Pan Goatee and The Curse of The New Year’s Blimp

January 2, 2019 at 9:31 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations) ()

Pan Goatee thought his 2019 was off to a good start.

So far he hadn’t seen any fat ugly blimps or thin ugly stoats or average weight ugly gargoyles which seemed to constitute the vast majority of the white female population of Calgary.

But that was on New Year’s Day- a day he didn’t go out for obvious reasons (because of what he did New Year’s Eve).

But lo and behold the uglos were out in force today when he had to go get some groceries.

A stupid ugly stoat woman got off the bus in front of his house so of course he beheaded her.

Another ugly stoat woman likewise walked by.

Off with her head.

A fat ugly blimp took her four legged dog for a walk on his street.

So off with her head as well.

Goatee decided to go get groceries.

Usually the neighbourhood he walked through to get to the grocery store was made up of visible minority families.

He did this because visible minority women were certainly a Hell of a lot more attractive than their fat ugly blimp, thin ugly stoat or average weight ugly gargoyle Caucasian female counterparts.

As the noted Canadian archivist and historical researcher Jack Morrow put it, visible minority women “have yet to acquire the bad habits and physiques of Trudeaupian women.”

Trudeaupia was what Jack Morrow called Canada ever since the Marxist asshole Pierre Elliot Trudeau (the father of Canada’s current pot smoking Prime Minister Justin) became Prime Minister back on April 20th 1968.

The country had been going rapidly down hill ever since.

Symptomatic of which the women who had lived in Canada at the time of Turdeau’s taking office (Turdeau was what Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing called Trudeau) and their daughters and granddaughters and all their descendants kept getting uglier and uglier with each passing year.

It symbolized the Dominion of Canada’s decline into the mess currently called Trudeaupia.

And the hideousness of Trudeaupia’s women were open facial sores of a once great country’s decline.

Sadly for Pan Goatee, when he walked to the grocery store through that neighbourhood, the streets and sidewalks were rather icy.

Once he bought his groceries, he figured he better walk back through the white neighbourhood (that the City of Calgary discriminatingly kept free of ice and snow) so that he wouldn’t fall and slip while carrying them.

And wouldn’t you know it being the totally inconsiderate creeps that fat ugly blimps are by their very nature, they were naturally out and about as Goatee was walking through the neighbourhood.

One fat ugly blimp waiting at a bus stop with six shopping carts full of clothing (in extra extra extra x infinity and beyond large size) tried to walk in front of Goatee.

Goatee immediately punched the fat ugly blimp in her repulsively ugly face and continued to pummel her with his fists and the cloven hooves on his feet until she died.

He then continued walking.

Another fat ugly blimp and her moronic low IQ husband were on the street removing groceries (of which there seemed to be an excessively large amount) from the back of an SUV.

Goatee beheaded both blimp and moron.

He finally reached home.

Why do blimps always have to ruin New Year’s?

Meanwhile a television camera had fallen from the Goodyear blimp on to the Samsung built and designed AI robot who was impersonating Apple CEO Tim Cook (the real Tim Cook was currently dead having eaten a poisoned apple pie given him by British MP Renfield R. Renfield and Chinese government operative Ho Babylon Minh the granddaughter of Vietnamese President Ho Chi Minh).

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday January 2nd



  1. George F. said,

    “(of which there seemed to be an excessively large amount)” noticed that, did you? The fatter and more moronic, the more resources they consume because they only care about themselves…which makes them even fatter and stupider, giving you even more blimps and morons to behead…at your leisure!! LOL! Love this!

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Yes, it gives a whole new meaning to that term “Mass consumption.”

      • George F. said,

        I envision you walking down the streets of Calgary, looking at these ugly blimps, then imagining yourself removing them from the environment in the manner that you do, then when you get home, sitting down and blogging about instead of actually doing it! You are revealing your inner-most thoughts-your true self– to us right here on WP! Your character is you!

      • George F. said,

        Perhaps bloggers are actually living “the secret life of Walter Mitty.” I know it feels as if I am…

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes, I certainly could relate to Walter Mitty in that movie The Secret Life of Walter Mitty.

      • George F. said,

        New Akira post up!

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Heading over there now.

  2. ortensia said,

    ❤️great start of the year

  3. David Redpath said,

    An inspiring piece of New Year’s good will,
    Dracul. Not just Pan Goatee’s tireless efforts
    in making Canada beautiful again, but also
    the display of Anglo-Sino cooperation with
    the Tim Cook situation.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Thank you, David.

      Yes, I’m glad to see that Anglo-Sino cooperation is finally emerging.

      Instead of gunboats along the River Yangtze
      it’s poisoned apples in Silicon Valley.

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