Artemis, Dracul and What Happened To The Deerslayer’s Daughter

January 22, 2019 at 11:56 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Gothic romance, History, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Romance, The Supernatural, Theatre Arts, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

The Greek goddess Artemis performing in New York City’s Ziegfeld Follies in 1927

The Greek goddess Artemis had wanted to act in a Ziegfeld Follies production ever since she saw her first one in 1910.

As she was getting her photo taken to appear on the theatre marquee, she noticed a tall blonde man approach her.

She recognized the man as being Dracul Van Helsing a vampire hunter said to have the ability to travel through time according to a vision given her brother Apollo’s prophetess at Delphi.

“Mr.Van Helsing,” the goddess in mini dress, black silk fishnet pantyhose and high heeled shoes smiled at him,

“What brings you here?”.

“I’m here to negotiate a happy ending,” the man answered.

In the theatre lobby, screams were being heard as the requests of Dracul’s blue eyed white wolf and silver eyed black jaguar for hot dogs and coke were not understood by the theatre lobby vendor who was from Brooklyn.

“A happy ending to this particular Ziegfeld production,” Artemis raised one of her legs in Dracul’s direction and pointed at him, “but the script is a musical comedy.”

“No, a happy ending to the tale of Agamemnon and Iphigenia,” Dracul answered referring to the story of King Agamemnon sacrificing his daughter Iphigenia at Aulis as a human sacrifice to Artemis so that she would allow fair winds for the Greek ships to be able to sail for Troy.

Agamemnon being an ass had slighted Artemis the Greek goddess of the hunt by killing one of the goddess’ deer in a sacred grove.

He was forced to sacrifice his daughter to Artemis as punishment to allow the Greek ships to sail to Troy.

Again being the supreme ass he was, he preferred sacking Troy for its gold than his young daughter living (although the official reason for war was to take Helen from Paris and return her to her husband King Menelaus).

“You want me to travel back in time and allow Iphigenia to live?” Artemis raised her other leg at Dracul, “what will you give me in return?.”

“Tantric sex,” Dracul answered.

Artemis smiled.

“That’s the answer I wanted to hear,” she ran her hands through her hair, “All right, Iphigenia will live but Clytemnestra the mother of Iphigenia must still think she was killed by Agamemnon because the fates have decreed that Clytemnestra and her lover must kill her husband King Agamemnon.”

“I care not for the butcher of Troy,” Dracul replied.

“All right,” Artemis laughed, “Funny my father Zeus warned me that I would lose my virginity if I ever appeared in a Ziegfeld Folly. I guess he was right.”

She giggled and opened her legs for the time travelling vampire hunter.

That was the night that the lights went out on Broadway as a huge surge of electricity sent everything black in the Big Apple.

Meanwhile 14 years later in 1941, Princess Iphigenia of Mycenae suddenly appeared on the bear skin rug of Carson Cody Albion Private Eye in Los Angeles, California:

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday January 22nd


  1. Hyperion said,

    You make time travel seem so interesting. I’ve got to try this as soon as I figure out how.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Yes, you really should, Daniel my friend. πŸ˜†

      But don’t try any experimenting at naval shipyards in Philadelphia.

      You might find yourself with most of your body sticking out of a ship’s wall but to your uttermost horror, your phallus is still lodged inside the wall trapped inside another dimension.

      And Tiger Mom will be be busy perusing all of your insurance policies to see if they cover this and she can be expecting a large financial settlement sometime soon.

      • Hyperion said,

        LOL! You got Tiger Mom nailed down pretty good. I think I’ll just stick to astral projection.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Astral projection is probably safer. πŸ˜‚

      • Hyperion said,

        I get less travel sickness that way. πŸ™‚

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        No need for an extra dose of astral Gravol.

        Unless you’re astral projecting to Calgary in which case you’ll need a very very very large extra dosage of astral Gravol maybe with a very large dosage of astral LSD as well in order to make the experience at least minuscully palatable.

      • Hyperion said,

        Hmmmm, clearly this is a result of breeding in a small population of genes to select from. Add environment, social structures, diet selection and you have a poorly diversified physical selection process. Ancient tribes solved this problem by raiding other tribes and taking thier women go refresh the gene pool. I think we should look into Pan using a large mammalian penis bone instead of his astral laser. This might cause a sort of gathering of the species for mating opportunities and then with all the genetic flotsam and jetsam in one place, Pan can switch to his astral laser and go about putting the final touches on Calgary’s beautification progrom.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        I think you’re right, Daniel.

        I remember years ago, my dad did mention something about too much interbreeding going on in southern Alberta.

        At the time I didn’t pay too much attention to the statement (then living in northern Alberta), but now living in Calgary, I see empirical proof of this.

        This probably explains why so many visible minority women (who are new comers to the city in the past 20-30 years) are still good looking.

        And it also reminds me of that old joke , Why are Scandinavian women so beautiful?

        Answer: Because the Vikings never brought back any ugly women on their raids.

      • Hyperion said,

        Aesthetics management is a job that is never done. Without Pan Goatee and other conscientious breeders, the world would soon experience gene pool inversion. If anyone wonders what ever happened to neanderthals, just ask Pan Goatee.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes, Pan Goatee sees the offspring of Neanderthal and wooly mammoth illicit relationships walking the streets of Calgary every day. 😨

      • Hyperion said,

        Such flagrant violations are surely the work of eugenic pranksters with too much free time in their hands. 😳🀭πŸ₯΄

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        I very much expect so, Daniel.

        And eugenic pranksters are a good term for them. 😈

      • Hyperion said,

        I think that is how I arrived on the angry blue planet with such magnificent skill at flatulence and burping. It has always been my greatest achievement to shake the walls of crowded elevators. Surely this is the work of those rascally eugenic pranksters. πŸ€£πŸ’¨πŸ€’πŸ€­πŸ˜¬πŸ₯΄πŸ€§

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Very much so.

        Alex Jones should send an anonymous tip to Robert Mueller that your buttocks acted in collusion with the Russians during the 2016 U.S. elections.

        When Mueller comes to investigate your buttocks after you’ve eaten an Amadeus Emanon sized dinner of baked pork and beans, the Acting Attorney-General Matthew Whitaker will announce the next day that the Robert Mueller probe is coming to an end due to the Special Counsel’s sudden departure from this world.

        The Hubbard Space Telescope will show him speeding past Alpha Centauri while UFO buffs hacking into NASA’s secret photos will show ETs bathing themselves in tomato juice as Mueller speeds past.

      • Hyperion said,

        Waaaaa haaaaaaaa haaaaaaaa! πŸ˜‚ nothing could be more true. Your insights into the artifacts of our humble existence is stunningly accurate.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        That’s great to hear, Daniel. πŸ˜ƒ

  2. David Redpath said,

    I can just see Artemis in a Ziegfeld Folly
    singing ‘Keep Young and Beautiful’
    (the unofficial theme song amongst the
    vampires of Broadway). The 1933 version
    from the Eddie Cantor movie, ‘Roman
    Scandals’, of course! Not the Annie Lennox
    song (but she did show her fangs with that one).
    I was wondering, Dracul, if a “Happy Ending”
    has the same meaning on Mount Olympus?

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      That’s a very good question, David.

      Does a “happy ending” have the same meaning on Mount Olympus?

      When one considers how utterly tragic the ancient Greek dramas were.

      You know the Sidney Sheldon novels of the 1970s always reminded me of Greek tragedy.

      Unfair circumstances and people being victimized by those unfair circumstances and there turning out to be no hope in the end.

      But it seemed to be symbolic of that decade when the Western world was lapsing back into a pre-Christian paganism.

      And of course as Christ said when a demon re-enters the house from which he was cast out and finds it swept and ready for habitation, he invites 7 other demons worse than himself to enter as well.

      And thus you eventually end up with the world of 2019.

      • David Redpath said,

        How spiritually empty was Wall Street
        before, during, and since the GFC?

        The Happy Ending thing just never seemed
        to eventuate when Zeus, and those other randy deities when on the prowl for mortal
        bootie. After some Grecian Magic, the epic
        drama tragic.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Grecian Formula and a Trojan condom
        would spell for mortals the final doom.

      • David Redpath said,

        Yes Chris, at the Trojan Temple of Doom
        . . . . one size fits all 😎

      • David Redpath said,

        From Mount Olympus
        to Pennsylvania Avenue
        … Moral Bankruptcy.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Very much so.

  3. Jessica said,

    β€œWhat brings you here?”.

    β€œI’m here to negotiate a happy ending,”



    Yep. I’m falling for Dracul hahaha πŸ˜€ but instead of vampire it almost seemed like he hunted a virgin. I’m not complaining.

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