One Hell of A Snowstorm From Hel The Norse Goddess

January 30, 2019 at 11:58 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, Gothic, Gothic romance, History, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Romance, Spy Tales, The Supernatural, Vampire novel, weather) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Norse Goddess Hel: Do come in out of the cold, Mr. Van Helsing, and come warm yourself inside my welcoming fireplace.

Much of the United States was suffering one Hell of a cold spell and one Hell of a snowstorm.

And it was being caused by Hel the goddess of the Norse frozen underworld.

She had brought one Hell of a polar vortex with her from her abyss in the frozen northern wastelands.

She was able to do so because Wotan/Odin the chief of the Norse Germanic pantheon of gods (known as the AEsir) and King of Asgard was currently in a Set Enterprises eye clinic in London under the care of Dr. Cadbury Rocher as a result of his one good eye being hit by an arrow fired from the Celtic stag god Cernunnos’ crossbow on a U.S. Republican Party Country Club deer hunting trip gone horribly awry and hideously astray.

Since Wotan/Odin wasn’t around to veto the idea, Hel decided to have some fun.

She was currently in a Chicago hotel enjoying both the cold and the snow storm from inside her warmly heated luxury hotel room.

The Norse trickster god Loki was in a Chicago park trying to re-enact a scene from the 1997 Julia Roberts movie My Best Friend’s Wedding and ended up getting his tongue frozen to the ice cold pussy of a frozen ice sculpture statue of the Greek goddess Aphrodite.

The Norse wolf Fenrir and the Baphomet (who was currently in Chicago on a cross-country speaking tour raising funds for the U.S. Democratic Party) laughed heartedly as a Chicago Fire Department welding unit was brought in to free Loki’s tongue from Aphrodite’s pussy.

Dracul Van Helsing was currently walking around Chicago caught in a vortex of time caught between a Chicago in a black and white Hollywood film movie set of the 1930s and the Chicago of the January 30th 2019 polar vortex snowstorm from Hell caused by Hel.

The vortex of time was brought about by the mad scientists at the CERN Large Hadron Collidor tunnel in Switzerland interfering with Dracul’s Houdini-Tesla prototype magic lanterns by which the Canadian vampire hunter was able to time travel.

Shiva had aided CERN scientists in doing this.

Shiva’s wife Kali on the other hand had reached out to help Dracul Van Helsing.

For some reason, Kali’s mention of Dracul Van Helsing on a previous occasion had caused Shiva to turn into a green-eyed monster.

The ghost of Orson Welles, looking very much like the ghost of Christmas Past in Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol, appeared to Van Helsing.

“Persephone the Greek goddess of the underworld has sent me to help you,” Welles’ ghost explained, “Van Helsing, you seem to work your way into the most precarious situations. I really don’t understand it.”

Welles’ ghost led Van Helsing on to a Persian flying carpet where they flew through the air to the Mysterious Goddess Hotel in Chicago.

There the Norse goddess Hel invited Van Helsing into her room.

An invitation from the Norse goddess Hel to Dracul Van Helsing.

As Hel and Van Helsing made out and practiced tantric sex on a bear skin rug in front of the fireplace, Welles’ ghost complained about the fact that he was reduced to making porno films in the 21st Century.

Welles and Van Helsing left the room whereupon the door to the next room magically opened and the Norse goddess Freya the Queen of Asgard invited Van Helsing in:

Freya: Do come in and stay awhile, Mr. Van Helsing.

As Van Helsing and Freya engaged in a Kama Sutra tantric sex encounter,
Welles remarked over the Riesling wine and the delicious Norse cod that he was eating, “Well Van Helsing, there’s nothing like forging an alliance between Odin/Wotan and Shiva in one cosmic act of revenge.”

Next door, Morrigan the Celtic goddess of war invited Van Helsing in for a lesson as Welles watched.

Welles drowned his voyeurism in pints of Guinness and bottles of Irish whiskey.

Finally Zeus’ daughter Artemis the Greek goddess of the moon made the Call of The Wild from next door.

Artemis displays a full moon for Van Helsing on this evening.

“Zeus, Shiva and Odin/Wotan in a triple alliance,” Welles moaned over several bucketloads of the best French champagne as he watched the divinely cosmic sexual encounter.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday January 30th


  1. George F. said,

    Your satire is always brilliant, and you just described what would happen to me: “tongue frozen to the ice cold pussy of a frozen ice sculpture statue of the Greek goddess Aphrodite…’ Yeah, I’m that guy…but not in public! LOL!

  2. Dracul Van Helsing said,

    ROTLMFAO !😂😀😅😄

  3. Jessica said,

    Good thing god Loki didn’t get his tongue stuck in the ice. It happens you know. How hilarious would that scene be if he needed to get help getting his tongue off for licking it right there. Then I read the next paragraph and I almost bang my forehead on the keyboard. I should stopped composing comment in the notepad while reading. 😂

    And seriously Mr. Van Helsing you’re starting to feel like James Bond minus the high-tech car and gadgets.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      ROTFL, Jessica. 😂

      Yes, that scene with Loki was inspired by a scene in the 1997 Julia Roberts movie My Best Friend’s Wedding where two middle-aged but still hot looking oversexed aunts of the bride (Cameron Diaz) got their tongues stuck to an ice sculpture of Apollo at the wedding banquet and a Chicago Fire Department welding unit had to be brought in to free their tongues. 😅

      And it’s interesting you’ve latched on to the idea of Van Helsing as a James Bond minus the high-tech car and gadgets.

      Because when I first conceived of the character of Dracul Van Helsing, I thought of him as a combination of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s consulting detective Sherlock Holmes, Raymond Chandler’s private eye Philip Marlowe and Ian Fleming’s secret agent James Bond.

      On many occasions in my vampire novels throughout the years however, he acts more like James Bond than either Sherlock Holmes or Philip Marlowe I’ve noticed. 😂

      • Jessica said,

        haha 😀 yes, I remember that scene in Julia Roberts scene. Unfortunately, I was to frustrated with Julia’s character to fully enjoy it. I guess I was too busy wishing that her gay friend turns out to be a bisexual who’s in love with her.

        I’m sorry, but the only character I recognize out of all the names aside from bond is Sherlock Holmes 😂 I don’t have much a detective info’s.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        There was actually a Canadian made TV series of Philip Marlowe that was done for the HBO network back in the mid-1980s.

        Each episode was actually based on an original Philip Marlowe short story that was written by Raymond Chandler himself.

        The episodes can be found on YouTube if you type in Philip Marlowe TV series in the YouTube search engine.

        I’d highly recommend them.

        The stories are set in Los Angeles, Hollywood and southern California back in the late 1930s and early 1940s (right around the time period of the Golden Age of Hollywood).

      • Jessica said,

        Oh! Thank you for the tips 🤩

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        You’re welcome. 🙂

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