Panty Goatee Slays ISI Bigshot While Sherrielock Holmes and Fenrir Meet King Edward VII

February 17, 2019 at 11:56 pm (Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, Gothic romance, International Intrigue, love, Mystery, Mythology, News, Romance, Spy Tales, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

British MP Renfield R. Renfield was enjoying a High Tea of Chai tea and cucumber and creamed cheese sandwiches with his friend the concert pianist Amadeus Emanon and the concert pianist’s girlfriend the New Orleans vampiress songstress Angelique Dumont.

They were sitting in the living room of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s colossal West London Mansion.

“So what did the Indian and Iranian governments contact you about yesterday?” Amadeus asked as he helped himself to a dozen cucumber and creamed cheese sandwiches.

Renfield thought he was wise to ask Athelstan the butler to make 200 of those sandwiches.

“Well, the Indian government suspects the Pakistani ISI was behind the suicide bomb attack that killed 44 Indian paramilitary policemen in Kashmir this past Thursday and Iran blames the ISI for the deaths of 27 Revolutionary Guards earlier this week,” Renfield explained as he sipped his tea, “so they asked me to use my contacts to do something about it.”

Meanwhile over in Pakistan, the assistant deputy head of the ISI was off on his morning jog.

Suddenly this vision greeted him:

DARPA cotract assassiness Panty Goatee

“Excuse me, Miss,” the ISI bigshot jogged over to her with a very tiny little miniscule bulge in his jogging pants, “but that t-shirt mini dress you’re wearing is very blasphemous not to mention that your attire in general is very un-Islamic. So I’m going to have to take you in for questioning and (ahem!) other things as well.”

Panty pulled a gun out from underneath her dress and shot the man.

“Ah shit,” the man said as he fell backwards on to the ground.

“I thought you people were supposed to say Allah akbar before you die,” Panty smiled as she slit the man’s throat with a knife she pulled out from under her dress.

. . .

Serena the time traveller and magician’s assistant to Thoth the Egyptian god of time and recordkeeping looked down at Dracul Van Helsing from her wall of clocks.

“What are you looking at?” Serena asked.

“Well,” said Dracul, “it was 100 years ago today on February 17th 1919 that former Canadian Prime Minister Sir Wilfred Laurier died. It’s hard to believe that there was ever an honest Federal Liberal politician from Quebec but they still made them as late as Sir Wilfred Laurier.”

. . .

The year was 1907.

And England’s King Edward VII was walking down the street looking for a piece of tail to satisfy his lecherous royal appetite.

Suddenly he spotted Miss Sherrielock Holmes.

“Ah, there’s the delightful twin sister of consulting detective Sherlock Holmes,” Edward VII stroked his beard.

He walked in her direction.

When suddenly there emerged from behind her dress the Norse wolf Fenrir.

“Good Lord, look at the size of that hound,” Edward VII clutched on to his silver wolf’s head walking stick and turned the other direction, “I’ll have to talk to Sherrielock some other day.”

. . .

“Who was that who text messaged you?” Amadeus asked as he was on his 99th cucumber and creamed cheese sandwich.

“Countess Draculina,” Renfield answered, “She fears that her father Count Dracula has been kidnapped by the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith for some nefarious purpose so she’s coming over to talk to me.”

The doorbell rang.

Renfield went to answer it.

There at the door stood Countess Draculina.

“Good God!” Renfield exclaimed.

“What’s the matter?” Amadeus asked.

“I’ve got an enormous erection,” Renfield answered.

“You always were one to boast about that,” Angelique remarked.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday February 17th


  1. George F. said,

    Draculina is for me…I am in the Renfield condition most of the time…

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Yes, the same holds true for me, George.

      I’m in the Renfield condition most of the time as well.

      This is why I dare not wear tight fitting pants in public. πŸ˜„

  2. Hyperion said,

    I must admit, I can only ravage a woman with my wolf-like desirous passion after I get to know her. I thought Draculina’s picture would suffice nicely for an introduction. When do you suppose she could drop by Castle RΓ‘zvan for a little rope play? I’m sure she knows the ropes around here well.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      I’ll send her over to Castle Razvan if she ever manages to leave the Set Mansion. πŸ˜‚

      • Hyperion said,

        Lovely 😊. I’ll practice my boy scout knots in the meantime. 😍πŸ₯°

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        These days you have to practice your non-sexist transgendered boy/girl scouts knots or otherwise you’ll be set upon by the torch and pitchfork wielding politically correct mobs of Twittering assholes in the #MeToo Movement and the Alphabet Soup Perverts (as Renfield R. Renfield calls them).

      • Hyperion said,

        Hahahahaaaa! There is lots of space in the dungeons and I have lots of rope and bungs for the bungholes. πŸ§›πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ

  3. Stories with Luna said,

    Greetings, good Sir! You won my fascination at The Little Mermaid’s tea party the other day. All things vampire and pirate is right up my alley of interest. I found your tales to be quite amusing πŸ™‚ Cheers!

  4. Chef V. said,


  5. Tanya said,

    Very interesting and funny, I like the very English setting of cucumber sandwhiches and then you had me with chaaiπŸ˜‚ Panty Goetee ….after her I feel the story went a bit of a men-flickπŸ₯΄it had all three ingredients that men are made of: Horny, Hungry and Crabby! Interesting πŸ‘

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Yes, Chai is good.

      Horny, hungry and crabby?

      By crabby, do you mean the condition men are in and need to seek treatment in a medical clinic after an evening of being extra horny and extra hungry? πŸ˜‚

      • Tanya said,

        No crabby is irritated…
        well I actually didn’t know any condition like that existed 😬😬 too hungry and too horny 😬

  6. velvetscreams said,


  7. David Redpath said,

    I’m surprised old Bertie was so timid when
    he encountered.Sherrielock Holmes’ furry
    friend. I’m sure his equally randy grandson, King Edward VII would not have been so easily deterred, when chasing skirt, by the emergence of a hairy wolf. I hear that
    Wallis Simpson had quite a North American
    Cougar tucked away under her dress 😎

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Yes, King Edward VIII was like the lyrics of that old country music song.

      He liked his women on the trashy side. 😈

      • David Redpath said,

        ‘Trashy Women’s … my favourite
        Confederate Railroad song
        (apart from ‘Jesus and Mama’).
        I have the album βœ”οΈπŸ˜Ž

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,


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