Atargatis and Dracul, Kali and Lexus Decameron

February 24, 2019 at 11:56 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Gothic romance, International Intrigue, love, Mystery, Mythology, News, Romance, Spy Tales, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )


The northern Syrian goddess Atargatis toasts the morning after an evening of tantric sex with a vampire hunter

“Good morning, Mr. Van Helsing,” the goddess Atargatis toasted the Canadian vampire hunter with vodka after a night of tantric lovemaking.

“Good morning,” Van Helsing replied, “Is that an original Lexus Decameron oil painting I see behind you?”.

“It is,” Atargatis smiled, “it’s a painting of me in my mermaid form stealing Poseidon’s trident.”

“He’s captured the top part of you very well,” Van Helsing noted, “as for the bottom, I can’t say because I’ve never seen you in your mermaid form nor would I want to. Because I prefer my fish with chips and malt vinegar wrapped up in a basket of newspapers bought from Cockney Kids Fish ‘N Chips Shop.”

“My human bottom part is quite satisfied with you, Van Helsing,” Atargatis laughed, “so no fish tail soup for you.”

Van Helsing grabbed himself some ginger beer rather than vodka to drink and looked at the painting, “But I seem to recall my art gallery curator friend Dashwood Forrest saying that Lexus Decameron was born in 1970 and didn’t actually start painting until 2013. So what is a Lexus Decameron painting doing in a New York City hotel room in February 1944?”.

“The answer is simple like Donald Trump’s mind, Mr. Van Helsing,” Atargatis smiled like the Mona Lisa, “I brought it with me from the future.”

“And is this painting of you stealing Poseidon’s trident exactly how it happened?” Van Helsing asked inquisitively.

“It is,” Atargatis answered explicitly, “it happened off the small Greek island of Christopheros where Lexus Decameron has his studio. He was out swimming at the time and he saw me steal it. The man has a photographic memory. He used that memory to paint this picture.”

“I imagine my friend Peter Whitstable of Interpol would love to get his hand on that painting and use it as evidence,” Van Helsing looked at the picture of the sub-oceanic theft.

“Which is why I bought the painting from the Dashwood Forrest Art Gallery in London,” Atargatis laughed as she ate a smoked oyster and washed it down with vodka, “because Lexus Decameron doesn’t allow copies or reproductions of his work. So I’ve got the evidence. And an artistic masterpiece as well.”

“It’s a fine body of work,” Van Helsing had to admit.

“As am I, Mr. Van Helsing, as am I,” she kissed him on the lips.

. . .

The Hindu goddess Kali had gone to the quiet tranquil Greek island of Christopheros to escape the noise her husband Shiva was making while composing a musical piece called Beethoven’s 9th Symphony Meets Freddie Mercury’s Bohemian Rhapsody which he was planning to perform with the Swiss National Symphony Orchestra.

While there, she visited the Lexus Decameron Studio where she admired his paintings.

“Where is Mr. Decameron at the moment?” She asked his housekeeper.

“At a friend’s studio in Paris,” the housekeeper answered, “French President Emmanuel Macron hired him to paint a picture of a living Statue of Liberty that the French President will give as a gift to Donald Trump in hopes that it will renew their fraternal brotherly romance.”

“And who’s he planning to use as a model?” Kali asked.

“The Egyptian goddess Isis who happens to live in Paris,” the housekeeper answered.

Kali thought to herself, “Why should Egyptian goddesses have all the fun?”.

She divinely teleported herself to Paris to the studio where Decameron was working.

And asked him to use her as a model.

Decameron agreed.

The painting went well except for the fact that the flaming torch the painter gave Kali was rather high and the ceiling of his friend’s studio was rather low.

In the resulting 10 alarm fire, goddess, painter and painting managed to escape to safety.

But all that Lexus Decameron could remember of the scene before the smoke detector fire alarm went off was the following:

But still he hoped that Emmanuel Macron and Donald Trump would like the painting.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday February 24th
2019.

10 Comments

  1. Tanya said,

    Lol Hindu goddess kali on Greek Island to escape Shiva πŸ₯΄, for the record I love the band Queen, such phenomenal music! Last nyt Rami Malik Oscar for Bohemian Rhapsody, amazing is it? Wit is always on the tip of your pen πŸ–Š

  2. David Redpath said,

    On a scale of one to ten, how was making
    out with Mermaid, Van Helsing? 🧜
    I’ve heard they get slippery when wet,
    I guess that would be a sliding scale?

  3. Jessica said,

    How does Atargatis turn human and back to mermaid? Does she use shell like the cliche or another kind of magic. By the way, wise choice from Van Helsing, vodka for morning drink sounds awful. And Shiva making noise that Kali can’t stand? I can’t imagine what that sounds like. πŸ˜‚

    To be honest the painting is ugly. πŸ™„

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      I haven’t really given much thought to how Atargatis shapeshifts from mermaid to human and back again.

      To which painting are you referring?

      The one behind Atargatis?

      Or the one of Kali?

      • Jessica said,

        The one after this paragraph: “But all that Lexus Decameron could remember of the scene before the smoke detector fire alarm went off was the following:” haha πŸ˜€

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Oh yes.

        I imagine Lexus Decameron had been smoking too much Canadian cannabis when he painted that. πŸ˜‚

      • Jessica said,

        ❀ πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        πŸ˜€

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