The Raven Rapper Sings A Rap Song

March 10, 2019 at 10:55 pm (Comedy, Entertainment, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, Music, News, Poetry, Politics, Television, Vampire novel, Video) (, , , , , , , )

Simon Cowell (a judge on the TV shows America’s Got Talent and Britain’s Got Talent) was having a dream whereby he was appearing as a guest judge on the Canadian TV talent show Canada’s Got Cannabis.

The premise of the program was the judges judged the talent after they had smoked a whole bunch of pot.

Simon’s fellow judges for the show were Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and the ET gray Gali-Gula (an ET gray from the planet Nibiru who was possessed by the spirit of the ancient earthling Roman Emperor Caligula).

The cactus plant juggling penguin who was covered in bandaids made Justin think sadly of his own marijuana smoking desert cactus plant Strawberry Fields Forever who was being held prisoner at a Chinese Communist re-education camp for transgendered Uighurs in the Xinjiang region of eastern China.

As the penguin was being carried off stage on a stretcher to a waiting ambulance, Justin Trudeau received a text message on his Huawei smart phone that hundreds of thousands of jobs were being lost in the Canadian province of Alberta.

“Who cares?” Justin yawned and shrugged and helped himself to some more cannabis cookies.

Justin had fond memories from his childhood of his father Pierre Elliott giving Albertans the raised middle finger from the window of a train as they rode through Banff National Park.

The next act was a giant gorilla who would be climbing up Toronto’s CN Tower to rescue a screaming Kim Kardashian who was at the top.

He would be doing this as he was buzzed by drones resembling World War I biplanes and triplanes.

As the body of the late Kong was loaded into a hearse big enough to fit him, Justin received a text message on his Huawei that thousands of jobs might be lost in the Canadian province of Quebec.

“Oh shit, I gotta go,” Justin cried and ran out the auditorium, “Maybe I can pressure Jody Wilson-Raybould to do something. Oh shit, she’s resigned from the cabinet.”

The next act appeared on stage as the remaining Simon Cowell and Gali-Gula smoked their tokes.

“And so, what’s your story?” Simon asked the next act as he hummed the tune to the song I Dreamed A Dream from the musical Les Miserables.

“Well,” a giant raven appeared on stage, “I’m a raven and I’m immortal and I’m the same raven who once sat on a bust of Pallas Athena in Edgar Allan Poe’s lodgings over a century and a half ago.”

“How positively dreary,” Cowell remarked as the show approached the midnight hour.

The raven broke into his rap song,

“Oh yes, it’s true that I’m a raven
you might think I’m rather craven
sitting atop Athena’s head
as if it were my own bed
even if I shout “Nevermore”
as I come rapping at your door
while you sing praises of lost Lenore
stop nodding your head weak and weary
stop crying with your eyes so bleary
don’t you know Lenore’s gone for good
That’s the saying in the hood
take your punishment like a man
and stop throwing kleenex in the can
Think of it as bleak December
stop trying to remember
let your mind be like a dying ember
cast out your thoughts of lost Lenore
while I find my way to the door
my parting words, Nevermore.

-A vampire novel chapter
and rap song
written by Christopher
Sunday March 10th
2019.


The Raven’s advice: Time to give up thoughts of Lenore

18 Comments

  1. Anne J. said,

    But I like Justin! 😃

  2. George F. said,

    What an incredibly ball-busting hysterically funny concept for a tv show! OMG!

  3. velvetscreams said,

    This was lovely, i enjoyed it😂

  4. annieasksyou said,

    Hi,

    I left a comment yesterdayerday, but I don’t see it. Did you not get it?

    Annie

  5. annieasksyou said,

    Second try (and when my readers tell me they post comments that disappear, the WordPress HEs—my gender-neutral abbreviation for the Happiness Engineers—insist they’re doing something wrong!).

    Anyway, I think I said there were lots of giggles here, including the bandaged penguin injured by the cactus though, like most of the world, I adore penguins—but I guess that’s the point, huh? (said she, denying she was making yet another bad pun). Also Kim Kardashian impersonating Fay Wray, and the raven poem. Have you ever considered writing about your writerly modus operandi—because you must have a prodigious memory and incredible organizational skills to pull all these disparate pieces together and making it seem effortless.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Yes, I adore penguins as well.

      When I write, I truly write as the Muse inspires me.

      Usually when I sit down to write, I usually only have a vague idea of what I’m going to write and a lot of times, no idea at all.

      However when I start writing, everything seems to then come together on its own.

      And floods of memories will often come back to me and I incorporate them in my story.

      And somehow my penchant for telling puns, my analysis of current geopolitical happenings, my memory of historical events, my fondness for certain movie scenes and my memory of certain song lyrics will all combine together to tell a tale.

      • annieasksyou said,

        Well, somehow, it all works very well.

        I picture you at your desk as an octopus—arms reaching in multiple directions simultaneously. And lest you be offended, octopuses are uncannily savvy and intelligent beings. I shall write about their many gifts at some point.

        Take good care,
        Annie

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        LOL !

        I guess I’m like the Kraken then- an octopus with many arms. 😂

        I don’t have anything against octopi actually ever since I heard the Beatles sing An Octopus’ Garden In The Shade. 😄

        Looking forward to reading your post about octopi. ☺

        -Christopher

      • annieasksyou said,

        I missed the fact that Kraken is an octopus, but now I find it an interesting coincidence.

        I hope you’ll visit my latest post, which describes a remarkable woman who’s gone through a lot. Nevertheless, she prevails (and no, she’s not Elizabeth Warren…).

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