Allatallahbel On A Desert Highway, Golgotha and DNA Altering Swedish Meatballs

March 14, 2019 at 10:56 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Mythology, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )


The Vampiress Allatallahbel on a desert highway in Nevada

It had recently come to the attention of Allatallahbel the Vampiress Priestess of Baal that London private eyes Agathor Christie and Magog Rhys Petley were investigating the mysterious death of Argentine adult film star Natacha Jaitt.

German Cardinal Walter Kasper had told her this investigation might prove hazardous to the pontificate of Pope Francis.

And Jorge Mario Bergoglio had proved to be a very accomodating useful idiot to her Vampiric Knights-Templar and their Freemasonic allies.

Allatallahbel decided she better do something to end the investigation.

She had discovered their investigation had taken them to an Argentine run casino in Las Vegas Nevada.

Now it was taking them to a little known polar bear fur trading post in the Nevada desert which was proving to be a huge Donald Trump approved tax write-off for the Argentine run casino.

Allatallahbel put on her best desert highway hitchhiking attire on the road Agathor and Magog would be driving towards the money losing polar bear fur trading post:

Both men (who were not wearing seat belts) went flying through the windshields of their Budget Rent-A-Car Volkswagen when Magog hit the brakes upon seeing her.

. . .

DARPA contract assasin and satyr serial killer Pan Goatee had felt a craving for a Meatball Marinara sub sandwich at the Subway store in a nearby mall.

He had gone there and discovered to his horror that a ugly looking woman was already in line at the counter in front of him.

Goatee whose serial killing specialty was killing ugly looking women promptly beheaded the uglo with his astral laser machete.

He had lost his appetite upon seeing the ugly looking creature and decided to walk to a nearby discount supermarket to buy some bottles of generic brand Diet Cola.

He of course got in line behind a beautiful looking woman.

But then an ugly looking woman who was stupid as well as ugly that was in front of the beautiful looking woman had discovered that she had brought the wrong brands of pizza- the ones not on sale- and tried getting in Pan Goatee’s way to go get the properly discounted ones.

Goatee promptly beheaded the ugly looking airhead.

“To raise the collective IQ of the world and improve the Earth’s aesthetic beauty all in one stroke,” Goatee remarked as he put the astral laser machete back in his Clint Eastwood autographed Two Mules For Sister Sarah spaghetti western holster.

. . .


The ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith inside one of the catacombs in Rome

Lilith was in one of the catacombs beneath the Vatican.

Near one of the tombs of the ancient Nephilim giants that the Vatican had kept hidden from the world for centuries.

On the grave of a rare Nephilim dwarf, Imhotep the Rome-based Egyptian souvenir vendor and former High Priest-Scientist of Ra was working overtime to save the Undead life of the Nazi SS Ahnenerbe Occult Bureau vampire Franz Kohler.

He had found Kohler’s body after the latter had been shot with silver bullets fired at him by Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing at the Latin numeral Clock of Thoth in London a couple of nights ago.

Imhotep had used a papal dirigible The Sindenburg to fly the body from London to Rome.

He had extracted the silver bullets from Kohler’s body while on the Sindenburg and then used a brew of extracts of three tana leaves (as recommended by the Universal Pictures Mummy horror movies of the early 1940s) to keep the SS vampire alive.

Now he was about to use a brew of extracts of nine tana leaves (also recommended by the Universal Pictures Mummy horror movies of the early 1940s) to restore full movement, life and consciousness back to the SS vampire.

Lilith smiled as she saw Kohler’s eyes open and then ask, “Does anybody know where I can buy some good Bavarian beer sausage?”.

. . .

The Irish leprechaun Yaldabaoth was having a lunch of Guinness stout and pork pies with the Himalayan golden cobra serpent Maitreya who had crowned himself High King of Ireland a couple of years ago.

“Do you know what they’re now claiming in Pakistan?” Yaldabaoth asked Maitreya.

“No, what?” Maitreya asked as he used a New Age crystal healing stone (highly recommended by Tom Brady’s witch wife Gisele Bundchen) to try to re-heat his pork pie.

“That the recent Indian air strikes on Pakistan were part of a combined Hindu-Zionist plot to destroy Pakistan,” Yaldabaoth downed a full 72 ounce glass of Guinness, “and that Israeli Air Force pilots even participated in the air strikes on Pakistan.”

“How stupid can people get,” Maitreya remarked as using the New Age healing stone to re-heat his pork pie seemed to be going nowhere.

“I hope this won’t affect me any,” Yaldabaoth gorged down a whopping piece of pork pie, “my mother Sophia the Greco-Egyptian Gnostic goddess of wisdom told the Neo-Platonist schools of Alexandria that I Yaldabaoth am the same entity as Yahweh the god of the Hebrews. She came up with this idea after going on a hallucinogenic trip when she drank some fermented juice that was given her by the Hindu moon god Soma. This idea has since passed into Gnosticism where many Gnostic groups are convinced that I’m a bumbling demi-urge who stupidly created the material universe- the same charge that’s leveled against Yahweh.”

“I think with your love of pork pies,” Maitreya threw away the New Age healing stone in disgust, “no one would mistake you for the god of the Hebrews.”

. . .


Golgotha dressed as a Viking warrior princess ready to steal some DNA altering Swedish meat balls from a combined lab and kitchen in Stockholm.

The vampiress Golgotha had been sent to Stockholm Sweden by her mother the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith.

It had come to the attention of Lilith’s vast intelligence network that the Norse goddess Freya working in concert with the famous Swedish-Italian cook Chef Bjorg Jar (pronounced Yar) Dee had invented some DNA altering Swedish meatballs which, when consumed, gave people super human strength.

Lilith desired these DNA altering Swedish meatballs for the vast army of warriors she was building in Central Asia.

And now Golgotha dressed as a Viking warrior princess would be battling the intelligence agencies of the world in the kitchens of Stockholm to get the secret recipe for these DNA altering Swedish meatballs.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday March 14th
2019.

17 Comments

  1. George F. said,

    I drive to Nevada all the time…never see anyone who looks like that beckoning me from the side of the road…I miss all the parties…

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Yes and you’re left humming that old Rod Stewart song, “Some guys have all the fun…”

  2. George F. said,

    โ€œTo raise the collective IQ of the world and improve the Earthโ€™s aesthetic beauty all in one stroke,โ€ Ah, Pan Goatee at it again…what a wonderful service!

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Yes, he really should have a Citizen of The Year dinner in his honour. ๐Ÿ˜ƒ

      • George F. said,

        A truly brilliant satirists lies buried beneath the anonymity of Word Press.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Thank you so much for the wonderful compliment, George. โ˜บ

        It’s words of encouragement like that which inspire me to keep going. ๐Ÿ˜Š

  3. Jessica said,

    Um… I came from Asia. I married a Norwegian, we are in Sweden A LOT and eat meatballs, brought it home made a lot of pasta and all kind of dishes using it, so why am I still unable to carry my husband? Where is my superhuman strength? ๐Ÿ˜€

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      You married a Norwegian eh?

      My godfather is Norwegian.

      No wonder you were so impressed when you thought the lyrics to Kenny Rogers’ The Gambler (my favourite Kenny Rogers’ song by the way) said, ‘On a train bound for Norway…”

      The Norse goddess Freya’s and the Swedish-Italian cook Chef Bjorg Jar (pronounced Yar) Dee’s DNA altering Swedish meatballs are not yet available to the general public and may never be as they may be given to elite soldiers in the Armed Forces only.

      • Jessica said,

        Yes. It’s one of the reasons why I’m smiling a bit each time I hear The Gambler. After all it still mystify me how I was able to coin out Norway, before knowing that it’s a country’s name. His country.

        Anyway. I’m giving up on the meatballs. I bet they are only available for the selected public citizens. You see, I’m secretly a witch and I don’t think vampires like us that much. Haha ๐Ÿ˜‚

  4. David Redpath said,

    Golgotha’s dress certainly has the potential
    to severely alter many a Swedish meatball๐Ÿ˜Ž

  5. David Redpath said,

    I do hope Imhotep isn’t silly enough to fly
    the Sindenburg in a thunderstorm!
    Lilith should know that history has a habit
    of repeating itself.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      And a radio news reporter broadcasting live at the scene will start weeping, “Oh, the vampiranity. The vampiranity.”

  6. David Redpath said,

    And I do like a good lightening storm๐Ÿ˜Ž

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