Pan Goatee’s Saturday Afternoon On The Last Weekend In March

March 30, 2019 at 9:03 pm (Aesthetics, Arts, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , )

DARPA contract assassin and genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee (whose serial killing specialty was killing ugly woman) was in the food court of a nearby restaurant where he had picked up a submarine sandwich from Subway.

His enjoyment of his sub was soon ruined by the sight of a fat ugly blimp waddling in front of him.

The fat ugly blimp picked up two large containers of food from a Lebanese food take out place and then two large containers of food from a Chinese food take out place.

“Well, it’s no great mystery as to why you’re the size of a behemoth,” Goatee remarked as he reached into his holster, pulled out his astral laser machete and beheaded the creature.

After tossing his cookies (metaphorically speaking) into a nearby garbage can (the aftereffect of beholding the grisly gruesome sight), Goatee walked to a nearby McDonald’s to buy himself a large double double coffee.

Upon approaching the entrance, to the left (from Pan’s viewpoint) was a teen-aged fat ugly blimp with pink and purple coloured hair.

Goatee had nothing against females with pink and purple coloured hair save when they adorned the elephantine heads of fat ugly blimps.

The revolting and sickening sight more properly belonged in a circus tent (like Archie Bunker used to sing about in the theme song on the old All In The Family TV show, “Freaks were in a circus tent, those were the days.”) with a sign above the tent entrance that read ABANDON ALL HOPE YE WHO ENTER HERE to those stupid enough to part with their hard earned money just to see a repulsive blood-curdling stomach churning mind numbing sight that could easily be replicated by staying home and doing their income tax returns (which also would have been an experience far more enjoyable).

Goatee promptly beheaded the fat ugly blimp with pink and purple hair who could easily serve as the poster child for GSAs (Gay-Straight Alliances) in Alberta schools driving most hormonally aroused and voice changing males towards the “G” side of that equation.

Fortunately there seemed to be mainly beautiful women inside the McDonald’s which prevented Pan’s large double double coffee from joining his Subway sandwich in the Tossed Cookies Department.

Upon leaving the McDonald’s restaurant to walk home, he noticed a flat trailer truck broken down at the side of the road.

Outside the broken down truck were a fat ugly blimp, her brainless husband and a kid.

“Well, no doubt the fat ugly blimp which far exceeds the province’s heavy load weight restrictions was responsible for this truck’s breakdown,” Goatee said as he approached and beheaded the blimp.

Goatee then beheaded the brainless husband remarking, “And that’s for being so stupid as to have sexual relations with a human-walrus hybrid.”

He then turned his attention to the kid, “The offspring of ugliness and stupidity does not a fine progeny make” and beheaded him.

He was sure the genetics textbooks at home would validate his impromptu on the spot empirical assessment.

Meanwhile the computers at DARPA were down again as a result of a Chinese Communist EMP (electro-magnetic pulse) attack on the system in response to Donald Trump tweeting an Executive Order that there were to be no EMP attacks on the U.S.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday March 30th


  1. George F. said,

    You are a constant source of hysterical laughter!! And yes, behead those that procreate with the fat ugly blimps and stop the chain of endless descendants! “…then beheaded the brainless husband remarking…” Then there would be no progeny to behead!! OMFG!! LOL!

  2. David Redpath said,

    Glad I caught you, Dracul, on a slow news
    weekend. Excuse my absence but I’ve just
    been released from an Istanbul lockup, by the
    Turkish National Intelligence Organisation.
    I was detained, on President Erdoğan’s
    direct orders, as a suspected Australian.
    Since I only had my legitimate Aussie
    passport at the time, there was no denying
    it. They tried to extract a confession that I
    had links to far right wing hate groups, with their enhanced interrogation techniques
    ( . . . which were a pain in the bum!).
    I was finally released, with a personal
    apology from the President, and alms to get out of the country with, when they found the
    parcel I’m meant to deliver to that Persian
    carpet export company in Jaipur, India?
    I’m starting to suspect I’m being played,
    like a Maltese Falcon. But then, I’m sure
    I can trust Babylon Ho …

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      No doubt, your arrest and interrogation played a part in Erdogan’s party losing in many districts of Istanbul in today’s local and municipal elections.

      The sound of someone singing “Waltzing Matilda” while Turkish Intelligence operatives were re-enacting the Duke of Clarence’s death with a hot poker up the rear end as found in the unexpurgated edition of Shakespeare’s Richard III was too hot a potato for Istanbul residents to handle.

      And Erdogan was punished accordingly.

      Yes, Babylon Ho can surely be trusted.

      She surely doesn’t want a damper on her Knight of Malta (like the battle Pope Francis had with his Knights of Malta over condom distribution in Africa).

      • David Redpath said,

        As per ASIO protocol, I can neither confirm
        or positively affirm the nature of operation
        ‘Turkish Delight, but to say … mission
        accomplished 😎
        Talking of hot potatoes, I’m soon to deliver
        that package for Baby Ho (the ticking
        stopped days ago, so I think it’s quite safe?)
        after a brief top secret mission to the
        Vatican, code named ‘Operation: Bacia
        l’angello del Papa’. Not sure what part I’m
        meant to play, but it couldn’t be any worse
        than being at the receiving end of a
        midnight express delivery in Istanbul !?

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        I think a Midnight Express delivery in Istanbul would serve as the dress rehearsal for the opening performance of A Jesuit’s Interpretation of Mozart’s Requiem Mass In C Minor (aka Confessional For Minors).

      • David Redpath said,

        A confessional for A Majors doing C Minors
        (A for Abominables … C for Choirboys).
        A requiem never more in need of writing.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        That’s very true., David.

        A Requiem very much in need of writing.

  3. Jessica said,

    Oh come one Pan Goatee even the kid? But then again, it’s for the better. The kid might grew into someone dangerous to him…

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Yes, Pan Goatee believes in launching pre-emptive strikes like America does whenever they invade a country and try to overthrow its government.

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