The Maltese Falcon At Mar-A-Lago: A Poem

April 3, 2019 at 10:46 pm (Detective story, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, International Intrigue, Mystery, News, Poetry, Romance, Spy Tales, Technology, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Narrator of poem:

“How are ya, sweetheart?
I’m the ghost of Humphrey Bogart
I was recently challenged by my friend the ghost of Orson Welles
to see if I still got tough guy and private eye skills
that I used to have in my movies.

So I took him up on his challenge and headed down to Florida
The site of one of my popular films Key Largo
I heard about this swanky place down there called Mar-a-Lago
A private Palm Beach, Florida club owned by a temper tantrum throwing
spoiled brat billionaire named Donald Trump
Imagine my surprise when I heard this bozo
was also the President of the United States
The country has certainly gone down hill
since the days of Harry Truman
I figure.

Anyways a Chinese lady spy named Yujing Zhang
was arrested at the club trying to enter it with a
thumb drive containing malware
I had no idea what a thumb drive is
Thought it might be that a car was driven by your thumb
instead of both hands in this day and age
or maybe some newly designed form of golf club
they came up with that quite literally relies on the rule of thumb
And as for malware, I thought it was some guy named Mel Ware
who just might be the uncle of Token Ware
a female character in a Raymond Chandler Philip Marlowe story

I was set straight on the new developments in technology
by the ghosts of eccentric Serb-American inventor Nikola Tesla
and some British guy named Alan Turing
who made a name for himself in mathematics

Anyways it turns out this Yujing Zhang wasn’t the only femme fatale
causing intrigue down at Club Mar-a-Lago
Some woman named Li Cindy Yang is also involved
It turns out she owns a massage parlour
where prostitution is said to be going on
on the premises
One of her arrested johns was a Mr. Robert Kraft
the owner of a football team called The New England Patriots
The case is made even more interesting by the fact
that the team’s quarterback Tom Brady
claims he’s able to win football games
through the help of his wife
Gisele Bundchen
who’s a witch.

The whole thing reminds me of a film my friend Veronica Lake
made back in 1942
called I Married A Witch

So you can imagine my surprise when I walked through the door
of Club Mar-a-Lago
and saw the Maltese Falcon on the table
That old bird that appeared in the film by that title
That I starred in back in 1941

Around the table lay the bodies of various secret service agents
who had been completely drained of blood
A beautiful Chinese woman wearing a white evening dress
stood outside the club dining room window
in the middle of the pouring rain

“That most enchanting and intriguing woman is the Chinese Communist vampiress Mei-ling Manchu,”
The ghost of Orson Welles arrived in the nick of time
sipping a glass of red wine,
“She’s the daughter of Dr. Fu Manchu the famous scientist
whose exploits were written about in the novels of Sax Rohmer”.

“What’s she doing here?” I asked Welles.
Welles smiled, “She’s hidden a bunch of condoms owned by the Knights of Malta
in that Maltese Falcon.
That way when they’re found by law enforcement authorities
who are already on their way over here
The find will prove to be problematic and embarrassing
for both Donald Trump and Pope Francis
And the Chinese government will have killed two birds with one stone.”

“Well, that explains the pair of sunglass wearing dead pink flamingos I passed by on the lawn on the way in then,” I remarked
“Those are actually lawn ornaments knocked over by drunken country club members,” Welles finished his wine.

I noticed Mei-ling Manchu approach a fire-breathing Black Dragon
and crawl on to its back
“Off to Venezuela,” she said, “There to watch the Donald play his final Trump card before we divide this land between ourselves and the Russians.”
She and the Dragon flew off into the night sky

I walked outside to watch the Dragon and the vampiress depart
I looked down at the two pink flamingos and remarked to Welles,
“Well, I suppose the problems of two flamingos don’t amount to a hill of beans in this world.”
Welles lit himself a cigar and remarked, “Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But someday and soon.”
Some young woman named Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez stood outside the club and waved a document called the Green New Deal.

“Bogey on the 18th hole,” the ghost of Arnold Palmer remarked as he walked by with his golf clubs.

I laughed, patted Welles on the shoulder and said,
“You know, Orson, this could be the start of a beautiful friendship”
As we walked off into the misty greens.

-A poem and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday April 3rd


  1. David Redpath said,

    I once went out with Token Ware’s sister,
    Tupper. I found her personality to be rather
    plastic, so that was that. But she did like to
    party! Attending a Tupper Ware’s party is
    something you’d never forget! I ran into
    Justin Trudeau at one of her soirees. He
    had heard that there was going to be pot
    for sale. An understandable mistake 😎

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Ah yes, Tupper Ware.

      She definitely likes to party!

      And pot for sale- a very understandable mistake for Justin. πŸ˜‚

      • David Redpath said,

        Yes, Justin was clearly a lid
        short of a lunchbox πŸ‘οΈβ€πŸ—¨οΈπŸ‘οΈ

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        That’s why he’s been a long time out to lunch. 😎

  2. David Redpath said,

    Like Orson Welles, I too suspect that
    Humphrey Bogart has gone a bit soft.
    Probably as a result of spending all that
    time in the water filming The African Queen.
    Not to mention hanging out with Katharine Hepburn. Broads tend to have that effect
    on tough guys.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Yes, Katharine Hepburn definitely liked to wear the pants in her films.

      Obviously had an emasculating effect on Bogey!

      • David Redpath said,

        Yes indeed, Chris.
        Whilst the band Little Feet wear singing,
        🎢 “Don’t bogart that joint my friend,
        . . . Pass it over to me!” 🎢
        I would’ve been screaming,
        “Get out of that boat, Bogart, and flee!”

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Head for the nearest petrified forest or gin joint where you can watch as time goes by.

      • David Redpath said,

        Then best catch the Marrakesh Express
        to Casablanca, a d hope that Rick’s Joint
        is still open and serving

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Exactly. πŸ˜‚

  3. velvetscreams said,

    Great post again dracul. Loved this

  4. Hyperion said,

    Waaa haaa haaaa! Another prophetic enchantment. Several undocumented greens workers threw the Maltese Falcon on the floor and broke it, scooping up all the extra-large condoms and rushed outside to join the new green deal and offer AOC a ride on the pink Flamingoes. Later, Boobie-Hand Biden insisted it was no big deal between party members.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      I can picture Boobie-Hand Biden saying that. πŸ˜‚

      • Hyperion said,

        Waaa haaa haaaa πŸ˜†! BHB is such a perv but I noticed even with a half dozen women having the FBI fingerprint thier boobs to verify their stories, not a single peep from the world can be heard because he’s the world’s Libertine Candidate for the GOO disposal plan and if the world has to sacrifice a handful of boobs and booties to get there, well those poor victims of the Libertinistic population will go unheard. Even MeToo is saying, no, not you.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes, liberal Democrats seem to be exempt from condemnations of sexual harassment.

      • Hyperion said,

        I think it’s only if a republican does it then it’s wrong. Thats what confused all the Hollywood predators. They were all liberal socialists and didn’t realize they couldn’t rape and pillage like their political cohorts they bought and put in office. At least Oh Bummer didn’t grab any bootie. I think because Ms. Oh Bummer was six foot four and 220 pounds of angry woman. πŸ˜†

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes, Michelle is definitely a woman you don’t want to piss off. πŸ˜‚

      • Hyperion said,

        She looked like she could whip out some ugly on your ass.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        They should bring her to Calgary as an associate of Pan Goatee. πŸ˜‚

      • Hyperion said,

        The shortest internship ever! πŸ˜‚

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,


  5. George F. said,

    Looking at a woman a second too long now constitutes sexual harassment. I now keep my head down and what’s left of my dick in my hand.

  6. Jessica said,

    One of the longest poems I read is from you, but you always manage to make me enjoy them… I’m smiling and loving this one.

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