Pan Goatee Has A Mental Breakdown

April 23, 2019 at 10:04 pm (Aesthetics, Arts) (, , )

Satyr serial killer and DARPA contract assassin Pan Goatee had not been venturing out of the house much in this turbulent off and on again spring weather.

Which was fine with him as the city these days seemed to be crawling with loads of ugly looking white women which put the lie to the myth that was white racial supremacy.

He had been watching episodes of The Young and The Restless which caused one of his roommates to remark, “There are only two kinds of people I know who watch soap operas- women. And you.”

Tonight however he would have to venture forth to the store as he had run out of fudgesickles and chocolate bars.

As he made his way to the freezer section, an ugly looking white woman happened to walk by the spot where the fudgesickles were.

Odious creatures.

These Hellspawn from the depths of Tartarus no doubt did those sorts of things deliberately just to agitate him.

He had to wait for a beautiful looking immigrant woman to walk by to remove the voodoo spell on the spot that was cast by the walking dandelion from Hell.

He grabbed the sole remaining box of 30 fudgesickles for $8 that was left.

No doubt the rest had all been snapped up by the city’s fat ugly blimps with the entire package serving as the first course of a 39-course meal for all fat ugly blimps concerned.

He then went to get his chocolate bars.

When he returned to the front, the ugly dandelion from Hell was at his favourite cashier.

Stupid ugly looking bitch.

He would now have to go over to his 2nd favourite cashier to avoid standing in line behind the ugly looking freak that no doubt would be honoured with a coin minted of her looks since Justin Trudeau seemed to enjoy minting coins depicting total freaks ever since he became Prime Minister of Canada in that disastrous year of 2015.

Justin’s latest coin unveiled today had caused British MP Renfield R. Renfield to quip, “In Canada, rather than rendering unto Caesar the things that are Caesar’s, they believe in rendering unto sodomites the things that are sodomites’.”

Unfortunately, the people ahead of him had a great deal of stuff they were ringing through.

Not of course as much as the city’s fat ugly blimps who normally had 20 grocery carts stacked high to the ceiling with food with them.

Just then a beautiful looking immigrant woman went and stood behind the ugly looking dandelion from Hell at his favourite cashier.

He decided to go stand behind her since she would remove the voodoo spell being cast by the ugly looking dandelion from Hell.

The ugly looking dandelion from Hell was of course taking her sweet time figuring out how to use the debit machine.

Like all ugly looking women in the city, she was not only ugly but stupid as well.

By the time the ugly dandelion from Hell had figured out how to use the debit machine, her equally brainless husband (he was brainless for being married to the likes of her) had finished packing the groceries.

Off went the ugly dandelion from Hell and her brainless husband who held the Guinness World Record For Lousy Taste In Women.

Pan Goatee packed up his fudgesickles and chocolate bars and headed out the door.

He thought he had seen the last of the ugly dandelion from Hell.

But the ugly thing then came walking out of the Dollarama store next door and then started following behind Goatee.

Goatee had had enough of this degenerately botched abortion at this point.

He removed his laser machete and started carving up the ugly looking dandelion from Hell starting with her ugly face.

“You ugly looking thing, can’t you get it through your stupid ugly heads that satyrs or any being from classical Greece can’t stand being in your presence,” Goatee went livid, “what just because you’re blonde, you think you’re beautiful? You’re no Marilyn Monroe, you peroxide washed green haired gargoyle who was certified as being too ugly for Notre Dame. A transgendered looking Yoda would come across as being of Helen of Troy in her looks compared to the likes of you.”

Goatee continued to rage as he cut her up into 666 trillion x 666 sextillion pieces.

Krampus the 2nd who had arrived on the scene to gather up the pieces of the ugly looking dandelion from Hell to cast them into the flames of Tartarus became quite concerned about Goatee’s mental state.

Goatee turned the corner and came across the stupid husband of the ugly looking dandelion from Hell.

He was sitting in the passenger side of the car waiting for her to show up.

“What you brainless Neanderthal with the taste of a Philistine, you mean to say you let your ugly looking wife wear the pants in the family and sit in the driver’s seat?” Goatee then started dismembering the brainless husband.

By the time he was finished, the DARPA sanity squad arrived on the scene to take Pan Goatee to a clinic for psychiatric assessment.

Donald Trump was informed of the DARPA contract assassin’s mental breakdown a few hours later.

“And who is this Pan Goatee again?” Trump asked, “What does he do?”

“He kills ugly looking women,” the DARPA operative replied.

“No wonder he had a mental breakdown,” Trump sympathized, “In this day and age, that would be a full time job.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday April 23rd


  1. George F. said,

    Hysterical, as always.

  2. Hyperion said,

    Poor Pan. Clearly he has PTSD. The only thing to do is to outlaw all astral lasers and celebrate Pan’s goat legs as an abnormality making him a protected category in which case Canadian law could limit the ability of offending bovinity to freely walk around in public or use bus transportation during Pan’s normal outdoor activities. This would reduce his workload to a manageable piece count.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      I think that’s an excellent idea, Daniel.

      Something Canadian Federal Conservative leader Andrew Scheer should enact into law as soon as he wins the Canadian national election this autumn.

      I don’t think the pot smoking drama teacher Justin Trudeau would do it.

      Considering that earlier this week he had his Finance Minister attend the unveiling of a newly minted coin honouring the achievements of the LGBTQ community to Canada.

      Of course the LGBTQ community have contributed nothing to Canada other than numerous examples of bellyaching, bitching and complaining over the years.

      But that seems to be right up Justin’s alley.

      • Hyperion said,

        I’m sure a coin celebrating LGBTQ activism in Canada will sooth every sore butt, especially Flambeau Trudeau’s tanga bootie twerk style goverment so immensely perfected in the golden age of the libertine Oh-Bummer era. When the Goo attempted to put a halt to the mass sodomy of America he was immediately threatened with Rus Viking collusion, golden showers with underpaid foreign protitutes, and empeachment. Once the Poo Train starts it is nearly impossible to stop. 🚄💨💩🙈

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        I just recently came across a photo of all the amounts of poo they have shoveled off the sidewalks of San Francisco.

        Nancy Pelosi wants this to happen to every community in America.

      • Hyperion said,

        You are right. Fancy Piglosi wants all of America to become a toilet for America haters. I think she plans to charge 10 cents per dump and a penny to pee on the sidwalk. Its free to poop or pee on someone’s private property. Of course her house has a very high wall, armed security, and any hater that drops their drawers to poop on her sidewalk gets shot and fed to the German Shepard’s that prowl the grounds.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes, there’s one law for Fancy and another law for regular American citizens.

      • Hyperion said,

        As is always the case with the rich who withold priviledge only for themselves, what goes around comes around and one day Fancy will be found on the sidewalk with a thumper dumper big plunker on her forehead. And no toilet paper anywhere to be found. Karma has spoken.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        And if not spoken.

        At least tweeted.

        Real Karma @RealKarma

        @NotSoFancyPelosiAnymore Welcome to the jungle.

      • Hyperion said,

        This would definitely result in Twittergeddon.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        It will be the party pooper that broke the Internet.

      • Hyperion said,

        Waaaa haaaa haaa haaaa BRAP! Whoops, laughed too hard. 🙊

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        This looks like a job for… Sherrielock Holmes’ Bavarian Magic Mushroom Cleaner and Stain Remover. 💪

      • Hyperion said,

        Sherrielock will need to add poopourri to take care of that open sewer ambiance.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,


      • Hyperion said,


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