How Boris Johnson and Renfield R. Renfield Spent Saint Christopher’s Day
How Boris Johnson and Renfield R. Renfield Spent Saint Christopher’s Day
July 25th is Saint Christopher’s Day (even though the post-Vatican II Catholic Church from 1969 onwards taught that in their opinion, Saint Christopher never existed, the Saint Christopher medal continues to be popular among travellers and surfers).
Boris Johnson spent Saint Christopher’s Day giving his first speech as Prime Minister of the United Kingdom in the British House of Commons.
Meanwhile across the Pond (otherwise known as the Atlantic Ocean), Donald Trump spent the day looking at a photo of himself speaking at a recent event and noticed for the first time that the seal of the President of the United States of America bore a double headed eagle clutching a bag of golf clubs in one of its claws.
“I could have sworn that it was a single headed eagle clutching arrows in one of its claws,” Trump scratched the dandruff out of his toupee.
Back across the Pond again, the Welsh vampiress Morgana sat on the government benches in the House of Commons as Deputy Home Secretary In Charge of Midnight Security.
She applied mascara to her eyelashes and red finger nail polish to her finger nails as Johnson gave an impassioned speech to the Commons on how he was going to deliver Brexit.
As Johnson spoke, British Transhumanist MP Renfield R. Renfield likewise sat on the government benches in the Commons as Deputy Foreign Secretary In Charge of Geopolitical Intelligence Gathering.
While Johnson continued speaking, Renfield was busy text messaging his former boss the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.
Renfield was expressing his opinion to Set that Johnson probably wouldn’t be able to negotiate a Brexit deal with the European Union for 3 reasons:
1) European Union bureaucrats would probably continue to act like Soviet commissars on the question of the backstop on the Irish border between the British province of Northern Ireland and the Republic of Ireland
2) Irish Taoiseach (Prime Minister) Leo Varadkar would probably continue to act like Oscar Wilde on steroids on top of Lord Alfred Douglas on the Irish border backstop question
3) The notorious drunken leprechaun Yaldabaoth (viewed as the Demi-Urge who created the material physical universe by various Gnostic groups throughout the centuries) would probably continue to sleep across the border- half on the north side and half on the south
It was for these reasons, Renfield advised Set, that he should expect a no-deal Brexit.
A hard Brexit.
As Set sat in The Ten Bells Pub in central London and read Renfield’s text message, he put his construction hard hat on, got a hard on as he looked at a poster of the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec, ordered 10 T-Rex shooters (guaranteed to kill any mortal dead) and when he had finished drinking and paid his bill, went off to Harrods to stock up on candies and various other treats for this coming Halloween.
Meanwhile in Moscow, Russian President Vladimir Putin had summoned the Russian vampiress Svetlana Kireeva of the FSB to his office to discuss the most recent actions by Ukraine.
The Russian tanker Nika Spirit (formerly called the Neyma) had been detained by the Ukrainian security service (SBU) in the Black Sea port of Izmail, Ukraine.
10 crew members who were aboard the Nika Spirit were held briefly for a few hours and then released.
Speaking to reporters in Kiev, Svetlana Kireeva’s vampiress rival and arch enemy the Ukrainian vampiress Inna Huculak of the SBU said that the Nika Spirit in its previous maritime ship incarnation as the Neyma had been the ship responsible for blocking the Kerch Strait to the Sea of Azov on November 25th of last year allowing the Russian Navy to seize the Ukrainian Navy gunboats The Nikopol and The Berdyansk and a Ukrainian Navy tug allowing the Russian Navy to capture 30 Ukrainian sailors of whom 24 remain in Russian custody.
After the incident had happened last November, the Ukrainian vampiress Inna Huculak had approached Renfield R. Renfield for help.
Renfield had set sail on the Dr. Cadbury Rocher designed submarine The Amphitrite II with his own personal brigade of British Army Gurkhas.
They sailed straight through the Strait of Kerch to the Sea of Azov.
There they captured a Russian Navy submarine The Svyatoy Ivan and took 66 Russian Navy sailors hostage.
The sailors would be released in return for the release of the 24 Ukrainian sailors.
However Putin absolutely refused to negotiate with Renfield R. Renfield as Renfield had once stolen a bunch of antique Bavarian beer mugs from the Russian leader’s antique Bavarian beer mug collection back in August 2014 and Putin had never forgiven him for it.
The 66 Russian sailors had been held prisoner at a castle in the Scottish highlands under guard from Renfield’s personal brigade of British Army Gurkhas ever since.
How CNN News reported Renfield R. Renfield’s capture of the Russian Navy ship The Svyatoy Ivan at its web site on November 29th of last year:
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday July 25th
2019.
Dracul Van Helsing 
David Redpath said,
July 26, 2019 at 4:25 am
It may be of interest, St. Christopher,
that Boris Johnson was sent to the
penal colony of Australia, as student
teacher, to serve a term at Geelong
Grammar’s Timbertop campus.
There same institution that had a
young Prince Charles come and
instruct the convicts how a real
English upper class prefect spanks.
As both the spanker, and the spankee.
Apparently Boris had a passion for
the sadistic game of Dodge Ball,
from which he seemed to derived
much pleasure.
Apart from that, the ASIO files
don’t have much more to say about
young Boris.
But I’ll keep digging around 👍
Dracul Van Helsing said,
July 26, 2019 at 1:02 pm
Looking forward to hearing what else ASIO has to say about Boris, David. 😀
Hyperion said,
July 26, 2019 at 8:52 am
I shudder to utter the new conspiracy that rises in the provocative, progressive halls of America. It seems Boris and the GOO are mates in good standing with each other. Given the penchant for Britain and her former colonies to run rampant with fake news of the GOO’s escapades in ruining the libertine lifestyle with his blunt twittering, it would seem Boris could now have the giant fake news industry aimed at him as well. I say Britain should just say FU to the EU and then bomb and strafe any country of the EU that takes any punitive action against Britain. This will clearly take some of the pressure off the GOO and allow him some peaceful kitty-kat petting time, which will ultimately enrich the porn industry so worshipped by the Libertines. It’s a win-win for everyone; well, except the ninnies that Britain bombs and strafes. I’m sure that will seem ironic to Her Reichness, Dame Merkle. Perhaps Inna could spank the EU Counsel heads to set the stage for a peaceful Brexit.
Dracul Van Helsing said,
July 26, 2019 at 1:06 pm
An excellent suggestion, Daniel.
Sherrielock could be brought in to tomato the buns of the EU Counsel heads as well.
Hyperion said,
July 26, 2019 at 8:31 pm
A tomato fest is in order to restore order. Who else better than the Femme Fatale fanny smoker, Sherrielock Holmes.
Dracul Van Helsing said,
July 26, 2019 at 11:30 pm
Causing the U.S. Surgeon General to issue the warning, “Fanny smoking can be hazardous to your buns.”