Amazon On Fire

August 22, 2019 at 10:58 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Amazon On Fire

London-based private eyes Magog Rhys Petley and Agathor Christie sat in the New York City office of Lev Tomi the Secretary-General of the UN Secretariat On The Environment and Climate Change.

Unbeknownst to Magog and Agathor, Lev Tomi was a vampire.

Hence the reason for the late night meeting.

During his mortal life, Lev Tomi had been the Russian Communist Leon Trotsky.

Magog Rhys Petley and Agathor Christie had recently been deported from Argentina as their investigation into a sex trafficking ring (with possible close ties to the Vatican) was getting a little too close for the powers that be behind the curtains who were secretly running the world.

“Gentlemen,” Lev Tomi took off his wire rimmed spectacles and wiped them, “I want you to go down to Brazil and investigate and find out who’s responsible for setting all the wild fires that are currently burning up the Amazon rain forests which are the lungs of planet Earth.”

“Well according to Jair Bolsonaro the President of Brazil, the ones who set the fires are the NGOs of Brazil since his government slashed funding to them,” Magog noted.

“And do you believe him?” Lev Tomi stroked his dark goatee beard.

“No,” Magog shook his head, “They don’t call him the Donald Trump of Brazil for nothing.”

“Will you take the case?” Tomi asked.

“We will,” Magog agreed.

. . .

Meanwhile at the Vatican, Cardinal JM (which was his code name) the head of the Vatican Secret Intelligence Service was secretly pleased about the wild fires happening in the Amazon rain forest.

The reason was the upcoming Synod On The Amazon which was being held at the Vatican this coming October.

Cardinal JM and his fellow pagan cardinals at the Vatican (which was actually a great many of them) were hoping to use that synod to overturn 2000 years of Catholic doctrine and liturgy.

And they were hoping to use the ecological crisis facing the Amazon region of South America to be able to do just that.

. . .

British Prime Minister Boris Johnson and French President Emmanuel Macron were meeting in Paris to discuss Brexit and the question of the Irish backstop on the Republic of Ireland/Northern Ireland border.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel in her meeting with Johnson in Berlin yesterday said that if Johnson could come up with a solution to the Irish backstop problem within 30 days, she would be willing to listen.

Macron, on the other hand, like most pompous and arrogant French leaders, was not so accommodating.

Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun (who liked to drink and sleep with part of his body on one half of the Irish border and the other part of his body on the other) watched the Johnson-Macron meeting live on his Samsung Galaxy tablet while drinking from a large keg of Jameson Whiskey and recalling how he had once saved all of Ireland from the Prussian invasion of 1807.

Or was it the Napoleonic invasion of 1808?

He always got those two years and two invasions mixed up for some reason.

The leprechaun fell asleep.

. . .

The Byzantine vampiress Theodora was wearing a red Italian Renaissance era style dress and walking down the steps and corridors of the ancient Italian city of Ravenna.

She smiled when she saw Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing approach.

“Your Vampiric Majesty,” Dracul greeted her, “I need your help in stopping Recep Tayyip Erdogan’s Turkish army from invading northern Syria and massacring Kurds and Christians.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday August 22nd


  1. George F. said,

    Burn baby burn. The planet. The Vatican. All of it. Start over.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      The Apostle Peter did write in one of his Epistles that the Earth would someday melt and burn with a fervent heat.

      And a new heaven and a new Earth would be created.

  2. Hyperion said,

    Another bold display of your powers of prescience my prophet friend. Who will save our souls when the Pagan Vatican heretics destroy the lungs of the world.

    • George F. said,

      Dracul sure is prolific! I’ve been discussing this with him.

      • Hyperion said,

        I wish I could whack out golden vampiric adventures like Chris does. I’m lucky to get a post a week. I’m Trying to do more, but apparently my time management is a loud sucking hoover device. Chris, bro, what’s your secret to writerly prolificity?

      • George F. said,

        Yeah, I just asked him that same question…it’s buried somewhere in these blogs…

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes, the WP gremlins seem to have mixed up all the comments on this blog, George.

        The comments seem to be scattered all over the place like Donald Trump’s hands in a shower room full of nude female porn stars.

        But if you check out my comment made at 5:03 PM August 23 2019 (if you can locate it), I gave my answer to you and Daniel’s question.

        Daniel’s reply to it makes no sense whatsoever, he’s talking about farting on the bus as an old man and producing dust clouds and snow mold.

        Having nothing whatsoever to do with any of the comments previously posted here.

        He was either hitting several dozens of bottles of bourbon with DARPA’s pet mascot Jefferey the otter at the time or the new plant that Tiger Mom’s been growing around the house is legalized Canadian cannabis and Daniel left his pipe burning in the planting pots casting the aroma to whiff around the house.

      • George F. said,

        Perhaps Daniel is responding to a memory.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        A memory of one of the deadliest bus attacks in all recorded history.

        If the gas mask hadn’t been invented before then, it would have after that.

      • Hyperion said,

        I think I saw it and hopefully, will see the secret revealed soon. I’m stuck in slow poke mode with my posting schedule.

      • George F. said,

        Executive summary: Chris writes to fight his own depression and he writes for himself. It’s nice that people enjoy it while he sticks it to the aristocracy. Is the goal to live like Jeffrey Epstein? I wonder, as he was being strangled to death…did he think, “well, I had a good run so it was worth it…” Or did he think, “what the hell have I done?” I dunno. I mean, all parties end.

      • Hyperion said,

        I think you hit on sonething very important. We should all write for ourselves first and if our writing has a following of good and supportive readers, our life is better. The Black Dog can get us no matter what we do, but if we are smiling and enjoying our work and our friends, the old Black Dog has less teeth to bite our butts with. I think Epstein reached past the power of his money and when he realized it, he pulled the plug. He never publicly admitted any wrong doing and so didn’t see any reason for pennance or regret. Now, let the food fight begin. There are a lot of dollars up for grabs and the woodwork will empty itself of money grabbers and talking heads, leaving real victims trampled under their feet.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Epstein is now being bit on the ass by Cerberus the three headed Black Dog of Hell.

      • Hyperion said,

        I’m sure he’ll be required to service the old demons in the same way he required underage girls to service him. Alas, and not one ice cube in Hell to soothe that eternal burning rectal itch.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        As Epstein roasts away on his spit, he’s thinking, “What the Hell I’ve done is sent myself to Hell.”

      • George F. said,

        Is he gone or is he somehow suffering. That is the question.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        That is the infinite amount of dollars question.

      • George F. said,

        Yes, it is isn’t it? If there is no consequence after this life…

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        The French philosopher and scientist Blaise Pascal once wrote on this very subject in an essay called Pascal’s Wager.

        Where he broke down the statistics on the subject.

      • George F. said,

        I recall reading that in college. I will read again.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Thank you, George. 🙂

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Exactly, Daniel.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        I think my secret to writing prolifically, Daniel, is that I never married.

        Having a wife and family I think takes up a great deal of one’s time.

        Of course it was hard living the single life in Vancouver with so many beautiful Dragon Sisters walking around.

        A lot easier in Calgary with so many fat ugly white blimps and their thin ugly stoat and medium sized ugly gargoyle cousins waddling around.

        It turns off one’s sexual drive faster than a volcano of saltpeter exploding.

      • Hyperion said,

        Let us endeavor not to do that. Can you imagine being so old that when you fart on the bus people sneeze from the dust cloud and the transit authority worries about where that funky mold smell is coming from? 😷

  3. George F. said,

    I’m gonna “align myself” with a cause soon and Paul is gone “woke.”

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Yes, align yourself just ’cause.

      Paul has awakened just in time to see Akira and Billy Bob getting the heat on.

  4. George F. said,

    The farting on the bus…OMG…we digress…

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Those were exactly the very words spoken by the Hazardous Waste Material Clean-Up team when they boarded the bus.

  5. thewaldenword said,

    The Amazon is NOT the “lungs of the Earth”
    But do you know what is?

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