Renfield Plots Revenge On British Commons Speaker John Bercow

October 21, 2019 at 10:42 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Spy Tales, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Renfield Plots Revenge On British Commons Speaker John Bercow

“It appears the Speaker of the House of Commons John Bercow did not learn his lesson the other night when he was kept awake by Pan Deux’s bagpipe playing and a recording of Nancy Pelosi moaning and groaning while using AOC’s confiscated vibrator,” said a livid British MP Renfield R. Renfield, “he disallowed a simple yes or no vote to be held in the Commons today on the Johnson-Renfield Brexit deal.”

“This John Bercow must be a sucker for punishment,” dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes purred elegantly as she chewed on her cat o’ nine tails and smoothed her black leather skirt.

“He must be,” Renfield agreed, “Miranda Singh has just returned from Turkey where she successfully kicked Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan in the balls with her spiked stilettos this past weekend. I’ve now hired her to go to the Speaker’s residence and kick John Bercow in the balls with her spiked stilettos this evening.”

“And when would you like me to tomato his buttocks?” Sherrielock asked.

“That will be the last resort,” Renfield smiled, “I understand you used your intelligence assets to dig up dirt on Bercow for me.”

“On one of his acquaintances actually,” Sherrielock answered, “not on Bercow himself.”

The dominatrix handed the Transhumanist MP several photos of Bercow with another man.

“Who’s this guy with Bercow?” Renfield inquired.

“He’s the Australian billionaire violin manufacturer Murdoch Pertru,” Sherrielock replied, “who has been seen in Bercow’s company on numerous occasions throughout the years.”

“Australian billionaire violin manufacturer?” Renfield was flabbergasted, “I didn’t even know they made violins over in Australia. Where do they get the wood? They don’t have any trees over there in Australia do they?”.

“They make violins from recycled tires,” said Sherrielock.

“Make violins from recycled tires?” Renfield was now doubly flabbergasted, “I’ve never heard of anything so ridiculous.”

“It’s an Australian thing apparently,” Sherrielock smiled.

“Who the Hell came up with the idea of making violins from recycled tires?” Renfield demanded to know.

“Well it definitely wasn’t Murdoch Pertru,” Sherrielock replied, “Making violins from recycled tires was apparently the brainchild of a notorious individual nicknamed Uncle Ernie who blew his mind on acid decades ago. Uncle Ernie held the patent for the Ernievarius as the violin is still called but he put up that patent as his stake in an LSD induced high stakes poker game which Ernie lost to Murdoch Pertru. Pertru went on to become a successful manufacturer of Ernievarius violins and a billionaire in the process. Uncle Ernie went on to become a successful entertainer at children’s birthday parties in Australia. That is when he wasn’t spending time in the hoosegow for what he did during those parties. Today he runs a small mail order business called Chemical of The Day Club.”

“And what sort of dirt have you dug up on Murdoch Pertru an acquaintance of John Bercow?” Renfield asked.

“Well apparently Pertru spends a great deal of time at a seedy opium den in Sydney’s Chinatown,” Sherrielock replied, “an establishment owned by a mysterious and inscrutable individual who goes by the name of Inn Lu. I’ve asked Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster to psychically look into the background of this Mr. Inn Lu which Michelangelo will do as soon as his lobster tank is repaired after a mysterious explosion that occurred after I entered the room.”

“And what does Murdoch Pertru do in Inn Lu’s seedy opium den?” Renfield inquired.

The dominatrix handed the MP more photographs.

“As you can see looking at those photos, Pertru was caught in several compromising positions with sex dolls made to look like kangaroos,” Sherrielock smiled, “The fact that Bercow is an acquaintance of such a debased defiler of kangaroo sex dolls should prove to be highly embarrassing for the Speaker.”

“Indeed,” Renfield admitted as the terrifying image of Bercow dressed as a sex doll kangaroo entered his mind.

-A vampire novel chapterย 
written by Christopher
Monday October 21st

Sherrielock Holmes: Mistress of Intrigue


  1. Dawn Renee said,

    Ernie did not have a ball! So, I’m apprehensive to see if buttock tomatoing ( I make my own words) is a descriptive term from an actual um, event. Furthermore, I’m holding a temporary grudge for the implanted vision of Pelosi.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      My friend and fellow blogger Sherry (who was the inspiration behind the character of Sherrielock Holmes) does use those words “buttocks tomatoing”.

      Yes, that vision of Pelosi is indeed more terrifying than a scene in any horror movie. ๐Ÿ˜ฏ๐Ÿ˜ฆ๐Ÿ˜ง๐Ÿ˜ฎ๐Ÿ˜ฒ๐Ÿ˜ต๐Ÿ˜ฑ๐Ÿ˜จ

      • Dawn Renee said,

        Then, I am not alone here. I thought Sherrielock was a cute name when I saw it, as well as an unexpected manipulation of a character.
        The grudge is slowly lifting.

  2. David Redpath said,

    “There’s no such thing as bad publicity.” ~ Uncle Ernie

  3. David Redpath said,

    Chris, an interested fact about
    Uncle Ernie’s invention. He was
    actually trying to develop a white
    man’s foolproof boomerang out of
    recycled tyres. Simply throw it
    directly at the ground, and it’s sure
    to bounce back. When I saw what
    he was up to, locked away in his
    backyard meth lab, I dismissively
    commented how he likes to fiddle
    about. A week later he emerged
    playing Antonio Vivaldi’s The Four
    Seasonsย on his rubber Ernievarius.
    Such a pity Uncle Ernie lost the
    patent. He claims that Murdoch
    Pertru cheated him in the game of
    poker by spiking his LSD with sugar,
    as Uncle Ernie is diabetic.
    I do hope that Murdoch Petru gets
    what’s coming to him.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      That is interesting about the background of Uncle Ernie’s invention of the Ernievarius.

      Vivaldi’s The Four Seasons is one of my favourite classical baroque pieces.

      Although I might have a different opinion after having heard it play on the rubber Ernievarius.

      Definitely an outrage spiking the LSD with sugar.

      I can just imagine Timothy Leary doing TV ads for sugar free soft drinks if that had ever happened to him.

      Yes, Murdock Petru will hopefully get what’s coming to him.

      Possibly a nocturnal visit from a Jesuit priest. ๐Ÿ‘๐ŸŒ

  4. David Redpath said,

    And I believe a certain British
    Ex-Prime Minister conducted
    an affair with his now ex-wife.
    But I don’t like to gossip … much ๐Ÿ™„

    • David Redpath said,

      Yes, I never like to gossip much,
      but it’s all there in Murdock Petru’s
      ASIO file ๐Ÿ‘€ Which is quite rather
      bulky, being a noted Australian.
      Turns out his much younger trophy
      wife, was more of a show pony, if
      you get my drift. Hence she thought
      he wouldn’t object to a bit of good
      old english prime ministerial hanky
      panky. Turns out there was a secret
      service leak to the press.
      The ensuing scandal resulted in a
      Clinton style mess, The upshot, so
      to speak, was a quick divorce.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Always a good thing. ๐Ÿ˜œ

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes, divorce seems to be a billionaire’s idea of a quickie these days. ๐Ÿง

  5. David Redpath said,

    You’ve reminded me, Chris, that
    Uncle Ernie petitioned the Vatican
    for years to have Timothy Leary
    canonised. But for some reason
    the Holy Sea wouldn’t accept Ernie’s
    sworn testimony of the numerous
    miracles he had witnessed at several of Timothy Leary’s parties?
    Uncle Ernie had worked as a studio
    recording engineer for Pink Floyd,
    so he often ended up at those type
    of 60’s happenings. Till he was
    given “creative control” over the
    Pink Floyd album, ‘Ummagumma’.
    He was soon fired, and has never
    set foot in a recording studio since
    (If you’ve ever heard Ummagumma
    you’ll know why). Poor Uncle Ernie
    was then reduced to working as a
    roadie for the Rolling Stones. He
    says now he didn’t mind ’cause he
    there was all the dope he could
    ingest, and plenty of “baby tiger”?
    Anyway, he gave up on his quest
    to see Saint Timothy of the Alter
    Reality when finally a letter arrived,
    complete with the Papal Seal of
    Pope John Paul 2, saying that those
    “magical mystery miracles” were
    sorcery, and the work of the devil.
    Even threatening to excommunicate
    Uncle Ernie if he persists with his
    petitioning. Which, being a good
    Catholic he did.
    But now, with Pope Francis, his hopes
    have been rekindled ๐Ÿ˜‡

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      I imagine with Pope Francis, those hopes have definitely been re-kindled.

      I can probably expect to see Uncle Ernie sitting in the very front row at the side of the altar when Pope Francis canonizes Timothy Leary the Patron Saint of The Alter Reality. ๐Ÿ˜‡

      • David Redpath said,

        He’s already volunteered to
        conduct the choir boys ๐ŸŽถ
        And play Franz Schubert’s
        Ave Maria on his Ernievarius ๐ŸŽป

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        That will be an unforgettable performance.

        No doubt the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops will be taking up the rear behind the choir boys.๐ŸŽถ

      • David Redpath said,

        It would certainly be a very
        touching event for Uncle Ernie.
        He started his somewhat
        chequered musical career as
        a choir boy at St. Sodoman’s.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        So eveything would appear to have come full circle in Uncle Ernie’s life.

      • David Redpath said,

        Well, he has been designated as a
        hopeless recidivist according to the
        sex offender registry, so I guess you
        could say that ๐Ÿค”

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        And there, but for the influence of Timothy Leary, he might have been the next President of the United States. โœŒ๐Ÿป

      • David Redpath said,

        Thank goodness ๐Ÿ™

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Definitely an argument that can be used in promoting Timothy Leary’s sainthood cause. ๐Ÿ˜‡

  6. David Redpath said,

    Uncle Ernie’s curriculum vitae
    is far from impeccable. But by
    today’s standards he is certainly
    Presidential material. Along With
    a lifetime of lifestyle choices
    wholly impeachable ๐Ÿ˜Ž

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Yes, the House Impeachment Committee will have a lot of offenses to choose from. ๐Ÿ˜Ž

      • David Redpath said,

        It would be the Republicans turn
        for some impeachable fun, as
        Uncle Ernie is a card carrying
        Commy, and a big fan of the Bern.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Perhaps Bernie can invite Ernie to do some campaigning for him. ๐Ÿ˜Ž

      • David Redpath said,

        Ernie’s US visa was permanently
        cancelled. Something to do with
        sex trafficking. He was arrested
        having sex in the street next to
        Time Square.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Definitely a case of sex in traffic all right. ๐Ÿ’ƒ๐Ÿป๐ŸŒ๐Ÿš—๐Ÿš“

  7. David Redpath said,

    If fact, Mr. Inn Lu gave him that
    Little Red Book of Chairman Mao’s,
    and he’s never looked back ๐Ÿ“™
    “Better Red than Dead”, he said.
    Then he smoked some Dragon
    Brand opium ๐Ÿ‰, and went back
    to bed ๐Ÿ›Œ ๐Ÿ’ค

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      No doubt dreaming dreams of Xanadu where the neon lights shone for him as a young short skirted Olivia Elton John as one of the 9 Muses whizzed by him while wearing roller skates. โœจโšก

  8. David Redpath said,

    He does seem to sing in his stupor.
    Always the same words . . .

    “๐ŸŽถ Let’s get phyical
    I want to get physical
    Let me hear you body talk ๐ŸŽถ
    I want to get animal
    with your furry mammal
    I’m a tried and convicted
    sex criminal you can handle ๐ŸŽถ”

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      No doubt trying to get people to rub him all over as he sings, “Grease is the word…” ๐ŸŽถ

      • David Redpath said,

        Uncle Ernie does like some grease
        rubbed down his “Frankie Valli”
        whilst playing Vivaldi’s 4 Seasons
        on his Ernievarius … and having
        a good fiddle about ๐ŸŽป ๐ŸŽถ ๐Ÿ†

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        I once heard years ago about a Santa being arrested on top of a house for performing a publicly indecent act next to a chimney.

        That must have been Uncle Ernie as the newspaper headline read FIDDLER ON THE ROOF. ๐ŸŽป๐ŸŽ…๐Ÿป๐ŸŒ

      • David Redpath said,

        Yes. He was playing I’m Dreaming
        of a White Christmas, one handed,
        on his Ernievarius. Apparently he
        made quite a mess as he came
        down the chimney ๐ŸŽ ๐ŸŽ…

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        As someone sang, “Santa baby, you’re coming down the chimney tonight…” ๐ŸŽ…๐Ÿปโ˜ƒ๐Ÿ’ฎ๐Ÿคถ๐Ÿป

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