Donald Trump and The Tobacco Chewing Man

November 13, 2019 at 11:47 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Donald Trump and The Tobacco Chewing Man

Donald Trump was sitting at his desk in the Oval Office and wondering who this Voldemort guy was that some writer called J.K. Rowling just compared him to.

In walked a man in a long raincoat and hat and who was busy chewing tobacco.

The man spit the tobacco into Trump’s garbage can and then stuck another piece of chewing tobacco in his mouth.

“Who the Hell are you?” Trump asked.

“I’m the deep state operative they call the Tobacco Chewing Man,” the tobacco chewing man replied.

“How the Hell did you get a name like Tobacco Chewing Man?” Trump inquired as the deep state operative spit chewing tobacco into the Donald’s gold coloured toupee.

“Well remember that deep state operative on that ’90s TV show The X-Files they called the Cigarette Smoking Man?” The operative took another wad of chewing tobacco and put it in his mouth, “That inspired my colleagues to call me the Tobacco Chewing Man.”

“Deep state operative eh?” Trump was suspicious, “Are you one of those trying to overthrow me?”.

“I’ve got better things to do with my time,” the deep state operative spit chewing tobacco all over Trump’s Rolex watch.

“Such as?” Trump inquired.

“Bringing the entire world under U.S. domination,” the Tobacco Chewing Man answered.

“You sound like my type of guy,” Trump smiled as his smart phone started playing the melody to Deutschland Deutschland Uber Alles as it rang.

Trump ignored the call.

“So what have you been up to?” Trump asked.

“I’ve been supporting rioters in Hong Kong and rioters everywhere else in the world,” the Tobacco Chewing Man spit tobacco all over Trump’s smart phone.

“Is this a good thing as far as the United States is concerned?” Trump asked.

“It is,” the Tobacco Chewing Man nodded.

“That’s good to know,” Trump wiped the tobacco off his smart phone.

The deep state operative then spoke, “I think we can steal a piece of territory from Canada.”

“We can?” Trump was curious.

“Yes, Yves-Francois Blanchet the leader of the separatist Bloc Québécois in the Canadian Federal Parliament today met with Canada’s Prime Minister Justin Trudeau,” the Tobacco Chewing Man switched over to chewing gum since his doctor was concerned about his overuse of tobacco products, “and according to the Canadian news media, both men found they had a lot in common in their political beliefs.”

“How does this concern the United States?” Trump moved over his pen and pencil stand that was Made In China.

“Blanchet says he doesn’t support making Alberta and Western Canada feel more at home in the Canadian Federation or giving them more power,” said the Tobacco Chewing Man.

“That would have probably gone over like a lead balloon in the province of Alberta,” Trump noted in a rare intelligent observation on his part.

“Exactly,” the Tobacco Chewing Man smiled, “Alberta Premier Jason Kenney noted that the province of Quebec doesn’t mind taking billions of dollars in equalization payments from Alberta’s oil coffers so they can fund their secularist Jacobin French Revolutionary state that stomps on the rights of Muslims and Christians alike but they won’t lift a finger to help Alberta overcome its current economic malaise.”

“Sounds like a recipe for disaster,” Trump admitted.

“There was a growing call for Alberta independence in the wake of last month’s Canadian Federal election which saw Justin Trudeau returned to power,” the Tobacco Chewing Man explained, “I say we infiltrate that movement and get them to join the U.S. instead. Then we’ll definitely have a major supply of the world’s oil with the Athabasca oil sands now being on American soil.”

“That sounds like a brilliant idea,” Trump admitted.

“Of course it is,” the Tobacco Chewing Man smiled, “I was the man who came up with it.”

“I wonder why Melania gave Justin Trudeau such a smile and a glint in her eye the night they said good-bye at the G-7 Summit,” Trump mused aloud.

“Maybe because he was banging her the night before,” said the Tobacco Chewing Man.

“What?” Trump’s face turned fiery red.

“Deep state operatives spotted a man with white arms but black face and wearing a turban and singing Al Jolson minstrel songs entering Melania’s bedroom the night before,” the Tobacco Chewing Man noted.

“Fuck!” Trump pounded his desk angrily.

The Tobacco Chewing Man smiled.

He had Trump where he wanted him.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday November 13th


  1. David Redpath said,

    Sounds like Justin Trudeau was in
    a deep state of Melania Trump 🤔

  2. David Redpath said,

    With Trump, it pays to blow the whistle.
    Just ask Stormy Daniels 📯🙄

  3. Jessica said,

    J.k compared him to Voldemort? Haha 😀 But you have me when Tobacco Chewing Man introduced himself.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Yes, J.K. Rowling compared Donald Trump to Voldemort. 😂

      Glad you liked the way the Tobacco Chewing Man introduced himself by spiting chewing tobacco into Donald Trump’s toupee. 😀

  4. Hyperion said,

    Excellent chapter Chris, I think Tobacco Chewing Man will be a big hit. Love his plan for annexing Western Canada. Then, I can visit anytime I want to and don’t have to have a passport.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Thanks, Daniel. 🙂

      Yes, the Tobacco Chewing Man will probably become very popular.

      And his proposed annexation will be ideal for your travel plans. 😀

      • Hyperion said,

        I’m looking forward to it 😁

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        You’ll enjoy hiking around Lake Louise. 😀

      • Hyperion said,

        Yes indeedy, and perhaps Alaska will finally be part of the contiguous United States.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Only if northern British Columbia decides to join Alberta and Saskatchewan in becoming part of the Tobacco Chewing Man’s annexation plot.

        The tree-hugging potheads of Vancouver Island and lower mainland British Columbia are like the Québécois.

        “Useful idiots” for the current totalitarian ideology of “man-made CO2 emissions are the cause of current severe climate change” and thus resolutely opposed to Alberta building more oil pipelines.

      • Hyperion said,

        Silly people, don’t they know that pipeline building brings millions of dollars in pollution clean up funds where everybody can get paid to siphon up the oil ponds that grow around the pipeline. It’s good for the local economy.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        They are apparently unaware of this. 😂

      • Hyperion said,

        They just don’t teach the necessary reasoning skills in Kindergarten anymore and children grow up to be young Antifa adults completely clueless about the world and themselves. Thankfully, they can play a videogame better than real life and at least that keeps the gaming industry alive and well.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        For which the gaming industry is very thankful.

      • Hyperion said,

        Yes, at least someone is making money off of the wasted crop of youth.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        They and the friendly neighbourhood drug dealers (North American subsidiaries of global conglomerates based in Mexico and Colombia who slaughter innocents by the thousands in their own home countries while helping to ensure North American youth inject poison in their veins).

      • Hyperion said,

        Yes, sadly. That too.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes, very sad.

  5. George F. said,

    Excellent! BTW, I got hacked! (NSA?) and will be putting up a new post after I get my new computer…after next week. Been missing both my WordPress blogging friends and activity on FB! (Yeah, the hack was a total meltdown…got into the DOS operating system…) Thank Goodness all my blogging files were backed up on a flash drive!! OMG! Now I’ll triple back up the files! And leave my posts up forever…it never occurred to me that WP can act like “permanent storage”…

  6. J.R. Watkins said,

    In fairness to Justin Trudeau…he only went in black face because he thought it would make his penis bigger, and he thought Melania would prefer it because Trump has such small hands.

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