Renfield, The Tobacco Chewing Man and Sheriff Stonedwall Jackman

November 15, 2019 at 11:53 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Renfield, The Tobacco Chewing Man and Sheriff Stonedwall Jackman

British MP Renfield R. Renfield was sitting by the fireplace in a very comfortable sitting room in a lovely Bed and Breakfast place in the town of Tewkesbury.

He was sitting in an armchair, smoking a pipe, wearing a deerstalker cap and enjoying a glass of brandy.

“And how did your day on the campaign trail go today?” A cigar smoking and brandy drinking ghost of Sir Winston Churchill asked Renfield as he sat in the armchair across from him.

“Elementary, my dear Churchill,” Renfield remarked as he relit his pipe, “I visited a school and handed out milk and cookies to all the kids and took selfies with the teachers, parents and staff.”

“Are you still keeping track of geopolitics and international affairs as you go about seeking re-election?” Orson Welles’ enormously talented ghost took up most of the sofa as he smoked a cigar and drank a glass of red wine while sitting across from the fireplace.

“I am,” Renfield nodded, “I’ve discovered that there’s a U.S. deep state operative called the Tobacco Chewing Man who wants to annex a whole bunch of territory all over the world for the U.S.A. He wants to infiltrate the Alberta and Saskatchewan Western Canada independence movement and get them to join the U.S. He’s formed an alliance with the Lovecraftian Great Old One Cthulhu to annex Hong Kong and turn it into a U.S. territory with Cthulhu becoming the first state governor. They’re behind the most violent of the student rioters in Hong Kong. The Tobacco Chewing Man actually documented all his plans for U.S. annexation and world domination after he spent a year in jail following an unsuccessful beer hall putsch in Portland, Oregon. The book he wrote (while undergoing a severe bout of gout from overindulgence in eating roast beef and sirloin steak in a federal government run prison) he called Mein Kramp.”

. . .

Sheriff Stonedwall Jackman the Sheriff of the mysterious Aquarian Age hippy commune of Calypso’s Bosom on British Columbia’s Sechelt Peninsula (a mystical village that emerged from its marijuana pot smoking mists only once every 7 years) was down in the Arizona desert.

As he inhaled his Uncle Ernie’s Chemical of The Day that was mailed to him daily from Australia, he tried to remember what he was doing down in the Arizona desert.

Vultures flew over him and waited for him to die.

They’d have a long time to wait, Jackman thought to himself as he wiped the sweat off his forehead and helped himself to another bottle of Perrier Water from his golf cart.

His mule Saratoga moved on dragging the golf cart behind her.

It was then that Sheriff Stonedwall Jackman spotted a cactus.

Then it all came back to him now like Celine Dion in the middle of singing a hit song.

He was supposed to find a nice looking cactus plant for Canada’s Prime Minister Justin Trudeau.

That was his mission.

“A mission of vital national security,” as the Canadian Prime Minister put it to him in the Prime Minister’s Office on Parliament Hill in Ottawa.

“This is a nice looking cactus plant,” Jackman thought to himself.

He went over and cut off a slice of the cactus plant and put it in a planting pot on the golf cart (the planting pot had apparently been blessed by both Pope Francis and U2 singer Bono).

“Ouch!” Jackman suddenly exclaimed as the sensation of picking up the cactus slice in his bare hands suddenly reached the pain centers in his brain after the temporary delay caused by Uncle Ernie’s Chemicals of the Day.

He really should have worn gloves.

“That was a sacred cactus you cut off a part of,” a Hopi tribal elder approached him, “I hope you know what you’re doing.”

“I don’t,” said Jackman, “but thanks for letting me know.”

A U.S. Post Office Letter carrier who looked a lot like U.S. Postal Employee Norman Newman on the TV show Seinfeld approached the pair.

“Excuse me,” the vastly overweight and vastly sweating letter carrier said to them, “But I hope one of you gentlemen is Sheriff Stonedwall Jackman of Calypso’s Bosom.”

“I am,” Sheriff Jackman answered.

“Thank God,” the Newman lookalike wiped off all the sweat covering his body with his towel, “because I have a registered parcel for you from Uncle Ernie’s Chemical of The Day Club in the Australian Outback. Sign here please.”

Sheriff Jackman signed the form and took the parcel.

The vultures followed the letter carrier as he trudged off across the Arizona desert.

Meanwhile a Government of Canada jet landed nearby to pick up Sheriff Stonedwall Jackman and the slice of cactus plant.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday November 15th
2019.


One of the mirages that the Norman Newman lookalike U.S. Post Office letter carrier saw while trudging across the Arizona desert

8 Comments

  1. Jessica said,

    I have no idea how, but you always manage to make me fall in love with the most unlikely characters. πŸ˜‚ The sacred cactus and pot smoking should hold a wedding. πŸ˜‚

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Yes, Jessica, they should hold a wedding. πŸŒ΅πŸ§–πŸ»β€β™€πŸ§–πŸ»β€β™€πŸ‘°πŸ»πŸ‘°πŸ»πŸ˜‚

      • Jessica said,

        That I’d love to attend πŸ˜€

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        I’ll get them to send you an invitation. πŸ™‚

      • Jessica said,

        πŸ˜‚ I’ll come in my best outfit ❀

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Excellent. ❀

        And if you’re invited to dance with either the bride or groom at the wedding reception, remember to wear gloves on your hands. πŸ˜‚

      • Jessica said,

        I think I’ll bring an chain armor… just in case πŸ˜‚

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        LOL ! πŸ˜‚

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