The Kraken Congratulates Renfield On His Election Win
The Kraken Congratulates Renfield On His Election Win
“Congratulations,” said the Kraken
while distant snow was flakin’
He was speaking to Renfield over the phone
As Medusa rolled over with a moan
The Kraken lay in his bed
After dinner, he felt fully fed
He was giving his British friend a call
Rather than shopping at the mall.
His friend was re-elected an MP
so Kraken was quite ecstatic with glee
To Westminster he would return
And watch those EU bridges burn
“Yes,” said Renfield as he sipped his gin
And wiped crackers off his chin
“Brexit has been given thumbs up by voters
not good news for Brussels’ bureaucratic bloaters”.
“Are you back in cabinet?” The Kraken did ask
As he helped himself to a whisky flask
“Since Boris has a majority, probably not
Only Tory MPs will be given the lot,”
Renfield replied as he sipped his tea
And played Christmas cheer on his ukulele.
“Well nice talking to you, mon ami,”
The Kraken said with sincerity,
“But now I must go and take a bath
With 8 underarms to wash, I know my math.”
-A poem and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday December 14th
2019.
Dracul Van Helsing 
Jessica said,
December 15, 2019 at 9:31 am
I felt like my head got twisted up and down while reading. I was unprepared to read a poem. “It’s rhymes like a poem” I thought but another part of my head refused to let me read it as a poem. Crazy Hahaha 😀
Love the poem Christopher ❤
Dracul Van Helsing said,
December 15, 2019 at 5:44 pm
Thanks very much, Jessica. 🙂
Glad you loved the poem. ❤
Judy Kim said,
December 15, 2019 at 1:10 pm
Your poems are awesome, I like the ukelele detail especially. 😊
Dracul Van Helsing said,
December 15, 2019 at 5:46 pm
Thank you, Judy. ☺
My line about the ukulele was my favourite as well. 😀
annieasksyou said,
December 15, 2019 at 8:37 pm
Fun! I liked the uke too, but the Kraken’s washing eight underarms was ROTFL.
Dracul Van Helsing said,
December 15, 2019 at 8:55 pm
Glad the Kraken’s washing eight underarms inspired ROTFL laughter, Annie. 😂
Dawn Renee said,
December 17, 2019 at 11:52 am
awesome
Dracul Van Helsing said,
December 17, 2019 at 12:52 pm
Thanks, Dawn. 🙂
Dawn Renee said,
December 17, 2019 at 11:58 am
aw man… i just looked up in the comments. Judy used the perfect adjective first. awesome retracted, inject equivalent stupendous.
Dracul Van Helsing said,
December 17, 2019 at 12:54 pm
Thank you, Dawn.
Glad to hear that my poems are awesome and stupendous. 😊
David Redpath said,
December 17, 2019 at 4:45 pm
🎶Jangle Brussels, Jangle Brussels,
that bureaucratic jungle, all the way.
Oh what fun it is to ride
a Boris Brexit open sleigh.🎶
Dracul Van Helsing said,
December 17, 2019 at 8:21 pm
Great tune and jangle there, David. 🎶🎵👍🏻
Could be the UK’s Number One Hit Single for Christmas Day.
If you win, you can play it in the nude wearing only a guitar on television on Christmas Eve like Bill Nighy’s character of Billy Mack did when he won the UK Christmas Hit Single title in the movie Love Actually.
By the way, was Uncle Ernie writer and director Richard Curtis’ inspiration for the character of Billy Mack?
David Redpath said,
December 17, 2019 at 8:45 pm
Well actually, now that you mention
it Chris, Uncle Ernie was squatting
around Earls Court at the time
(having been evicted from Notting
Hill), and claims that he co-wrote
the screenplay with Richard Curtis.
As such, he felt entitled to hang around
the movie set, until Keira Knightley
had a restraining order taken out
against him. Uncle Ernie claims it was
just a big misunderstanding, since
all he wanted to do was show younf
Thomas Brodie-Sangster some of his
sock puppet 👻 So poor Uncle Ernie
ended up writing his own screenplay,
‘Glove Actually’. Apparently it’s more
about the injustices of the British
legal system. He wanted Joe Pesci
to play the role of a sadly misunderstood,
vagrant, drug addled “rock spider from
Mars”. All based on Uncle Ernie’s real
life experiences, of course.
Dracul Van Helsing said,
December 17, 2019 at 9:11 pm
How sad for movie goers everywhere that Uncle Ernie’s “Glove Actually” was never produced.
Judging from the title, it might give Harvey Weinstein an idea of what to expect in those body cavity searches should he actually do time for his own movie making escapades.
David Redpath said,
December 17, 2019 at 9:16 pm
Now that you mention it, Chris 😎
Uncle Ernie told me that the walking
frame, Harvey Weinstein now uses
to shuffle in and out of his court
appearances, is full of ‘The Uncles
Hard Time Hollywood Happy Pills’.
Ernie apparently worked out a
distribution deal with Weinstein,
“whilst the swine is doing time.”.
Dracul Van Helsing said,
December 17, 2019 at 11:47 pm
I see Weinstein will be taking the “high” road while doing time. 😎
David Redpath said,
December 17, 2019 at 11:55 pm
As Uncle Ernie always takes
the low road. No doubt he’ll be
on death row before Harvey.
Dracul Van Helsing said,
December 18, 2019 at 12:08 am
They’ll never flash again on the bonnie bonnie banks of Loch Lomond.
David Redpath said,
December 17, 2019 at 9:21 pm
Apparently Martin Scorsese was
considering making *Glove Actually’
on the condition that Joe Pesci
agreed to play the role of Uncle Ernie.
But Robert De Nero said no, because
the script was so unsanitary.
Dracul Van Helsing said,
December 17, 2019 at 11:51 pm
A classic might have been.
David Redpath said,
December 18, 2019 at 12:26 am
Where the broken heart
knows no second spring.
After Havey’s predatory
and very sleazy fiddling.
Dracul Van Helsing said,
December 18, 2019 at 12:42 am
Where in purple hue, kilted testicles we view
And Ernie’s moon shinin’ out from the gloamin’
David Redpath said,
December 18, 2019 at 12:46 am
Uncle Ernie is always ready for a
highland fling with a caber toss 🥖
Dracul Van Helsing said,
December 18, 2019 at 1:09 am
As well as a highland fling with a bonnie lass
provided he can find one that doesn’t immediately report him to the local constabulary.
David Redpath said,
December 18, 2019 at 1:39 am
A lad or lassie, as long as they’re
wearing a kilt, Uncle Ernie ain’t fussy.
Dracul Van Helsing said,
December 18, 2019 at 1:48 am
Because bi and bi, he’s a shameless hussy.