The Kraken Congratulates Renfield On His Election Win

December 14, 2019 at 11:25 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, News, Poetry, Politics, Vampire novel) (, )

The Kraken Congratulates Renfield On His Election Win

“Congratulations,” said the Kraken
while distant snow was flakin’ 
He was speaking to Renfield over the phone
As Medusa rolled over with a moan

The Kraken lay in his bed
After dinner, he felt fully fed
He was giving his British friend a call
Rather than shopping at the mall.

His friend was re-elected an MP
so Kraken was quite ecstatic with glee 
To Westminster he would return 
And watch those EU bridges burn 

“Yes,” said Renfield as he sipped his gin
And wiped crackers off his chin
“Brexit has been given thumbs up by voters
not good news for Brussels’ bureaucratic bloaters”.

“Are you back in cabinet?” The Kraken did ask
As he helped himself to a whisky flask
“Since Boris has a majority, probably not
Only Tory MPs will be given the lot,”
Renfield replied as he sipped his tea
And played Christmas cheer on his ukulele.

“Well nice talking to you, mon ami,”
The Kraken said with sincerity,
“But now I must go and take a bath
With 8 underarms to wash, I know my math.”

-A poem and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday December 14th


  1. Jessica said,

    I felt like my head got twisted up and down while reading. I was unprepared to read a poem. “It’s rhymes like a poem” I thought but another part of my head refused to let me read it as a poem. Crazy Hahaha 😀
    Love the poem Christopher ❤

  2. Judy Kim said,

    Your poems are awesome, I like the ukelele detail especially. 😊

  3. annieasksyou said,

    Fun! I liked the uke too, but the Kraken’s washing eight underarms was ROTFL.

  4. Dawn Renee said,


  5. Dawn Renee said,

    aw man… i just looked up in the comments. Judy used the perfect adjective first. awesome retracted, inject equivalent stupendous.

  6. David Redpath said,

    🎶Jangle Brussels, Jangle Brussels,
    that bureaucratic jungle, all the way.
    Oh what fun it is to ride
    a Boris Brexit open sleigh.🎶

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Great tune and jangle there, David. 🎶🎵👍🏻

      Could be the UK’s Number One Hit Single for Christmas Day.

      If you win, you can play it in the nude wearing only a guitar on television on Christmas Eve like Bill Nighy’s character of Billy Mack did when he won the UK Christmas Hit Single title in the movie Love Actually.

      By the way, was Uncle Ernie writer and director Richard Curtis’ inspiration for the character of Billy Mack?

      • David Redpath said,

        Well actually, now that you mention
        it Chris, Uncle Ernie was squatting
        around Earls Court at the time
        (having been evicted from Notting
        Hill), and claims that he co-wrote
        the screenplay with Richard Curtis.
        As such, he felt entitled to hang around
        the movie set, until Keira Knightley
        had a restraining order taken out
        against him. Uncle Ernie claims it was
        just a big misunderstanding, since
        all he wanted to do was show younf
        Thomas Brodie-Sangster some of his
        sock puppet 👻 So poor Uncle Ernie
        ended up writing his own screenplay,
        ‘Glove Actually’. Apparently it’s more
        about the injustices of the British
        legal system. He wanted Joe Pesci
        to play the role of a sadly misunderstood,
        vagrant, drug addled “rock spider from
        Mars”. All based on Uncle Ernie’s real
        life experiences, of course.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        How sad for movie goers everywhere that Uncle Ernie’s “Glove Actually” was never produced.

        Judging from the title, it might give Harvey Weinstein an idea of what to expect in those body cavity searches should he actually do time for his own movie making escapades.

      • David Redpath said,

        Now that you mention it, Chris 😎
        Uncle Ernie told me that the walking
        frame, Harvey Weinstein now uses
        to shuffle in and out of his court
        appearances, is full of ‘The Uncles
        Hard Time Hollywood Happy Pills’.
        Ernie apparently worked out a
        distribution deal with Weinstein,
        “whilst the swine is doing time.”.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        I see Weinstein will be taking the “high” road while doing time. 😎

      • David Redpath said,

        As Uncle Ernie always takes
        the low road. No doubt he’ll be
        on death row before Harvey.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        They’ll never flash again on the bonnie bonnie banks of Loch Lomond.

      • David Redpath said,

        Apparently Martin Scorsese was
        considering making *Glove Actually’
        on the condition that Joe Pesci
        agreed to play the role of Uncle Ernie.
        But Robert De Nero said no, because
        the script was so unsanitary.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        A classic might have been.

  7. David Redpath said,

    Where the broken heart
    knows no second spring.
    After Havey’s predatory
    and very sleazy fiddling.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Where in purple hue, kilted testicles we view
      And Ernie’s moon shinin’ out from the gloamin’

      • David Redpath said,

        Uncle Ernie is always ready for a
        highland fling with a caber toss 🥖

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        As well as a highland fling with a bonnie lass
        provided he can find one that doesn’t immediately report him to the local constabulary.

  8. David Redpath said,

    A lad or lassie, as long as they’re
    wearing a kilt, Uncle Ernie ain’t fussy.

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