Pan Goatee, Krampus and The 200th Anniversary of King George III’s Death

January 29, 2020 at 11:58 pm (Aesthetics, Culture, History, International Intrigue, Literature, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee, Krampus and The 200th Anniversary of King George III’s Death

Pan Goatee was enjoying an egg salad sub sandwich that he had bought from the Subway in the local shopping mall food court.

When he had finished the sandwich, he was going to buy himself a dozen Subway cookies for $6.

Just then an ugly looking female member of the ISIS Islamic State went up to the Subway with her detonation belt.

Goatee quickly beheaded the ugly looking creature before she could do any damage.

Although she had already caused a great deal of damage to the aesthetic environment with her ugliness.

Goatee then cut her up into 999 trillion pieces with his astral laser machete.

Rats recently released from the 1971 American horror film Willard in a repertory theatre then ate the ugly looking female suicide bomber.

They then vomited in nearby washrooms.

Goatee received a text message from the demon goat Krampus.

Krampus told Goatee that he had recently developed an allergy to the musical melody of the Johann Strauss waltz The Blue Danube whenever it was played.

“Wow, what a bummer,” Goatee stated sympathetically.

. . .

Today was the 200th Anniversary of King George III’s death.

And as such, Hades the god of the Underworld had granted the ghost of King George III a temporary dispensation to leave the Underworld.

As Cerberus was busy licking up the salt remains of Lot’s wife at the entrance/exit to the Underworld, the English poets Robert Southey and Lord Byron both stood there weeping at the cave of Hades/Sheol as they watched the late King George III of England leave (albeit only for a day).

Southey and Byron were not weeping over the late George III’s temporary absence but over the fact that both poets were wrong over their respective visions of judgment of King George III’s soul.

For George III had not entered heaven according to either man’s poetic thesis but was rather still currently spending a lot more time in Purgatory than either poet imagined (since neither Southey nor Byron had believed in Purgatory in their mortal lives).

The only people who were more upset than Southey or Byron at George III leaving Purgatory were the Puritan founders of America (who were mainly upset by the fact that Purgatory existed).

Hades and Persephone, after consultation with various devils and fallen angels, had come to the conclusion that the greatest Purgatorial punishment for the Puritans was for the ghost of Hamlet’s father King Hamlet of Denmark to drop by on a daily basis (as they were roasting away on their barbecue spits) and bang his staff (borrowed from Tolkien’s Middle Earth hero Gandalf) and announce to them, “The Bard was right. The Bard was right.”ย 

He would then break into his speech that he had once delivered to young Hamlet,

“I am thy father’s spirit,
Doomed for a certain term to walk the night
And for the day confined to fast in fires,
Till the foul crimes done in my days of natureย 
Are burnt and purged away.”

And then as ever on a daily basis, Oliver Cromwell was cut up and put into an Irish shepherd’s pie and roasted in the oven.

Only to be repeated the next day.

George III spent his 200th deathday watching the impeachment trial of Donald Trump in the U.S. Senate while sitting next to U.S. Chief Justice John Roberts in the Senate chamber.

“So, this is what Washington and Jefferson and Ben Franklin’s project has come to,” George III laughed as he drank his now tax free ghostly tea rescued from the bottom of Boston Harbour.

As for Ben Franklin and his friend the English aristocratic rake Sir Francis Dashwood, they no longer found the terms “Members of the Hellfire Club” so funny anymore.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday January 29th


  1. George F. said,

    Gotta love Pan Goatee and those beheadings and how those rats seem to show up at the right time. Speaking of rats, If I had written that my character Paul had commanded the Chinese to eat live rats and bats it would have been non sequitur fiction indeed and rather random. However, this is exactly what’s started the Coronavirus which will probably play out like a bad horror movie, with Trump building the wall around China instead of Mexico. Just another example of truth being much, much stranger than fiction. Which is why I love Pan Goatee!!

    • Judy Kim said,

      I think the corona virus was probably created in a lab where they experimented with rats or bats or whatever ๐Ÿฅบ and they shipped it out to Wuhan to be the scapegoat because it supports the notion that those Chinese peasants are such dirty vermin eh? Same way they blamed AIDS on the gays…just sayin.

      • George F. said,


      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        The BBC did a story yesterday on racist attacks on Asians in France as a result of coronavirus fears, Judy.

        Then a Canadian newspaper had a racist stereotyoe editorial cartoon showing a Chinese New Year red envelope for the Year of The Rat with the coronavirus emerging from the envelope.

        Then my brainless roommate (the one who hogs the house communal television all the time) says in all seriousness the solution for ending the coronavius is to nuke mainland China.

      • Judy Kim said,

        Exactly! Racists will take every opportunity to be assholes! I think itโ€™s suspicious, the Chinese markets have been doing the same procedures whether unsanitary or not, and no corona virus until now. There was even a predictive programming film starring Gwyneth Paltrow years ago that blamed a deadly virus on the unsanitary conditions in a restaurant in China. It was very racist.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        I haven’t seen that Gwyneth Paltrow film.

        Of course I didn’t watch much movies in the 2010s save when I had an apartment in Vancouver and then it was usually watching old time classic movies (usually made before 1960) on the TCM channel.

        I think the only movies I saw in theatres during that whole decade were the Kenneth Branaugh directed version of Cinderella, a movie about Vlad the Impaler becoming Dracula (which I think I remember was made in 2014) and then the Wonder Woman movie with Gal Gadot that was set in the time period of the First World War (which was a very interesting historical epoch).

        But I have read articles about predictive programming in movies and also episodes of The Simpsons.

      • Judy Kim said,

        The Paltrow film was called Contagion, it was pretty awful, panic inducing-racist propaganda released in Sept 2011=911. Theyโ€™re so obvious with the numerology hints.
        I liked the Cinderella, (Branaugh version) though it was very sweet. Iโ€™m on the fence about Gal Godot as Wonder Woman, itโ€™s not by accident that sheโ€™s is of Jewish heritage, wealthy enough to escape the nazis and Wonder Woman fights the nazis. Sheโ€™s gorgeous but I donโ€™t like feeling manipulated by Hollywood. Iโ€™m planning on writing a post about her upcoming WW part 2, (I almost wrote WW2 as an abbreviation!) hmmm…

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes, the clips I’ve seen of the WWII film, I haven’t been too impressed.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      I alway wondered, George, why none of the media has shown a person infected with the coronavirus.

      Then a small independent news network that I watch on YouTube did.

      It was a video showing a person covered head to toe in blankets so you couldn’t see their face or gender.

      And the convulsions the body was undergoing looked to be out of this world.

      It looked more frightening than the most frightening scene in any horror movie.

      It’s no wonder the big mainstream media aren’t showing videos like that.

      They might have a point.

      Most people would totally freak out if they saw it.

      • George F. said,

        …and your post, and this case. in fact, inspired a bit of my most recent post…just up. Stop by and see what happened to the mouse. And yeah, the Zombie apocalypse may have arrived…

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        No wonder, scientists have moved the Doomsday clock so close to midnight.

      • George F. said,

        It seems we’re just a tick away from annihilation.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        As a tick (the insect) bites into Donald Trump’s testicles just when his finger is softly resting on the nuclear button.

      • George F. said,


      • Dracul Van Helsing said,


  2. KomalMeansDelicate said,

    This is very well written!

  3. Judy Kim said,

    I loved this post, Christopher, hilariously clever as usual! Lots wife mention was perfect! ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Thank you very much, Judy. ๐Ÿ™‚๐Ÿ˜€

      Glad you enjoyed the mention of Lot’s wife. ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿคฃ

      • Judy Kim said,

        Youโ€™re welcome, Christopher. I thought the whole post was hilarious๐Ÿ™‚

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        That is great to hear. ๐Ÿ˜€

  4. KRITIKA said,

    Could not stop laughing. This is a fun read. Enjoyed it. ๐Ÿ˜„

  5. Jessica said,

    Skipping this one. Too annoyed of reading Pan Goatee in the first few lines ๐Ÿ˜€

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      I’ll mark you down as a non- Pan Goatee fan, Jessica. ๐Ÿ˜€

      • Jessica said,

        Yes, I’d rather see Van Helsing romancing his goddesses than having Pan Goatee smiling at me.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Although Pan Goatee smiling at you is a good thing.

        It’s when he’s scowling, you have to start worrying about your head becoming detached from the rest of you. ๐Ÿค•

      • Jessica said,

        ๐Ÿ˜ฐ You really know how to spin my head. I actually held on my neck for a second ๐Ÿ˜‚ Still, I don’t want him liking me. ๐Ÿ˜›

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Pan Goatee’s kindergarten teacher will have to keep him in after class and write 200 times on the blackboard “I must not like Jessica. I must not like Jessica. I must not like Jessica….” ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿคฃ

      • Jessica said,

        ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚ Just the comment I needed to brighten up my day! But now I feel like a bully ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        LOL !

  6. David Redpath said,

    Meanwhile, at the Cambridge
    University Glutton Club, during
    one of their regular banquets
    dining up rare and endangered

    species, Charles Darwin raised
    his glass and commenced a toast,
    … “Be not deceived; God is not
    mocked: for whatsoever a man
    soweth, that shall he also reap.””
    His fellow Gluttons were shocked.
    Wasn’t Darwin their athiest darling
    who would bring them new exotic
    creatures for them to be devouring?
    Charles was soon sent to purgation.

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