Pan Goatee, Krampus and The Demon Buffalo Headed Metal Rat

January 30, 2020 at 11:09 pm (Aesthetics, Avatar Speaks, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Science-Fiction, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Pan Goatee, Krampus and The Demon Buffalo Headed Metal Rat

The genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee was at a nearby shopping centre.

He had just finished buying several cans of Diet Coca-Cola from the Dollar Store so he could feed his caffeine addiction.

Outside the dollar store, he noticed an ugly looking woman with her stupid looking boyfriend so he beheaded both of them and cut both of them up into 999 trillion pieces each.

Rats soon arrived on the scene and ate the very recently departed pair.

A rodent patrol business operator arrived on the scene and remarked, “Business has never been as brisk as it has been the past week.”

Goatee entered the mall’s food court where another ugly looking woman and her stupid looking boyfriend were leaving the scene of their aesthetic and IQ insulting crimes against humanity.

The satyr quickly beheaded and dismembered them (likewise into 999 trillion pieces each) with his astral laser machete.

A Darth Vader wannabe and pen ultimate Star Wars science-fiction fan (who so far had spent the 1st 35 years of his life living downstairs in his parents’ basement and still didn’t know what a shower was used for) said to himself, “I want to get me one of those” as he looked through the window of the mall’s food court.

Rats likewise came over and ate the aesthetic and IQ challenged deceased couple’s multitudinous remains.

When Goatee went to the Subway sandwich counter, a stupid looking individual stood there at the counter and was taking forever to make up his mind (or whatever little there was of it) to decide what he wanted.

Goatee decided for the individual by beheading him and dismembering him according to the satyr’s OCD pre-ordained numerical ratio.

Goatee then decided to go and make his own sandwich at home.

Rats ate the remains of the mindless loser who had gone totally to pieces at the Subway sandwich counter and then rushed to the nearest washrooms where they tossed their cookies (metaphorically speaking).

On his way out from the mall, Goatee received a phone call from his friend the demon goat Krampus (who held joint Bavarian and Austro-Hungarian citizenship although it did him little good in this global interconnected world since both the kingdom of Bavaria and the Austro-Hungarian Empire no longer existed).

Krampus remarked that within the past 24 hours, he had just developed an allergy to the melody of Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony whenever it was played.

Now, Krampus sighed, he would no longer be able to attend any events where the European Union National Anthem was played.

“What an awful week you’re having, my friend,” Goatee was sympathetic.

. . .

A giant robotic metal rat was being unveiled by Huawei Technologies for this year of the Metal Rat.

As China’s paramount leader Xi Jinping watched the Metal Rat appear, he wondered why it had the head of a demon buffalo.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday January 30th


  1. Dawn Renee said,

    Wow on many levels… one “Wow” is from the simple “astral laser machete”, the mental sound of which brings a grin, and no matter how you slice it,
    999 trillion equals a magic #

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Thank you, Dawn.

      Yes, the 999 trillion is very much a magic number no matter how thin you slice it.

  2. Anonymole said,

    Reads like a newscast from Hell.

  3. Jessica said,

    I couldn’t care less about the robotic rat. I just want to tear Goatee in pieces. Seriously, what’s his problem tearing people apart like that.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      I guess someone will have to buy you an astral laser machete for your birthday, Jessica so you can do that.

      • Jessica said,

        Oh I’ll gladly take it if it means being able to go head to head with Pan Goatee.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Just make sure you don’t try to take it through Norwegian Customs and Immigration with you. šŸ˜‚šŸ¤£

      • Jessica said,

        šŸ˜‚ True

  4. David Redpath said,

    Perhaps Krampus should apply for
    citizenship of the ever diminishing
    United Kingdom! Where the European
    Union National Anthem is becoming
    a Swan Song šŸ‡ŖšŸ‡ŗ šŸ˜Ž

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      An excellent idea, David.

      As Krampus’ father was a Cornish demon goat (and his mother was Hel the Norse goddess of Niflheim in the Underworld), perhaps he can become a citizen of Cornwall.

  5. KRITIKA said,

    Pan Goatee and his anger. haha nice read.

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