The Summoning Forth of The Beelzekraken

February 15, 2020 at 11:30 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Sorcery, The Occult, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

The Summoning Forth of The Beelzekraken 

British MP Renfield R. Renfield was being interviewed at a London radio station on the subject of a possible UK Free Trade Agreement with the U.S.

“As long as Donald Trump is the President, we’d just be leaping from the frying pan into the fire if we went ahead with this trade agreement,” Renfield stated, “not of course that we’d be better off if any of the freaks who are currently front runners for the U.S. Democratic Party nomination became President either.”

Renfield finally finished the interview with the following statement about Donald Trump, “What can we say about the man who was (Joe McCarthy’s chief legal counsel and later Mafioso mobster defending lawyer) Roy Cohn’s personal bitch and boy toy back in the 1970s? Whose mentor-protege relationship consisted of Cohn breaking Trump in (via the rear end) and showing him the ropes (in a gay BDSM sense of that expression).”

Within seconds, a very irate and profanity laced phone call was made from the White House to the Pentagon.

As Renfield left the radio station and walked down the street, he was followed by a Trotskyite anarchist agitator who was very upset by a speech that Renfield had delivered to the Canada Club in London last night.

The British MP happened to notice a £5 note lying on the ground.

As he bent over to pick it up, a drone bearing the inscription IN TRUMP WE TRUST flew right over his head.

The drone blew the Trotskyite anarchist agitator (who was walking just behind Renfield) to kingdom come.

. . .

An ugly looking female freak with pink and purple hair (that made her look even uglier) really pissed genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee off.

So he beheaded the ugly looking freak and then cut her up into 999 trillion x 999 trillion (rather than his usual just 999 trillion) pieces.

The rats recently released from a showing of the 1971 American horror film Willard could not bring themselves to eat the minuscule pieces of the revolting facially aesthetically challenged crime against humanity.

Neither could the 3 blind mice who flew a drone called Albatross 2.0

After an emergency council of all the gods and goddesses, Shiva the Destroyer arrived with his trident of destruction to totally melt and disintegrate the pieces into total non-existence so that the hideous particles would not exist in any of the multiverses.

Shiva then returned to the CERN Large Hadron Collider tunnel in Switzerland where he was being taught the Irish river dance by Irish dancer Michael Flatley.

. . .

From Lake Michigan on the shoreline of Chicago a Kraken emerged.

But this was no ordinary Kraken.

For while it had the body, tentacles and arms of an Octopus, its head was that of a giant fly.

The name of the creature was the Beelzekraken – a combination of Beelzebub (The Lord of the Flies) and a Kraken.

The unwashed ANTIFA member on the beach (who was already angry about being hit by waves from the lake) dirtied his already dirty jockstrap upon seeing the Beelzekraken.

He very much regretted having used the POSSIBLY ENGLISH LANGUAGE HIP HOP EDITION OF THE NECRONOMICON to summon the creature.

Even more so after the Beelzekraken swallowed and ate him.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday February 15th


  1. David Redpath said,

    “Aposematism is the advertising
    by an animal to potential predators
    that it is not worth attacking or
    eating. This unprofitability may
    consist of any defences which
    make the prey difficult to kill and
    eat, such as toxicity, venom, foul
    taste or smell, extreme ugliness,
    sharp spines, or aggressive nature.”

    Perhaps, when an aesthetically
    challenged crime against humanity
    has the decency to use aposematic
    hair dyes, such as pink and purple,
    to warn off the unwary, Pan Goatee
    should show some leniency? 🦛👾

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Pan Goatee is incapable of mercy and leniency.

      The Siberian Yeti DNA with which Dr. Cadbury Rocher created Pan Goatee to give him his hairy goat legs (Regular goat DNA didn’t seem to work for some reason) made him prone to the homicidal tendencies of the Siberian Yeti.

      The Siberian Yeti are a lot more fierce and psychopathic beserkers than their Himalayan Yeti counterparts (and yet it is the Himalayan Yeti who are referred to as the Abominable Snowmen).

      When Pan Goatee escaped from a Set Enterprises lorry in nothern England in early 2013 (interestingly enough at about the same time Pope Francis was elected) and began his killing spree, Dr. Cadbury Rocher decided to use the DNA of the docile and more friendly Himalayan Yeti in creating Pan Goatee’s younger brother Pan Deux to give him his hairy goat legs.

      Pan Deux wears Scottish kilts and plays Scottish bagpipes (showing off both his hairy legs and his musical skills in the process).

      Yes, it was interesting about the same time I created Pan Goatee, I came across a busker in downtown Vancouver (I was living in Vancouver at the time) who wore an outfit of Scottish kilts and played the bagpipes but he had extremely hairy legs.

      So to add to the effect, he wore a pair of shoes that looked like goats’ hooves.

      It was actually a brilliant piece of showmanship as he got a large amount of money thrown in his guitar case (which he just brought along to carry his money and not his bagpipes as his bagpipes wouldn’t have fit in it).

      Playing on the idea that instead of a pan pipe playing satyr, he was a bag pipe playing satyr.

      So seeing him, I created Pan Deux.

      Since I had been researching Yeti myths and legends at the time, I used the differences between Siberian Yeti (which I hadn’t heard of prior to my research) and Himalayan Yeti (who I had heard of prior to my research) to explain the discrepancies between the two brothers Pan Goatee and Pan Deux.

      Goatee was created with Siberian Yeti DNA and Deux was created with Himalayan Yeti DNA.

      And if you ever decide to leave the outback heat of Australia and visit the frozen northern cold of Siberia, you’ll now know the reason why you’ll never spot an ugly looking woman while travelling across that terrain.

      If the Czars had had this information available to them, they wouldn’t have sent political dissidents to Siberia.

      • David Redpath said,

        Yes. It was foolish of me to even
        contemplate the possibility of Pan
        Goatee showing any degree of
        leniency. As you’ve pointed out,
        it’s just not in his DNA.
        I encountered many bagpipe
        playing buskers when driving the
        length of Scotland. They all had
        rather hairy legs, including the
        female ones. I think it must be the
        climate 🤔
        I would like to visit Siberia one day.
        Hopefully before those North Korean
        timber workers chop down all the
        trees. An illegal operation that relies
        on the authorities turning a blind eye,
        and employing workers, in slave like
        conditions, who send their meagre
        wages back to the cash strapped
        North Korean regime.
        So, the biggest danger when hiking
        through a Siberian forest steppe may
        not be encountering a Yeti, but
        running into a Russian mafia illegal
        logging operation.

        Fire in the Amazon
        Chainsaws in Siberia
        Rainforest timber furniture
        sold at Ikea
        Palm oil plantations
        all across Asia
        I do hope the Yeti
        will still have a tree 🌲
        on which to pee
        in the foreseeable future

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Oh well, maybe if Siberia runs out of trees, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, in one of his many humanitarian missions geared towards his government being elected a seat on the UN Security Council, can drop a whole bunch of legalized Canadian cannabis on Siberia.

        At least that way the Yeti will have a pot to pee in. 🚽🚬

      • David Redpath said,

        Good thinking 💡
        So, Canadian legalised cannabis
        must be good shit (as they say on
        the street), because it’s not criminal😎

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        It must be.

        Maybe they should let Uncle Ernie take part in a taste test between Canadian cannabis and Tiajuana gold.

      • David Redpath said,

        Uncle Ernie has got his hands full
        at the moment. He’s started a new
        business selling narcotic infused
        face masks in Hong Kong. And
        thanks to a fleet of drones he was
        so generously given by the Pentagon
        (after that General Soleimani incident),
        Uncle Ernie is able to deliver anywhere.
        Even to cruise liners at sea, and in
        quarantine. It’s an Uncle Ernie
        Narcotic Pandemic! I really think
        he’s on a winner this time 👍

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        For Uncle Ernie, the roads are indeed paved with (cannabis) gold. 🤑

  2. Jessica said,

    I sigh at anything Renfield says. I wish to meet him haha 😀
    Trotskyite anarchist got the karma he deserves 😂
    That new Kraken looks horrible! 😱

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      I’ll have to let Renfield know that the next time you visit London, you want to meet him. 🙂

      Yes, the Trotskyite anarchist got bit in the butt by karma as he was hit in the front by a drone. 😂

      Yes, the Beelzekraken is a horrible creature indeed. 😱

      He’d probably win the U.S. Democratic Party Presidential nomination if he ran.

      • Jessica said,

        Yes! I’ll make sure to bring pen and paper for him to sign haha 😀

        I see what you did there! Demon-cratic 😂

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes, Demon-cratic indeed, Jessica. 😂

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