Renfield, Two Popes, An Epidemic and American Politics

March 6, 2020 at 11:28 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Renfield, Two Popes, An Epidemic and American Politics

“For those people who always wondered what it was like to live in the 14th Century, you’re about to find out. We’ve got two living Popes (one of whom is most likely an Antipope) and a mass epidemic going on.”

-Renfield R. Renfield MP

British MP Renfield R. Renfield was once again being interviewed on a British news program.

BBC Interviewer: So going across the Pond (a goldfish leapt from one pond to another directly behind the interviewer) and taking a look at U.S. politics, what is your take on the past week?

Renfield: Well it appears that most of the Democratic Party establishment has come to the conclusion that the only candidate who can defeat Donald Trump is senile Joe Biden. The Centre For Disease Control in Atlanta should really start examining the possibility that Joe Biden’s senility is contagious as it seems to have spread to the rest of the Democratic Party.

Interviewer (clearing his throat): What about the claim now being made that America is not yet ready for a female President? As the three leading contenders for President all seem to be white straight males in their 70s?

Renfield: Yes, every asshole and his shit licking dog seems to be making the claim that America is not yet ready for a female President and are whining and snivelling about it on social media whether it’s their blog posts, Twitter or Facebook. With the exception of Rep. Tulsi Gabbard of Hawaii, every woman who ran for the Democratic Party nomination this time around isn’t really worth writing home about. Never mind electing them President.

Interviewer: So you’re saying that most of the women candidates who were running for President this year just aren’t worth it?

Renfield: Brilliant deduction as my friend the ghost of Sherlock Holmes would say. There’s a new American TV show out called Tommy whose premise is about the first woman to be appointed Chief of the Los Angeles Police Force. In one of the trailer commercials for the episode, Chief Tommy tells an associate, “If I don’t do my job exceptionally well , it will be another 30 years before another woman is named Chief of Police for LA.” If any of the bimbos running for President (Tulsi Gabbard is the only woman candidate who isn’t a bimbo) had won the Presidency this year, it would have been another 60 years before another woman is elected President of the U.S. And if a certain spirit cooking witch and sampler of Roman Polanski and Jeffrey Epstein style pizza toppings had been elected President in 2016, it would have been another 200 years before another woman was elected President of the United States. That is if she hadn’t destroyed the planet in an exchange of nuclear weapons with Russia’s Vladimir Putin first. Which is probably what would have happened if the Trump Failed To Lock Her Up Witch had won the 2016 election.

Interviewer (shifting uncomfortably in his arm chair): So making another brilliant deduction, I take it you’d support Tulsi Gabbard if you lived in the U.S.

Renfield: Yes, as further proof that great minds think alike, my friend the vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing and I only thought highly of 3 candidates running for the Democratic Party nomination – John Hickenlooper, Andrew Yang and Tulsi Gabbard.
Two of those have dropped out. And only Tulsi remains. And the Democratic Party establishment will certainly ensure that she doesn’t get the nomination since she wants to put an end to America’s insane policy of endless regime change wars – which is supported by both major parties – Republican and Democrat.

Interviewer: So what about this argument that in America in 2020, you have to be white, male, straight and septuagenarian to be President.

Renfield: Just further proof that most media commentators in the mainstream media and pompous pontificators on social media have the same amount of knowledge of history. Which is to say- nil. If these people had ever bothered studying the extremely unusual mentor/protege relationship that went on between mentor Roy Cohn (former chief legal counsel to Sen. Joe McCarthy in the 1950s) and his young protege Donald Trump back in the 1970s, they wouldn’t label Trump with the epithet “straight”.
It would be more appropriate to have that old country/western song “This Door Swings Both Ways” playing in the background.
And I’ll wager that if Australia’s infamous Uncle Ernie “came a Waltzing Matilda” through the doors of the Oval Office wearing only his pink sequined g-string, Trump would be putting on a Celine Dion Vegas show style evening dress and breaking into a chorus of one of Celine’s old hits, “It’s all coming back to me now… ”
Then what will probably happen is that Trump’s evangelical church prayer group will walk into the Oval Office just as Trump and Uncle Ernie are in the heights of Apollo-Hyacinth like passion and get the shock of their lives.
They will be followed seconds later by the ghost of Salvador Dali who will walk in and likewise get the shock of his afterlife.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday March 6th
2020.

24 Comments

  1. Hyperion said,

    I’d vote for Uncle Ernie if Renfield didn’t run for office. Where have all the cowboys gone? All we have left are butt puppets and tanga sniffers. I imagined a Bob Hope like show at the White House where Melania wears a three piece suit with high heels and the GOO wears a blue dress with a strange stain on the front. 4 more years.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      And the ghost of Ronald Reagan appears and says, “It’s very very very late evening in America…”

      • Hyperion said,

        And a young couple discovered the likeness of Baphomet on a persimmon they forgot in their refridgerator so they are selling it on eBay and the bids have gone up to $5000 USD. Everybody wants a Baphomet in their house while coincidentally Christian bookstores are closing across the US due to poor sales. The Democrats see this as a victory.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        It will be Baphomet’s image replacing George Washington’s on the U.S. One Dollar Bill soon.

      • Hyperion said,

        Schools will be allowed to say prayers to Baphomet and the new motto is In Baphomet we Trust.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        And instead of the capstone hanging above a pyramid, it will be a condom hanging over one of Baphomet’s body parts.

      • Hyperion said,

        No doubt Portland Oregon citizens will go there on pilgrimage to worship.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        If they haven’t all been bumped off by the Coronavirus first.

      • Hyperion said,

        We can only hope.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Indeed.

  2. David Redpath said,

    I’m certain Uncle Ernie would draw
    the line at white septuagenarian males,
    straight, or Trump (since he’s as bent
    as a dog’s hind leg when it comes to
    corporate governance).Believe it or not,
    Uncle Ernie does have standards.
    In the several decades he’s illegally
    resided in the U.S. he has refused to be
    affiliated with either the Republican or
    Democratic parties (that’s despite being
    the “wingman” for all three Kennedy
    brothers). Something to do with the
    war on recreational drugs. Uncle Ernie
    is a proud libertine who believes in the
    inalienable right to be stupid.
    It does make me wonder how the
    America electorate could actually have
    lower standards than even Uncle Ernie!

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Glad to hear Uncle Ernie has his standards.

      And you know America is in serious trouble when their standards are lower than Uncle Ernie’s. 😲

  3. annieasksyou said,

    Wow; I sure disagree with you on Tulsi Gabbard, my friend. I see her as a disturbed and egomaniacal person who ran for President because the people who knew her best, her Hawaiian constituents, felt she was a failure. I wouldn’t be surprised if she runs as a third-party candidate and the vicious Bernie Bros support her in a Nyah, Nyah attempt. She’ll surely have Russian money in that effort. We who are desperate to rid ourselves of trump must make sure that we get a big enough turnout so her run wouldn’t destroy what’s left of our democracy.

    But she’s very pretty—if that’s what you want in a President.

    Now when you talk of Hickenlooper, I can understand. I’m regrettably not following your train of thought.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Tulsi is an extremely good speaker.

      I didn’t know that she was so unpopular in her home state.

      When Hickenlooper announced he was running, since he had such an unusual name, I checked out his Twitter.

      When he ended his qualifications on his page with the description “One heck of a banjo player”, I liked his sense of humour so started following him on Twitter.

      He seemed to have an impressive record – a petroleum engineer who lost his job in an industry downturn at the time, started his own business – a brewery, served as Mayor of Denver and then as Governor of Colorado and had an impressive record in those capacities.

      He seemed to be a 21st Century FDR with the homespun folksy wit of an Abraham Lincoln.

      In some ways, he reminded me of Jimmy Carter who was actually the last Democratic candidate for President I really liked.

  4. Jessica said,

    Renfield, always the smart-ass who knows how to make a person squirm with his honesty haha 😀 Imagining Trump and Uncle Ernie in a compromising scene makes me want to puke. Is Uncle Ernie really up for it?
    It’s hilarious how I read this post now right after watching a documentary about Celine last night. If not I wouldn’t get the Vegas part.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      David assures me that even Uncle Ernie has his standards.

      He wouldn’t get it on with Trump. 😂

      Yes, Celine does most of her performances in Vegas now.

      • Jessica said,

        Well, then Trump will be singing “it’s all coming back to me now” sadly and suck all the drools back would he? 😂

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes, he would. 😂

  5. Kritika said,

    The end was hilarious. Uncle Ernie should surely stand up for the elections. Being infamous is okay. hahaha

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