Sherrielock Holmes’ Night On The Town
Sherrielock Holmes’ Night On The Town
Immortal London dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes (twin sister of the not so-literally immortal detective Sherlock Holmes who is dead and the immortal but extremely young looking great grandmother of Set Enterprises’ Chief Scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher) was sending out quite the positive vibe in the London nightclub lounge she was sitting in.
British MP Renfield R. Renfield had already accidentally knocked over the table he was sitting at due to the positive vibe he was getting.
Boyfriends were getting into trouble with their girlfriends and husbands were getting into trouble with their wives due to the vibe they were getting.
“No sign of the Coronavirus here,” a British NHS worker remarked as he stuck his head into the nightclub lounge.
“But never have I seen such a wide spread of satyriasis since the days of the great god Pan,” British Prime Minister Boris Johnson (who had majored in Classics at Oxford) remarked to his NHS guide who was giving him a nighttime tour of how Britain’s NHS was coping with the Coronavirus in London.
Renfield R. Renfield had meanwhile taken a picture of Sherrielock Holmes with his smartphone.
He immediately text messaged Australia’s infamous Uncle Ernie with the pic.
Uncle Ernie who was in the shower and checking text messages on his (hopefully for him – water proof!) smartphone immediately broke into a chorus of “I’m having the time of my life, I’ve never felt this way before…”.
“Uncle Ernie is sounding even more exuberant in the shower than his usual exuberant self,” the Australian poet David Redpath’s wife remarked to David.
“He is,” David had to admit.
The sound of one of the bathroom walls coming down around the shower could be heard.
“It looks like we may have to call in carpenters to replace one of the bathroom walls,” David’s wife commented.
David was trying to think to himself what Bob Dylan would write when confronted with such a situation.
Meanwhile back in London, Renfield was approaching Sherrielock Holmes’ table.
“I see you’re happy to see me,” Sherrielock remarked wryly.
“As always,” Renfield commented as he sat down.
“I hear my great grandson Cadbury had to bring back U.S. Vice-President Mike Pence from the brink of death,” Sherrielock sipped her drink.
“Yes, one of the City of London’s leading public relations firms was brought in to cover up that whole Coronavirus hitting the White House fiasco as the Trump Administration doesn’t seem to be doing such a good job of covering up such things themselves,” Renfield ordered a gin and tonic from the waiter.
“I hear Pope Francis has asked Hades to release Asclepius from the Underworld to help the Pontiff recover from Coronavirus,” Sherrielock licked a cherry from her drink which caused many men in the lounge to faint.
“That’s what I’ve heard,” Renfield nodded, “And an ET starship has apparently arrived from the constellation Ophiuchus (“the Serpent Holder”) as well since the Jesuit archivists in the Vatican Library aren’t sure which version of the Asclepius myth is true. Although they universally agree that nothing in the Bible is true.”
“I’ve heard that Pope Francis has cancelled his May 14th date for his Vatican Global Compact On Education Event and moved it to October 15th of this year due to his fears over the Coronavirus,” Sherrielock ordered another drink from the waiter.
“Yes his announcement of the New Humanism (which is really his proclamation that henceforth the belief of the Catholic Church is to be 17th Century Puritan Neo-Arianism and 18th Century Deist Unitarianism) will have to wait a few months,” Renfield sipped his gin and tonic.
“I understand a lot of celebrations of the Mass in the Catholic Church have been cancelled due to the Coronavirus,” Sherrielock took her drink from the waiter.
“And they probably won’t be brought back once Pope Francis proclaims the New Humanism,” Renfield nodded, “In fulfillment of Daniel 12:11 “From the time that the Daily Sacrifice is abolished and the Abomination that causes Desolation is set up, there will be 1290 days.” I ran into Amadeus’ friend Father Aidan Bury Saint Edmunds the Church of England’s leading exorcist this evening and in his opinion he says that it’s the Daily Sacrifice of the Mass is what restrains the Coming of the Antichrist according to Father Aidan’s interpretation of 2nd Thessalonians 2:6.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday March 7th
2020.
Dracul Van Helsing 
Hyperion said,
March 8, 2020 at 9:46 am
I do think this is the first vampire chapter featuring the beloved Sherrylock Holmes that she didn’t tomato some naughty politician’s bootie. The new humanism is already taking hold.
Dracul Van Helsing said,
March 8, 2020 at 3:22 pm
Sherrielock’s whip is taking a break while the Coronavirus outbreak is on.
After all with the massive numbers of people out buying massive supplies of toilet paper, they obviously know something that scientists don’t about how the Coronavirus is actually spread.
Thus the days of “dancing cheek to cheek” has come to an end.
And Sherrielock must put her bun tomatoing recipes on hold for a while.
Hyperion said,
March 8, 2020 at 3:29 pm
Waaa haaaa haaaa! Dirty booties spread Corona via forceful flatulence. Scientist are baffled. Liberal activist claim they are going to wipe this virus out but can’t get the homeless in California to use the TP thus creating a biohazard in every California city. Of course the winds blow from west to East bringing the stench and virus across the whole country.
Dracul Van Helsing said,
March 8, 2020 at 5:22 pm
And Dorothy will say to her dog as they’re blown away in the sulphurous smelling winds of Hell, “Toto, I’m sure we’re not in Kansas anymore.”
And somewhere over the rainbow, Baphomet shaped condom filled booties hang like dirty underwear on a clothesline blowing in the wind.
Hyperion said,
March 8, 2020 at 7:03 pm
And the ghost of Bob Dylan can be heard singing, “the answer my friend is blowin’ in the wind 💨 “
Dracul Van Helsing said,
March 8, 2020 at 7:45 pm
And Bill Clinton can be heard saying, “I need another intern to help me cope with my anxiety these days.”
Hyperion said,
March 8, 2020 at 8:10 pm
Calling ticket number 1,252,999 for Clintoon interview.
Dracul Van Helsing said,
March 8, 2020 at 9:13 pm
A Chinese laundry ticket number will be handed out to you after the interview for one complimentary drycleaning.
Hyperion said,
March 9, 2020 at 3:36 am
Waaaa haaaa haaaaaa! The Klintoons despise evidence of dirty deeds.
Dracul Van Helsing said,
March 9, 2020 at 3:59 am
Yes, Vince Foster and a number of other people who have died mysteriously over the years can attest to that.
Hyperion said,
March 9, 2020 at 4:06 am
Indeed, the Klintoons were as nefarious as Dr. Doom. Billious wandered from bedroom to bedroom losing national secrets along the way but he was not nearly as evil as the Hildebeast buying and selling countries and people to the highest bidder.
Dracul Van Helsing said,
March 9, 2020 at 4:33 am
Yes, the media is always yacking about Trump’s Russia collusion but never mentions the Hillarybeast’s China Collusion of the 1990s.
When the Clintons were in power, they sold America’s secrets to the Chinese.
Resa said,
March 8, 2020 at 2:42 pm
That was very entertaining! I need to catch more here!
Your census of humour is fab!
Dracul Van Helsing said,
March 8, 2020 at 3:24 pm
Thank you very much. 😀
Jessica said,
March 9, 2020 at 3:57 pm
That vibe will never reach husband because I’ll be covering his eyes. Haha 😀
Dracul Van Helsing said,
March 9, 2020 at 3:59 pm
Good for you, Jessica. 😀
Jessica said,
March 9, 2020 at 4:12 pm
😂
David Redpath said,
March 12, 2020 at 11:20 pm
Uncle Ernie is seeing a Jesuit priest
about his satyromaniacal tenancies.
It does seem to be helping, despite
comes home dressed as an altar boy.
A bit strange since Uncle Ernie is a born
again Ashkenazi. And yes, it did mean
he had to be circumcised … again 😩
Dracul Van Helsing said,
March 13, 2020 at 12:07 am
Wow.
A double circumcision.
No wonder he takes so many pharmaceuticals. 🎇🎆
David Redpath said,
March 13, 2020 at 12:12 am
And poor Uncle Ernie didn’t have
much to spare in the first place 🍆
Fortunately for him his Rabbi is
up with the latest micro surgery ✡️
Dracul Van Helsing said,
March 13, 2020 at 12:14 am
A good thing indeed. 👌🏻
David Redpath said,
March 12, 2020 at 11:23 pm
If you see me comin’
And you’re standing there
Wave your handkerchief
In the air
I ain’t dead yet
My bell still rings
I keep my fingers crossed
Like them early Roman kings
~ Bob Dylan 😎 🚿
Dracul Van Helsing said,
March 13, 2020 at 12:09 am
Amazing how the words of Bob Dylan are able to relate to any situation. ✍🏻😎
David Redpath said,
March 13, 2020 at 12:45 am
Yes, Bob was Uncle Ernie’s best
customer … till he found religion 😇
Dracul Van Helsing said,
March 13, 2020 at 1:39 am
I guess that old hymn Give Me That Old Time Religion is one that Uncle Ernie will never be caught singing. 👺
David Redpath said,
March 13, 2020 at 2:03 am
No, but he often moans …
“Give me that old drug addled Dylan.”
Dracul Van Helsing said,
March 13, 2020 at 2:15 am
Followed by the lines,
“He won’t be good enough for little David
but he’s good enough for me… “
David Redpath said,
March 13, 2020 at 2:36 am
Bob Dylan is still touring
for the simple reason
that to Uncle Ernie
much money is still owing
from the pot parties,
back in the seventies,
Bob was throwing … And
we’re not talking Tupperware 😎
Dracul Van Helsing said,
March 13, 2020 at 2:50 am
And that ain’t no crock. 🤠
David Redpath said,
March 13, 2020 at 3:12 am
If only Bob hadn’t insisted …
“🎶 Well, he’ll stone you when
you’re trying to be so good
He’ll stone you just like Uncle Ernie
said he he would
He’ll stone you when you’re trying
to go home
And he’ll stone you when you’re
there all alone
But I would not feel so all alone
Everybody must get stoned 🎶
~ Bob, Rainy Day Women
(and that Uncle Ernie)
Dracul Van Helsing said,
March 13, 2020 at 3:45 am
Uncle Ernie would have fit right in with the Pharisees back in the day.
Making sure lots of people get stoned.
David Redpath said,
March 13, 2020 at 3:55 am
He is a born again Ashkenazi,
but I think Uncle Ernie lacks the
necessary chutzpah to be a
rock ‘n’ rolling Pharisee 😎
Dracul Van Helsing said,
March 13, 2020 at 2:01 pm
He not only lacks the Midas touch (as shown by losing out on his Ernievarius royalties),
He lacks the Caiaphas touch (unable to be a rock ‘n rolling Pharisee).
David Redpath said,
March 13, 2020 at 4:19 pm
THE UNCLE ERNIE SONG
🎶 I should have lots of money
With all the drug money owed to me
Robert Downey Junior still owes me
I should have a shit load of money
Robbie Williams refuses to pay me
So, what went wrong?
I got stoned for way too long
And it was gone 😢
I’ve lived a life of debauchery
But the lap of luxury is where
poor Uncle Ernie truly belongs
Being a pervert comes naturally
Selling drugs and feelin’ free
That’s for me …
But so many owe me money
The Traveling Wilburys still owe me
Some prefered to die than pay me
Money isn’t easy to come by
By the time it’s come by
I’ll be stoned
I’ll sing my song all on my own
A lonely old cross dressing hippy
Just me and my inflatable dolly 🎶
Dracul Van Helsing said,
March 13, 2020 at 7:53 pm
As Bela Lugosi once said to a fan who sat next to him at a dinner and an old Hungarian ballad was being played, “Very sad song” Bela said with tears in his eyes (I read about that incident in the old Famous Monsters of Filmland Magazine I used to read as a kid).
Poor Uncle Ernie.
I think the song would make for a very interesting music video. 📹
David Redpath said,
March 13, 2020 at 8:15 pm
He only sings it in the shower
(so you can’t see the tracks of
his tears), so as a musical video
it’s sure to flop like a bar of soap.
Hollywood just doesn’t do the
Monsters like they use to. I saw
that recent Tom Cruise remake
of The Mummy. The monster was
just far too sexy. Half the time Tom
didn’t know whether to kill or kiss it 💋
Dracul Van Helsing said,
March 13, 2020 at 10:47 pm
Yes, the sexy Mummy was the only thing I liked about that movie.
The dialogue and the plot left one wanting to commit hari kari in the movie theatre.
I’m surprised that movie didn’t bury Tom Cruise’s film career for the next 3000 years.
David Redpath said,
March 13, 2020 at 11:02 pm
It has been all downhill for Tom, ever
since Interview with the Vampire.
Or was it that interview with Oprah?
I get them mixed up 🤔
Dracul Van Helsing said,
March 13, 2020 at 11:43 pm
So do a lot of people. 😂🤣