Renfield Examines Other Global Issues Besides The Coronavirus

March 14, 2020 at 10:53 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Renfield Examines Other Global Issues Besides The Coronavirus 

British MP Renfield R. Renfield was in his room in the colossal mansion on the colossal West London estate of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.

He was examining a bunch of briefing papers put together for him by his parliamentary research staff.

As Co-Chairman of the British House of Commons Committee On Global Affairs and International Intelligence Gathering, he would often read these papers each night before bedtime.

At his right hand was a bottle of Drumheller Madame’s Moonshine Remedy For Maladies.

He had kept this bottle in the wine, beer and spirits cellar of the house for years but he decided to open it after reading a comment someone had made on someone else’s blog.

As he downed the bottle while someone sang the song My Corona on the radio in the background, he read the report.

He was currently reading a statement from this past week’s issue of Business Insider Magazine, 

“A swarm containing an estimated 200 billion locusts was recorded in Kenya and each insect can eat its own weight in food. That equates to about as much food as 84 million people can eat in a day.
The UN fears the number of locusts could grow 500 times as much by June and reach 30 different countries.”

That number of locusts then would be somewhere in the trillions Renfield thought to himself as he made a quick calculation on his antique Chinese abacus.

Renfield then read a circled report from BBC News on how China was sending ducks to battle Pakistan’s locust swarms.

The report went on that apparently ducks can eat up to 200 locusts a day.

They would thus be sending a veritable Air Force of ducks to Pakistan to battle the problem.

And even more interesting they would be using genetically modified ducks with even bigger appetites to go after them.

Renfield then read a notation sent to him by his friend Mei-ling Manchu (the vampiress who still worked for Communist China’s Intelligence Service) and another one from his friend Ho Babylon Minh (the vampiress who had recently defected from Beijing to Taiwan) that a directive had been sent out from Beijing to make sure that the genetically modified ducks (after the operation had been completed) were not then passed off to a market to be sold for human consumption.

The directive ended with the words, “We all know how that didn’t work out for us so well the last time we did something similar in using genetically modified creatures.”

Meanwhile in the Hubei province of China, Private Wo Woo of the People’s Liberation Army Biological and Genetically Modified Animals Unit was about to be shot by firing squad.

Private Woo’s idea of using genetically modified bats to deal with a nasty mosquito infestation had been surprisingly a success.

His idea to earn a little extra money on the side, after the operation was completed, turned out not to be so brilliant.

Private Woo’s last action and last words, before being shot by firing squad, was to hit his forehead with his right hand and say, “Oh, what a dummy. Oh, what a dummy.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher 
Saturday March 14th
2020.

17 Comments

  1. rabirius said,

    Very interesting post.

  2. Dawn Renee said,

    Sometimes “solutions” open Pandora’s box in the realm of the unforeseen.

  3. Geetha B said,

    I was not sure whether to find this serious or hilarious. Well written and paced

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Thanks very much, Geeta. 🙂

      • Geetha B said,

        Most welcome 🙂

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        The news stories were true and actual.

        The figure of Private Wo Woo was modeled on a friend of mine I once worked with in the same office who always managed to create and find himself in very unusual difficult situations. Particularly when it came to try and earn extra money on the side.

        When these situations came back to haunt him, he’d hit his forehead with his right hand and say, “Oh, what a dummy. Oh, what a dummy.”

      • Geetha B said,

        That’s a cherry on the cake when you can build on the real to make such piece of fabulous writing. My utmost sympathy for your colleague 🙂

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Thank you. 🙂

        Yes, my colleague was always ending up in difficult situations- poor fellow.

  4. Jessica said,

    Salute to Renfield for reading this kind of stuff before bedtime. I will have nightmares if I read this as my bedtime story.

  5. David Redpath said,

    You wouldn’t be referring to Private
    Lu Wo Woo, also of the People’s
    Liberation Army Biological and
    Genetically Modified Animals Unit?
    The Lu Wo Woo who just happens
    to be a distant nephew of the
    inscrutable Mr. Inn Lu (distant,
    since Mr. Inn Lu is close to 500
    years old)? Because it was that
    Private Lu WoWoo who genetically
    engineered a giant Pangolin on the
    express orders of the Chinese
    President.Apparently Xi Jinping
    suffers terribly from ping-pong
    elbow (he is very competitive when
    it comes to ping-pong) and pangolin
    scales are traditionally used in China
    asan arthritis remedy. According to
    Babylon Ho, it was this experimental
    genetically engineered giant pangolin
    that escaped after eating a likewise
    genetically engineered bat. It was
    soon caught, and then sold at the
    Wuhan wet market to be made into
    Chinese arthritis pills. This all left
    poor Private Lu Wo Woo in the guano
    … And the entire world facing a viral
    firing squad.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Yes, it was that Private Lu Wo Woo.

      Mr. Inn Lu will now have one less birthday card and one less Christmas card to mail out to his distant relatives this year thus saving him a little of this 🤑

      • David Redpath said,

        I don’t think the scrupulously
        inscrutable Mr. Inn Lu actually
        sends any birthday or Christmas
        cards. Uncle Ernie has never
        received any. He only ever gets
        overdue account reminders in red
        ink from Mr. Inn Lu. Who happens
        to have born in the year of the Rat,
        under the sign of the Hoarding
        Dragon. All very auspicious!
        This Chinese astrological sign, in
        combination with the year of the
        Rat, occurs only once every 500
        years. And guess what, Chris . . .

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        I take it that it’s this year.

        I was born in a Year of The Rat.

        But not the same year as Mr. Inn Lu obviously.

  6. David Redpath said,

    Well, according to the Chinese
    zodiac you couldn’t possibly be
    a Hoarding Dragon Rat. From
    what I know of Mr. Inn Lu, we can
    all be grateful for that. I went to
    use his private bathroom, in the
    penthouse above his Kings Cross
    Nightclub/Opium Den/Casino of
    ill repute, the King Kung Fu Lu, and
    there was enough tiolet paper
    stockpiled there to last Mr. Lu
    another 500 years!

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: