Renfield Examines Other Global Issues Besides The Coronavirus
Renfield Examines Other Global Issues Besides The Coronavirus
British MP Renfield R. Renfield was in his room in the colossal mansion on the colossal West London estate of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.
He was examining a bunch of briefing papers put together for him by his parliamentary research staff.
As Co-Chairman of the British House of Commons Committee On Global Affairs and International Intelligence Gathering, he would often read these papers each night before bedtime.
At his right hand was a bottle of Drumheller Madame’s Moonshine Remedy For Maladies.
He had kept this bottle in the wine, beer and spirits cellar of the house for years but he decided to open it after reading a comment someone had made on someone else’s blog.
As he downed the bottle while someone sang the song My Corona on the radio in the background, he read the report.
He was currently reading a statement from this past week’s issue of Business Insider Magazine,
“A swarm containing an estimated 200 billion locusts was recorded in Kenya and each insect can eat its own weight in food. That equates to about as much food as 84 million people can eat in a day.
The UN fears the number of locusts could grow 500 times as much by June and reach 30 different countries.”
That number of locusts then would be somewhere in the trillions Renfield thought to himself as he made a quick calculation on his antique Chinese abacus.
Renfield then read a circled report from BBC News on how China was sending ducks to battle Pakistan’s locust swarms.
The report went on that apparently ducks can eat up to 200 locusts a day.
They would thus be sending a veritable Air Force of ducks to Pakistan to battle the problem.
And even more interesting they would be using genetically modified ducks with even bigger appetites to go after them.
Renfield then read a notation sent to him by his friend Mei-ling Manchu (the vampiress who still worked for Communist China’s Intelligence Service) and another one from his friend Ho Babylon Minh (the vampiress who had recently defected from Beijing to Taiwan) that a directive had been sent out from Beijing to make sure that the genetically modified ducks (after the operation had been completed) were not then passed off to a market to be sold for human consumption.
The directive ended with the words, “We all know how that didn’t work out for us so well the last time we did something similar in using genetically modified creatures.”
Meanwhile in the Hubei province of China, Private Wo Woo of the People’s Liberation Army Biological and Genetically Modified Animals Unit was about to be shot by firing squad.
Private Woo’s idea of using genetically modified bats to deal with a nasty mosquito infestation had been surprisingly a success.
His idea to earn a little extra money on the side, after the operation was completed, turned out not to be so brilliant.
Private Woo’s last action and last words, before being shot by firing squad, was to hit his forehead with his right hand and say, “Oh, what a dummy. Oh, what a dummy.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday March 14th
2020.
Dracul Van Helsing 
rabirius said,
March 15, 2020 at 4:22 am
Very interesting post.
Dracul Van Helsing said,
March 15, 2020 at 9:49 pm
Thank you.
Dawn Renee said,
March 15, 2020 at 8:38 am
Sometimes “solutions” open Pandora’s box in the realm of the unforeseen.
Dracul Van Helsing said,
March 15, 2020 at 6:03 pm
That is very very very true, Dawn.
Geetha B said,
March 16, 2020 at 12:39 pm
I was not sure whether to find this serious or hilarious. Well written and paced
Dracul Van Helsing said,
March 16, 2020 at 2:14 pm
Thanks very much, Geeta. 🙂
Geetha B said,
March 16, 2020 at 2:34 pm
Most welcome 🙂
Dracul Van Helsing said,
March 16, 2020 at 3:35 pm
The news stories were true and actual.
The figure of Private Wo Woo was modeled on a friend of mine I once worked with in the same office who always managed to create and find himself in very unusual difficult situations. Particularly when it came to try and earn extra money on the side.
When these situations came back to haunt him, he’d hit his forehead with his right hand and say, “Oh, what a dummy. Oh, what a dummy.”
Geetha B said,
March 17, 2020 at 8:20 am
That’s a cherry on the cake when you can build on the real to make such piece of fabulous writing. My utmost sympathy for your colleague 🙂
Dracul Van Helsing said,
March 17, 2020 at 2:47 pm
Thank you. 🙂
Yes, my colleague was always ending up in difficult situations- poor fellow.
Jessica said,
March 19, 2020 at 6:08 pm
Salute to Renfield for reading this kind of stuff before bedtime. I will have nightmares if I read this as my bedtime story.
Dracul Van Helsing said,
March 19, 2020 at 7:25 pm
Yes, Renfield has very unusual bedtime reading material. 😂
David Redpath said,
March 22, 2020 at 4:29 am
You wouldn’t be referring to Private
Lu Wo Woo, also of the People’s
Liberation Army Biological and
Genetically Modified Animals Unit?
The Lu Wo Woo who just happens
to be a distant nephew of the
inscrutable Mr. Inn Lu (distant,
since Mr. Inn Lu is close to 500
years old)? Because it was that
Private Lu WoWoo who genetically
engineered a giant Pangolin on the
express orders of the Chinese
President.Apparently Xi Jinping
suffers terribly from ping-pong
elbow (he is very competitive when
it comes to ping-pong) and pangolin
scales are traditionally used in China
asan arthritis remedy. According to
Babylon Ho, it was this experimental
genetically engineered giant pangolin
that escaped after eating a likewise
genetically engineered bat. It was
soon caught, and then sold at the
Wuhan wet market to be made into
Chinese arthritis pills. This all left
poor Private Lu Wo Woo in the guano
… And the entire world facing a viral
firing squad.
Dracul Van Helsing said,
March 22, 2020 at 3:05 pm
Yes, it was that Private Lu Wo Woo.
Mr. Inn Lu will now have one less birthday card and one less Christmas card to mail out to his distant relatives this year thus saving him a little of this 🤑
David Redpath said,
March 22, 2020 at 5:17 pm
I don’t think the scrupulously
inscrutable Mr. Inn Lu actually
sends any birthday or Christmas
cards. Uncle Ernie has never
received any. He only ever gets
overdue account reminders in red
ink from Mr. Inn Lu. Who happens
to have born in the year of the Rat,
under the sign of the Hoarding
Dragon. All very auspicious!
This Chinese astrological sign, in
combination with the year of the
Rat, occurs only once every 500
years. And guess what, Chris . . .
Dracul Van Helsing said,
March 22, 2020 at 8:21 pm
I take it that it’s this year.
I was born in a Year of The Rat.
But not the same year as Mr. Inn Lu obviously.
David Redpath said,
March 22, 2020 at 8:33 pm
Well, according to the Chinese
zodiac you couldn’t possibly be
a Hoarding Dragon Rat. From
what I know of Mr. Inn Lu, we can
all be grateful for that. I went to
use his private bathroom, in the
penthouse above his Kings Cross
Nightclub/Opium Den/Casino of
ill repute, the King Kung Fu Lu, and
there was enough tiolet paper
stockpiled there to last Mr. Lu
another 500 years!