Pan Goatee Beheads Non-Social Distancing Uglos

April 24, 2020 at 10:34 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Short play, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Pan Goatee Beheads Non-Social Distancing Uglos

Genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee was awakened by the sound of a bunch of cars honking.

Some bozos in the neighbourhood decided to celebrate some stupid occasion by driving around in dozens of cars honking their horns.

All because people could no longer meet in groups above 15 due to the dictates of Alberta Premier Jason Fat Boy Kenney’s ugly looking female Provincial Health Officer.

How did he ever miss out on beheading her?

Probably because he’d never visited the provincial capital of Edmonton he deduced in Sherlockian fashion.

Goatee looked out the window and vomited all over the coffee table when he saw a whole bunch of ugly looking females standing up and down the block (not practicing social distancing either- the ugly looking airheads) waving signs with stupid slogans.

Goatee reached for his astral laser machete and went running down the block beheading the ugly looking females en masse.

He approached one ugly looking school girl.

“You know what the trouble with ugly looking kids is?” Goatee explained as he lopped the young uglo’s head off, “they grow up to be ugly looking adults.”Β 

“You’ll no longer have to worry about following the WHO’s social distancing regulations ever again,” Goatee remarked to one ugly looking mother as he decapitated her.

Later that day, Alberta’s ugly looking female Provincial Health Officer addressing her daily news conference while this time wearing a paper bag over her head (because there were rumours that Pan Goatee was in the provincial capital) told the social distancing media that she had several non-Covid 19 deaths to report, “Several females in our province have been beheaded today because they were ugly. Returning once again to our daily Covid-19 death count…”

On-line bookies and on-line gamblers waited with baited breath to see who would win today’s jackpot for having correctly predicted the exact number of Covid-19 deaths in the province for the day.

. . .

Down in Las Vegas Nevada, Ares the Greek god of war and Thor the Norse god of thunder had the entire city to themselves since all the casinos, lounges, bars, restaurants and wedding chapels were now closed to mortal humans.

Desert coyotes and road runners were outside the buildings running amuck in city streets.

Ares and Thor after having finished off all the liquor and booze in the Bellagio Hotel and Casino were now starting on all the booze and liquor at the Caesars Palace Hotel and Casino.

Ares (drinking a Corona with lime): Say what’s the number of recoveries from Covid-19?

Thor (drinking a bottle of tequila with half a worm in it): What?

Ares: The number of recoveries from Covid-19. They’re always talking about the number of cases of Covid-19. The number of deaths from Covid-19. How come they never give the number of recoveries from Covid-19?

Thor: I don’t know. Do I look like the fucking Director-General of WHO?

Ares (putting on a pair of glasses he had swiped from the hotel’s sole remaining security guard who had died after injecting Lysol household disinfectant directly into his lungs on the recommendation of U.S. President Donald Trump) : No, you don’t look like the sort of person who would give Xi Jinping blow jobs.

Thor: That’s because I’m not.

Ares: What will happen if people are quarantined in their homes all across the planet for the next 18 months to 2 years like so many scientific experts are suggesting but no political leader seems to want to mention?

Thor (making himself a lime Margarita) : I don’t know. A lot of people will go insane I guess.

Ares: And what about the economy? It will totally collapse won’t it? What will happen to agriculture? The food supply? People are going to start dropping dead of hunger aren’t they?Β 

Thor (warming up a frozen plate of Hors d’oeuvres in the lounge microwave) : Oh, probably.

Ares: How am I going to be able to start any wars if people are dead?

Thor: Well maybe you better go start a war before a whole bunch of people start dying from the pandemic or dying from hunger.

Ares (hiccoughing) : An excellent suggestion. I think I’ll go do that now.

(Ares stumbles his way outside where he’s then run over by a road runner)

-A vampire novel chapter
and short playΒ 
written by Christopher
Friday April 24th


  1. George F. said,

    Fricken love when the he goes on a beheading spree….makes my day!

  2. George F. said,

    Thor: Well maybe you better go start a war before a whole bunch of people start dying from the pandemic or dying from hunger…Yep. That’s next. Notice how Kim is suspiciously “seriously ill” at this time? Uh hu. I believe that.

  3. Kritika said,

    Ares was runover by a roadrunner. 😜
    Lysol disinfectant being injected by the security guard. Marvellous creation.
    Pan Goatee back on track. πŸ—‘πŸ”ͺ Rats did came to eat those millions of pieces.?
    Paper bag is a good idea. I think I should create this instead of a mask. πŸ˜œπŸ€£πŸ˜‚

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Yes, the rats πŸ€ came to eat the millions of pieces left over. 😜

      And rumour has it that Pope Francis in his sequel to his encyclical Laudato ‘si is rcommending wearing paper bags rather than masks as paper bags are more ecologically recyclable. πŸ˜‚πŸ€£

  4. Jessica said,

    Pan Goatee is going to probably be very busy in the near future. Just wondering though, when he categorize people as “ugly” it’s the personality right? Not physical appearance? Because if that’s the case… I will like him a bit more πŸ˜‚

    Gosh I’m so tired of this lockdown. If people keep staying inside their immune systems for bacteria are going down. If this last so many months and people gets out they won’t have any defense even for a simple cold. There will then probably be lockdown again because everyone caught cold! Argh, I feel annoyed. Sorry for ranting haha πŸ˜€ couldn’t help it when I started typing 😁

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      No, Pan Goatee is very shallow (there’s no drowning in his personality), he bases it on looks.

      And as for the lockdown and what might happen, I’m reaching the same conclusion as you, Jessica.

      There have been cases in North America where certain germophobic parents keep their kids in the house all the time in a “bubble zone” and won’t let them out.

      Then by the time they go to school, they’re subject to all sorts of sickness and illnesses because they haven’t developed any natural immunity from being outside and playing with other children and eating dirt (like most kids are prone to do).

      • Jessica said,

        Aw. I was so hopeful Goatee got some redeeming qualities πŸ€ͺ

        Yes people, most importantly kids should be outside to build immunity. Just a day ago I saw this video how some doctors coming out to tell that lockdown are actually more harmful to humans. And that they’re being pressured to add covid to every person who dies. One doctor was even given a seven pages of documents to read how he should manipulate the death rate for covid. When he was asked why he thinks they do it. The doctor replied because “fear is the best way to control people”

        I can’t tell everything they talked about but I went to YouTube just now to share it to you but the video was removed for “violation” 🀨 now that’s suspicious.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes, I’ve heard reports coming from all over the place about doctors being told they need to report “covid” as the cause of death even when it isn’t.

      • Jessica said,

        Humans are going into dystopian future…πŸ˜”

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        That’s why we need Harry Potters, Frodo Baggins, King Arthurs, Robin Hoods, Joan of Arcs, Mulans and Renfield R. Renfields to arise to battle these villains. πŸ˜€

        With a dash of Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster 🦞of course. πŸ˜€

      • Jessica said,

        Of course πŸ˜„

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        They will kick the villains’ butts beyond planet Pluto where they’ll really freeze their asses off being so far from the sun. πŸ˜‚πŸ€£

      • Jessica said,

        Now that’s a story worth reading πŸ˜‚

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        LOL ! πŸ˜‚πŸ€£

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