Archbishop Vigano Says The Vatican Never Released The Text of The Third Secret of Fatima

April 29, 2020 at 10:00 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Archbishop Vigano Says The Vatican Never Released The Text of The Third Secret of Fatima

The demon Asmodeus and the little green frog Nimrod were once again walking the streets of Rome.

They noticed a cardinal giving money to a bunch of distressed looking drag queens standing at a street corner.

“That cardinal looks familiar,” Nimrod remarked as he licked a black fly flavoured ice cream cone he was holding in his little webbed hands.

“That’s Cardinal Konrad Krajewski the Papal Almoner (papal chaplain in charge of distributing money to the deserving poor),” Asmodeus replied, “Ever since the Covid-19 pandemic struck, Rome’s transgendered prostitutes have suffered a work stoppage as a result of no more clients taking them out.”

“So, why is the Papal Almoner giving them money?” Nimrod inquired.

“Guilt, I imagine,” Asmodeus ate a take out plate of lasagna, “It was Francis’ Vatican officials who were undoubtedly their biggest customers. Kept them in their Paris and Milan designed sequined dresses, Wolford pantyhose and Christian Louboutin spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes. Now they’re having to settle for hand me downs from the Salvation Army Women’s Clothing Department. It must have been quite the come down financially and fashionally speaking.”

A rare American tourist couple – a man and a woman- were out walking the deserted streets of Rome in total disobedience to the Italian government’s lockdown orders.

They were walking up the street and away from the Vatican.

The woman turned around and looked at the Vatican whereupon she turned into a pillar of salt.

“I see Archbishop Carlo Maria Vigano (who’s been in hiding since the summer of 2018 to avoid being bumped off by Pope Francis’ gay lavender mafia) is saying that the Third Secret of Fatima (words spoken by the Virgin Mary to three shepherd children at Fatima, Portugal in 1917) has never been officially released by the Vatican despite Vatican claims they released it back on June 26th 2000,” Nimrod ate some Boston clam chowder soup with several flies in it.

“That’s true,” Asmodeus ate a beef donair, “British MP Renfield R. Renfield discovered the actual Third Secret in a retired Austrian Army colonel’s briefcase back on November 9th 2018. The same day that a geopolitical analyst friend of Renfield discovered that the text of the Third Secret had been given by the Virgin Mary to a Japanese nun Sister Agnes Sasagawa on October 13th 1973 finding the full message of Our Lady of Akita by deciding that the full message might actually be located at the back pages of Google Search on the topic Our Lady of Akita rather than towards the front.”

“And what was the essence of the message?” Nimrod swiped some hand sanitizing lotion from the back pockets of a Rome policeman so he could wash and sanitize his little webbed hands.

“It said that a Great War would be started in the 21st Century by Satan’s partisans in the East (possibly a reference to Russia or China or North Korea as Satan’s partisans in the West would of course be the United States of America and the European Union), fire would fall from Heaven and turn the waters of the ocean into steam and millions of people would die by the minute. There was also a prophecy that Satan would end up controlling one third of the Catholic clergy and Satan would succeed in infiltrating to the very top of the Church,” Asmodeus ate a submarine sandwich.

“What is considered the very top of the Church?” Nimrod struggled to get the top off a jar of roasted hazelnut peanut butter.

“The Papacy,” Asmodeus grabbed the jar of roasted hazelnut peanut butter for Nimrod and yanked the top off.

On the dome of Saint Peter’s Basilica as the sun was setting, Pope Francis was making hand shadow puppets in the form of a horned goat’s head.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday April 29th


  1. Kritika said,

    Your characters are eating a lot nowadays. ๐Ÿ˜œ

  2. David Redpath said,

    This is such a coincidence, Chris!
    It was Uncle Ernie who first taught
    Jorge Mario Bergoglio, when he was
    the Argentinian Provincial Superior
    of the Jesuits, how to play shadow
    puppets. In the mid to late 70’s
    Uncle Ernie was regularly invited to
    to stage his drag show extravaganza
    in Buenos Aires. By none other than
    President Videla Redondo himself.
    In return “Cumelita” would put on a
    private “Happy Birthday” performance
    for the defacto President. According
    to Uncle Ernie, you haven’t lived till
    you’ve danced your sequins off, on
    the lap of a South American dictator (needless to say, Uncle Ernie and I
    don’t always see eye to eye when it
    comes to geopolitics). So, it was
    Uncle Ernie who advised a newly
    appointed head of the Jesuits, Jorge
    Bergoglio, that with a murderous
    military junta in control of the country,
    it was better to be a shadow puppet
    than a dead martyr.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Uncle Ernie dancing his sequins off on the laps of a South American dictator.

      Sadly that imagery has sent Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster into a state of post-traumatic stress disorder from which he might never recover. ๐Ÿฆž๐Ÿคฏ

      • David Redpath said,

        Apparently the lustre was polished
        off El Presidente Redondo’s medals
        when Uncle Ernie sang ‘Don’t Cry
        for Me Argentina’, instead of ‘Happy
        Birthday’. Any mention of Eva Perรณn
        would send the usurper into spasms.
        He was just a mere defacto president.
        And not a but shadow of the deposed
        Juan Perรณn. But then, Uncle Ernie is
        a defacto woman.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Something Uncle Ernie shares in common with the late Golda Meir.

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