Renfield and The French Femme Fatale

May 11, 2020 at 10:46 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , )

Renfield and The French Femme Fatale

British MP Renfield R. Renfield was lying in bed when suddenly a beautiful young looking red haired woman wearing a red lingerie slip entered his bedroom.

“Bonjour, Monsieur,” the woman smiled at him.

“Bonjour, mademoiselle,” Renfield answered always happy to practice his French anywhere he could.

The woman got into bed with him and gave him a French lesson he’d never forget.

The next morning when he got up, she was gone.

He noticed a PPE medical mask lying on top of his dresser with a note attached that said:

“I know you don’t like wearing these since Neo-Marxist totalitarians are always telling people to wear them but please wear one for me when you go outside today, Monsieur.

Affectionately yours,
your petite 

Her name must be Marie-Morgane, Renfield deduced.

After he had showered and shaved and breakfasted, Renfield put on the PPE medical mask and went downstairs.

Waiting for him down at the bottom of the stairs was world famous London dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes who was also the Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering For Set Enterprises.

That morning, Sherrielock had received an emergency text message from Peter Whitstable the man they call the Fox Mulder of Interpol.

“Where do you think you’re going wearing that PPE medical mask?” Sherrielock asked him.

“Out!” Renfield replied.

“Clang!” The frying pan Sherrielock was holding in her hand came down on top of his head.

“Don’t worry, you’ll thank me for this,” Sherrielock tore the mask off Renfield’s face and threw it outside.

A mermaid riding a fire breathing black horse could be seen outside the window of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s colossal mansion.

A look of extreme disappointment appeared on the mermaid’s face as the mask (devoid of Renfield) blew away in the wind.

When Renfield awakened moaning on the floor later, Sherrielock, who was opening up a can of tuna in the kitchen, called out, “I just saved you from one deadly piece of tail.”

. . .

The Norse mother earth goddess Jord was meeting with the Inca mother earth goddess Pachamama in Paris.

“So, then, it’s agreed?” Pachamama asked Jord.

“It is,” Jord ate some lutefisk with her glass of champagne, “My son Thor says he’s willing to help as well.”

“Where is Thor at the moment?” Pachamama asked.

“He’s currently in northern Syria helping Ares the Greek god of war nurse a major hangover,” Jord replied.

. . .

Pope Francis was reading the latest report on how very few public Masses were now being said across the world.

He smiled.

He had been very successful in his mission.

Of course he couldn’t have done it without the help of George Soros, Bill Gates, Jeffrey Sachs, the People’s Republic of China and Bono.

The pontiff looked out the window and noticed birds of a feather flocking together on an adjacent rooftop.

It was a murder of crows.

But instead of having crows’ heads, the midnight black birds had heads of tiny black snakes.

Pope Francis turned out the lights and went to bed.

Where he had a nightmare of people not social distancing and Raquel Welch dancing on top of a table while Marcello Mastroianni applauded.

“Heterosexual relationships,” Francis cried out in anguish, “It’s the end of the world.”

-A vampire novel chapter 
written by Christopher
Monday May 11th


  1. Kritika said,

    Thor is nursing Ares, lols. Hope Ares get well soon.

  2. KomalMeansDelicate said,

    Very well written!

  3. Hyperion said,

    Poor Renfield. He never suspected the evil mermaid. Thankfully Sherrielock was on to the scam. I had to laugh at the Pope’s exclamation of heterosexuality being a sign of the end of the world. There are so many signs, it’s hard to keep them all straight, no pun intended. Recently at a Climate Change science division meeting, we did discover that the Ocean’s saturation of carbon was the culprit to climate change. The data shows that the oceans’ ability to absorb and exchange carbon is not linear and also finite. After approximately 5 billion years, the old girl is full. This will result in record hurricanes and typhoons in 2020 as the ocean outgases the excess carbon causing worldwide shifts in the jetstream and ocean currents. It’s going to be like a giant fart in a crowded elevator. That should help us all focus.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Very much so, Daniel.

      It will help us all focus.

      • Hyperion said,

        With our 6 second attention spans, it’s going to be the challenge of the century.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Especially since Beelzebub Gates never added a smell-o-vision feature to his internet so we could inhale the smell and let it grab our attention. 😳

      • Hyperion said,

        Yes, and if that smell is a mix of feces and sulfur, we know it’s evil and we should click the heck out of there fast.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        And for those who operate on Beelzebub Gates’ window operating systems, that’s when the page will decide to freeze.

        And various Window users will be found overwhelmed by the fumes in their homes as they’re carried out by people dressed in Hazmat suits.

      • Hyperion said,

        Yes indeed. The last thing they see is a mermaid riding a pale horse.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes, the mermaid riding the pale horse will be the most fatal sight of all.

      • Hyperion said,

        I think this is really going to mess up a lot of people raised on the Disney version of The Little Mermaid.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Their infantile rants on Twitter will become even more incoherent than ever.

      • Hyperion said,

        I’m so glad I ducked out of the Twitter storm.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes, I do have an account but I rarely post anything.

        I follow that advice about not casting one’s pearls before swine.

      • Hyperion said,

        Timeless good advice.

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