Renfield and The Ghosts of Uncle Ernie In Three Temporal Locations

May 15, 2020 at 10:57 pm (Fantasy, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, Humour, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Renfield and The Ghosts of Uncle Ernie In Three Temporal Locations

“To be a pirate king, to be a pirate king,
it is, it is a glorious thing to be a pirate king,
To steal the lordly ring, to steal the lordly ring,
it is, it is a glorious thing to steal the lordly ring, 
To be able to shower and sing, to be able to shower and sing 
it is, it is a glorious thing to be able to shower and sing …”

Renfield fell asleep after singing his song in an attempt at a home musical operetta podcast after having butchered the lyrics of the Gilbert and Sullivan operetta The Pirates of Penzance.

He was awakened by an apparition identifying itself as The Ghost of Uncle Ernie Past.

“I’ve never heard of you,” Renfield blinked, “What happened to Christmas Past?”.

“It’s long past,” Uncle Ernie explained, “We’re now approaching the middle of May. I’m here to show you the past.”

“My past?” Renfield asked.

“No, mine,” Uncle Ernie grabbed Renfield’s hand in violation of social distancing protocols and took him back to Australia in the mid-1980s to a living room.

“What is this place?” Renfield asked.

“I have no idea,” Uncle Ernie answered, “but the TV commercial for my kids’ birthday party balloon sculpture business is about to come on.”

The commercial shows a group of kids dancing around Uncle Ernie who’s wearing a clown costume.

Kids (singing): 
Uncle Ernie we love you, 
To us, you are a star,
Uncle Ernie we love you 
and what you keep in your candy jar.

“And was your business a success?” Renfield inquired.

“Sadly,” Uncle Ernie had tears in his eyes, “I wound up in jail right after this first commercial aired. The Sydney police decided to investigate just what it was I had in that candy jar. And while I was behind bars, what I had in that candy jar was passed around to a night time sitting of the Australian Senate. The Hansard minutes of that particular Senate session are still marked Confidential and Top Secret to this day for some reason.”

Renfield woke up and found himself in a pub in downtown Sydney.

“I’m the ghost of Uncle Ernie Present,” Uncle Ernie smiled as he downed another beer.

“Australia in May 2020?” Renfield looked around, “But aren’t there any lockdown measures in place?”.

“Not in joints owned by the inscrutable Mr. Inn Lu,” an elderly Asian gentleman dressed like Confucius bowed to them, “The authorities leave me alone. Here are the lap dancers you ordered, Ernie. Ming Ling and Ding Dong.”

Ding Dong sat on Renfield’s lap, “The last time I sat on your lap, Uncle Ernie, you didn’t have much of a dong to ding.”

“Well I never,” Uncle Ernie protested.

“That’s probably the truest thing you’ve ever said in your life, Uncle Ernie,” Ming Ling giggled.

After an hour of ecstatic bliss, Renfield was awakened by the sound of Big Ben ding donging.

Which was strange since Big Ben was currently under repair.

“I am the Ghost of Uncle Ernie to come,” said Uncle Ernie.

“Oh, Uncle Ernie, you’re such a liar,” Ming Ling giggled, “you never come.”

Uncle Ernie’s face turned red as the apparition vanished into the night.

“I need to stop eating those Australian candies,” Renfield remarked as he slid under his computer desk and into oblivion.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday May 15th 2020

34 Comments

  1. Jo said,

    That was funny! 🙂

  2. Kritika said,

    ‘What happened to Christmas past? Its long past. ‘ Welcome to Uncle Ernies world.
    Hilarious chapter. Enjoyed reading it. 😀

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      I thought you would enjoy a chapter about Uncle Ernie, Kritika. 😀

      • Kritika said,

        Yes very much. Uncle Ernie is my favourite. Thank you 🙂

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        I’ ll have to tell David to tell his Uncle Ernie that he’s become someone’s favourite character in a friend’s on-line vampire novel.

        Uncle Ernie will probably become even more conceited than he already is. 😂🤣

      • Kritika said,

        🤣🤣
        Is he seriously is a real ? 😱🤔

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes, one of my readers David Redpath (whose website is highwaybloggery.com) has an Uncle Ernie (who’s an adopted uncle not a biological uncle) who’s the model for my character of Uncle Ernie.

      • Kritika said,

        Oh great. He would surely be having a long queue of fans.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Uncle Ernie worked as a backstage technician to a lot of the major bands of the 1960s and ”70s, David was telling me, including the Rolling Stones if I remember correctly.

        So Uncle Ernie became quite familiar with the world of illegal and unregulated pharmaceutical substances. 😂

      • Kritika said,

        Wow. He sounds to be rocking in real as well. 😀
        Hahaha

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes, Uncle Ernie is quite the rock and roll character. 😀

  3. The Bubbly,Tipsy Mermaid (TIB) said,

    Chilling💦

  4. Jessica said,

    This is hilarious! I burst out laughing at this exchange:
    “My past?” Renfield asked.
    “No, mine,” 
    I read it twice and laugh loudly in both times.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Yes, that’s one of my favourite lines as well, Jessica. 😂

      • Jessica said,

        I want to say a lot about Uncle Ernie and Renfield because of this but it’s so much and I feel lazy… so I’ll just replay this love scene in my head haha 😄

      • Jessica said,

        That came wrong. “This lovely scene” not “love scene” 🤪😂

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes, I don’t think Renfield would want a “love scene” with Uncle Ernie. 😲😂

      • Jessica said,

        🤢🤢🤢🤮 no… not my Renfield 😂

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes, Renfield would be doing exactly that 🤢🤢🤢🤮if he was called on to do a “love scene” with Uncle Ernie. 😂🤣

  5. Renfield and The Ghosts of Uncle Ernie In Three Temporal Locations – Rootsandrevolations said,

    […] Renfield and The Ghosts of Uncle Ernie In Three Temporal Locations […]

  6. David Redpath said,

    🎶 Abandon all hope
    Ye who drops the soap
    And brace for some
    Unpleasant surprises
    For Uncle Ernie will seal
    Your lordly ring singing,
    “Hooray and up she rises!” 🎶

  7. David Redpath said,

    ” … and with a feather boa bind them.”

    Uncle Ernie is into a bit of bondage.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      50 Shades of Boa – a possible name for Uncle Ernie’s autobiography.🙀

      • David Redpath said,

        I wouldn’t want to be constricted
        by Uncle Ernie’s boa! And find my
        kingly ring plugged with a feather 😱

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        “A feather in the heather
        is not something I’d tether.”

        -A kilt wearing Scotsman 😱

      • David Redpath said,

        “Bonnie Prince Charlie
        loves an Uncle Ernie party.
        So does his younger brother,
        the randy Prince Andy.”
        ~ Anonymous Minor

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        I feel another raid coming on an Uncle Ernie party.👮🏻

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