Barack Obama’s BBC Interview

June 5, 2020 at 10:46 pm (Commentary, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Barack Obama’s BBC Interview

Former U.S. President Barack Obama was being interviewed by the BBC’s Sir Valk Zisvay Humphreys.

“One final question before you go, Mr. President,” Sir Valk Zisvay Humphreys ate a delivery sandwich from Brucie’s Baloney Parlour, “With this intense global Covid-19 lockdown going on all over the world, do you think it’s possible that there are a great many people who are becoming totally unhinged and outright crazy as a result of being locked down in their homes?”.

“Yes, Sir Valk,” Obama nodded, “I think it’s been happening in great droves. For example there’s one lunatic in your own country who thinks that just because Virginia Gov. Ralph Northam wants to erect a 666 foot statue of himself in the Virginia state capital of Richmond that this is somehow going to affect my own popularity on the continent of Africa. And when confronted with this logic (or lack thereof), one’s first thought is, what does this have to do with the price of tea in China? Or even the price of asphalt in Afghanistan for that matter?”.

“It doesn’t make much sense,” Sir Valk Zisvay Humphreys started choking on his Brucie’s Baloney sandwich.

“No, it doesn’t,” Obama agreed, “And the same lunatic also thinks that there’s been no civil wars happening in Libya or Syria since 2011. If there was no civil war happening in Libya, then how did Col. Muammar Gaddafi die as a result of being seized off the back of a truck by a mob and having a red hot poker shoved up his ass? If there was no civil war in Libya, then how come the U.S. Consulate in Benghazi was attacked in 2012 with 4 people being killed and 10 others were wounded? If there is no civil war in Libya, then why are two different governments claiming sovereignty over the entire country? A government in Tobruk headed by Marshal Khalifa Haftar the commander-in-chief of the Libyan National Army. And a government in Tripoli called the Government of National Accord headed by Prime Minister Fayez al-Sarrad?.”

“What about the non-existent Civil War in Syria as the lunatic claims?” Sir Valk was starting to feel a sudden attack of diarrhea as a result of eating the Brucie’s Baloney sandwich.

“If there is no Civil War in Syria,” Obama shook his head, “then why were chemical weapons used against civilians in Syria? Were the authorities just hoping to find a way of finally ending the world’s longest cribbage tournament which was going on in that country? And why did I threaten to launch missile attacks against Assad if there was no civil war going on and no chemical weapons attacks against civilians? Was it just because I happened to have a bad day on the golf course? And how did Daesh (the ISIS Islamic State) manage to seize such a large swathe of Syria and start beheading Christians if there was no Civil War going on at the time? Why did millions of Syrians flee their country and start immigrating to Europe if there was no civil war going on? Did they just suddenly start developing a hankering for the many different varieties of European climate?”.

Sir Valk Zisvay Humphreys realized that the formerly white seat of his white chair was now coloured a very vivid brown.

He looked over at the clock.

It was approaching the 11th hour.

Two U.S. Episcopalian priests dressed in drag and both reading books titled Carl Jung’s Theory of Projecting Onto Others were likewise undergoing attacks of diarrhea from having eaten Brucie’s Baloney Parlour Sandwiches.

“On the plus side,” Barack Obama smiled, “British MP Renfield R. Renfield says I’m cool enough to be the Antichrist. Whereas both Bill Gates and Ralph Northam are too dull, bland and boring to be the Antichrist. Not of course that I am the Antichrist. Michelle probably wouldn’t let me. She’d figure that if I became the Antichrist, I might use that as an excuse to stop doing chores around the house.”

“So, what are your plans for the rest of the day?” Sir Valk Zisvay Humphreys asked whose own immediate plans included changing his underwear.

“Well, I’ve been asked to livestream a performance of reciting Mark Antony’s I’ve Come To Bury Caesar Not To Praise Him speech from William Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar to a high school graduating class holding their ceremony over the Internet, ” Obama smiled, “a speech laden with sardonic irony.”

Sir Humphreys looked over in the direction of his news producer’s office where the producer’s dog Caesar had eaten the rest of the sandwiches in the delivery bag from Brucie’s Baloney Parlour.

The dog Caesar was now doing an instantaneous colour redecorating of the producer’s office furniture and floor.

Sir Humphreys reckoned that the producer would likewise be giving an I’ve Come To Bury Caesar Not To Praise Him speech before the day was over.

But one a little less laden with sardonic irony.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday June 5thΒ 


  1. Judy Kim said,

    The baloney diarrhea! πŸ˜‚ so gross and funny. I needed to laugh, thank you!

  2. Kritika said,

    Diarrhea painting everywhere. Yikes. The interviewers face would have been the green with the nest step in mind. Lols
    Obama did explained it nicely.

  3. Jessica said,

    So many people are experts in denial.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      ROTL ! πŸ˜‚πŸ€£

      That’s very very true, Jessica.

      So many people are experts in denial. πŸ€“

      • Jessica said,

        I name it “Denial Syndrome” 😁😁😁

      • Jessica said,

        Oops just did a quick search… it seems like I’m not the first haha πŸ˜‚

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        It is a good name. πŸ˜„πŸ˜„πŸ˜„

        Too bad you weren’t the first.

        You might have won a prize or something.πŸ…

      • Jessica said,

        πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ I look forward to see the design of that reward, too bad πŸ˜‚

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        If you could select the design for your award, what would it be? πŸ˜€

      • Jessica said,

        Hm… I’ll have to think of it carefully. But right now I love it to be an elegant purple leaf 😁

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        That would actually be a great design. πŸ™‚

        Purple is one of my 3 favourite colours.

      • Jessica said,

        Let me guess, blue and greens are the next? 😁

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Blue is correct. πŸ˜€

        Red is my other favourite colour.

      • Jessica said,

        Haha maybe it’s a Sagittarius thing because blue and purple are my favorites… I stay away from red because I’m scaredy cat. It reminded of blood … 😱

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes, I don’t like the colour of blood.

        But I do like the colour of a red dress.

        Women usually look dazzling in that colour.

      • Jessica said,

        Hahaha πŸ˜‚ I guess it’s a man style then. One of my husband’s first gift to me was a red evening dress πŸ˜„

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,


  4. George F. said,

    …but where’s the Vampire? In Syria perhaps?

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Actually a few years ago, I did have Count Dracula fighting in Syria.

      I remember I had vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing go to Transylvania to remove the stake from Vlad Tepes’ heart so he could go to Syria and fight the ISIS Islamic State.

      Dracula’s ally in this fight was the Byzantine vampiress Theodora (who in her mortal life had been the Byzantine empress Theodora wife of the Byzantine Emperor Justinian the Great).

      Theodora also used to beat up Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan (the would be Sultan of a revived Ottoman Empire) quite a bit as well.

      She undoubtedly beat up Erdogan last night as well since he allowed Friday Islamic prayer to be said at the museum (which used to be a mosque which used to be the Orthodox Basilica of Hagia Sophia) for the first time since Kemal Ataturk had established the modern Turkish state.

      Erdogan did it yesterday because it marked the 567th anniversary of the fall of Byzantine Constantinople to the Islamic Seljuk Turks (which fell on that date in 1453).

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