Putin Sings Novichok Song To Tune of Spiderman While Angela Merkel Shaves Her Moustache Again

September 5, 2020 at 11:06 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Russian President Vladimir Putin recently had a needle injected into his buttocks by Set Enterprises Intelligence Unit secret agent Harvey Tallbanger (a 6 foot 8 tall bunny rabbit with big pink floppety ears invisible to all except those drinking Harvey Wallbanger cocktails).

The serum inside the needle gave Putin the worst case of hemorrhoids in all recorded history.

Now that Germany had found Russian Opposition leader Alexei Navalny had indeed been poisoned by nerve agent Novichok, British MP Renfield R. Renfield and Set Enterprises decided to take further action against the murder by poisoning Byzantine Emperor like Russian leader.

Included in the hemorrhoids inducing serum was a compound developed by Set Enterprises’ Dr. Cadbury Rocher (the inventor of the serum) that made the person injected and infected subject to mind control by Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster.

Renfield decided to test the compound’s effectiveness.

Russian President Vladimir Putin had called a press conference to answer charges that it was Russia responsible for administering the Novichok nerve agent poison to Alexei Navalny.

Towering like an Olympian Greek god on his throne high above the assembled members of the world news media, Putin sat upon three dozen soft comfortable cushions to alleviate the agony of his hemorrhoids.

When asked by a reporter from the Uncle Ernie’s Free Press newspaper in Australia (the only newspaper in the world printed on toilet paper) if Russia was responsible for the Novichok attack on Navalny, the Russian leader proceeded to reply.

At that moment, Putin had his mind taken over by Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster.

Putin then broke into a song he dubbed Novichok (which was sung to the tune of Spiderman which was the theme song from the 1960s TV cartoon show called Spiderman).

Putin (singing):

Novichok, Novichok
friendly neighbourhood Novichok
makes your insides want to upchuck
Look out here comes the Novichok
Here comes the Novichok…

Putin was dragged away by his aides before he started revealing any Russian state secrets.

Meanwhile in her bathroom in her home in Berlin Germany, German Chancellor Angela Merkel was listening to the Putin press conference on her TV set and also desperately trying to shave off her moustache.

Ever since her government started imposing draconian measures against its own population this past March in the wake of the Chinese Communist Party Wuhan virus pandemic, Ms. Merkel would wake up every morning with a freshly grown moustache (resembling to the exact detail Der Fuhrer Adolf Hitler’s signature moustache).

As always it took hours for her to shave off her moustache- only to have it come back again fully grown the next day.

The TV started broadcasting a commercial with Renfield R. Renfield drinking a glass of milk (produced by the Alberta Dairyman’s Association) leaving a milky moustache above his lips when he finished drinking.

Renfield sang, “And wear a moustache… wear a moustache..”

Ms. Merkel threw her hair dryer against the TV set as she started to shave her legs.

. . .

Down in Australia, Australian Prime Minister Scott Scott Morrison was having his home buzzed by Set Enterprises’ drones who were playing on their drone loudspeakers their own version of a Men At Work song from the early 1980s,

“Do you live in a Reich down under?
Can’t you hear, can’t you hear the thunder?
You better run, you better take cover.”

Meanwhile in Melbourne, Victoria state Premier Daniel Andrews had problems of his own.

A Josef Stalin walrus style moustache was growing on his left buttock and had become impossible to shave off.

Likewise an Adolf Hitler moustache was growing on his right testicle and had become impossible to shave off.

After 300 protestors marched against Premier Daniel Andrews’ despotic totalitarian rule in Melbourne yesterday (which sent BBC’s Communist correspondent in Australia into a frenzy of weeping and gnashing of teeth), the Victoria premier surrounded by armed police who were dressed like Darth Vader’s stormtroopers of the Evil Empire, Andrews lectured and waved his hands like a frantic madman (minus the German accent), “It is not safe, it is not smart, it is not lawful. In fact, it is absolutely selfish for people to be out there protesting.”

The ghosts of Josef Stalin and Adolf Hitler stood behind him applauding vigourously.

Seconds later, a rotten tomato cream pie was thrown in Andrews’ face by an invisible entity.

Overhead Set Enterprises’ drones flew and sang,

“Do you live in a Reich down under?
Can’t you hear, can’t you hear the thunder?
You better run, you better take cover.”

. . .

Dr. Theresa Tam who was Canada’s airheaded so-called “health expert” was now telling people to stop kissing and also to wear a mask when having sex to prevent the spread of the Coronavirus.

She also said that going solo when having sex (i.e. masturbation) was the safest form of sex to have during a pandemic.

“It definitely decreases your risk of getting Covid,” Dr. Tam said.

When asked to comment, British MP Renfield R. Renfield noted, “That while going solo in terms of sex (i.e. masturbation) decreases your risk of getting Covid, it increases your risk of becoming a pathetic and lonely loser.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday September 5th


  1. Sabiscuit said,

    The UK was much worse, with a health authoritarian going on telly to tell couples to move in together if they are serious or break up. I wrote a satirical news story about the government deducting social points and charging unmarried individuals higher taxes, but I wrote it as a JOKE. (This link: https://sabiscuit.wordpress.com/2015/04/27/new-tax-penalties-for-unmarried-woman/)

    This person gave no thought as to individuals in abusive relationships who are using the lockdown as an excuse to get away from unhealthy situations. And these people are appalled by the rioting in the streets.

    Next, the buttock injections are a cocktail of enzymes that stimulate the production of IGF1 or insulin-like growth factor to keep one fresh and sprightly. I don’t know any of this (looks around) I am only speculating (clears throat) in a fictional context.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Glad to see that your knowledge of buttock injections and IGF1 stimulating cocktail of enzymes is only speculation in a fictional context. πŸ˜€

      You don’t want any government agents showing up at your door. 😎

      • Sabiscuit said,

        Yes! (Looks around) Fiction. πŸ˜€

  2. monimonikablog said,

    β™₯ I love it! Finally she is detected, the reinkarnation of Adolf ;-). She’s doing good, having an education in the Eastern part of Germany, grown up with the Stasi and Schutzpolizei. Sadly Angela is no longer our *Übermutter* but the *bad stepmother*!
    Also the song of the Reich down downer: perfect. good on you.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Thank you, Monika. πŸ˜€

      Glad you enjoyed my depiction of Angela as the wicked stepmother with the Hitler moustache and Australia as the land of the Reich down other.

  3. Muralikrish said,

    Very interesting. πŸ‘Œ

  4. charlypriest said,

    “going solo”, that one put a smile or devil grin on the face, this Vladimiry has all the perks

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Thank you.

      Yes, when Dr. Tam talked about going solo, I thought Han Solo’s name would have to be changed to Hand Solo as he played with his gearshift atop his Millennium Falcon.

      • charlypriest said,

        Made sense, If I could add, “solo violin”

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Nothing like playing one’s instrument by oneself in these times when orchestras aren’t allowed to be together.

  5. Dawn Renee said,

    That makes as much sense as Dr. Tam stating a condom could prevent H1N1, which in reality/allegedly, killed more people without The economic collapse!!
    “A Reich down under” haha ain’t that the truth?!if only the masses would proclaim the Emperoress has a Coat of many lies and a Hitler strip to boot.
    Would it cause any thing

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Yes, I’ve heard more people died from H1N1 than have died from the CCP Wuhan virus.

      The suicides from lockdown and the people dying from cancer (because they got their surgeries postponed because “health experts” assured us that hospitals would become overwhelmed by Covid patients) exceed the number of Covid deaths.

      And while the mainstream Marxist media blather on about over 186,000 people in the US dying from Covid, the CDC quietly admitted in a little discussed press release last week that only 9,700 people have died from Covid proper.

      All the other deaths had other contributing factors.

      And it may have been those other contributing factors that in fact caused the deaths not Covid itself.

      And I don’t know if the masses would stand up and say the Empress has a coat of many lies and a Hitler strip to boot.

      The only place these days where masses of people are protesting against tyranny seems to be in Belarus.

      • Dawn Renee said,

        Good point, the suicides and those awaiting surgeries are more numbers to consider. Despite signs demanding to wear a mask in various stores, there are people here not wearing the things that don’t protect anyway and going inside without any trouble, either because people/employees know the truth, or don’t like confrontation.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes, a lot of them probably don’t want confrontation.

  6. Jessica E. Larsen said,

    Hahaha πŸ˜‚ what a hilarious chapter. I cringed at the hemorrhoid, but laugh out loud at Renfield commercial… this chapter is playing with my feelings!

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