Pan Goatee Beheads Again and Mordred Returns

January 20, 2021 at 10:57 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Politics, Sorcery, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , )

Genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee figured that with Joe Biden’s Inauguration today, there would be lots of satanic activity and examples of incredibly bad taste going on.

And not just among the airheaded American film and music industry celebrities gathered in Washington DC or in some online based virtual reality of Mephistophelian making.

But in his little corner of the world as well.

Sadly for Goatee, this proved to be true.

Following Biden’s appointment of the hideously repulsively ugly Rachel Levine as Assistant Secretary of Health (foreshadowing a disaster for the American health care system of Stephen King Cujoian proportions), Goatee figured that fat ugly blimps would be coming out of the closet en masse.

More so than usual that is.

As fat ugly blimps had been coming out of the closet en masse ever since the advent of feminism in the Western world 50 years ago.

And had been growing worse with each passing decade.

Now with the senile old fool Joe Biden as President, fat ugly blimps would be trying to fit into their size 1500 waist waste trousers (with exceedingly great difficulty) and exiting the closet (each closet being about the size of the San Diego Zoo).

When Goatee approached the neighbourhood liquor store, he was shocked to see a fat ugly blimp inside the liquor store.

After barfing all over the place causing a minature flood in the shopping centre parking lot as a result of seeing the fat ugly blimp, Goatee then removed his astral laser machete from his astral laser holster and beheaded the fat ugly blimp before cutting her up into 999 trillion pieces.

Goatee wondered as he calmly wiped the blood off his machete if he had some sort of obsession with the number 999 trillion in the same way that the Serbian/American scientist/inventor Nikola Tesla had an obsession with the number 3.

Not feeling inclined to enter the liquor store after its environment had been aesthetically polluted by the presence of the fat ugly blimp, Goatee went into the grocery store where he was confronted by the sight of an even more hideously repulsive fat ugly blimp.

Goatee stuck his head out the door and barfed all over the parking lot again.

Adding flood upon flood.

So much so that a person living in a house across the street started building himself an ark.

Goatee then turned back and cut off the fat ugly blimp’s head remarking, “Why can’t you fat ugly blimps just email Joe Biden your resumes instead of handing out your mirror shattering resumes in public?”.

He then cut the fat ugly blimp up into 999 trillion pieces.

After wiping the blood off his laser astral machete for the 2nd time within a space of 5 minutes, Goatee thought maybe he really did have an obsession with the number 999 trillion.

He should ask his psychiatrist the next time he saw him.

. . .

Inside the Duke of Tintagel Pub in Cornwall England, a man recently raised from the dead stood at the bar waiting to place his drink order.

The man was Mordred son of Arthur and Arthur’s half-sister Morgause (although Arthur did not know that Morgause was his half-sister when he banged her).

Mordred was also the man who slew King Arthur at the Battle of Camlann.

Although Mordred also succumbed to his own wounds at the hand of Excalibur and kicked the bucket shortly thereafter.

“Damn inconsiderate of him,” one of the horses at the Battle of Camlann thought to himself after Mordred knocked over a bucket of water with his left foot while giving up the ghost.

Mordred had been buried in an unmarked grave not far from the battle while Arthur’s body was carried across in a barge filled with beautiful women over to the Isle of Avalon.

Mordred’s body, although buried in an unmarked grave, was discovered through remote viewing after yet another DARPA Staring At Goats session.

The Director of U.S. Homeland Security had ordered that Mordred be brought back from the dead as this would fit in with the purposes of the Neo-Bolshevik Deep State.

So South African witch doctor Dr. Sterling Makabo was brought in to raise Mordred the slayer of Arthur from the dead.

When Mordred was successfully brought back from the dead and sucessfully recomposed (after having been successfully decomposing for centuries), Dr. Sterling Makabo remarked to the Homeland Security agents and DARPA operatives present, “I’m a lot funnier than that pompous verbose windbag Trevor Noah. So why can’t I have my own late night comedy show?”.

He poured some hydrogen peroxide on his hands to get rid of the worms of death that had attached themselves to Mordred’s skeleton.

“Should Trevor Noah ever die of massive boredom after being forced to watch re-runs of his alleged comedy show, we’ll let the show’s producers know that you should be kept in mind,” the Homeland Security agent remarked as DARPA operative Jefferey the otter (who had been busy catching fish in the nearby mist-filled lake of Avalon) joined him.

Now Jefferey the otter was sitting on top of a table in the Duke of Tintagel Pub drinking barrels of Green Minnow Beer as he blissfully barked out the melody of Roll Out The Barrel.

The recently raised from the dead Mordred was having a little less luck getting a drink standing up at the bar.

“Please,” Mordred cried out as a falcon possessed by the spirit of the Egyptian god Horus perched atop his shoulder, “I need a drink. I haven’t had a drink in ages.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday January 20th
2021.

4 Comments

  1. Kritika said,

    ‘He poured some hydrogen peroxide on his hands to get rid of the worms of death that had attached themselves to Mordred’s skeleton.’ This is horrific.
    And Pan Goatee is visiting a psychiatrist. Can see rage. Hope things get better with time.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Thanks, Kritika.

      Yes, I thought I’d write a horror story for a change.

      Goes along well with the horror of Biden’s Inauguration I think.

      Keep to the same theme for the same day.

      And yes, Pan Goatee is seeing a psychiatrist. 😂😅🤣

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