Hera At Versailles
The Greek goddess Hera at the Palace of Versailles during the reign of the Sun King
“So,” Set Enterprises’ eccentric scientist Dr. Marmalade Montague asked Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing, “I hear you’re able to travel back in time using the Pantages-Houdini-Tesla-Welles-Lamarr Magic Lantern?”.
“I can neither confirm nor deny that,” Van Helsing answered.
In his aquarium in the background, Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster held up a sign that read CONFIRMED.
“So,” Marmalade read the sign, “When I fell into a time warp when I was Chief Scientist and Head Alchemist To The Court of Louis Quatorze and wound up here in the decade of the 2020s, I left an important alchemical formula on my desk in my laboratory at the Palace of Versailles. I was wondering if you could go back in time and get it for me?”.
“Why can’t you go back in time and get it yourself?” Van Helsing inquired.
“Because the Hindu god Shiva informed me while I was standing in line once at an Indian buffet restaurant in London last year that if I ever engaged in time travel again, I’d disintegrate into a pod of peas hanging from a lotus flower,” Dr. Marmalade Montague replied.
“One wouldn’t want that unless one were a vegan vegetarian Transhumanist,” Van Helsing agreed.
“I don’t know if it was because I helped myself to the last 2 dozen pieces of butter chicken from a buffet tray before the chef brought some more as I was standing in line in front of Shiva or if Shiva really meant it,” Marmalade reflected.
“Well, as J. Robert Oppenheimer might say while putting on a trojan, it’s best to be on the safe side,” Van Helsing acknowledged.
And so Van Helsing went back in time to the Palace of Versailles during the reign of Louis XIV the Sun King.
He found the laboratory but as he entered the room a cat had knocked a piece of paper off the table which seemed to have elaborate drawings and formulae on it.
The paper was then eaten by a poodle.
“I hope that wasn’t the formula for turning lead into gold,” Van Helsing mused aloud.
He then found his way to the main dining room of Versailles where he encountered the Greek goddess Hera.
The Greek goddess Hera and Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing had made out on a couple of occasions.
Unbeknownst to the Greek god Zeus of course.
Otherwise Van Helsing might have disintegrated into ash as a result of having an Olympian thunder bolt thrown at him.
“Dracul,” Hera smiled at him.
“You must have time traveled from the 21st Century as well,” Van Helsing made a Holmes Sherlockian deduction, “because I never knew you during the Reign of the Sun King Louis Quatorze.”
“I did,” Hera nodded, “I time traveled from January 2021.”
“Same here,” Van Helsing stated.
“Did you know that a year ago Zeus asked Hades to release the spirit of Alexander the Great from the Underworld?” Hera inquired.
“It seems to me I heard something to that effect from the ghost of Orson Welles,” Van Helsing reflected.
“And now this January he’s asked Hades to release the spirit of the Syrian Greek King Antiochus Epiphanes (whose official title was King Antiochus IV ) from the Underworld,” Hera noted.
“Maybe Zeus is planning a major Abomination of Desolation with Pope Francis and they want Antiochus Epiphanes’ input into the matter,” Van Helsing said as a group of waiters walked by carrying trays loaded with roast pork.
“I’m so horny and frustrated by Zeus constantly ignoring me,” Hera sighed.
“Maybe I could help you with that,” Van Helsing took off his formal dinner jacket.
Soon Hera and Van Helsing were making out on top of the Royal Banquet table.
“Ah, I see they’re still setting up in here,” Louis XIV remarked to one of his mistresses as he poked his head in through the dining hall door, “Perhaps you’d like to come to my bedroom and I’ll show you my ceiling etchings of Zeus and Leto.”
At that moment the ghost of Orson Welles was bicyling backwards through time in the CERN Large Hadron Collidor Time Tunnel.
As he bicycled backwards in time through the time tunnel, the voice of Engelbert Humperdinck could be heard singing Les Bicyclettes de Belsize.
Welles’ ghost was eating a large spectral bagel as he cycled backwards through time.
Welles hoped that no one would mistake him for Hunter Biden son of Joe Biden as he was returning from Mass in the Presidential motorcade when he ordered the motorcade stopped so he could buy a bagel as he had come down with the munchies after having smoked a pipe of crack cocaine in the confessional booth.
Welles’ ghost arrived just in time to see Dracul and Hera making out on the Royal Banquet table.
“Woe is me,” Welles remarked as he drove his bicyle through the dining room window and on to the Versailles palace grounds.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday January 26th
2021.
Dracul Van Helsing 
Hyperion said,
January 28, 2021 at 8:50 pm
An interesting and charming tale of time travel. I got a real tickle out of the Oppenheimer remark about being on the safe side. He certainly had that in mind while roasting marshmallows on the fuel rod port at reactor number 1 in Oakridge.
Dracul Van Helsing said,
January 28, 2021 at 10:54 pm
It’s always a good thing never to let a fuel rod part at a reactor go to (nuclear) waste.
I imagine the marshmallows turned out very well done.
I remember when Renfield ran for U.S. President in 2016, he promised to burn Hillary Clinton at the stake as a witch if he was elected President.
He also thought the witch burning of Hillary should be a family friendly occasion.
That moms, dads, sons, and daughters (all those stereotypes that the 72,000 variety of genders worshipping Democrats in Congress hate) should have a picnic and enjoy a barbeque and roast marshmallows and wieners in the flames while Hillary was busy roasting away.
No doubt screaming her head off as I doubt very much she has the saintly stoicism of a Saint Joan of Arc.
Hyperion said,
January 29, 2021 at 8:42 am
From what I have read in reports from people forced to work closely with the Hildebeast, she most likely would have used her time to curse in unsaintly ways and call on the Demons of Human Sacrifice to transport her to her new office in the realm of Hades where she could rally the 9 rings of hell to return to earth to participate in Armegeddon. One of the 4 horsemen of the Zombie apocalypse is surely her. Renfield will have his hands full with this Vampiress from Hell. I imagine Hades placing the real Donald in the office next to her just to ensure the rules of punishment are carried out for both parties.
Dracul Van Helsing said,
January 29, 2021 at 5:23 pm
Yes, Daniel, I can see that happening. 😂
Hyperion said,
January 29, 2021 at 6:32 pm
I think Hades would be especially witty if he housed Fancy Piglossy, Hildebeast, and the Great Orange Orifice in a small windowless room together.
Dracul Van Helsing said,
January 29, 2021 at 8:15 pm
A most divine punishment.