Doctors Frasier and Niles Crane Meet The Brides of Dracula

March 13, 2021 at 10:53 pm (Arts, Celebrities, Comedy, Culture, Entertainment, Gothic romance, Humour, Television, TV Shows, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster had been binge watching episodes of the old TV series Frasier.

He then binge watched a Dracula movie marathon.

When that was over, he set his water proof alarm clock moving the time an hour ahead as tomorrow would be the start of Daylight Savings Time.

He then lay back on his water proof pillow and fell asleep.

He had a dream whereby Doctors Frasier and Niles Crane met the Brides of Dracula.

Niles: This is all your fault, Frasier. I don’t really relish the idea of walking around a spooky Transylvanian castle. It doesn’t really cut the mustard in my opinion. Hot doggetty!

Frasier: Niles, I wish you’d stop using those weird euphemisms uttered by that pot smoking hot dog salesman doing those late night infomercials advertising American cuisine recipes you can do in hot tubs. And why is it my fault? You were the one who insisted on giving two rather large glasses of sherry to my BMW’s GPS before we set out on this road trip.

Niles: Yes, well if you had stopped to ask for directions from that transgendered transvestite in the baked potato costume in Boisie, Idaho, we might not be in this mess.

Frasier: No, we might be in a bigger mess.

Niles: What could possibly be a bigger mess than a spooky Transylvanian castle?

Frasier: How about social distancing from a perfect 10 fashion model during a pandemic?

Niles: Frasier, I refuse to believe you dated a perfect 10 fashion model.

Frasier: So does everybody else.

Niles (pointing to a door): Where do you suppose this leads?

Frasier: Oh, I don’t know, Niles. Why don’t you open it and see how many other headwaiters with Hungarian accents lying in coffins we can come across? I haven’t donated so much blood since that multiple radio station personality blood donor challenge in Seattle way back in the day.

Niles (opening door and looking in): It’s the Brides of Dracula.

Frasier (looking in): My God, you’re right, Niles.

Niles: Frasier, I haven’t had so many erotic images and fantasies going through my mind since I first read that scene with the brides of Dracula in Bram Stoker’s novel Dracula as a sophomore back in prep school.

Frasier: That wouldn’t have been the night before the headmaster ordered that major steamcleaning of your mattress?

Niles: Frasier, I wish you hadn’t brought that up.

Frasier: Your mattress probably wished the same thing at the time as well.

Brides of Dracula (calling out): Niles, Frasier!

Niles (rushing in): I regret that I have but one life to give for my fantasy.

Frasier: Niles, quit being such a ham!

(Frasier rushes in)

Frasier: Be a blood sausage like me.

Voice of Count Dracula (singing in the background): I don’t know what to do with that tossed salad and scrambled eggs. They’re calling again.

Voice of Announcer: Good night, Transylvania.

The End.

-A Frasier Meets Brides of Dracula Episode
and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday March 13th


  1. ΠιCΘLΣ said,

    Hello Christopher, I see that you’re having way too much fun with your next door neighbours. And of course Frasier and Niles would spend way too much time quarrelling over things that don’t matter when they have company over.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      That’s right, Nicole. 😂🤣😅

      I’m having way too much fun with the next door neighbours. 😄

      I see you know Frasier and Niles quite well, Nicole. 😂

      They do spend too much time quarrelling over things that don’t matter when they have company over. 🤣

      • ΠιCΘLΣ said,

        I think I’ve seen every episode of Frasier. That was then. I don’t think I could watch now. Just waiting to see if Twitter will finally get around to cancelling them.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        If you ever find you have a lot of time on your hands and are looking for something to do, back in late May and early June of 2015, I wrote my own reunion episode of Frasier.

        It’s listed above there in the 1st related blog posted titled The Final TV Episode of Frasier- My Own Version.

        June 16th 2015 in Comedy.

        I’d be interested to get your take on it.

      • ΠιCΘLΣ said,

        Sure. Will read it later. 🥰

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,


  2. Dawn Renee said,

    I can actually see them both saying everything I just read! Great job!
    Oh, Niles … with that quirky body language! : )

  3. Marlapaige said,

    This was amazing. I totally saw them. Until they went into the brides of Dracula. Then Frasier became The Beast from X-men. 🤷‍♀️

    Can you send me a link to the last episode you wrote? It doesn’t come up for me.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      On my virtually obsolete tablet and my virtually obsolete smart phone, I’ve lost the ability to cut and paste or copy so I’m unable to send you the link.

      If the first link in the related column isn’t working, if you go to the Archives on the right hand side of the page and click on the June 2015 archives and go to the June 16th 2015 post, that’s the one. 🙂

      • Marlapaige said,

        Ok… well that involves a computer…I just use the app on my flip phone and it doesn’t have all those fancy newfangled bells and whistles like the website does. So I’ll have to try to find it if I get a chance to look at work, while I’m wasting away adulting.

        I wanna be a Toys R Us Kid again 😩😭

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Now there’s a store I haven’t thought about in years.

        They’re pretty well all closed in Canada now.

      • Marlapaige said,

        They’re closed here. Have been forever. But we still have Babies R Us and Gap Kids. I miss going into the store and getting things for kids that were past rattles, and I remember Gap being the place to buy Presidentially approved semen stained black dresses, not kids rompers and Osh Kosh Begash jeans.

        Maybe I’m just old and jaded.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        LOL ! @ Gap being the place to buy Presidentially approved semen stained black dresses. 😅😂🤣

      • Marlapaige said,

        Thank you, thank you. I’ll be here all night until I go to bed 😂

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        LOL ! 😂

      • Marlapaige said,

        At least you seem to be laughing too so that’s good. Cuz your killin me smalls!

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,


      • Marlapaige said,

        I hope you had a good night and have a good day today as well!

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Thank you.

        You as well. 🙂

      • Marlapaige said,

        Well, I’ve had a day. Don’t know how good it’s been. But, I’ve mostly survived it. There’s still time for me to end up stapling my boss to the wall, but for right now, I’m mostly surviving LOL

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Well if your replacement boss starts complaining about a shortage of staples around the office next Monday, we’ll know the reason why.

      • Marlapaige said,

        My replacement boss would help me get the stapler to work 🤣😂

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Either that or help remove the staples from your late former boss.

      • Marlapaige said,

        I never said that I would cause permanant injury. Just that I had a staple gun in mind with a sole purpose of stapling my boss to the wall. and my other boss and my potential new boss would both assist with stapling him there. And they would all staple each other there. So it works out well.

        In case you were wondering, I work in a converted asylum where all of the inmates decided to get jobs.

      • Marlapaige said,

        I found it on the computer and I emailed the link to myself. I should be able to read it from home now. I shall let you know my opinion soon….🧐

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Thanks. 😀🙏🏻

      • Marlapaige said,

        I’m excited to read it. But, I will admit I have very high hopes based on your other writings. I’m still at work, but I’ve already picked the one spot in my house where there is NO liquid in easy reach.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        I remember a couple of die-hard Frasier fans read it at the time and thought I had captured the essence of the show.

      • Marlapaige said,

        I haven’t seen frasier in forever, so I think it will be fun to see it in my head like that. Is Lilith in it by any chance? She was my favorite character in both Cheers and Frasier even though she only was on like two episodes of the latter.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Lilith doesn’t make a personal appearance in the episode but she is mentioned in a statement by Niles.

      • Marlapaige said,


      • Dracul Van Helsing said,


      • Marlapaige said,


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