Pan Goatee’s Horrible Day of Spring

April 29, 2021 at 10:32 pm (Aesthetics) ()

Genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee (whose serial killing hobby was killing ugly looking women) had recently moved to a new neighbourhood.

So far he hadn’t seen any ugly looking women in the neighbourhood which was good.

And he especially hadn’t seen that most obnoxious creature of all- the fat ugly blimp.

But Pan Goatee’s luck was about to run out.

Goatee was approaching the neighbourhood’s central street from the west.

He was approaching a three way intersection.

Some weirdo (who looked like he had crawled out of a 1960s movie about psychedelics using beach bums) heading south was sitting on a huge bicycle with a long wide minature carriage in tow behind him and hogging up the entire sidewalk.

The weirdo was waiting for the light to change.

Goatee couldn’t get by him to head north because the bum and his contraption were hogging up the entire sidewalk.

“You’re hogging up the entire sidewalk,” Goatee pointed out as he removed his astral laser machete from his belt and beheaded the inconsiderate asshole.

He then threw the psychedelics using beach bum and his head and body and bicycle and towed carriage into a passing garbage truck with the logo MIKE’S FAST AND EASY GARBAGE REMOVAL.

“Thanks, Mike,” Goatee shouted after the truck.

The satyr then head north where he walked to the neighbourhood shopping mall.

He entered a drug store.

Now so far in the time he had been in this neighbourhood they had had only beautiful looking women working as clerks in the drug store.

Tonight however they had a fat ugly blimp working at the cash till.

Even though she was wearing a mask (as mandated by the Coviet Union following local city council), one could still tell that the repulsive looking creature was a fat ugly blimp.

The blimp behind the mask (a terrifying 2021 dystopian version of that old 1936 British mystery film The Man Behind The Mask).

A very long haired and long bearded man who looked like he was an outlaw biker drug dealer bought a whole bunch of lottery tickets from the blimp behind the mask.

Goatee decided not to purchase anything from the store on this particular evening.

The fat ugly blimp behind the mask had finished the lottery ticket purchase for the outlaw biker drug dealer and was emerging from behind the cash till trying to walk in front of Pan Goatee.

“I’m afraid even wearing a mask doesn’t hide the ugliness of your fat ugly blimp face,” Goatee commented as he beheaded the fat ugly blimp with his machete.

A group of blimp eating nanites from Hell then arrived on the scene to eat the remains of the fat ugly blimp behind the mask’s head and body.

Goatee then headed to the Dollarama Store next door.

Where fortunately for Pan, the clerk in that store was a beautiful looking woman.

So Goatee bought a couple of bottles of Pepsi and exited the store.

As he walked outside, he noticed the man who looked like he was an outlaw biker drug dealer standing there alongside an expensive looking sports car with the car door open and standing there counting his lottery tickets.

“If you look like an outlaw biker drug dealer, gamble like an outlaw biker drug dealer, and own an expensive sports car like an outlaw biker drug dealer, chances are you’re an outlaw biker drug dealer,” Goatee remarked as he beheaded the man, “we can’t have trash like you cluttering up the neighbourhood.”

Goatee then started to walk home.

He came to the three way intersection where he had beheaded the psychedelics using beach bum inconsiderate asshole earlier.

At that intersection on the west side of the street was a small grocery store, a Fish and Chips restaurant that charged outrageously high prices for Fish and Chips (so Goatee never ate there), a liquor store and a closed Asian massage parlour.

Unlike Gavin Newsom’s California or Atlanta Georgia (where homicidally inclined sex addicts are called “racists”), sex trafficking gang owned Asian massage parlours were not allowed to open in these Coviet Union Covid times in this city.

On the lawn in front of the tiny four store complex were 3 picnic tables.

Since the province’s fat slob Fascist Premier had once again closed in-door dining in restaurants (on orders of the province’s ugly female health “expert” well versed in the dynamics of the global Coviet Union seeking to turn Earth into one vast prison house) but allowed outdoor dining, the “charge an arm and a leg for expensive and undoubtedly lousy fish and chips restaurant” had set up three picnic tables on the lawn thinking this qualified as “outdoor dining”.

A couple who looked like honest bikers sat there at one picnic table eating what looked to be the smallest order of fish and chips (because that was the cheapest) with their motorcycles parked behind them.

At another picnic table, another fat ugly blimp behind a mask (with obviously more money than brains) sat gazing down at her massive six plate order of fish and chips looking confused and somewhat dumbfounded.

No doubt this fat ugly blimp behind the mask is wondering how she can eat those expensive six plates of fish and chips with her mask on, Goatee thought to himself.

Goatee took out his astral laser machette and approached her, “You know wearing a mask doesn’t help. You still look like a fat ugly blimp even behind the mask. You’re the second fat ugly blimp I’ve encountered this evening. Which makes you the second fat ugly blimp I’ve encountered this month. Inconsiderate fat ugly blimps such as yourself have to go and make T.S. Eliot’s quote “April is the cruelest month” right. I would have preferred it if for once Eliot had turned out to be wrong. But no you fat ugly blimps who have probably never heard of T.S. Eliot have to go and make Eliot right.”

Goatee then beheaded this second fat ugly blimp behind the mask.

Once again blimp eating nanites from Hell arrived to eat Fat Ugly Blimp Behind The Mask #2’s head and body.

And the expensive fish and chips on the picnic table remained uneaten.

For there was no airheaded fat ugly blimp behind the mask alive to eat them.

Assuming of course she had figured out that she should really take off her mask to eat them.

All of those uneaten fish and chips were testament to one vast desolate wasteland.

The kind of which that T.S. Eliot used to write about.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday April 29th


  1. Kritika said,

    I guess the number of fat ugly blimps is reducing.

  2. Hyperion said,

    It does appear that Pan has a fairly normal neighborhood to hang out and get some good exercise. I hope the batteries in his astral laser don’t give out as this could cause considerable anxiety.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Yes, the batteries in his astral laser machete giving out could cause a heart attack for Pan Goatee. πŸ–€πŸ’”πŸ

      • Hyperion said,

        I’ll bet Pan carries an extra battery in his sheep skin pants pocket. He does seem to always be prepared when meeting unsavory characters.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes, a satyr who follows the Boy Scouts motto, “Be prepared.”

      • Hyperion said,

        It’s a good motto. I was a scout and then amorous adventures took me away from my teaching. Another good motto would be argh! Life happens when you least expect it, so expect it.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        That would indeed be a very good motto.

      • Hyperion said,

        I’ll use it often.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,


  3. blackwings666 said,

    Thanks for posting – new picture too!

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      You’re welcome.

      • blackwings666 said,

        Hey Dracul – If puzzled about this comment – It seems I accidentally posted my comment on the wrong site – just thought I would clear that up – thanks for posting your stories as well!

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        I thought maybe it was WordPress and not you.

        WP today botched up one of my comments on the blog of a friend of mine.

        And another friend of mine couldn’t post his comments on my blog.

  4. Sherry V.H said,

    Can you imagine what can he do if there are only beautiful women all around the world and none the ugly ones? Pan Goatee will go retire! LOL

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