Pan Goatee’s Ongoing Aesthetic Crusade: Beheading More Fat Ugly Blimps

July 18, 2021 at 10:47 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) ()

“Why didn’t you kiss the waiter at that hotel?”

-Edward Carson, lawyer for the Marquess of Queensbury at Oscar Wilde’s first trial while cross-examining Oscar Wilde.

“Because he was too ugly.”

-Oscar Wilde under cross-examination in answer to Carson’s question at his first trial.

If Oscar Wilde was going through the DC part of his AC/DC “this door swings both ways” personality and he was alive and well and living in Calgary, Alberta, Canada today, he would not be kissing too many women as many of the women of Calgary were all quite repulsively ugly.

Many of them fat ugly blimps.

As it was, it was genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee (whose serial killing specialty was killing ugly looking women) who had the misfortune of living in Calgary who was forced to come face-to-face with these repulsively ugly hideous looking abominations.

Today as Goatee was walking to his neighbourhood shopping center and standing at a four corner intersection, he noticed a hideously fat ugly blimp standing on the other side of the intersection.

As Goatee barfed all over the place sending several motor vehicles plunging downstream to the nearby Trans-Canada Highway (closing it for several hours), he finally managed to regain his composure.

“It’s a good thing my astral laser machete acts as a boomerang,” Goatee said aloud.

He sent his astral laser machete flying across the street whereupon it promptly lopped off the fat ugly blimpo’s head.

“Splendid! Splendid!” Shouted the ghost of Citizen Robespierre standing at that intersection.

The machete then returned to Pan Goatee.

The uglocidally inclined satyr then sent the machete back again whereupon it promptly cut up the fat blimpy uglo’s body into 999 trillion pieces.

“Splendid! Splendid!” Shouted the ghost of King Henry VIII as he ate a ghostly spectral 32 ounce steak.

A couple of hours later, Pan Goatee was on his way back home from another neighbourhood shopping centre.

As he crossed the street and turned in the direction of his house, he was horrified to see a fat ugly blimp coming right at him.

The fat ugly blimp waved at him.

“What makes you think I’d wave back at someone as fat and ugly as you are?” Goatee commented as he lopped off the fat ugly blimp’s head and kicked it down a nearby sewer.

“Splendid! Splendid!” Shouted the ghost of Citizen Louis Antoine de Saint-Just as he stood across the street.

Goatee then cut up the fat ugly blimp’s hideously fat ugly body into 999 trillion pieces.

“Splendid! Splendid!” Shouted the curator of the Jack the Ripper Museum as he stood eating a hot fudge sundae at the corner.

Genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee:
Ridding the world of fat ugly blimps one fat ugly cow at a time.
They particularly crawl and waddle out of the woodwork during Calgary Stampede week.

. . .

Zeus (speaking to his wife Hera on Mount Olympus): I hope Pan Goatee is able to successfully bump off all the ugly women in Canada soon. I haven’t been able to visit Canada in ages.

Hera: May I remind you that the gods and goddesses of Olympus are still pissed off at Pan Goatee for lopping off the head of the goddess Hecate when she was in her ugly crone form.

Zeus: Oh, that’s right. Where was Hecate’s head buried again?

Hera: Under the central High Altar of Saint Peter’s Basilica in Rome on Pope Francis’ orders several years ago.

. . .

Pope Francis was talking to one of his advisors Cardinal Walter Kasper.

“Have you read the reports coming in from the Diocese of Calgary on all the ugly women being beheaded in that diocese?” Cardinal Kasper asked.

“Am I expected to apologize for that as well as what went on in the Church run Indian residential schools in Canada?” The snarky sounding Pope Francis harrumphed.

“Of course not,” Cardinal Kasper answered as he swatted away Casper the Friendly Ghost, “Although it’s interesting to note that Pan Goatee was released upon the world the same day as you were elected Pope.”

“But I’ve only had good looking athletic looking priests in their early 40s as my papal secretaries and when they get too old and unattractive, I dump them in the same way Donald Trump dumps his ex-wives,” Pope Francis protested.

“Well how about that for a coincidence?” Stated the ghost of late 19th Century British barrister Edward Carson.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday July 18th


  1. George F. said,

    Love that guy!!

  2. tychy said,

    Hmmmmmm, I suspect that Pan Goatee will start to weaken when it comes to the allurements of the fat ladies as he gets older (this happens to everyone, no?).

  3. Tanya said,

    Pan Goatee is my fav super hero cum serial killer. He is one of the most interesting literary character slaying ugly fat women 🙂

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Yes, Pan Goatee is a very interesting literary character. 🙂

      It is interesting to note that he did make his first appearance in my vampire novel series on the day Francis was elected Pope.

      He happened to escape from a broken giant test tube🧪 in a Set Enterprises Laboratories truck (or lorry as they’re called in England) that had crashed in a highway accident in northern England. 🌠🚛

      • Tanya said,

        He indeed is my fav, it will be great to have a novel or a work centered around him. It’s fascinating that he made an appearance on the swearing of pope ( an omen ??) and how he escape from the tube during the crash. It’s marvelous how you connect political and historical events with your characters, it’s a unique talent. Remarkable really ! On a different note how have you been? How’s your new neighborhood?

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Thank you so much, Tanya. 🙂

        Another one of my readers would like to buy a novel centered around Pan Goatee as well.

        It’s been extremely hot and humid in the city all summer with very little rain.

        And the neighbourhod has had most of its roads and sidewalks ripped up and tied up with construction all month making it difficult to walk around.

        My doctor will no doubt be displeased with the fact I haven’t been able to exercise and take a 20-minute walk each day when I see him for my next examination.

      • Tanya said,

        I am an ardent fan of Pan Goatee too, he is my favourite too, it will be a great idea to have a novel around him.
        I did hear about extreme heat in Canada on the contrary here in New England we have been receiving down pours everyday, it’s been almost a month. Ofcourse coming from Dubai it’s a welcome change, after a heat of 122 F. I wonder is it climate change which is leading up to these extreme variations?
        I and exercise have a love-hate relationship, although I do it everyday somehow I’ve never enjoyed it as some people claim to do. I’m always counting minutes and dreaming of pasta 🍝 while exercisingI I don’t know how some people enjoy it so much 😳😳

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes, I’ve never understood how people enjoy exercise so much.😳😳

  4. Marlapaige said,

    I’m sorry for Hectate, but I really like Pan, although his 999 trillion pieces is a little odd for me.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Yes, he seems to have a worse OCD than did the noted early 2000s TV detective Adrian Monk (one of my favourite detectives in the 21st Century).

      • Marlapaige said,

        Monk was an OCD Columbo LOL

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes, he was. 😂

      • Marlapaige said,

        Columbo was my favorite all-time. But specific to 21st century….that is not easy – toss up between Lennie Briscoe and John Munch. Both predated 21st century but still were active during. That’s as good as I can get.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Columbo was my favourite all-time too.

        “Uh, just one more thing, sir, just one more thing…”

      • Marlapaige said,

        The only downside is when you watch it with someone who never watched it before. Peter Falk is still amazing and they get all into it, and then THEY start with the “uh…. just one more thing, Mar. just one more thing…” Makes me want to scream LOL

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        LOL !

      • Marlapaige said,

        OMG You have no idea… I used to watch it with my dad when it was on, and he used to say it to me all the time, or he would say it to my mother when she told him to get away from her after he tormented her. Sure fire way for him to tell him that he wasn’t nearly as sexy as Peter Falk which annoyed him LOL

        My sister is dating a guy that’s older than me and totally should have seen Columbo and Moonlighting but never did. So I convinced them to watch Columbo. He was certain he would hate it. Then we both got to hear “ah…one ore thing” for the next month (he binged it without her). I’ve found it’s entertaining to watch with people who have a clue that’s coming and people who know nothing about it seem to truly think it’s a novel thing and will drive you insane LOL

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        My uncle could impersonate Peter Falk and used to mail me cassette tapes where he did his own Columbo radio shows which were hilarious.

      • Marlapaige said,

        OMG do you still have those? That would be amazing!

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        No, sadly, I don’t.

        He could impersonate several people Boris Karloff, Humphrey Bogart, Bela Lugosi, Peter Lorre, Edward G. Robinson, James Cagney, Wolfman Jack etc.

        He’d put on a lot of faux old time radio shows on these cassette tapes using these characters.

      • Marlapaige said,

        OMG that must be awesome to remember! Sounds like you enjoyed them a lot as a kid, and you’re lucky to have those memories.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Very lucky. 😀

        I think it was listening to those tapes of my uncle where I developed my sense of humour.

      • Marlapaige said,

        Well, I appreciate his radio show then ;D

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,


  5. shєrríє dє vαlєríα said,

    Speaking of hiding the head of Hecate under the central High Altar of Saint Peter’s Basilica in Rome, I am still wondering where did Medusa go to after Perseus used her to kill off the Kraken?

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      I wonder.

      In my vampire novel, Set’s personal archaeologist finds Medusa’s body and then contacts of Dr. Cadbury Rocher find Medusa’s head in the dining room of a Vatican Cardinal.

      Dr. Rocher puts Medusa’s head and body back together again and brings her back from the dead.

      He also uses an Edward Scissorhands robot to get rid of Medusa’s snakey hairstyle.

      Medusa then marries the Kraken who calls himself Napoleon VI.

      • shєrríє dє vαlєríα said,

        Medusa can never die.
        Read an archeology magazine many years ago where there is this one professor had a mission project to find her lost head and body …

        He will be STONED even before he puts her head back. For he is INDEED a MAN …

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        The headlines will read, “Archaeologist Becomes Stoned At Medusa Find”. 😅

      • shєrríє dє vαlєríα said,

        Truly epic! LOL
        Even the camera men got stoned.

        ***Just realized that I cannot post Youtube Video in comment section anymore. Hate it when WordPress take those away as well.***

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes, WordPress are becoming more and more like turkeys these days. 🦃

        We’ll have to eat them for Thanksgiving.

        What was the name of the video you wanted to share, Sherrie?

        Perhaps I can search for it on YouTube.

      • shєrríє dє vαlєríα said,

        It is just a short funny scene of Johnny Depp as a vampire. Something with “STONED”. LOL

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        LOL ! 😅

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