Pan Goatee’s Shopping Season Beheadings

December 12, 2021 at 9:45 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Vampire novel) ()

Genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee was riding a transit bus when a fat ugly blimp and her moronic low IQ boyfriend with a kid in tow in a baby carriage boarded it.

“What the Hell?” Pan Goatee said, “Dr. Anthony Fauci’s abominations to the human genome are still replicating themselves?”.

He threw his astral laser machete like a boomerang and beheaded fat ugly blimp, moronic low IQ boyfriend and ugly moronic progeny.

Later as he was crossing a street, a thin ugly looking stoat walked by so he beheaded her.

Later at a parking lot in front of a Dollarama store, some fool was driving around trying to run over people.

So Goatee threw his astral laser machete and beheaded him.

“This is what happens when you allow these bleeding heart left-lib types to ban guns,” Goatee noted, “Not only can you not then overthrow tyrannical governments as the Australian people are now discovering but if you ban guns, some people just use their motor vehicles to kill people.”

Goatee then went and sat at another bus stop.

A kid who was the spitting image of an 11-year-old Harry Potter set a firecracker off in front of a grocery store.

“That can’t be the real Harry Potter,” Goatee deduced in Sherlock Holmesian fashion, “Harry Potter wouldn’t do something so reckless and irresponsible. That is a Voldemort impersonation.”

Goatee threw his astal laser machete and beheaded the obnoxious irresponsible Harry Potter wannabe.

Dr. Anthony Fauci who was watching all this unfold via his Hermes Trismegistus autographed (on the bottom) crystal ball shouted, “This Pan Goatee is wrecking my plans for the City of Calgary.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday December 12th

Pan Goatee: “Dr. Anthony Fauci is the grinch who wants to steal Christmas this year.”


  1. George F. said,

    The moronic low IQ boyfriends seem to be the ones breeding the fastest.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Yes, that’s very true, George.

      I guess Pan Goatee is going to have to go up and ask every white male in Calgary (since it sems to be primarily the white males who are dating all the uglos. I seem to be the only white male in the city with good taste) if they’re vaccinated.

      If they answer Yes, Pan Goatee can behead them.

  2. Kritika said,

    Enjoyed Pan Goatee’s shopping season beheading spree. 😀

  3. David Redpath said,

    Oh my omicron!
    What a beheading spree 🧟🧟‍♀️🧟‍♂️
    It looks like a blood red Christmas
    courtesy of Pan Goatee 😎

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Yes, David, this is how you deck the halls with boughs of holly when you don’t have any berries coloured red to begin with. 🎄

      • David Redpath said,

        Don’t go giving Pan Goatee
        any Yuletide decoration ideas,
        or he’ll be hanging who knows what
        from Galgary’s Chistmas trees 🔴🔴

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Very true. 🔴🔴

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