Mistress of The Dark
Greek goddess Aphrodite filling in for vintage horror movie TV show hostess Vampira on a summer evening in Los Angeles in 1954
Vampira hosted a vintage horror movie TV show on the Los Angeles ABC TV affiliate KABC-TV from 1954 to 1955.
It was a summer evening in 1954 and Vampira had come down with laryngitis.
How was she to host her show tonight?
It was fortunate for Vampira that her drinking companion that night was the Greek goddess Aphrodite.
Aphrodite volunteered to fill in for her.
The scene now switches to a Los Angeles home where 8-year-old Henry a rather precocious boy used to go downstairs to the living room while his parents were asleep and turn on the family black and white TV on low volume and watch The Vampira Show on late night TV.
Tonight he was doing the same again.
The show’s announcer announced, “Regrettably Vampira is unable to host the show tonight…”
“Awwww…” said Henry.
“However Aphrodite is going to fill in for her and here’s Aphrodite…”
“Yay,” said Henry when he saw her.
Henry didn’t think much of the movie being shown but he did like the scenes where Aphrodite gave commentary.
Having divine sight, the goddess saw the psychopathic clown that had entered Henry’s family home and was holding a knife over Henry as the boy sat on the floor in front of the television.
She grabbed the vampire stake from inside the movie being shown and putting her hand through the TV screen in the living room staked the psychopathc clown to death.
“Wow, cool,” Henry enthused.
His mother was not so enthusiastic when she saw the mess on the living toom floor the next morning.
Henry was unable to sit down comfortably for the next week.
-A short story
and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday June 30th
2022.
Dancing With The Devil In The Pale Moonlight
Sastache was a minor demon in the hierarchy of Hell.
He was wondering how he could become a major demon.
He followed Krampus around.
Krampus picked up the remains of genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee’s victims.
Tonight as Pan Goatee boarded a bus, he noticed a repulsive ugly looking woman and her moronic looking IQ boyfriend sitting on the bus.
So he beheaded them both and cut them up into 999 trillion pieces each.
Another ugly looking woman boarded the bus at the next stop and Goatee likewise beheaded that uglo and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.
Krampus carried all the remains back to Hell.
Sastache decided he would not like that job.
Earlier in the day, he had followed the demon Baal around.
Baal was present when Jorge Mario Bergoglio (aka Pope Francis) blessed Nancy Pelosi at a meeting between the pair.
Later Nancy Pelosi received Communion at a Mass presided over by Pope Francis.
Sastache decided that he did not like Baal’s job.
As it seemed to involve associating with octogenarian old fools.
He then followed Mephistopheles.
Mephistopheles was currently working with Asclepius the Greek god of medicine and Dr. Johann Georg Faust in producing antidotes to the Covid-19 virus.
Their latest work was Paxlovid which was Pfizer’s new Covid-19 antiviral pill.
The pill was given to the quadruple vaccine boostered Dr. Anthony Fauci who promptly got Covid as a result.
The so-called Paxlovid rebound had happened to other patients as well.
And so U.S. taxpayers were now on the hook for $10.5 billion in financing the experimental treatment under a deal that Pfizer cut with the administration of senile old fool Joe Biden.
Sastache decided that he did not like Mephistopheles’ job as it meant dealing with octogenarian fools like Dr. Anthony Fauci and septuagenarian old fools like Joe Biden.
Sastache decided that he’d dress up like Jack Nicholson’s portrayal of The Joker in the 1989 Tim Burton film Batman and climb up to the top of the Sears Tower now called the Willis Tower in Chicago (because that great lover of demons Blase Cardinal Cupich the Archbishop of Chicago said he could use the publicity) and say, “Have you ever danced with the Devil in the pale moonlight?”.
Sastache stood quietly atop the ex-Sears Tower and waited for an answer.
-A vampire novel chapter
Written
Wednesday June 29th
2022
Ivana Petrovka and Howard Hughes
Russian Soviet KGB agent Ivana Petrovka in 1958
In 1958, it had come to the attention of Soviet leader Nikita Khrushchev that the eccentric American business tycoon, inventor and film producer Howard Hughes had come up with a design for a flying boat that was even bigger and faster than Hughes’ original flying boat the Hughes H-4 Hercules (also known as the Spruce Goose).
Although construction had not yet begun on the craft, it was rumoured that Howard Hughes had personally done a detailed composite sketch of the futuristic plane that was designated the Hughes H-6 Hercules and nicknamed the Casanova Goose.
The Soviet Politbureau were anxious to get their hands on the sketch and produce a flying boat.
Their best way of getting through to Hughes, Khrushchev was told, was through a beautiful woman.
And so KGB agent Ivana Petrovka was sent to seduce Howard Hughes.
Naturally Hughes succumbed to Ivana’s charms.
When Hughes woke up the next morning, he discovered that he was alone in bed and his detailed composite sketch (the only one in existence) of the Hughes H-6 Hercules Casanova Goose was gone.
The billionaire became so depressed that he stayed at a film studio near his home for four months.
He stayed in the studio’s darkened screening room and didn’t leave.
He ate only chocolate bars and chicken and drank only milk.
And undoubtedly went on to suffer the worst case of constipation in all recorded history.
. . .
“It’s a relief,” said Joe Biden as his Depends diapers exploded at the G-7 summit in Schloss Elmau, Germany.
And Canada’s Neo-Stalinist tyrant Justin Trudeau found himself covered in what he was personally full of.
. . .
The London based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set was sitting at the desk in his study at his colossal West London mansion Estate.
He was examining a Set Enterprises Intelligence Unit report from Russia.
Apparently the Kremlin had just built themselves a flying boat based on a prototype sketch that Howard Hughes had made that had been stolen by a beautiful female Russian Soviet KGB agent 64 years ago.
Now his agents in Moscow were trying to determine what use Vladimir Putin intended for the flying boat.
Set turned his attention to his newspapers where among the headline items he had circled was the tragic deaths of at least 51 migrants in a tractor trailer truck that was left sweltering and abandoned on a remote back road in San Antonio, Texas.
Set was planning to send Intelligence Units to both Texas and Mexico to find who was ultimately responsible.
Back on October 23rd 2019, 39 Vietnamese migrants (31 men and 8 women) were found dead in the refrigerator trailer of a lorry in Grays, Essex, United Kingdom.
Set had ordered the Set Enterprises Intelligence Unit to find out who was ultimately responsible.
The human smuggling operation was ultimately part of a series of criminal operations controlled by a billionaire who gave the public persona of being as pure as the driven snow.
The billionaire had disappeared in October 2019.
Fate unknown.
The truth was Set (after reading the Set Enterprises Intelligence Unit report on the matter) had invited the criminal billionaire to London to discuss an investment deal.
Set then locked the man in a refrigerator unit down at Set Enterprises for a 24-hour period.
Later the man was removed and his body de-thawed.
The body was then ripped to shreds by the claws of the Set Estate’s ferocious guard cat Nefertiti Galore.
Set fired off the directives to his Intelligence Unit teams on the ground in Texas and Mexico.
He then arranged for the purchase of a used tractor trailer truck that would be parked in the Mojave Desert in California.
And dirigibles on stand-by to fly those ultimately responsible for the migrant deaths in San Antonio to the Mojave Desert where they would enjoy the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s Hotel California hospitality.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday June 28th
2022.
Aztec Vampire Princess Qonzilqointec Not Impressed With Nancy Pelosi
The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec
The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec had been invited to the swearing-in ceremony of Rep. Mayra Flores (Republican- Texas 34th Congressional District) the first Mexican-born woman to be elected to the U.S. House of Representatives.
Rep. Flores had won a June 14th Special Election in the district (the Democratic incumbent had resigned his seat) giving Republicans control of a house seat long held by Democrats.
Rep. Flores’ swearing-in had happened last Tuesday June 21st 2022.
During the swearing-in ceremony, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi had elbowed Rep. Flores’ young daughter to the side during a photo-op.
The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec was definitely not impressed with Nancy Pelosi’s actions.
“What a bitch,” Qonzilqointec was heard to say.
“Do you mean witch?” A reporter asked.
“Both,” Qonzilqointec answered.
In a podcast, British MP Renfield R. Renfield had remarked, “If the world wasn’t aware what a scumbag Nancy Pelosi is before, it should be aware of it now.”
. . .
Senile old fool Joe Biden was sitting at his Oval Office desk and wondering when the Age of Aquarius would begin.
“Remember that late 1960s rock musical Hair had a song about the dawning of the Age of Aquarius,” Biden reminisced to his pot smoking cactus plant Sweet Dementia, “When is the Age of Aquarius supposed to begin? Or has it begun already? Or will it begin soon?”.
Sweet Dementia did not answer but continued to exhale marijuana smoke.
“Speaking of hair,” Biden mused aloud, “I wonder what a vampiress’ hair smells like?”.
“You’re never going to find out, you pervert,” a vampire bat commented as it flew by the Oval Office window.
. . .
The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec used the Nikola Tesla invented teleporter hidden in plain sight on top of the Washington Monument Obelisk to teleport to Rome.
She landed at the top of the Vatican Obelisk in Rome and then flew to the Vatican apartments of Samhain Cardinal Salaman with whom she had a pre-arranged meeting.
“What is it you wish to see me about?” Qonzilqointec inquired.
“Do you know any demons?” Samhain Cardinal Salaman asked.
“I know a few,” Qonzilqointec nodded, “Why do you ask?”.
“Because Pope Francis in his working Vatican Synod document entitled Walking Together On Synodality says “The merciful heart loves demons” and I’d like to know what demons think of this new papal pronouncement,” Cardinal Salaman explained.
Outside the Vatican apartment window of Samhain Cardinal Salaman, the cigarette smoking demon Asmodeus sang (while the little green frog Nimrod played the harmonica), “This is the dawning of the Age of Aquarius…”
“Where’s the sunshine?” sang an evil and stupid vampire named Count Justin who burst into flames when the Cosmos answered his musical request.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday June 22nd
2022.
The Nightmare Sunday From Hell: Pan Goatee Encounters Three Fat Ugly Blimps
The day Pan Goatee gets a paid plane ride out of Calgary
Alas! today was not to be that day.
The day started with the world-famous genetically created satyr serial killer getting a visit from the apparitions of the Norse trickster god Loki (who had recently been killed by one of the Greek god Zeus’ thunderbolts but sadly had been brought from the dead by the evil mad scientist Dr. Anthony Fauci), Dr. Anthony Fauci (the resurrection saviour of Loki and evil mad scientist who after overseeing experiments where beagles’ faces are eaten by desert sand flies was now blowing $478,188 in U.S. taxpayers’ money to turn monkeys transgender) and Nancy Pelosi (who had always been a big admirer of Loki not to mention every other evil supernatural entity in the Cosmos).
As Dr. Anthony Fauci and Nancy Pelosi quietly sang a duet in the background I’ll Give You An Abortion A Day, Dear (to the tune of the old Irish Rovers song I’ll Give You A Daisy A Day, Dear), Loki told Pan, “Just as Jacob Marley warned Scrooge he was sending three spirits on a certain night, so I warn you I’ll be sending three fat ugly blimps in your direction today…”
The holographic image making machine in Washington DC that was sending the three holographic images to Pan Goatee’s place was suddenly destroyed by an explosion that originated in Joe Biden’s Depends diapers in the Oval Office of the White House.
As the hologram making machine was capsized by a tsunami of brown, MAD Magazine’s satirical title on the film The Poseidon Adventure which was The Poopside Down Adventure took on a whole new meaning.
Meanwhile Pan Goatee had gone for a walk.
As he walked on top of a hill, he saw below him two fat people.
One was a fat boy and the other his fat ugly blimp sister.
“Ah two morons who follow the North American athletic lifestyle which is fast food eating and being a couch potato,” Goatee remarked as he first beheaded the fat ugly blimp and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.
He then did the same to her fat brother.
Two minutes later as Goatee approached a traffic light, he encountered another fat ugly blimp who was crossing the street.
“What another fat ugly blimp within the space of two minutes?” Goatee moaned, “Are Joe Biden’s Depends diapers explosions creating a multi-trillion assembly line of fat ugly blimps? Is Loki dousing them with white vanilla topping?”.
The questions which sounded like the questions asked in a 1990s newsletter of Texas conspiracy theorist Texe Marrs went unanswered by the universe as Pan Goatee beheaded the fat ugly blimp and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.
The rest of the day went by without Goatee encountering any fat ugly blimp.
That is until he went into a grocery store where all of the grocery tills were manned by uglos.
The one till that was manned by a beautiful woman, the ugliest of the store’s uglo clerks which was naturally a hideous repulsively ugly fat ugly blimp was standing in the line to the till yapping her fat ugly head off (the fat ugly blimp had obviously abandoned her own grocery till post).
Goatee was so angry that he immediately beheaded the fat ugly blimp and cut her up into 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trilluon x 999 trilliin x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillions x 999 trillion x infinity and beyond x 999 trillion x infinity ad nauseum x 999 trillion etc. etc.
Coincidentally at that moment the great Irish-Jewish American science-fiction writer George Finneganburg was reading a book on Quantum Physics and Black Holes to a group of elementary school children at a public library.
“This black hole which one must definitely a-void is trillions and trillions of miles across,” Finneganburg noted.
One 6-year-old boy was not impressed with Finneganburg’s reading (the boy would probably grow up to be a creative writing instructor at a community college).
“What happened to Drag Queen Story Reading Hour?” The brat demanded to know as he held up a Dr. Anthony Fauci personally autographed copy of the new children’s book Transgenderly Curious George.
The book ended with the sentence, “The newly curious Georgette slipped on a banana peel and ended up ruining her new $50,000 House of Chanel outfit.”
The 6-year-old admirer of Dr. Anthony Fauci’s new children’s book found himself being beheaded by another boy whose boyhood hero was Pan Goatee.
At that moment another pair of Joe Biden’s Depends diapers exploded in the Oval Office of the White House.
This time the tsunami struck the Speaker’s Chair in the House of Representatives.
Nancy Pelosi would have to buy herself a number of new brown outfits to match the new colour of her chair.
In Moscow after a briefing from leading members of Russia’s Foreign Intelligence Establishment, Russian President Vladimir Putin made the deduction that in order to ensure maximum damage from a Russian hypersonic missile attack on America, the missile’s target better be Joe Biden’s Depends diapers.
-A vampire novel chapter
Written by Christopher
Sunday June 26th
2022.
Renfield’s Friday Night Podcast For June 24th 2022
Listening to Renfield’s Friday night podcast in a cafe
British MP Renfield R. Renfield was doing a Friday night podcast for today June 24th 2022.
Said Renfield, “Today we have some camera footage of the news rooms of the Antonio Gramscian cultural Marxist Neo-Bolshevik Communist New York Times, Washington Post and CNN right at the moment that the U.S. Supreme Court made a historic decision…”
The cameras show reporters and editors (men, women and those who are gender confused and pronoun paranoid) suddenly getting their panties into a knot and unable to move.
“Help,” all the journalists in these newsrooms shouted, “We’ve got our panties in a knot and we can’t move. Where’s the sword of Alexander the Great so we can cut all the Gordian Knots in our panties?”.
On a YouTube livestream of those Far Left young idiots and airheads known as the Young Turks, the airheaded female co-host was having a total mental breakdown.
She had already freaked out once before when the U.S. Supreme Court decision was preemptively leaked.
Now she was foaming at the mouth and gnashing her teeth before totally spontaneously combusting into flames and suddenly being eaten by a mini black hole 8 inches in diameter by 8 inches in diameter.
“What a small void,” Cactus O’ Void the talking and pipe smoking Irish cactus plant (genetically created by Set Enterprises’ Dr. Cadbury Rocher) remarked as he watched the livestream, “Where’s that black hole that’s trillions of miles in length and trillions of miles in width?”.
Nancy Pelosi appears wearing Justin Trudeau blackface and a coal dildo taped to the front of her pants in order to make a statement.
Concluded Renfield, “Now that the U.S. Supreme Court has made its decision, it can now be expected that demon possessed worshippers of Baal and Baphmet will be committing a summer of murder, mayhem and arson in response to today’s Supreme Court decision.”
-A vampire novel chapter
Written by Christopher
Friday June 24th
2022.
A Midsummer Night’s Nightmare: Pan Goatee Sees Uglos, Uglos and More Uglos
“Was the name of this restaurant in your photo here… the Orient Crow or the Orient Crown?” Pan Goatee’s accountant asked Pan Goatee.
“I can’t remember,” Pan Goatee answered his accountant just before beheading him.
The satyr was expecting a bigger tax refund this year but his accountant had screwed up.
Goatee left the coffee shop which was playing the latest podcast from British MP Renfield R. Renfield.
Renfield finished his podcast with these words, “I renounce Congresswoman Liz Cheney as Christ’s enemy and Antichrist.”
Goatee thought if he ever went down to Washington DC, Liz Cheney’s head would be quite literally rolling down the aisles of Congress.
The satyr approached a strip mall he had never been to before.
He walked down the sidewalk when a fat ugly blimp walked out of one of the establishments and stood on the sidewalk shooting her big fat ugly old mouth off about something or other.
Goatee beheaded the fat ugly blimp and cut her up into 999 trillion x infinity and beyond pieces.
He noticed the establishment she had walked out of was a laundromat.
“If you had had any brains,” Goatee remarked, “You’d have put your face in the washing machine to see if it would have improved it.”
Goatee then went to another mall where a thin looking uglo was walking down the street wearing a pair of men’s plaid checkered bellbottom pants from the 1970s.
“They were bad taste in the ’70s and they’re even in worse taste today,” Goatee commented as he beheaded and dismembered the uglo looking dyke who obviously self-identified as a man with lousy taste in men’s fashions.
Goatee then ran into a fat uglo carrying six icream cones and 6 large Cokes.
“Eating light today are we?” Goatee beheaded the fat uglo and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.
Goatee then caught a bus home.
He walked the block back to his house when he encountered an uglo looking girl who had an intense expression of both ugliness and stupidity on her face.
“Well we know where you obviously were when the human gene pool hit rock bottom,” Goatee explained as he beheaded the uglo and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.
At home Goatee watched the news where it said the inflation rate in Canada was now the highest it had been in 40 years.
“This is all Justin Trudeau’s fault because during the plandemic, he kept pulling money trees out of his ass thinking he could spend his way out of the plandemic,” Goatee thought he should pay a visit to Ottawa since Justin didn’t seem to have a good head on his shoulders.
Goatee thought he’d go to a neighbourhood grocery store.
Alas more uglos! out and about.
He sent his astral laser machete flying through the window of a bus to behead and dismember a fat ugly blimp who had just got on.
He saw another moronic looking uglo walking around so he beheaded and dismembered her as well.
Krampus who was wearing a Hawaiian t-shirt and a pair of Bermuda shorts once again carried the dismembered remains of all the uglos that Pan Goatee slew down to Tartarus.
He dumped the chopped up remains on top of Church of Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard who was busy roasting away on a rotating barbeque spit down in Tartarus.
“Is that a quadbillion pieces yet?” Krampus asked the screaming Hubbard.
How much did Old Mother Hubbard keep in her cupboard?
-A vampire novel chapter
and midsummer nightmare
Written Wednesday
June 22nd
2022.
Reflections On The Summer Solstice 2022 – What I’d Really Like To See This Summer
I’d like to be like the hero
In a Jane Austen novel
Meeting my very own
Jane Austen heroine
A summer of romance, witticisms and love
-A poem and summer wish
Written by Christopher
Tuesday June 21st
2022.
Winter Night Reflections On The Eve Before Summer Solstice
It was a winter’s night
But not a cold winter’s night
There was snow on the ground
And a frosty feel in the air
But no deep chill
That would chill one to the bone
She put a red shawl on herself
To keep warm
She wore a blue blouse
That was an intense blue
The colour of a deep blue July summer sky
She wore a skirt
That was the colour of the combination
Of those white billowy clouds
And intense dark thunder clouds
Rolling together
And mixing with one another
On a mid-August thunderstorm evening
She sat under a pair of trees
That still had some of the golden leaves of autumn
Clinging to them
And on an adjacent tree
3 beautiful little birds
Singing a joyous song
As if the advent of spring
Was in the air
It seemed as if 4 seasons
Were already present
On this magical
Wonder filled winter evening
The melodies of Antonio Vivaldi’s
The Four Seasons
Drifted through her mind
And a night that had started
With a sense of melancholy
Gave way to a warm
Radiant smile.
-A poem written by Christopher
Monday June 20th 2022.
Sometime
Sometime
She’ll appear
Out of nowhere
In times of stress
In times of anxiety
In a time
When it seems
Life has kicked
You down
Sometime
She’ll appear
Her name is…
Hope.
Sometime she’ll appear
One hopes.
-A poem written by Christopher
Sunday June 19th 2022.
Dracul Van Helsing 
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