A Midsummer Night’s Nightmare: Pan Goatee Sees Uglos, Uglos and More Uglos

June 22, 2022 at 9:29 pm (Aesthetics) ()

“Was the name of this restaurant in your photo here… the Orient Crow or the Orient Crown?” Pan Goatee’s accountant asked Pan Goatee.

“I can’t remember,” Pan Goatee answered his accountant just before beheading him.

The satyr was expecting a bigger tax refund this year but his accountant had screwed up.

Goatee left the coffee shop which was playing the latest podcast from British MP Renfield R. Renfield.

Renfield finished his podcast with these words, “I renounce Congresswoman Liz Cheney as Christ’s enemy and Antichrist.”

Goatee thought if he ever went down to Washington DC, Liz Cheney’s head would be quite literally rolling down the aisles of Congress.

The satyr approached a strip mall he had never been to before.

He walked down the sidewalk when a fat ugly blimp walked out of one of the establishments and stood on the sidewalk shooting her big fat ugly old mouth off about something or other.

Goatee beheaded the fat ugly blimp and cut her up into 999 trillion x infinity and beyond pieces.

He noticed the establishment she had walked out of was a laundromat.

“If you had had any brains,” Goatee remarked, “You’d have put your face in the washing machine to see if it would have improved it.”

Goatee then went to another mall where a thin looking uglo was walking down the street wearing a pair of men’s plaid checkered bellbottom pants from the 1970s.

“They were bad taste in the ’70s and they’re even in worse taste today,” Goatee commented as he beheaded and dismembered the uglo looking dyke who obviously self-identified as a man with lousy taste in men’s fashions.

Goatee then ran into a fat uglo carrying six icream cones and 6 large Cokes.

“Eating light today are we?” Goatee beheaded the fat uglo and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.

Goatee then caught a bus home.

He walked the block back to his house when he encountered an uglo looking girl who had an intense expression of both ugliness and stupidity on her face.

“Well we know where you obviously were when the human gene pool hit rock bottom,” Goatee explained as he beheaded the uglo and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.

At home Goatee watched the news where it said the inflation rate in Canada was now the highest it had been in 40 years.

“This is all Justin Trudeau’s fault because during the plandemic, he kept pulling money trees out of his ass thinking he could spend his way out of the plandemic,” Goatee thought he should pay a visit to Ottawa since Justin didn’t seem to have a good head on his shoulders.

Goatee thought he’d go to a neighbourhood grocery store.

Alas more uglos! out and about.

He sent his astral laser machete flying through the window of a bus to behead and dismember a fat ugly blimp who had just got on.

He saw another moronic looking uglo walking around so he beheaded and dismembered her as well.

Krampus who was wearing a Hawaiian t-shirt and a pair of Bermuda shorts once again carried the dismembered remains of all the uglos that Pan Goatee slew down to Tartarus.

He dumped the chopped up remains on top of Church of Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard who was busy roasting away on a rotating barbeque spit down in Tartarus.

“Is that a quadbillion pieces yet?” Krampus asked the screaming Hubbard.

How much did Old Mother Hubbard keep in her cupboard?

-A vampire novel chapter
and midsummer nightmare
Written Wednesday
June 22nd


  1. George F. said,

    Pan Goatee is a fucking national hero and he is the solution to over population. Not the virus. Pan. Love what you did with RLH there too!

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Thank you, George. 🙏🏻

      I’ll pass that message on to Pan. 🙂

      • George F. said,

        What I’m learning about RLH and Scientology I couldn’t even make up! Real life is stranger than fiction! My mind is blown!

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes, Hubbard’s life is definitely a stranger than science-fiction tale.

      • George F. said,

        More than life…the church members and the people around him…how they behaved…how they isolated, converted, manipulated others and what they did in the name of religion is astonishing.

      • George F. said,

        Reading about Scientology brings deeper meaning to George Carlin’s famous quote: “Never underestimate to power of stupid people in large groups.”
        BTW. the book you rec’d on Cults is waiting for me at the library! That will expand my mind even further!

  2. George F. said,

    …the power…

  3. Seoul Sister said,

    I love your posts so much 😅! This line especially made me 😂!—“If you had had any brains,” Goatee remarked, “You’d have put your face in the washing machine to see if it would have improved it.” 🤣😂🤣💖

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Thank you so much, Judy. 🙏🏻💖

      Glad you enjoyed Pan’s washing machine line. 😅😂🤣

  4. Janet said,

    I love comment on the 70s plaid bell bottoms LOL. Bad taste indeed. I remember those well. I had a pair or two, but not plaid, no way.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Yes, I remember my dad wore bell bottoms back in the day.

      When he bought a pair of plaid, my mother remarked what bad taste he had. 😂

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