The Nightmare Sunday From Hell: Pan Goatee Encounters Three Fat Ugly Blimps

June 26, 2022 at 10:55 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) ()

The day Pan Goatee gets a paid plane ride out of Calgary

Alas! today was not to be that day.

The day started with the world-famous genetically created satyr serial killer getting a visit from the apparitions of the Norse trickster god Loki (who had recently been killed by one of the Greek god Zeus’ thunderbolts but sadly had been brought from the dead by the evil mad scientist Dr. Anthony Fauci), Dr. Anthony Fauci (the resurrection saviour of Loki and evil mad scientist who after overseeing experiments where beagles’ faces are eaten by desert sand flies was now blowing $478,188 in U.S. taxpayers’ money to turn monkeys transgender) and Nancy Pelosi (who had always been a big admirer of Loki not to mention every other evil supernatural entity in the Cosmos).

As Dr. Anthony Fauci and Nancy Pelosi quietly sang a duet in the background I’ll Give You An Abortion A Day, Dear (to the tune of the old Irish Rovers song I’ll Give You A Daisy A Day, Dear), Loki told Pan, “Just as Jacob Marley warned Scrooge he was sending three spirits on a certain night, so I warn you I’ll be sending three fat ugly blimps in your direction today…”

The holographic image making machine in Washington DC that was sending the three holographic images to Pan Goatee’s place was suddenly destroyed by an explosion that originated in Joe Biden’s Depends diapers in the Oval Office of the White House.

As the hologram making machine was capsized by a tsunami of brown, MAD Magazine’s satirical title on the film The Poseidon Adventure which was The Poopside Down Adventure took on a whole new meaning.

Meanwhile Pan Goatee had gone for a walk.

As he walked on top of a hill, he saw below him two fat people.

One was a fat boy and the other his fat ugly blimp sister.

“Ah two morons who follow the North American athletic lifestyle which is fast food eating and being a couch potato,” Goatee remarked as he first beheaded the fat ugly blimp and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.

He then did the same to her fat brother.

Two minutes later as Goatee approached a traffic light, he encountered another fat ugly blimp who was crossing the street.

“What another fat ugly blimp within the space of two minutes?” Goatee moaned, “Are Joe Biden’s Depends diapers explosions creating a multi-trillion assembly line of fat ugly blimps? Is Loki dousing them with white vanilla topping?”.

The questions which sounded like the questions asked in a 1990s newsletter of Texas conspiracy theorist Texe Marrs went unanswered by the universe as Pan Goatee beheaded the fat ugly blimp and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.

The rest of the day went by without Goatee encountering any fat ugly blimp.

That is until he went into a grocery store where all of the grocery tills were manned by uglos.

The one till that was manned by a beautiful woman, the ugliest of the store’s uglo clerks which was naturally a hideous repulsively ugly fat ugly blimp was standing in the line to the till yapping her fat ugly head off (the fat ugly blimp had obviously abandoned her own grocery till post).

Goatee was so angry that he immediately beheaded the fat ugly blimp and cut her up into 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trilluon x 999 trilliin x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillions x 999 trillion x infinity and beyond x 999 trillion x infinity ad nauseum x 999 trillion etc. etc.

Coincidentally at that moment the great Irish-Jewish American science-fiction writer George Finneganburg was reading a book on Quantum Physics and Black Holes to a group of elementary school children at a public library.

“This black hole which one must definitely a-void is trillions and trillions of miles across,” Finneganburg noted.

One 6-year-old boy was not impressed with Finneganburg’s reading (the boy would probably grow up to be a creative writing instructor at a community college).

“What happened to Drag Queen Story Reading Hour?” The brat demanded to know as he held up a Dr. Anthony Fauci personally autographed copy of the new children’s book Transgenderly Curious George.

The book ended with the sentence, “The newly curious Georgette slipped on a banana peel and ended up ruining her new $50,000 House of Chanel outfit.”

The 6-year-old admirer of Dr. Anthony Fauci’s new children’s book found himself being beheaded by another boy whose boyhood hero was Pan Goatee.

At that moment another pair of Joe Biden’s Depends diapers exploded in the Oval Office of the White House.

This time the tsunami struck the Speaker’s Chair in the House of Representatives.

Nancy Pelosi would have to buy herself a number of new brown outfits to match the new colour of her chair.

In Moscow after a briefing from leading members of Russia’s Foreign Intelligence Establishment, Russian President Vladimir Putin made the deduction that in order to ensure maximum damage from a Russian hypersonic missile attack on America, the missile’s target better be Joe Biden’s Depends diapers.

-A vampire novel chapter
Written by Christopher
Sunday June 26th
2022.

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6 Comments

  1. George F. said,

    Hysterically random and I love the shout out ad nauseum…OMV you know what makes me laugh…you roll everything into one big ball and there it is! All the problems of the day discussed! Transgenderly Curious George would be an appropriate updated title!

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Thank you, my friend. ๐Ÿ˜€

      Yes, Transgenderly Curious George would be an appropriate updated title. ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ’๐Ÿ’ƒ๐Ÿป

  2. Seoul Sister said,

    Your posts always make me laugh, such good medicine. I love your brilliant style! Pelosiโ€™s new brown outfits to match her new hair ha!

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Thank you, Judy. ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป๐ŸŒธ

      I still remember that hilarious photo you posted of Nancy Pelosi politically correctly kneeling for Black Lives Matter and one of her aides had to help her get back up again.

      And your caption was, “Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.” ๐Ÿ˜…๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿคฃ

      • Seoul Sister said,

        Ha! She was wearing dumb red high heels while kneeling and her old bones couldnโ€™t take the pressure. Plus she was a wearing African-inspired cloth to show her ignorance (that particular tribe was the one that sold other black tribes into slavery!) what a dope she is! ๐Ÿ˜…๐Ÿคก๐Ÿ’ฉ

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        LOL ! @ Pelosi wearing the African inspired-cloth of the tribe that sold other black tribes into slavery.

        What a dope! ๐Ÿ˜…๐Ÿคก๐Ÿ’ฉ

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