Pan Goatee Beheads Yet Another Uglo At The Dollar Store

August 2, 2022 at 10:34 pm (Aesthetics, Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, Horror, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Sorcery, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, )

Pan Goatee managed to survive the August 1st long weekend without seeing a single uglo.

But it’s the 2nd day of August and a repulsive looking uglo once again has to put in an appearance in the local dollar store.

Pan Goatee was down at the local Dollar store.

There was once again only one cashier working tonight but that was okay because there was only one person ahead of him and he only had one item.

A bag of potato chips.

But sadly for Pan Goatee, the would-be potato chip purchaser was a total moron.

He did not know how to tap his card on the machine to make a purchase.

5 minutes later the imbecile somehow inadvertently managed to successfully tap the machine and a potato chip purchase was made.

The moron then left the store.

Goatee went up to the cashier and put his bottles of Lemonade and Diet Pepsi down.

Even though there was no other customers an airheaded cashier came and opened up another till.

And lo and behold a repulsive looking uglo (of the thin ugly looking stoat like variety) arrived and got in front of Pan Goatee to head to the newly opened airhead’s till.

The uglo had a female friend with her.

The repulsive looking uglo said in a squeaky squealy high pitched voice to the airheaded cashier, “Did anyone ever tell you that you’re pretty?”.

“Well too bad the same couldn’t be said about you, bitch,” Goatee commented as he beheaded the uglo and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.

He then beheaded the uglo’s friend for being a friend of the uglo.

He then beheaded the airheaded cashier for opening up a new till right at the front of the straight line of cash registers allowing the repulsive looking uglo to get in front of him.

After the satyr finished cutting up the latter two into 999 trillion pieces each, Krampus arrived looking suntanned and burnt to a crisp from his tropical Hawaiian vacation to carry the remains of Pan’s victims down to the fiery flames of Tartarus.

Ares the Greek god of war (who had been filling in for Krampus while the latter was on vacation) had himself now gone on vacation to Taiwan.

Which was a stupid place to be seeing as how Nancy Pelosi was there.

Goatee left the store and happened to spot the moron with the bag of potato chips who had taken so long to figure out how to tap his card on the credit/debit card digital reading machine.

“Because of your bloody goddamned stupidity in trying to figure out how to do something so simple as to tap a card on a machine, I was forced to encounter a repulsive ugly looking woman,” Goatee explained as he beheaded the bag of potato chips carrying imbecile and cut him up into 999 trillion pieces.

When Krampus arrived to pick up the remains of the beheaded and dismembered moronic imbecile, Pan threw the partly eaten bag of potato chips at the Austro-Hungarian and Bavarian demon, “Here, enjoy these. In appreciation of your hard work.”

As Pan Goatee walked down the street, he encountered the Demon Buffalo of Buffalo Lake and now (the recent papally blessed) Lac Ste. Anne.

“I was wondering,” Pan asked the Demon Buffalo, “if you knew who this great Western Grandmother opening up the Circle of Spirits was that was being invoked by Huron-Wendat First Nations shaman Raymond Gros-Louis while satanic AntiPope Francis, his retinue of bishops and cardinals, Neo-Stalinist tyrant Justin Trudeau and Canadian Governor-General Mary Simon all placed their hands on their hearts while she the great Western Grandmother with her Circle of Spirits was being invoked at the Citadel in Quebec City?”.

“Well,” the Demon Buffalo started eating nearby passers-by, “I imagine that the great Western Grandmother who was being invoked is Spider Grandmother who is an important figure in the mythology, oral traditions and folklore of many Native American cultures in the southwestern United States. In Hopi mythology, Spider Grandmother also called Gogyeng Sowuhti can take the shape of an old or timeless woman or take the shape of a common spider in many Hopi stories. When she is in her spider shape, she lives underground in a hole that is like a Kiva. A Kiva is a space used by Puebloans (the Pueblo peoples of the southwest) for rites associated with the kachina (spirit being) system. The kiva is a large room that is circular and underground and generally used for spiritual ceremonies. In the Hopi creation story, Tawa the sun god and Spider Woman (aka Spider Grandmother) the Earth Goddess separate themselves into parts to create other lesser gods, then create the world and its creatures. This is similar to the Zuni creation myth where Spider Grandmother also plays a part. In Navajo mythology, Spider Woman is said to cast her web like like a net to capture and eat misbehaving children. She spent time on a rock aptly named Spider Rock which is said to have turned white from the bones resting in the sun. In the Pueblo tradition, she is called Spider Old Woman. The Spider Woman or Spider Grandmother of the southwestern U.S. tribes is believed to be the same being/entity as the pre-Columbian Teotihuacan Great Goddess because their pictorial representations are the same.”

“Thanks,” Pan said.

“You’re welcome,” the Demon Buffalo belched after having eaten a University of Calgary anthropology professor.

-A vampire novel chapter
written Tuesday August 2nd


  1. David Redpath said,

    Uncle Ernie will need to apologise
    to Ares if his holiday plans end up
    in ruins πŸ’₯ Nancy Pelosi insisted
    on going to Taiwan after Uncle
    Ernie mischievously suggested to
    her that the island of Taiwan
    was the real life island that the
    2005 Ewan McGregor movie πŸŽ₯
    ‘The Island’, was based on.
    Apparently Nancy Pelosi had been
    pestering poor Uncle Ernie for the
    secret to his youthful longevity.
    Obviously he couldn’t deluge the
    truth πŸ™Š so he made up the story
    that they were manufacturing
    clones for spare parts in a top
    secret facility on the island 🏝️
    of Taiwan, and that she could be
    as looking good as Scarlett
    Johansson, rather than a wrinked
    old prune (Uncle Ernie’s words).

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Ah, now we know the reason for Nancy Pelosi’s visit to Taiwan.

      She risks the PRC starting a war so she can look young again. πŸ‘΅πŸ»βž‘πŸ‘©πŸ»

  2. David Redpath said,

    (TYPO – ‘wrinkled’ )

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Yes, you don’t see too many wrinked old prunes these days but you do see plenty of wrinkled old prunes. πŸ™ˆ

  3. David Redpath said,

    (TYPO 2 – ‘Divulge’ not ‘Deluge’)

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Yes, deluge the truth.

      Building an ark called The Good Ship Lollipop the reason Uncle Ernie gave the judge when he absconded with a young girl who was a Shirley Temple lookalike. πŸ›₯

      • David Redpath said,

        Yes, Uncle Ernie loves telling that
        story of how he sunk to the bottom,
        with all hands on deck, aboard his
        Good Ship Lollipop whilst ordering
        another Shirley Temple at the Bar
        Titanic. Uncle Ernie does love to
        exaggerate 🍭😎

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        The result is extreme disappointment for his dates at the end of the night.

        From Uncle Ernie’s boasting, they were expecting a giant cedar and they wound up with a toothpick. 😱

      • David Redpath said,

        When Uncle Ernie told me that
        Nancy Pelosi invited him over
        to ‘Share a tub of Ben & Jerry’s’
        I thought that was a euphemism,
        as he skulked back home like a
        tomcat who’d got the cream,
        singing, “Did the Earth 🌎 move
        for you, Nancy 🎢”.
        Being an old Rastafarians commie
        Uncle Ernie lives Simply Red πŸ‡»πŸ‡³ 😎

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes, Uncle Ernie is simply red.

        Thanks for sharing the video. 😎

  4. voodooville said,

    When IBM entered India in late 1970s, the condition was that companies like Coco-Cola also be allowed to operate.
    The government didn’t like that, so it was only in early 2000s that Coco-Cola and Pepsi entered India.

    Otherwise Indian women like those in south-east Asian countries and even in Sri Lanka, would have looked like portly matrons.
    Swami Agnivesh said that Coke is toilet cleaner, not a drink πŸ™‚

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Yes, apparently Coca-Cola is used as the most effective cleaner to remove rust off hammers and nails so it would probably be pretty effective at cleaning toilets as well. 🚽

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