Carson Cody Albion Private Eye Writes In The First Person

August 21, 2022 at 9:39 pm (Detective story) (, , )

So this woman was sitting in my room when I woke up this morning.

“All your clothes are on,” I said to her.

“And all your clothes are off,” she winked at me.

Damn I hate it when that happens.

“I’m glad to see you’re standing at attention while they play The Star Spangled Banner on the radio,” she smiled.

“Well actually it was the sight of you first thing in the morning that’s made me stand at attention like this,” I answered.

“I was hoping that would be the case,” she smoothed her skirt.

“Do that again,” I said, “and if I was an English nobleman, you’d be able to sing those old Battle Hymn of the Republic lyrics Mine Eyes Have Seen The Glory of The Coming of The Lord.”

“God, you certainly don’t talk like that highly forgettable writer of sasquatch murder mysteries Mister Phil Huston,” her eyes shone like a child’s on Christmas morning.

Needless to say I was rather proud of my North Pole but answered in reply to her comment rather than her eyes, “Thank God for that. But if I ever needed to put myself to sleep rather quickly, it might come in handy to talk and write like Phil Huston.”

“Is there anything you’d like me to do?” The woman asked.

“Yes lie back on the bed and sing Mr. Sandman Bring Me A Dream,” I replied.

“What ever for?” She inquired.

“I want to see who does it better,” I explained, “Me or Neil Gaiman.”

Thirty minutes later she was singing the Carly Simon sung theme song (from the 1977 James Bond film The Spy Who Loved Me) “Nobody Does It Better.”

-A Carson Cody Albion
Detective Story
Written by Christopher
Sunday August 21st
2022.

37 Comments

  1. David Redpath said,

    A nice allegory in the first person, Chris.
    It would seem that Mr. Sandman sent
    sent Carson Cody Albion a wet dream.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      He did. 😎

      • David Redpath said,

        (… there’s an Uncle Ernie update
        on my ‘Like a Rainbow’ comment
        space, as I know you like to keep
        up with his “Cumalita, Drag Queen
        Extraordinaire” exploits, Chris 😎)

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Thanks for letting me know, David.

        When Uncle Ernie eventually ends up being staked through the heart by a vampire hunter who’s also a music and drama critic, Uncle Ernie will have the satisfaction of knowing that while his vampiric immortality has come to an end, he will remain immortalized in the pages of the Dracul Van Helsing vampire novel. 😎

  2. George F. said,

    Well, blew coffee through my nostrils all over my keyboard after reading this unexpected post…love the little white showing as well…that’s always been my downfall…just a suggestive hint is all it takes…
    LOL!

  3. Jessica said,

    Wah, this is so cute and funny. Now off I go to listen to the songs mention here. I missed them and you just reminded me πŸ₯°

  4. Hyperion said,

    An excellent scene of neo noir detective writing Chris. You never cease to surprise me with new style and classics. I dare say this might cause Sam Slade to worry he’s losing his girl to Carson Cody Albion.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Thank you very much, Daniel. πŸ™πŸ»

      Yes, Sam Slade might definitely lose his girl to Carson Cody Albion.

      And he’ll be stuck alone and holding the MacGuffin in whatever film he’s in.

      • Hyperion said,

        Ha ha ha! A McMuffin in one hand and his MacGuffin in the other, ole Sam Slade will curse himself for forgetting his viagra.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        As Carson Cody Albion penetrates the falls of Niagara.

      • Hyperion said,

        This started a jealous one upmanship competition that lasted until Sam Slade had a coronary heart attack when the local working girl accepted his invitation for inhome service.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        His official cause of death was listed as Covid-19 even though he had been sextuply vaccinated.

      • Hyperion said,

        But that mystery is one for another novel about another detective πŸ•΅πŸ» whose immortal Sister has warmed the buns of many a naughty fellow.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        “Come Watson, there’s more than a foot a-game.”

      • Hyperion said,

        LMAO 🀣. I never grow tired of our Sherlockian endeavors.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Indeed not. 🀣

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        And the real cause and circumstances of his death sparked comparisons with the death of Nelson Rockefeller among those who remember the late former U.S. Vice-President.

      • Hyperion said,

        I was always embarrassed for Nelson β€œRockhard” Rockefeller. Later, as I got older, I realized if you gotta go, go with your favorite mistress in a fancy hotel you own. Your memory will live forever in the minds of those who wish to emulate you. As an aside, I’ve read that sex and pooping are common causes of death in the 50-100 age range. Now they have viagra for one and fiber for the other. We can hump, pump, and poop without fear.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Joe Biden better watch out. πŸ’©=πŸ’€

      • Hyperion said,

        Waaaaaaaaa haaa haaaa haaaaaaaa!!!!! One hard blow out in the Ogle Office during the daily scheduled peek-a-boo session could catapult Kamala into a crappy situation.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        And they’ll be calling her a black faced Justin Trudeau in drag.

      • Hyperion said,

        The left and right will immediately find fault with Kamala being sh*t-faced at work. πŸ˜΅β€πŸ’«

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        The only one who will sympathize is Nancy Pelosi who went to Taiwan to tie one on.

      • Hyperion said,

        LOL! I was amused how this Uber liberal fascist grandma could force all of China to spin in circles firing missiles at invisible boogy-ladies for weeks without accomplishing even a mild yawn from sleepy Joe. I’d laugh but I’m aware that we no longer do that to the emotionally and intellectually challenged.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Who now constitute 85% of the population.

      • Hyperion said,

        That’s a scary thought. 85% of the population is old school Maoist whirling dervishes.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Many of them are about the size of Mao in his later years.

        He was one little red book author who didn’t go hungry.

      • Hyperion said,

        LOL! That’s like Rocket Boy Kim. His people are eating grass and chewing shoe leather to stay alive and he is eating gourmet every day.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes, he is.

  5. Mary Chang Story Writer: Inspiration, Creativity, Self-Empowerment said,

    This was hilarious! Oh and nice to check in once in a while on WordPress and read your stories. I also think you’re the only follower I have on the platform…lol…so thank you and grateful for your support. If you ever want to submit a six word photo story to my publication on Medium, please let me know! Just leave me a comment on my submission guidelines from Dracul Van Helsing:) https://medium.com/six-word-photo-story-challenge/submission-guidelines-layout-82c1dd9fc6f7?sk=5d8041c72e69fc8292ab780d9ab6b3fe

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Thank you, Mary. πŸ™πŸ»

      Glad you enjoyed the story. πŸ˜€

      Thank you for the link. πŸ™‚

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