Renfield Gets New Ghost Spirit Advisors For The Next Month
British MP Renfield R. Renfield dreamed that he was playing Peter Lorre’s character in the 1944 film The Mask of Dimitrios.
Renfield was rather enjoying the role as in this particular scene some beautiful dancer was rubbing against him.
He was awakened by the sound of the Set Estate guard cat Nefertiti Galore outside who was tearing apart some foreign intelligence secret agent who had been sent to assassinate Renfield.
After having ripped the assassin to shreds with her sharp feline claws, she was now meowing outside the front door demanding that Athelstan the Estate butler and valet give her a bowl of milk and a plate of tuna as a reward for her efforts.
Renfield got up from his evening nap and went downstairs.
He was shocked to see the ghosts of Orson Welles and Sir Winston Churchill (his supernatural spirit advisors) standing at the front door with their ghostly spectral luggage packed looking like they were ready to leave.
“Are you leaving?” Renfield did not want the duo to go.
“We’re just taking a tour of Europe for a month,” Welles answered as he sipped from a spectral glass of spectral red wine.
“We’ll be back if nothing happens,” Churchill smoked a spectral cigar and sipped a spectral glass of spectral brandy.
“Happens? What might happen?” Renfield inquired.
“That’s the reason why you’re being given a new pair of ghost spirit advisors for the next month,” Welles explained as he let Nefertiti Galore into the house, “Go into the living room and meet your new advisors.”
Renfield did so.
There sitting in one arm chair was the ghost of John F. Kennedy sipping a lime daiquiri and in the other arm chair was the ghost of Nikita Khrushchev downing a bottle of vodka.
It suddenly hit Renfield.
Next month was the 60th anniversary of the Cuban missile crisis.
The closest the world had ever come to a global nuclear war.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday September 30th
2022.
Semiramis At CERN While The Spear of Destiny Goes Missing
Semiramis The Queen of Babylon poses for a photo back in the early 1940s
Semiramis the queen of the City of Babel was standing outside the entrance to the tunnel of the CERN Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland.
The statue of Shiva the Destroyer outside the tunnel came to life and started dancing with Semiramis.
They danced to the 1st Movement of Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata that was being performed by holographic images of Andre Rieu and His Johann Strauss Orchestra.
When the 1st Movement was over, Shiva went back up on top of his pedestal and became a statue again.
Semiramis, on the other hand, still dressed in an elegant evening gown, crawled into the pilot cockpit of an old World War I scarlet Fokker Triplane and flew to Kiev.
“That was my ex-wife,” Nimrod the little green frog mentioned to the cigarette smoking demon Asmodeus as they walked by.
“I know,” Asmodeus lit his 666th cigarette of the day.
Nimrod the little green frog had been Nimrod “the mighty hunter against the Lord” in the Book of Genesis and the builder of the Tower of Babel.
Somehow his body had been found aboard a UFO that had crashed in Arctic Ocean waters just slightly north of Tuktoyaktuk, Northwest Territories, Canada.
His body had been found next to the bodies of dead ET grays.
Nimrod’s body had been taken to DARPA headquarters in the U.S. where it had been dethawed.
The ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith had flown to DARPA headquarters and stolen Nimrod’s body.
She tried to revive Nimrod by kissing him with a magic potion that she had put on her lips.
Nimrod the prince of Babel had been revived but he had been turned into a little green frog as a result of the faulty magic potion on her lips.
“So what’s happened?” Nimrod asked as he licked a black fly ice cream cone.
“Well there have been four leaks on the Russian Nord stream gas pipelines in the Baltic Sea,” Asmodeus switched over to a vaper because Asclepius the ancient Greek god of medicine had recommended that he cut down on cigarette smoking.
“What caused those leaks?” Nimrod asked.
“Well according to the fallen Archangel Mephistopheles whom I ran into at a cigarette and magazine stand in Rome, the Nazi vampire Dr. Eichmann Mengele who has been the Science and Research Director of the American CIA since 1950 ordered their sabotage,” Asmodeus lit his vaper with his lighter.
“Is he telling the truth?” Nimrod finished his cone.
“It’s hard to tell with fallen angels,” Asmodeus burnt his fingers on the lit end of the vaper.
. . .
The curator of the Hofburg Treasure House in the Hofburg Palace in Vienna Austria had just been informed that the Spear of Destiny aka the Spear of Longinus (the lance said to have pierced the side of Christ) had been stolen.
The Spear of Destiny had been seized by Hitler when he took over the city of Vienna in the Anschluss of March 1938.
In the final days of the Third Reich, it wound up in the hands of the Americans and eventually came into the possession of Gen. George S. Patton who returned it to the Hofburg Museum.
“What nation,” the Hofburg Treasure House curator wondered, “had now stolen the Spear of Destiny?”.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday September 29th
2022.
Dr. Marmalade Montague Investigates Causes of Sulphuric Explosions
Dr. Marmalade Montague was a scientist who worked at Set Enterprises in London.
Even though he had no official background in science.
He had owned a bakery in Paris that went out of business during the 2020 plandemic lockdown under the orders of France’s Neo-Vichy tyrant Emmanuel Macron.
Still Marmalade Montague knew more about science than most of the so-called health “experts” who dispensed bad advice by the manure filled truckload during the plandemic of 2020-2021.
Dr. Marmalade Montague’s current project was investigating the causes of sulphurous explosions.
For this purpose he had sent Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun (who was the son of Sophia the Greco-Egyptian Gnostic goddess of wisdom) to the Yellowstone Caldera Supervolcano in Yellowstone National Park to pick up a sample of sulphurous contents bubbling up from the ground.
While Yaldabaoth was there using a baby bottle to pick up a sample from one of the bubbling craters, the crater had a major explosion.
Luckily for Yaldabaoth, being a leprechaun, he was immortal so the explosion didn’t kill him.
However it did put a dent into his plans to spend a night at the Moonlite BunnyRanch in Nevada as he could hardly go into the place smelling like rotten eggs.
The explosion did however kill a sasquatch who was walking by.
The sasquatch was currently in the process of litigation (a major lawsuit) against the man codenamed PH Unbalanced by Britain’s MI-6 Agency and the man considered the world’s most boring author.
The world’s most boring author had written a novel claiming that this sasquatch had murdered the world’s most boring sheriff’s deputy.
The claim was in fact true but what the sasquatch objected to was being written about and included as a character in a novel that was so unbelievably colossally boring.
He hadn’t been able to get a date since the novel was published as most female sasquatch and even a few gay, bisexual and transgendered sasquatch considered him too boring to date.
The sasquatch had gone to a City of Laramie Wyoming law firm to launch a lawsuit against the world’s most boring author PH Unbalanced filing the claim that “being included as a character in the world’s most boring novel written by the world’s most boring author had totally ruined his sex life”.
Now as a result of the sulphurous explosion, the sasquatch was dead.
Yaldabaoth after several months of showering would be able to have a sex life again.
The poor sasquatch being dead could not.
Dr. Marmalade Montague was also investigating the cause of Joe Biden’s sulphurous bowel movements alluded to into final (and end of life) reports written by some of the world’s late top secret agents in spy agencies.
For that, Dr. Marmalade Montague was using the visions of Michelangelo the psychic lobster.
Apparently back on January 28th 2021 (7 days after Biden was inaugurated having successfully stolen the 2020 U.S. Presidential election), senile old Joe had been invited to speak at a United Jewish Appeal dinner in New York City in March of that year.
He was not to be the number one speaker however.
He was to be the number two speaker (which was appropriate for Joe).
The number one speaker was to be the well known Jewish Rastafarian and self described “independent pharmaceutical manufacturer” from Australia known by the popular moniker of Uncle Ernie (assuming of course that Uncle Ernie wouldn’t be in jail in Australia “drummed up on some nefarious charges brought against him by the government” as Uncle Ernie would put it).
The fallen archangel Mephistopheles (who was one of Joe Biden’s 3 supernatural advisors along with Baal and Baphomet) had recommended to Joe that he send someone to try to find the remains of the Gadarene swine at the bottom of the Sea of Galilee and bring them to the U.S. for Joe Biden to eat the remains prior to giving his number two speech to the United Jewish Appeal dinner in New York City.
The Gadarene swine of course had been possessed by the demons known as Legion and had been sent by Jesus Christ into the swine after Jesus had successfully exorcised a man known as the Gadarene demoniac.
The swine then charged into the Sea of Galilee.
Thus acting on orders from Joe Biden, the American Deep State set about to recover the remains of the Gadarene swine at the bottom of the Sea of Galilee.
Israeli Mossad agent Anna Chador to a Tel Aviv based scuba diver: “Would you be able to dive to the bottom of the Sea of Galilee and see if the remains of the Gadarene swine are still down there and if they are to bring them up to the surface?”.
He: Yes.
Unfortunately for Biden and Mephistopheles, those agencies associated with the American Deep State such as the CIA were having a top secret convention at Area 51 (remember this was the time of the plandemic and everything and everyone was supposed to be in lockdown) and the treats at this top secret convention were Australian Uncle Ernie’s independently made pharmaceuticals.
Thus after the convention, the CIA were in no shape whatsoever to go looking for the remains of the Gadarene swine at the bottom of the Sea of Galilee.
However there were plenty of reports of sightings of UFOs and ETs at Area 51 after this convention.
Thus the spaced-out CIA outsourced the mission to the Israeli Mossad.
The task was assigned to one of Israel’s top female agents Anna Chador and after consulting with a Tel Aviv based scuba diver, a deep sea mission was undertaken and the Gadarene Swine were found perfectly preserved at the bottom of the Sea of Galilee.
The bodies were raised from the depths and then flown to Washington DC.
Hell’s Kitchen chef Gordon Ramsay was brought in to cook the remains at the White House.
He made pork chops out of them which he topped with his famous homemade Sriracha laced apple sauce.
Joe Biden ate all of the Gadarene swine pork chops and apple sauce leaving the other guests at dinner hungry and awestruck at the senile old fool’s ravenous appetite.
The Gadarene swine pork chops and apple sauce remained fully stuck in Joe Biden’s intestines and could never be removed (something the fallen Archangel Mephistopheles knew would happen).
The direct result of the Gadarene swine pork chops and Sriracha laced homemade apple sauce being forever stuck in Biden’s intestines would be that he would always have sulphurous explosive bowel movements.
It was fortunate that the New York Chapter of the United Jewish Appeal decided to have their dinner and speeches via Zoom due to the plandemic.
The secret service agents guarding Biden on the night of his United Jewish Appeal Zoom dinner speech were not so lucky.
In an effort to boost the profits of the pharmaceutical manufacturing investments of one Dr. Anthony Fauci, the cause of the secret service agents’ deaths was listed as Covid rather than sulphurous fumes.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday September 28th
2022.
Joe Biden’s Connection To Balor of the Evil Eye
The 3 Fates of Greek Mythology: Do they control humanity’s fate?
Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was having images of NASA attacking an asteroid and then a Chinese naval cruiser and a Russian submarine off the coast of Alaska.
Then he had a vision of the 3 Fates of Greek mythology (the 3 Moirai) cutting a whole bunch of thread.
A massive amount of thread.
Michelangelo started to scream as Gaia burst into flames.
Then he had another vision.
Joe Biden in the Oval Office.
An aide entered.
“Mr. President, the local DC chapter of the Mormon Genealogical Society has been doing research into your family background,” said his aide.
“Genie what?” Asked Biden, “Is that going around rubbing magic lamps and a huge tall entity pops out granting you 3 wishes?”.
“No, Mr. President,” the aide shook his head, “They’ve discovered that you’re a direct descendant of Balor of the Evil Eye who was the leader of the Fomorians (also Fomorii) who are mentioned in numerous Irish myths and legends.”
“Is that a good thing?” Joe Biden sniffed the hair of a voodoo doll who was made in the image of Kamala Harris.
“Possibly, Mr. President,” his aide said, “Anyways Utah Sen. Mitt Romney is going to preside over a special ceremony in a Mormon temple where the spirit of your ancestor Balor of the Evil Eye will be posthumously baptised into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.”
“And does Pope Francis approve of this?” Biden accidentally stapled the doll’s hair together.
A scream came from down the hall.
“Absolutely, the Holy Father absolutely approves,” his aide nodded, “He would attend the ceremony in person himself but that’s his bingo night on the day the ceremony is being held.”
“What a bummer,” Biden said.
Coincidentally at that moment, Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg happened to walk by.
“Does that mean,” a British aide with a classical education asked, “That the President is also descended from the Irish sun-god Lugh since Lugh is the grandson of Balor after Cian (who had his cow stolen by Balor) went to Balor’s home on Tory Island and made out with Balor’s daughter Ethlinn producing Lugh.”
“I’m afraid not,” the American aide shook his head, “In a story not recounted in Irish myths and legends but recorded in the journals of the last Archbishop of Glastonbury (who was beheaded by Mordred and was last seen carrying his head across the lake in a beautiful pea green stone boat that sailed over to the Isle of Avalon there to be buried with Arthur), Balor of the Evil Eye also made out with an ugly looking Greek sea hag called Olyveoyle.”
“He did?” Biden sucked on the nipples of the voodoo doll causing another scream to come from the office down the hall.
“Yes,” the aide nodded, “His one eye, his evil eye popped out when he first saw Olvyeoyle causing the ancient Greeks to call him Popeye. This happened in the Garden of Spinach on the island of Crete. Anyhow Balor fought with a sailor called Brutus Jr. who was the time travelling son of a 1st Century BC Roman Senator for Olyve’s hand. Brutus was stabbed in the backside and died causing his unrequited Spartan male lover to write odes of poetry in Brutus’ honour. Balor and Olyveoyle had a kid called Sweet Pea because he apparently loved eating sweet peas. You’re descended from Sweet Pea.”
“I am?” Biden bit the buttocks of the voodoo doll.
A third scream came from down the hall.
Atropos the 3rd Fate decided that now was the time to cut the thread.
Michelangelo awakened from his dream.
Or was it a vision?
-A vampire novel chapter
Written by Christopher
Tuesday September 27th
2022.
Pan Goatee Slays Uglos On 70th Anniversary of Nixon’s Checkers Speech
It was the 70th Anniversary of Nixon’s Checkers speech.
70 years ago today on September 23rd 1952, then California Sen. Richard M. Nixon gave a speech in order to save his political hide from what was perceived as an impropriety in receiving gifts from donors.
There was the possibility that Nixon might be dropped from the Republican National Ticket as General Dwight David Eisenhower’s Vice-Presidential running mate for the upcoming November 1952 U.S. Presidential election.
So Nixon gave a speech in which he said that he had a dog named Checkers and that his wife Pat had a good Republican cloth coat not a mink coat.
The speech caught the imagination of the American people so thousands sent messages to the Republican National Committee asking that Nixon be kept on the ticket.
He was.
70 years later in honour of the occasion, two black and white Cocker Spaniel dogs were playing checkers on the sidewalk in celebration.
The world famous genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee walked by.
He was always happy to see four legged dogs.
Not so happy to see two legged dogs.
A really pathetic ugly woman walked by wearing a mini skirt.
“With a face like yours, even wearing a mini skirt doesn’t make you more attractive,” Goatee commented as he beheaded the uglo and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.
“There goes my Calgary Legal Aid Defense Lawyer,” a low IQ moron started to weep.
Goatee went into an Asian Specialty Food Store where he enountered another repulsive uglo.
Likewise he beheaded her and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.
“There goes my Calgary Legal Aid Defense lawyer,” a moronic looking man, who still held his mask in one hand (neglecting to put it on) and a gun in the other to rob the place, started to weep.
Goatee beheaded the man and cut him up into 999 trillion pieces.
Then Goatee went to catch the bus.
A fat ugly blimp got off the bus so Goatee beheaded her and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.
A man wearing a raincoat, who was going down the street opening his raincoat and exposing himself, started to weep, “Hey, there goes my Calgary Legal Aid Defense Lawyer.”
In a flash, Goatee beheaded the man and cut him up into 999 trillion pieces.
Goatee decided to go catch another bus instead.
Most of the women on that bus were beautiful and so were in no danger from Pan (at least in terms of beheading and bodily dismemberment).
The one uglo on the bus was wisely sitting at the back and unlike most brainless uglos in the City of Calgary made no attempt to approach the genetically created satyr serial killer.
So Pan spared her.
Pan then got off the bus to catch another bus that would take him home.
As he ran to catch that neighbourhood bus, some moronic asshole was blocking the sidewalk with a shopping cart that was piled high with 20 different suitcases.
Afraid he’d miss his bus, Goatee beheaded the man and cut him up into 999 trillion pieces.
The suitcases fell on top of Alberta’s Neo-Fascist Premier Jason Kenney who hated the poor.
That’s why Kenney only hired ugly women to be defense lawyers for the province’s Legal Aid Societies that were financed by the provincial government.
No self-respecting poor person would want to be represented by a lawyer that repulsively ugly so they’d automatically plead guilty (to forego a trial in which they’d be represented by some super uglo defense lawyer who was as brainless as she was ugly) and Kenney could throw them in jail.
That way he could tell his fellow provincial counterparts at Canadian Premiers’ Conferences that Alberta had no poor people (since they were all in jail).
Goatee ran to catch the bus.
An uglo got off.
So Goatee beheaded the uglo and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.
Neo-Bolshevik Communist demagogue Dr. Joe Vipond (the man who pushed most strongly for compulsory masking in the province throughout the plandemic and also for compulsory vaccination) like most Neo-Bolshevik Communist rich people was a tightwad and a cheapskate when it came to spending his own money instead of taxpayers’.
So Vipond wept, “There goes my Calgary Legal Aid Defense lawyer.”
Goatee beheaded the Neo-Bolshevik Communist physician and cut him up into 999 trillion pieces.
-A vampire novel chapter
Written by Christopher
Friday September 23rd
2022.
Athelstan The Valet Listens To Portions of Renfield’s Podcast
The Greek goddess Hera listens to British MP Renfield R. Renfield’s Thursday night podcast.
She was horrified by the possibility that Russian President Vladimir Putin might launch a nuclear attack on the West.
Renfield seemed to have insider information from Russia as well as knowing the contents of the Third Secret of Fatima (whose text the Vatican claimed to have released back in 2000 but they lied. They only released a vision associated with the secret not the secret itself).
Hera decided she must do something.
She didn’t want to see the destruction of planet Earth.
She got in touch with the Byzantine vampiress Theodora who in her mortal life had been the Byzantine Empress Theodora the wife of the Byzantine Emperor Justinian I.
Theodora had been turned into a vampiress on June 28th 548 AD by the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith.
Otherwise Theodora would have died from cancer.
“Hello,” Theodora picked up her phone at her estate in Athens, Greece.
. . .
Senile old fool Joe Biden was not listening to Renfield’s Thursday night podcast.
He was sniffing the needles on his marijuana smoking cactus planet which inhaled marijuana cigarettes and then exhaled marijuana smoke.
Biden believed the cactus needles were the hair of The Woman In Green.
The Woman In Green was the name of a 1945 Universal Pictures Sherlock Holmes film with Basil Rathbone as Holmes and Nigel Bruce as Dr. Watson that he watched on late night television last night.
“Mr. President,” one of his aides entered the Oval Office.
“Ow,” Joe pricked his nose on a cactus needle, “What is it?”.
“The wealthy residents of Martha’s Vineyard are once again complaining about immigrants being sent there,” his aide said.
“Who’s sending immigrants this time?” Biden wiped his nose with a used diaper, “Ron DeSantis or Greg Abbot?”.
“Greg Abbott the Governor of Texas,” his aide answered, “But this recent batch of immigrants are different. These are zombie 15th Century Aztec warriors recently raised from the dead in Mexico by a South African witch doctor at the behest of the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec who’s the goddaughter of the Aztec feathered serpent god Quetzalcoatl (whom Utah Sen. Mitt Romney being Mormon thinks is the person of Jesus Christ when he visited the Americas according to Mormon teaching).”
“Why did Qonzilqointec send these zombie 15th Century Aztec warriors across the Mexico-U.S. border anyways?” Biden asked. “And does this Qonzilqointec have nice hair? Is it worth sniffing?”.
“Qonzilqointec is very beautiful, she does have nice hair and it probably is worth sniffing,” his aide explained.
“This new King Charles III of England was quite cranky when I sniffed the flowers on his mother’s coffin quite intently as the cameras looked away,” Biden recalled, “He asked me what the Hell I was doing? It was quite sad that it was a closed casket funeral. I quite enjoyed sniffing Her Majesty’s hair when she was alive. I wonder if…”
“Mr. President, to answer your 1st question,” his aide interjected, “The reason Qonzilqointec sent these living dead Aztec warriors across the border was to re-annex parts of the U.S. to a revived Aztec Empire.”
“But I don’t think Martha’s Vineyard in Massachusetts was ever part of the Aztec Empire,” Joe Biden reflected.
“It is now,” another aide entered the room.
. . .
Athelstan the butler and valet to the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set was doing his daily housecleaning duties around the Set Estate mansion.
British MP Renfield R. Renfield (who lived in the mansion) was doing his Thursday night podcast from his bedroom.
Athelstan occasionally listened in before going on to his next cleaning job.
As he passed the room, he heard Renfield say, “They are a bunch of Belgian waffles who have fruits all over them…”
“Is Renfield talking about breakfast?” Athelstan asked Amadeus Emanon as he walked by.
“No,” Athelstan shook his head, “I think he’s talking about the Belgian Conference of (supposedly) Catholic Bishops who have voted to approve blessing gay unions.”
Athelstan dusted Set’s statue of Napoleon.
He walked by Renfield’s room where he heard Renfield say, “The Vatican is a Communist craphole…”
When he finished dusting Set’s nude statue of Pauline Borghese as Venus Victrix, he passed Renfield’s room again where Renfield asked, “What does Joe Biden have in common with the Vatican?”.
When he had finished dusting the statue of Queen Cleopatra, again he passed Renfield’s room where Renfield said, “Meanwhile in other news, U.S. Vice-President Kamala Harris is bitching that a group of zombie 15th Century Aztec warriors have taken over her house…”
-A vampire novel chapter
Written by Christopher
Thursday September 22nd
2022.
Svetlana Kireeva, Vladimir Putin and The Mysterious Horn In Byzantium
Russian vampiress and FSB agent Svetlana Kireeva awaits the launch of a nuclear missile which would be fired from a secret location in Moscow
Earlier in the day, Russian President Vladimir Putin announced on Russian national television that he would be mobilizing 300,000 reservists in an effort to save his would-be Neo-Imperialist Czarist ass in Ukraine.
To the right of Putin stood the ghost of the late U.S. President LBJ.
“Well scratch my ass and think about Israel,” LBJ laughed, “It looks like Ukraine is turning into Russia’s Vietnam.”
In the corner of the room sat the ghost of Jim Morrison weeping in a chair.
“Why,” Morrison sobbed, “of all the ghost stories in all the world did I first have to appear in one written by the world’s most boring author Phil Huston?”.
To the left of Morrison’s ghost was a holographic image of Alice Cooper who was committing hari kari with the pointy end of his mace for the same reason that Morrison’s ghost sat sobbing in a chair.
It was the first time that Russian reservists had been called up since the Second World War.
As Putin’s face was sprayed by a whole bunch of ghostly spectral holographic blood issuing forth from the intestines of the well hari-karied ghostly spectral holographic image of Alice Cooper who was busy singing his last ever hit Farewll To My Nightmare, Putin announced that he would be using nuclear weapons against the West.
To that end, Russian vampiress and FSB agent Svetlana Kireeva received a text message from Set Enterprises Intelligence Unit secret agent Miranda Singh asking if the two of them could meet in Stockholm Sweden in an effort to prevent global nuclear war.
. . .
Senile old fool Joe Biden was meeting with one of his advisors after the Irish Celtic demon Balor Biden’s speech to the UN General Assembly.
“Mr. President,” his advisor advised, “Regarding Putin’s threatened use of nuclear weapons, you have a secret personal weapon of your own to use in your dealings with Mr. Putin.”
“I do? And what secret personal weapon of my own would that be?” Biden asked as he broke wind and then let loose with a bowel movement.
The advisor was unable to answer Biden’s question as he immediately dropped dead from sulphurous exhaust fumes.
. . .
The Byzantine Emperor Justinian I was sitting on his throne in Constantinople in the year 537 AD when an envoy from Arthur King of the Britons appeared.
“Your Imperial Majesty, your noble ally Arthur King of the Britons is dead after having been slain by his evil son Mordred at the Battle of Camlann,” the envoy stated, “His repentant half-sister Morgan le Fay wants you to have this.”
“What is it?” Justinian asked.
“It’s the horn of Arthur’s personal Unicorn,” the envoy explained, “A Unicorn that was slain by Mordred the evil son of Arthur King of the Britons and Morgan le Fay.”
“Let me see,” the beautiful Byzantine Empress Theodora rose from her throne.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday September 21st
2022.
Saint Eustace, Mordred and The Unicorn
The Lady of the Lake with the Unicorn
Today September 20th is the Feast Day of St. Eustace.
St. Eustace was a pagan Roman general who converted to Christianity after seeing the sign of the Cross over the antlers of a deer he was hunting.
He was martyred in 118 AD under the Emperor Hadrian.
On St. Eustace’s Day in the year 537 AD, Mordred approached a river where the Lady of the Lake was present.
Behind her was a Unicorn.
Mordred raised his bow to shoot an arrow.
A Cross appeared over the Unicorn’s horn.
Mordred shot the Unicorn dead anyways.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday September 20th
2022.
Amadeus Emanon On The Day of The Queen’s Funeral
Grandchildren of Her Majesty standing vigil for The Queen this past Saturday night
Professional concert pianist Amadeus Emanon and his two friends Angelique Dumont and Dulcinea Lucia had spent the day standing along the streets of central London watching the Queen’s funeral procession from Westminster Hall to Westminster Abbey and then her burial procession from Westminster Abbey to Windsor Castle.
When the processions were over, the trio retreated to a pub The George and Dragon to discuss the day’s events.
“Where was your friend the MP Renfield R. Renfield?” Dulcinea Lucia asked Amadeus, “I thought he would have joined us at both processions.”
“He was present in person at both the funeral and burial services for Her Majesty,” Amadeus answered.
“What?” Dulcinea was incredulous, “How does the leader of a party that has only two seats in the Westminster House of Commons end up getting invited to both those services?”.
“He once saved one of the Queen’s Welsh corgis from drowning in a swimming pool,” Amadeus replied.
“That would do it all right,” Dulcinea had to admit.
“One final toast,” Amadeus raised his glass of ale, “To Her late Majesty The Queen.”
“To Her late Majesty The Queen,” Angelique Dumont and Dulcinea Lucia likewise raised their glasses of ale.
Outside the pub, a lone kilted bagpiper walked by playing a Scottish Regiment’s Final Farewell Post.
-A vampire novel chapter
Written by Christopher
Monday September 19th
2022.
Weird California Duo Calls For Saintly Canonization of Charles Manson
Actress Sharon Tate appears in an episode of The Beverley Hillbillies.
Sadly Miss Tate was one of 7 people to die in the murderous rampage carried out by brainwashed followers of homicidal hippy commune leader Charles Manson in California during the summer of ’69.
Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was reading a waterproof library book on Sharon Tate and the Charles Manson Helter Skelter murders.
He then turned out the light and went to bed.
He then had a dream (or was it a vision?) of a weird California duo calling upon Pope Francis’ Vatican to canonize Charles Manson a saint.
The weird California duo was none other than California Gov. Gavin Newsom and his aunt-in-law Nancy Pelosi.
Said Gov. Newsom at a press conference, “I call upon Pope Francis and his Vatican to canonize Charles Manson a Saint.”
“Amen, hallelujah, nephew!” Shouted Nancy Pelosi.
Reporters of the mainstream media vigourously applauded Gov. Newsom after he made his announcement.
A reporter from Rebel News Canada however asked the question, “Why do you think Charles Manson should be canonized?”.
Members of the mainstream media and Gov. Newsom and Nancy Pelosi turned and scowled at the reporter from Rebel News Canada.
“Well as you know,” Gov. Newsom snarled, “According to the greatest oracle of our time Bill Gates, the world’s biggest problem is that there are too many people living on our planet. And Charles Manson killed people. Thus he was doing a tremendous favour for Mother Earth aka Gaia aka Pachamama.”
“Amen, hallelujah, nephew!” Nancy Pelosi exclaimed.
“Earlier this evening, I signed an Executive Order granting Charles Manson a posthumous pardon for what in those unenlightened times were considered crimes,” Newsom grinned while members of the mainstream media applauded and shouted with glee.
“Amen, hallelujah, nephew,” Nancy Pelosi batted her purple coloured eyelashes
“I have also asked the California State Legislature to pass a bill issuing a formal apology to Charles Manson for all those years the State of California so wrongly kept him behind bars,” Newsom went on.
“Amen, hallelujah, nephew,” Nancy Pelosi smiled oblivious to the fact that her wig was coming off.
Pelosi herself approached the podium, “I am going to introduce a resolution in the House of Representatives calling upon both Houses of Congress to call upon President Biden to sign an Executive Order calling upon Pope Francis and the Vatican to immediately canonize Charles Manson a Saint.”
“Amen, hallelujah, Aunt,” Gov. Gavin Newsom ejaculated behind her.
Nancy Pelosi wiped the back of her skirt.
They then smiled and waved at the cheering assembly of reporters.
Michelangelo’s dream (or was it a vision?) continued.
He was on a plane with an assemblage of reporters covering Pope Francis on one of his many plane trips.
Of course aboard a plane in front of reporters was where Pope Francis usually issued his stupidest statements.
Michelangelo wondered what the purpose of this particular plane trip was.
He read the statement from the Pope’s private secretary.
The plane was flying to the North Pole so Pope Francis could tell that jolly old elf Santa Claus and all his reindeer and toy making little elves to get on board and sign on the dotted line to sign up for the Astana Kazakhstan 7th InterFaith Congress Plan For A Global One World Religion.
So far the reporters aboard the plane had not yet read the private secretary’s statement as they were all sloshed out of their minds.
However the Cardinal accompanying the Pope on this trip had just read the travel statement written up by the Pope’s private secretary.
He grabbed the pontiff and hauled him into the washroom where he gently broke the news to Francis that there was no such thing as Santa Claus.
The Pope could be heard blubbering aloud and sobbing for the next 80 minutes.
The Cardinal told the media that the plane would be turning around and heading back to Rome.
Francis then told the press that he was now open to questions.
CNN’s Don Lemon asked Francis, “What do you think of California Gov. Gavin Newsom’s and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s call that Charles Manson should be immediately canonized?”.
“I think this is an excellent idea,” Francis grinned, “Charles Manson was a great man. He was all about free love and drugs and rock and roll. In this he reflected the values of the Aquarian Age. And according to former Dominican priest and current Episcopalian priest Matthew Fox and his witch medium Miriam Starhawk the Age of Aquarius officially began on December 21st 2020 just as the Coronavirus vaccines were about to roll out. And we need a Saint for this new Aquarian Age heralding the end of the Age of Pisces. Who better than Charles Manson?”.
“A follow up question,” said Lemon, “When will you canonize Charles Manson?”.
“Well I don’t think we need reports of a miracle performed in his name to get him canonized,” the Pope went on, “Requiring a miracle or miracles is so pre-Vatican II. We need to get up to date. I think I’ll canonize him tomorrow. I’ll declare him a Servant of God at 6:00 AM. Then I’ll declare him venerable (worthy of veneration) at 9:00 AM. Then I’ll beatify him (declare him blessed) at 12 Noon. Then I’ll canonize him (declare him a Saint) at 3:00 PM.”
“3:00 PM?” A reporter from Rebel News Canada piped up, “Wasn’t that the hour Christ died upon the Cross?”.
“I don’t know,” Francis shrugged, “Was it?”.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday September 18th
2022.
Dracul Van Helsing 
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