Athelstan The Valet Listens To Portions of Renfield’s Podcast

September 22, 2022 at 11:52 pm (Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

The Greek goddess Hera listens to British MP Renfield R. Renfield’s Thursday night podcast.

She was horrified by the possibility that Russian President Vladimir Putin might launch a nuclear attack on the West.

Renfield seemed to have insider information from Russia as well as knowing the contents of the Third Secret of Fatima (whose text the Vatican claimed to have released back in 2000 but they lied. They only released a vision associated with the secret not the secret itself).

Hera decided she must do something.

She didn’t want to see the destruction of planet Earth.

She got in touch with the Byzantine vampiress Theodora who in her mortal life had been the Byzantine Empress Theodora the wife of the Byzantine Emperor Justinian I.

Theodora had been turned into a vampiress on June 28th 548 AD by the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith.

Otherwise Theodora would have died from cancer.

“Hello,” Theodora picked up her phone at her estate in Athens, Greece.

. . .

Senile old fool Joe Biden was not listening to Renfield’s Thursday night podcast.

He was sniffing the needles on his marijuana smoking cactus planet which inhaled marijuana cigarettes and then exhaled marijuana smoke.

Biden believed the cactus needles were the hair of The Woman In Green.

The Woman In Green was the name of a 1945 Universal Pictures Sherlock Holmes film with Basil Rathbone as Holmes and Nigel Bruce as Dr. Watson that he watched on late night television last night.

“Mr. President,” one of his aides entered the Oval Office.

“Ow,” Joe pricked his nose on a cactus needle, “What is it?”.

“The wealthy residents of Martha’s Vineyard are once again complaining about immigrants being sent there,” his aide said.

“Who’s sending immigrants this time?” Biden wiped his nose with a used diaper, “Ron DeSantis or Greg Abbot?”.

“Greg Abbott the Governor of Texas,” his aide answered, “But this recent batch of immigrants are different. These are zombie 15th Century Aztec warriors recently raised from the dead in Mexico by a South African witch doctor at the behest of the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec who’s the goddaughter of the Aztec feathered serpent god Quetzalcoatl (whom Utah Sen. Mitt Romney being Mormon thinks is the person of Jesus Christ when he visited the Americas according to Mormon teaching).”

“Why did Qonzilqointec send these zombie 15th Century Aztec warriors across the Mexico-U.S. border anyways?” Biden asked. “And does this Qonzilqointec have nice hair? Is it worth sniffing?”.

“Qonzilqointec is very beautiful, she does have nice hair and it probably is worth sniffing,” his aide explained.

“This new King Charles III of England was quite cranky when I sniffed the flowers on his mother’s coffin quite intently as the cameras looked away,” Biden recalled, “He asked me what the Hell I was doing? It was quite sad that it was a closed casket funeral. I quite enjoyed sniffing Her Majesty’s hair when she was alive. I wonder if…”

“Mr. President, to answer your 1st question,” his aide interjected, “The reason Qonzilqointec sent these living dead Aztec warriors across the border was to re-annex parts of the U.S. to a revived Aztec Empire.”

“But I don’t think Martha’s Vineyard in Massachusetts was ever part of the Aztec Empire,” Joe Biden reflected.

“It is now,” another aide entered the room.

. . .

Athelstan the butler and valet to the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set was doing his daily housecleaning duties around the Set Estate mansion.

British MP Renfield R. Renfield (who lived in the mansion) was doing his Thursday night podcast from his bedroom.

Athelstan occasionally listened in before going on to his next cleaning job.

As he passed the room, he heard Renfield say, “They are a bunch of Belgian waffles who have fruits all over them…”

“Is Renfield talking about breakfast?” Athelstan asked Amadeus Emanon as he walked by.

“No,” Athelstan shook his head, “I think he’s talking about the Belgian Conference of (supposedly) Catholic Bishops who have voted to approve blessing gay unions.”

Athelstan dusted Set’s statue of Napoleon.

He walked by Renfield’s room where he heard Renfield say, “The Vatican is a Communist craphole…”

When he finished dusting Set’s nude statue of Pauline Borghese as Venus Victrix, he passed Renfield’s room again where Renfield asked, “What does Joe Biden have in common with the Vatican?”.

When he had finished dusting the statue of Queen Cleopatra, again he passed Renfield’s room where Renfield said, “Meanwhile in other news, U.S. Vice-President Kamala Harris is bitching that a group of zombie 15th Century Aztec warriors have taken over her house…”

-A vampire novel chapter
Written by Christopher
Thursday September 22nd



  1. Chado said,

    A Byzantine plot !
    I see the Belgian Bishops more as fruits who waffle around in strange garments…
    BTW the vineyard visitors were Mexica/Mixtecs I believe.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Yes, the Belgian bishops are definitely fruits who waffle around in strange garments.

      As are most Catholic bishops these days.

  2. Hyperion said,

    We can always count on Renfield to podcast the reality of the day. DeSantis has revealed the complete hypocrisy of the elites. They cry and bellow to think of the poor humanity but make sure the poor are quickly escorted out of the area and dumped in the slums where they learn a new career on how to rob, rape, and pillage. And Pootin under the spell of Moloch will unleash hordes of orcs on the world while Saint Javelin works tirelessly to send them back to Hell.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Yes, the hypocrisy of the elites has been exposed.

      And Saint Javelin is battling hundreds of thousands of Russian orcs.

      In the meantime, Putin is ignoring history.

      Saint Joan of Arc got advice from Saint Michael the Archangel on how to repel invaders (in that time period the English seeking to take control of France) not to engage in an invasion.

      And the residents of Constantinople in the year 1453 called upon Saint Michael the Archangel (who was the Byzantine capital’s Patron Saint) to repel the Ottoman Turkish invaders.

      But because of Byzantium’s perversion and decadence (much like that of the contemporary West) Michael (no doubt at God’s command) did not heed their prayers and supplications.

      And Constantinople fell under the rule of the Ottoman Turk.

      But in those cases, Michael served as one who repelled invasions.

      Not as one who promoted them.

      • Hyperion said,

        A much appreciated stroll back thru history, which Pootin has sworn to repeat by finishing what Nazi German could not, the complete destruction of Russia and the 145 million sub-human orcs that dwell within. At the close of WWII the SS leaders begged to join Britain and America to finish off Stalin. Hitler’s intel chiefs had uncovered Stalin’s plot to take all of Europe and this resulted in Hitler striking first. Alas, megalomaniac’s usually only have short term success but can’t play the long game. Pootin will eventually face a similar fate as Hitler. Mad as a June bedbug and still commanding imaginary forces of evil, he’ll fall out of a 10th story window, crawl back up to the top and then fall down ten flights of stairs before accidentally coming in contact with nerve agent stored in a radioactive tea cup. They’ll finally find Rasputin’s missing penis in VV Putin’s clutched hand. Most people wish upon a star. Putin was always a bit different.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        LMFAO, Daniel.

        I think I’ll use that story about how Putin meets his end (while clutching Rasputin’s missing penis in his hand) in a future vampire novel chapter.

      • Hyperion said,

        It will be an epic chapter. Herr Pootin might wake from his dream of being the reincarnation of Penis the Great just as Herr Hitler thought he was the reincarnation of Frederick the Great. When they rubbed the sleep from their eyes, they realized they were living a nightmare.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        That’s why a hari-kari committing Alice Cooper (he who sang Welcome To My Nightmare) sprayed blood over Putin.

      • Hyperion said,

        Alice Cooper should be Pootin’s Rasputin.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Now there’s a nightmare. 😱

      • Hyperion said,

        Alice Cooper would teach Pootin how to bite off a bat’s head and eat a turd when giving speeches. That would pretty much have Western Europe throwing in the towel and immigrating to South America.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        South America will be hiring Donald Trump’s former architect to help build them a wall.

      • Hyperion said,

        LOL, 😆. The wall will have gates that read exit only.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        LOL ! 🤣

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