Pan Goatee Slays Uglos On 70th Anniversary of Nixon’s Checkers Speech

September 23, 2022 at 9:52 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, News, Politics, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

It was the 70th Anniversary of Nixon’s Checkers speech.

70 years ago today on September 23rd 1952, then California Sen. Richard M. Nixon gave a speech in order to save his political hide from what was perceived as an impropriety in receiving gifts from donors.

There was the possibility that Nixon might be dropped from the Republican National Ticket as General Dwight David Eisenhower’s Vice-Presidential running mate for the upcoming November 1952 U.S. Presidential election.

So Nixon gave a speech in which he said that he had a dog named Checkers and that his wife Pat had a good Republican cloth coat not a mink coat.

The speech caught the imagination of the American people so thousands sent messages to the Republican National Committee asking that Nixon be kept on the ticket.

He was.

70 years later in honour of the occasion, two black and white Cocker Spaniel dogs were playing checkers on the sidewalk in celebration.

The world famous genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee walked by.

He was always happy to see four legged dogs.

Not so happy to see two legged dogs.

A really pathetic ugly woman walked by wearing a mini skirt.

“With a face like yours, even wearing a mini skirt doesn’t make you more attractive,” Goatee commented as he beheaded the uglo and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.

“There goes my Calgary Legal Aid Defense Lawyer,” a low IQ moron started to weep.

Goatee went into an Asian Specialty Food Store where he enountered another repulsive uglo.

Likewise he beheaded her and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.

“There goes my Calgary Legal Aid Defense lawyer,” a moronic looking man, who still held his mask in one hand (neglecting to put it on) and a gun in the other to rob the place, started to weep.

Goatee beheaded the man and cut him up into 999 trillion pieces.

Then Goatee went to catch the bus.

A fat ugly blimp got off the bus so Goatee beheaded her and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.

A man wearing a raincoat, who was going down the street opening his raincoat and exposing himself, started to weep, “Hey, there goes my Calgary Legal Aid Defense Lawyer.”

In a flash, Goatee beheaded the man and cut him up into 999 trillion pieces.

Goatee decided to go catch another bus instead.

Most of the women on that bus were beautiful and so were in no danger from Pan (at least in terms of beheading and bodily dismemberment).

The one uglo on the bus was wisely sitting at the back and unlike most brainless uglos in the City of Calgary made no attempt to approach the genetically created satyr serial killer.

So Pan spared her.

Pan then got off the bus to catch another bus that would take him home.

As he ran to catch that neighbourhood bus, some moronic asshole was blocking the sidewalk with a shopping cart that was piled high with 20 different suitcases.

Afraid he’d miss his bus, Goatee beheaded the man and cut him up into 999 trillion pieces.

The suitcases fell on top of Alberta’s Neo-Fascist Premier Jason Kenney who hated the poor.

That’s why Kenney only hired ugly women to be defense lawyers for the province’s Legal Aid Societies that were financed by the provincial government.

No self-respecting poor person would want to be represented by a lawyer that repulsively ugly so they’d automatically plead guilty (to forego a trial in which they’d be represented by some super uglo defense lawyer who was as brainless as she was ugly) and Kenney could throw them in jail.

That way he could tell his fellow provincial counterparts at Canadian Premiers’ Conferences that Alberta had no poor people (since they were all in jail).

Goatee ran to catch the bus.

An uglo got off.

So Goatee beheaded the uglo and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.

Neo-Bolshevik Communist demagogue Dr. Joe Vipond (the man who pushed most strongly for compulsory masking in the province throughout the plandemic and also for compulsory vaccination) like most Neo-Bolshevik Communist rich people was a tightwad and a cheapskate when it came to spending his own money instead of taxpayers’.

So Vipond wept, “There goes my Calgary Legal Aid Defense lawyer.”

Goatee beheaded the Neo-Bolshevik Communist physician and cut him up into 999 trillion pieces.

-A vampire novel chapter
Written by Christopher
Friday September 23rd



  1. Hyperion said,

    Whoa! Goatee had a busy day. I wonder if his daughter Pantee Goatee will ever be able to take up her father’s burden to improve Calgary’s aesthetics.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      That is an excellent question.

      • Hyperion said,

        A father-daughter aesthetics team. Seems plausible.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        I believe Panty Goatee is the “genetically created half-sister of Pan Goatee” according to the Top Secret DARPA Glossary I received from Jefferey the Otter after a night of Martian Green Minnow Beer binge drinking under a full moon back in the mid-2010s (although the Neo-Bolshevik Communist FBI now have one in their possession after a recent raid on Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago estate).

        It was DARPA that created Panty Goatee after mixing the DNA of Pan Goatee with the DNA of a very beautiful female fashion model.

        Although since she was created partly with Pan’s DNA, it is quite permissible to regard Pan as Panty’s technical biological father.

        I suppose DARPA either didn’t let you in on those experiments, Daniel, or you’re starting to come down with Joe Biden’s Disease (as opposed to Lou Gehrig’s Disease) and you’ve forgotten all about those experiments.

      • Hyperion said,

        LMFAO 😂! Yes, my Bidenesque spiral into the fog has greatly reduced my recall of DARPA’s experiments in DNA. They were looking into enhancing soldiers thru a transhumanist approach. Somehow the DNA was corrupted and now the entire Department of Defense is solely focused on eliminating CIS Gender males and females from the roster.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        ROTFLMFAO !

        Eliminating cisgender males and females from the roster.

        Moving from those created in the image of God to those created in the image of Baphomet.

        No wonder DARPA had men staring at goats.

        They were trying to bring in the goat part of the Baphomet equation.

      • Hyperion said,

        The truth is now revealed. Just as Moloch is Pootin’s right hand demon, Baphomet is Biden’s right hand er, um, ahhh….Goat.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Baphomet is Biden’s right hand goat. 🐏

        That explains a lot.

      • Hyperion said,

        The mystery is solved. But the sulfurous odor lingers.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Killing all in its path.

      • Hyperion said,

        Famous Horror author and worshiper of Lilith, Stephen King could write another best seller titled, The Fog, if he was paying attention to the malodorous machinations wafting out of the Ogle Room.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        He could indeed.

        I’ve already got in mind writing a future vampire novel chapter exploring the demonic origins of Joe Biden’s sulphurous bowel movements.

        It’s not for the feint or heart (especially those who just got their 4th or 5th booster shot and are now definitely feint of heart).

      • Hyperion said,

        I have a feeling that chapter is going to be a blast! 🤣💨

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        It will be. 🤣

        And Kamala Harris and the gender confused members of Joe Biden’s cabinet will not be happy. 🍑💩🌬

      • Hyperion said,

        It will be known as the Great Bilious Bootie Biden Diaspora, where Fancy Piglosi is canonized during the Exodus Maximus for her miracle in parting the great Poo Sea thus saving her people except AOC, who looked back momentarily and was encrusted in a sulfurous tomb of flame hardened used Depends.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        LOL ! @ what happens to AOC ! 😅😂🤣

      • Hyperion said,

        I sorta chuckled at the mental image. I wish my head elves would behave but they just don’t have a good frame of reference for behaving.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        AOC is definitely the brunette answer to all those blonde jokes out there.

      • Hyperion said,

        AOC represents all the problems we have when rich spoiled Ivy League educated kids try to represent European liberal socialism with zero understanding of what they are doing. The WEF children leading their peers to the great mass grave of Reset.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        I think in AOC’s case, her mother was a working class Puerto Rican.

        And AOC worked as a bartender to pay her way through college.

        I think it was New York’s state public education system that did AOC in.

        And Alberta’s current public education system is even worse.

        They’re turning out kids who are transgendered, queer and Communist.

        I think in AOC’s case, she’s still heterosexual.

      • Hyperion said,

        Poor AOC. I read an obvious right wing conspiracy about her that might not have been validated. Can you imagine going through school as a cis-gendered undefinable female. No wonder she struggles so mightily to keep her mind focused on pragmatic issues that matter, while the Demons of Uber Woke scream in her ear. I suppose that’s why she was inhaling sulfurous fumes. Maybe somehow Biden’s blasphemous behind gives her some relief from reality. Maybe she’ll be like Elizabeth Warren in 80 years. Everybody will give her a dementia hall pass and let her ramble vociferously at the podium.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes, that could very well be the sad fate of AOC.

      • Hyperion said,

        Chris, my WP feed hasn’t posted a vampire novel in a few days. I’m worried WP has cut me off.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Daniel, I’ve been depressed over Her Majesty’s death.

        I’m going to see if I can try to write a vampire novel chapter tonight.

      • Hyperion said,

        Oh, in that case take your time when you feel the story rise. I was afraid WP was blocking me from getting my much needed dose of vampire hijinks. I cannot imagine that a great swath of humanity is not depressed about the Queen’s passing. It is a loss felt by those who understand her place in history and humanity can’t avoid. In your own time, Renfield will call out to you, but for now, rest with her memory and we can rejoice that she lived in our times. What a blessing for us.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Amen, Daniel.

        I’ve just written and posted a chapter.

      • Hyperion said,

        Glad to hear it my friend!

  2. George F. said,

    I studied and saw a film of that checker’s speech when I was one the debate team. A superficial emotional appeal that worked. Cute dog too. (BTW, another blogger wants to be on my “Approved Readers” list when I go private. Encouraging. I’ll let you know when that happens.)

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Does that other blogger have the reputation of being the world’s most boring author?

      • George F. said,

        Oh hell no. No unbalanced readers invited.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Glad to hear it. 😀

      • George F. said,

        I’m thinking of calling it “Unedited,” “Earth Centric” or “Stealth Mode.” It’ll be a bit random using you as my role model to just free associate and let it fly. I’ve got a list of 3 guests and that’ll be enough. No tags, no buzzwords, no fake audience.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Looking forward to reading it. 👍🏻

      • George F. said,

        Tension is mounting. Gonna happen. I’ll send you the link via FB.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Great. 😀

      • Hyperion said,

        If I’m worthy, count me in bro.

      • George F. said,

        I knew you’d visit and read this message. Of course you’re on the Approved Readers list and top of my email list. Now there are three. Lol! Thanks for joining in!

      • Hyperion said,

        Entirely my pleasure, Bro!

      • George F. said,

        I’ve analyzed the “why am I doing this question” and now, it’s less about “improving my art” “taking writing seriously” “get published or die,” it’s about put it out there, have fun, and maintain interesting conversations about art, life and the meaning of the Universe with friends like you and Dracul.

      • Hyperion said,

        That’s the noble end of our pastime. It’s why I write now. I did the trial and error and learned a lot, but now I just want to have fun in comments with good people. I welcome everybody because I know the people who aren’t impressed will move on. It’s who stays, I want to chit chat with.

  3. George F. said,

    If you trim too many uglo’s, you’ll be walkin’ around with wood all day. Leave some uglo’s to take an eye break.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Well maybe in Osiris’ case, he’d be walking around with wood if he saw nothing but beautiful women.

      I’d be very much walking around with a tremendous outpouring of flesh and blood.

      And eventually la creme de la creme.

      But I know what you mean.

      Still if I wasn’t looking at beautiful women, I’d prefer to be looking at four legged dogs rather than the two legged variety.

      • George F. said,

        4 legged ones always release serotonin, no matter what they look like.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Yes, four legged dogs 🐕 do help one release serotonin 🙂

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