Joe Biden’s Connection To Balor of the Evil Eye

September 27, 2022 at 10:52 pm (Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , )

The 3 Fates of Greek Mythology: Do they control humanity’s fate?

Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was having images of NASA attacking an asteroid and then a Chinese naval cruiser and a Russian submarine off the coast of Alaska.

Then he had a vision of the 3 Fates of Greek mythology (the 3 Moirai) cutting a whole bunch of thread.

A massive amount of thread.

Michelangelo started to scream as Gaia burst into flames.

Then he had another vision.

Joe Biden in the Oval Office.

An aide entered.

“Mr. President, the local DC chapter of the Mormon Genealogical Society has been doing research into your family background,” said his aide.

“Genie what?” Asked Biden, “Is that going around rubbing magic lamps and a huge tall entity pops out granting you 3 wishes?”.

“No, Mr. President,” the aide shook his head, “They’ve discovered that you’re a direct descendant of Balor of the Evil Eye who was the leader of the Fomorians (also Fomorii) who are mentioned in numerous Irish myths and legends.”

“Is that a good thing?” Joe Biden sniffed the hair of a voodoo doll who was made in the image of Kamala Harris.

“Possibly, Mr. President,” his aide said, “Anyways Utah Sen. Mitt Romney is going to preside over a special ceremony in a Mormon temple where the spirit of your ancestor Balor of the Evil Eye will be posthumously baptised into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.”

“And does Pope Francis approve of this?” Biden accidentally stapled the doll’s hair together.

A scream came from down the hall.

“Absolutely, the Holy Father absolutely approves,” his aide nodded, “He would attend the ceremony in person himself but that’s his bingo night on the day the ceremony is being held.”

“What a bummer,” Biden said.

Coincidentally at that moment, Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg happened to walk by.

“Does that mean,” a British aide with a classical education asked, “That the President is also descended from the Irish sun-god Lugh since Lugh is the grandson of Balor after Cian (who had his cow stolen by Balor) went to Balor’s home on Tory Island and made out with Balor’s daughter Ethlinn producing Lugh.”

“I’m afraid not,” the American aide shook his head, “In a story not recounted in Irish myths and legends but recorded in the journals of the last Archbishop of Glastonbury (who was beheaded by Mordred and was last seen carrying his head across the lake in a beautiful pea green stone boat that sailed over to the Isle of Avalon there to be buried with Arthur), Balor of the Evil Eye also made out with an ugly looking Greek sea hag called Olyveoyle.”

“He did?” Biden sucked on the nipples of the voodoo doll causing another scream to come from the office down the hall.

“Yes,” the aide nodded, “His one eye, his evil eye popped out when he first saw Olvyeoyle causing the ancient Greeks to call him Popeye. This happened in the Garden of Spinach on the island of Crete. Anyhow Balor fought with a sailor called Brutus Jr. who was the time travelling son of a 1st Century BC Roman Senator for Olyve’s hand. Brutus was stabbed in the backside and died causing his unrequited Spartan male lover to write odes of poetry in Brutus’ honour. Balor and Olyveoyle had a kid called Sweet Pea because he apparently loved eating sweet peas. You’re descended from Sweet Pea.”

“I am?” Biden bit the buttocks of the voodoo doll.

A third scream came from down the hall.

Atropos the 3rd Fate decided that now was the time to cut the thread.

Michelangelo awakened from his dream.

Or was it a vision?

-A vampire novel chapter
Written by Christopher
Tuesday September 27th



  1. Hyperion said,

    Waaaaa haaaaahaaaaaaa! The scream down the hall was a Bootie Biting Biden classic. I got a huge kick out of the POOTUS being related to Sweat Pea, the fruit of Popeye the Sailor Man and the smooth Olive Oyle’s loins. You are back with another screen obliterating vampire chapter.

    • Dracul Van Helsing said,

      Thank you so much, Daniel.

      It’s good to be back. πŸ˜€

      • Hyperion said,

        You are the master vampire story teller. No one can fill that spot but you. 😎

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        Thank you so much, Daniel. 😎

        I remember at Journalspace- the first blogging site I was at back in the early and mid-2000s that a fellow blogger and friend of mine named Lincoln Ross – a New York City bartender turned poet and novelist (he publishes under the name L.M. Ross) wrote a review of my work and made a quote that was so good I used it at the top of my Journalspace blog page “Dracul Van Helsing is Anne Rice meets Superman and dancing together in a beautiful waltz.” πŸ’ƒπŸ»πŸ¦ΈπŸ»β€β™‚

      • Hyperion said,

        Indeed, Mr. Ross made an excellent observation.

      • Dracul Van Helsing said,

        He did. πŸ™‚

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