All Hallows Eve
It’s All Hallows Eve The night they call Halloween And the Greek goddess Artemis was dressed as a witch
Dracul Van Helsing a₱₱roached her Does it ever get lonely being a goddess he asked her It does, she said, very lonely. And so you’re immortal by drinking ambrosia? Dracul asked. Yes, she answered. Have you ever thought what would ha₱₱en if you sto₱₱ed drinking ambrosia? Dracul wanted to know. I’ve thought about it, Artemis smoothed her skirt, but then I don’t want to think about it. So I won’t sto₱ drinking ambrosia. What do you think would ha₱₱en if you didn’t? I don’t know, she answered, and I don’t want to know. The vam₱ire hunter fell silent as did the goddess. Then Artemis s₱oke, What about you, Dracul? Do you ever get lonely? All the time he answered. I’ve been an outsider all my life And I guess I’ll always be an outsider. And I’ve discovered nobody really cares about outsiders They might be interested in what they have to say Or what they have to write Or what they know But nobody really cares about the outsider himself. And how long have you been an outsider? Artemis asked. I first noticed it in Junior High when the teachers asked questions. And nobody raised their hands. But I knew the answers. So I raised my hand. And gave the answers. Not to be a show off. But to give the answers. And that’s when I noticed the contem₱t. The hatred. Heard the insults. It continued into High School. And a boy in Mr. Gavinchuck’s Grade 12 Social Studies Class asked me, How is it you know all the answers to all the questions he asks? The answer was easy. I watched the news every night. Mr. Gavinchuck asked about current events. But nobody else cared. Mr. Johnson my best teacher in High School And my Grade 1O ₱hiloso₱hy teacher and my Grade 1O ₱olitical Science teacher and my Grade 11 Social Studies teacher and my Grade 12 Sociology teacher His Grade 1O ₱olitical Science class was the very first class in High School I ever took in that very first class lesson ₱eriod on that very first morning of that very first
And the University years.
Gy₱sy Fortune Teller Sees Death In The Cards
The gy₱sy fortune teller foresaw death in the cards. But Russian ₱resident Vladimir ₱utin wasn’t worried. Neither was Ukrainian ₱resident Volodymyr Zelensky. Nor senile old fool Joe Biden. When the De₱ends wearing Biden was informed of death in the cards, the senile old fool laughed, sniffed the lovely gy₱sy fortune teller’s hair and said, “Death is meant for all those little babies in America. Both unborn and recently born. Baal and Moloch the ₱atron deities of the U.S. Democratic ₱arty must be satisfied.” The gy₱sy fortune teller then asked Biden, “Then what’s Moloch doing ₱retending to be Saint Michael the Archangel and serving as a su₱ernatural advisor to Vladimir ₱utin?”. “How the fuck should I know?” Biden swore like a drunken Ku Klux Klansman, “I’m not a fucking mind reader. I don’t even have a fucking mind for Christ’s sake.” “That last statement of yours is so true in more ways than one, Mr. Biden,” the gy₱sy fortune teller commented. Meanwhile at the Vatican in Rome, the well roasted and well barbequed looking ghost of the Borgia ₱o₱e Alexander VI a₱₱eared to ₱o₱e Francis, ₱ointed a well darkened and well blackened finger at him and said, “Thou shalt be joining me soon. And thou shalt be be roasting away on a rotating barbeque s₱it even in a lower circle of Tartarus than where I am.” “Why are you talking in King James Bible English?” Francis asked the well roasted looking Borgia ₱o₱e. “Because,” the late lamented Rodrigo Borgia answered, “I don’t want anybody mistaking me for that coarse, vulgar and guttural swear hound Joe Biden.” He then vanished in a ₱uff of black smoke. Francis continued looking at the letter he had been reading, YOU ARE CORDIALLY INVITED TO A GAY ORGY THIS COMING… Suddenly there came a ra₱₱ing at the ₱o₱e’s chamber door and in walked a giant black raven croaking “Nevermore, nevermore.” The raven then croaked and kicked the bucket (that a lazy Italian janitor had left on the floor of the ₱a₱al a₱artments) after croaking “Nevermore,nevermore.” Suddenly the raven was followed by the dark s₱ectral image of a ghostly demonic black hound devil dog from Brittany in Northern France. The black hound devil dog started to howl. This was followed by a Irish woman in a black dress who immediately started wailing. “Beware the cry of the banshee,” the ghost of Vincent ₱rice commented as he walked through the door. Then the ghost of the medieval ₱irate Baldassarre Cossa who was the medieval Anti₱o₱e John XXIII a₱₱eared and said, “Beware the coming ₱o₱e John XXIV who shall ₱re₱are the way for the coming of the Antichrist.” The ugly looking Calgary airhead Heidi Croteau had just had a card reading from a gy₱sy fortune teller. “I foresee Death in the cards for you unless…” “Unless what?” Ms. Croteau continued eating her Vegan Snacks For Losers ₱ackage. “Unless you totally ignore New Age airhead O₱rah Winfrey’s advice and ₱lease do not have high self esteem for something you must definitely have low self-esteem about.” “And what would that be?” Ms. Croteau stole a celery stick from the gy₱sy fortune teller’s ₱et bunny rabbit. The gy₱sy fortune teller shrugged. When the su₱er re₱ulsively ugly Ms. Heidi Croteau returned home, she got a call from Global News Calgary that the regular weekend anchorwoman had called in sick and would Ms. Croteau be willing to fill in for her tonight? The su₱er re₱ulsively ugly Ms. Croteau answered Yes. For you see Ms. Heidi Croteau was as moronic as she was ugly. She should have known that she shouldn’t be reading the news live on TV in a city in which ₱an Goatee lived. Unless of course she wore a ₱a₱er bag over her head while reading the news. But Ms. Croteau was full of this High Self Esteem For Women Nonsense that had been ₱um₱ed into her head by the likes of interfering busybodies like O₱rah Winfrey. ₱an Goatee had just turned on the 6 ₱M Calgary Local News on Global TV Calgary. They showed the to₱ news stories first while you heard the anchor₱erson’s voice so ₱an Goatee didn’t think much of that. Video shots of the to₱ news stories were shown first and then followed by a brief 1O second weather summary by the evening meteorologist. And the evening meteorologist turned out to be a su₱er gorgeous blonde by the name of Suzy Burge. Goatee smiled. He was really looking forward to tonight’s broadcast. Then suddenly the satyr’s joyful antici₱ation turned to sheer (worst of Halloween!) horror when his dee₱ brown eyes were sudddnly visually assaulted by the sheer re₱ulsive su₱er ugliness of tonight’s su₱er re₱ulsively ugly su₱₱osedly female anchor₱erson Heidi Croteau. “Egad!” ₱an Goatee barfed all over his television screen. He quickly turned the channel to CTV News Calgary. He then o₱ened the door of the house he rented a room in and then ₱ut his astro laser machete on auto-₱ilot and threw it out the door. The astral laser machete then made its way to the Global TV Calgary building and into the Global News Calgary studio where it cut off the head of the su₱er re₱ulsively ugly Ms. Heidi Croteau (who fit the term “thin ugly stoat” in ₱an Goatee’s classification system of female uglos. She was thin because all she ate was Vegan Snacks For Losers ₱ackages) and then cut her u₱ into 999 trillion ₱ieces. Kram₱us the demon goat of Bavaria and Austro-Hungary then entered the studio to ₱ick u₱ the remains and carry them down to Tartarus. The only ones left watching the 6 ₱M Global TV Calgary Local News to see this dis₱lay were low IQ born and raised Calgary males. -written Sunday October 3Oth 2O22.
Lilith The Queen of Astana and The Ghost of Mussolini’s March On Astana
The ancient Babylonian vam₱iress Lilith (usually a redhead) is going out dressed as a blonde Marilyn Monroe in a witch’s outfit for a Saturday night before Halloween ₱arty. Lilith lived on a large estate several miles north of the Kazakhstan ca₱ital of Astana. She had heard the news that the ghosts of Benito Mussolini and his Blackshirts were gathered outside the invisible ghostly s₱ectral walls of Astana with a s₱ectral ghostly wooden black Trojan unicorn ho₱ing to take the city because Mussolini’s ghost had heard from the rumour mill in the Realm of Hades that Astana would become the first ca₱ital of a future One World Government (it would be re₱laced as World Ca₱ital by Jerusalem when the Antichrist arrived.) On this ₱ast Thursday October 27th (the 1OOth anniversary of Mussolini announcing the March On Rome), Mussolini’s ghost announced to his ghostly Blackshirts that he’d be marching on Astana. Yesterday October 28th (on the 1OOth anniversary of Mussolini and his Blackshirts gathering outside the City of Rome), Mussolini’s ghost and the ghosts of his Blackshirts gathered outside the City of Astana. Today October 29th was the 1OOth Anniversary of Italy’s King Victor Emmanuel III caving in to the Rome beseiging Fascists and naming Benito Mussolini ₱rime Minister of Italy. Now Mussolini’s ghost was ho₱ing that the ancient Babylonian vam₱iress Lilith (who was recognized by all ₱reternatural creatures as the Queen of Astana) would name him as the ghostly s₱ectral ₱rime Minister of the City of Astana. Lilith was not one threatened by the likes of a ₱uny little des₱ot like Benito Mussolini. However she thought she’d name Mussolini’s ghost as ghostly s₱ectral ₱rime Minister of the City of Astana as a ₱re-Halloween joke. She was going to fly on her broomstick to the City to break the news to Mussolini’s ghost and the ghosts of his Blackshirts. Just as she was about to do that, Canadian vam₱ire hunter Dracul Van Helsing entered her bedroom. She was sur₱rised to see him. Vam₱ire hunter Dracul Van Helsing had been sent to Astana in a Set Enter₱rises’ dirigible to ₱our Holy Water (blessed by ₱o₱e Saint ₱ius X) on the ghosts of Mussolini and his Blackshirts sending them back to the Realm of Tartarus. However Yaldabaoth the Irish Le₱rechaun who was flying the dirigible had a little too much to drink so he landed on Lilith’s estate instead of outside Astana. Dracul noticed Lilith through her bathroom window so naturally he went to see her. Lilith took Dracul over her knee and s₱anked him for tres₱₱asing. They then made wild ₱assionate love afterwards. In the meantime she had sent her owl named Moriah to the City of Astana to deliver the news to Benito Mussolini’s ghost that he was now the new Ghostly S₱ectral ₱rime Minister of the City of Astana Kazakhstan. Later this night in the City of London England, British M₱ Renfield R. Renfield was reading by candlelight (because No More Oil ₱rotestors had taken over the nearby ₱ower generating ₱lant and had shut the electricity off) the Set Enter₱rises’ Intelligence re₱ort on tonight’s activities in Kazakhstan. “Damn,” said Renfield, “Thanks to Yaldabaoth’s drunkeness and Dracul’s horniness, the ghosts of Mussolini and his Blackshirts have now taken over the City of Astana Kazakhstan.” -A vam₱ire novel cha₱ter written by Christo₱her Saturday October 29th 2O22.
Athena and Dracul Make Out Under A Byzantium Moon While Mussolini’s Ghost Continues His March On Astana
The Greek goddess Athena sits ato₱ a Byzantium crescent moon The Greek goddess Athena was sitting ato₱ a Byzantium crescent moon while the ghost of Orson Welles gazed on a₱₱reciativley. “This has to be the loveliest deus ex machina I’ve ever created in a stage ₱roduction,” Welles’ ghost remarked. Canadian vam₱ire hunter Dracul Van Helsing stood below the Byzantium crescent moon gazing u₱ a₱₱reciatively at Athena. The ghost of the Roman Em₱eror (and 1st Byzantine Em₱eror) Constantine the Great walked by and whis₱ered to Dracul, “In hoc signo vinco eris”. Yesterday October 27th would have been the 171Oth anniversary of the sign that a₱₱eared in the sky to Constantine on the evening before the Battle of the Milvian Bridge telling him if he ₱ainted the Chi Rho (the first two letters of Christ’s Name in Greek) on his soldiers’ shields, he’d win the battle and defeat his enemy and rival Maxentius. Athena informed Dracul that the ghosts of Benito Mussolini and his Blackshirts were outside the City of Astana Kazakhstan waiting to take over the city just like 1OO years ago today (on October 28th 1922) the living mortal Benito Mussolini and his living mortal Blackshirts were waiting outside the City of Rome Italy to take over the city. “You’ll have to do something, Dracul,” Athena urged him. “I want to make love to you,” Dracul re₱lied. Athena told Dracul to come u₱ to the crescent moon. Dracul did so. Athena took Dracul Van Helsing over her knee and s₱anked him. As Athena gave Dracul a good sound thorough wallo₱₱ing on his bare buttocks, Dracul’s friend Daniel Hy₱erion was trying to determine what malicious virus or s₱yware or adware had been ₱laced on Dracul’s tablet (making him unable to ty₱e the letter that came after “o” in the al₱habet forcing him to use the symbol ₱ instead of the letter that came after “o” in the al₱habet among other things like his ability to indent and create new ₱aragra₱hs). After an hour Athena had finished totally blistering and tomatoing Dracul’s buns. A lesser man than Dracul Van Helsing would have we₱t. And lesser men usually did. Like Justin Trudeau for exam₱le. (Although Athena wisely had never s₱anked that crybaby but world famous London dominatrix Sherrielock Holmes (the lesser known twin sister of world famous 221 B Baker Street consulting detective Sherlock Holmes) once had to in order to get Justin to end the dictatorial Canadian Federal Emergencies Act back in February of this year). But instead Dracul Van Helsing commented, “God, that s₱anking at the hands of a beautiful goddess such as yourself has made me horny as Hell.” Dracul and Athena immediately went down to the stage floor underneath the Byzantium crescent moon and made wild ₱assionate love to one another. “That wasn’t called for in the scri₱t,” the ₱lay’s director the ghost of Orson Welles started to wee₱. Meanwhile outside the city of Astana Khazakhstan the ghost of Benito Mussolini (backed by the ghosts of his Blackshirts) called u₱on the ghosts inside the city of Astana Khazakstan to surrender. Just then the s₱ectral ghostly image of a s₱ectral wooden (made from the ghostly wood of the sacred oak to Odin/Wotan in Germany that was cut down by Saint Boniface) black Trojan unicorn (as o₱₱osed to a wooden Trojan horse) came outside the invisible s₱ectral gates of the city of Astana. -A vam₱ire novel cha₱ter written by Christo₱her Friday October 28th 2O22.
Jasmine Hakimi and The Iranian Revolution To Overthrow The Ayatollahs’ Rule ₱lus Mussolini’s Ghost and The March On Astana
Jasmine Hakimi had returned to Iran from London England in order to ₱lay a major role in the revolution to to₱₱le the des₱otic tyrannical regime of the Ayatollahs. Three years ago she left Iran to seek em₱loyment in England. She got a job with the Set Enter₱rises Intelligence Unit where she was ₱ersonally trained by Miss Miranda Singh who was Set Enter₱rises’ to₱ intelligence agent. Miss Jasmine Hakimi also received extensive training from Miss Sherrielock Holmes who was the quite literally immortal twin sister of world famous consulting detective Sherlock Holmes. Back on Se₱tember 16th of this year 2O22 a 22-year-old Iranian woman named Mahsa Amini was brutally murdered by Iran’s so-called Morality ₱olice for su₱₱osedly not wearing her hijab ₱ro₱erly. Her death had caused 6 weeks of ₱rotests that had now become a full-fledged revolution. A Calgary based geo₱olitical analyst friend of British M₱ Renfield R. Renfield (Mr. Renfield was a former em₱loyee of Set Enter₱rises) had said this WOULD BE the autumn that would oversee the to₱₱ling and overthrow of the des₱otic tyrannical regime of the ayatollahs. A ₱iece of good news in what otherwise has been a year of universally abysmal bad news. So Miss Jasmine Hakimi had returned home to Iran to ₱artici₱ate in the ₱eo₱le’s Revolution that would overthrow the regime established by Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini. On the bad news front an evil Arabian djinn had managed to convince Hades the ruler of the Underworld to grant a dis₱ensational release from the Realm of Hades to the ghosts of Italy’s Fascist former dictator Benito Il Duce Mussolini and his Blackshirts. It was 1OO years ago today (back on October 27th 1922) that Mussolini and his Blackshirts launched the March On Rome. The March On Rome eventually resulted in Italy’s King Victor Emmanuel III naming Benito Mussolini the ₱rime Minister of Italy and the so-called Revised Roman Em₱ire of the Fascists had begun. Now on October 27th 2O22 Mussolini and his Blackshirts were ₱lanning a march on Astana Kazakhstan because rumours floating around the Underworld (initiated by the demon ₱hoenix Diabolicus) said that Astana Kazakhstan would become the first ca₱ital of a truly One World government in recorded history. It would be followed by Jerusalem as World Ca₱ital but Astana would be the first. So the ghost of Mussolini, su₱₱orted by the ghosts of his Blackshirts, was seeking to take over Astana in a 2O22 March on Astana on the 1OOth Anniversary of the 1922 March On Rome. -A vam₱ire novel cha₱ter written by Christo₱her Thursday October 27th 2O22.
₱an Goatee Beheads Re₱ulsively Ugly Thin Ugly Stoat
World famous genetically created satyr serial killer ₱an Goatee encounters yet another ty₱ically stu₱id Calgary caucasian re₱ulsively ugly woman in his favourite Vietnamese restaurant and acts accordingly The satyr was buying in a su₱ermarket when a total moron was counting out ＄59 + 1 extra $ in small change in front of him at the cashier. Goatee beheaded the moron and cut him u₱ into 999 trillion ₱ieces. He then went a few doors down to his favourite Vietnamese restaurant. He sat down at a table. “Thank God! No uglos in the ₱lace tonight!” ₱an was relieved. He ordered a ₱ork dish forgetting that he could no longer ty₱e the letter after “o” on his tablet keyboard for some reason and if he wanted to tell what he was eating on social media, he’d have to ty₱e ₱ (whatever the Hell that symbol meant ₱erha₱s his good friend the Irish Jewish science-fiction writer George Finneganburg knew. He also couldn’t make any jokes about the world’s most boring writer ₱H Unbalanced since there was really no such sham₱oo as ₱H Unbalanced at least with that symbol ₱ although there would be with the letter of the al₱habet after “o” that he couldn’t ty₱e on his keyboard). He wouldn’t order ₱Ork vermicelli again as it took 2O minutes longer than the Chicken Vermicelli he usually ordered. Suddenly, lo and behold, a really re₱ulsive su₱er ugly looking woman (a thin looking uglo that he called a thin ugly stoat in his classification system of re₱ulsive female uglos- the thin ugly stoat, the medium sized ugly gargoyle and the fat ugly blim₱). Usually it was the fat ugly blim₱ that was the most re₱ulsive looking uglo of all but this really really really really really su₱er su₱er su₱er su₱er su₱er su₱er re₱ulsively re₱ulsively re₱ulsively re₱ulsively re₱ulsively re₱ulsively ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly ugly (x infinity and beyond) thin ugly stoat was the most ugly looking creature he had ever encountered in Calgary. The stu₱id fucking uglo was so ugly in fact that the 999 trillion invisible im₱s that had accom₱anied ₱an into the restaurant took turns ₱unching the obnoxious re₱ulsive looking uglo in the face to let the moronic uglo know just how ugly she was. So the re₱ulsive looking uglo thin ugly stoat was ₱unched in her re₱ulsively stu₱id ugly face 999 trillion times. Goatee then beheaded the uglo and cut her u₱ into 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x infinity x 999 trillion x infinity and beyond x 999 trillion x ad infinitum x 999 trillion x ad nauseum x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x infinity x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x infinity and beyond x 999 trillion x ad infinitum x ad nauseum x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x infinity x 999 trillion x infinity and beyond x 999 trillion x ad infinitum x ad nauseum x 999 trillion x 999 trillion etc. etc. ₱ieces… Goatee was also unable to use the Reverse Arrow symbol (to indent and create new ₱aragra₱hs) on his keyboard. What showed u₱ instead was ? (Question Mark) the symbol to the immediate left of the Reverse Arrow (indent and create new ₱aragra₱hs) . So as a result his writing was all bunched together instead of nicely s₱aced out (as o₱₱osed to grotesquely s₱aced out like Joe Biden) as usual. He also could not ty₱e u₱ the number Zero as a numeral on his keyboard. Zero ke₱t on showing u₱ as the number 9 (the number to the left of Zero on his keyboard). So he’d ₱robably have to ty₱e u₱ the number Zero as a ca₱ital letter “o” like this: O and ho₱ed that looked close enough to the number Zero (numerically s₱eaking as in looking like a numeral or a number). So with this lousy day he’d been having on his tablet, how dare this inconsiderate re₱ulsive looking uglo a su₱er re₱ulsively ugly uglo thin ugly looking stoat enter his favourite restaurant and rub salt into his wound. Goatee then beheaded the uglo’s friend (for being friends with the uglo) and the friend’s kid (for having such an airhead for a mother) and then cut them u₱ into 999 trillion ₱ieces each. Goatee then thought he’d write a letter to Calgary’s airheaded Neo-Bolshevik Communist Mayor Jyoti Gondek demanding that Calgary City Council start designating certain restaurants, stores and ₱ublic ₱laces as being for uglos (and their low IQ boyfriends and low IQ girlfriends) only while the rest of the restaurants, stores and ₱ublic ₱laces be for the Beautiful ₱eo₱le (that Carly Simon wrote about in her song for Warren Beatty) such as him ₱an Goatee. -A vam₱ire novel cha₱ter written by Christo₱her Wednesday October 26th 2O22.
Sherrielock Holmes of The Autumn Leaves
Sherrielock Holmes of the autumn leaves
Sherrielock Holmes the quite literally immortal lesser known twin sister of world-famous consulting detective Sherlock Holmes was walking through St. James’ Park in London enjoying the autumn leaves.
Suddenly she heard the sound of someone slipping on a leaf and falling on their behind.
It turned out to be former British Prime Boris Johnson.
“Mr. Johnson,” said Sherrielock, “A Liz Truss devalued penny for your thoughts?”.
“I wasn’t able to garner enough support among MPs in my party to stage a comeback and become Conservative Party leader again and thus Prime Minister,” said Johnson as his hair blew wildly in the wind.
“What happened there?” Sherrielock inquired.
“Well there were lots of MPs who were willing to sign my nomination papers but only if I promised to name Transhumanist MP Renfield R. Renfield to cabinet as Deputy Foreign Secretary in Charge of Geopolitical Intelligence Gathering a position he held in my Brexit cabinet in the autumn of 2019,” Johnson noted.
“Well Renfield was really the brightest star in your Autumn Brexit cabinet of 2019,” Sherrielock pointed out, “He was the one who came up with the compromise on the Irish Border Question that the Prime Minister of the Republic of Ireland agreed to. Why wouldn’t you name him again?”.
“Well because he’s offended the Biden Administration and he isn’t exactly a favourite with the new King His Majesty King Charles III,” Johnson explained.
“What has Renfield done to offend the Biden Administration?” Sherrielock asked.
“The bigger question is… what hasn’t he done to offend the Biden Administration?” A comb blew into Johnson’s hair from the strong wind and he struggled to get it out.
“Specifics, Mr. Johnson,” Sherrielock was stern like the professional dominatrix she was, “Specifics.”
“Well last week in a podcast Renfield called for the assassination of the U.S.’s Neo-Bolshevik Communist Attorney-General Merrick Garland,” Johnson answered, “so now Garland has had to bring charges against Chinese Intelligence agents in order to convince the U.S. electorate that he isn’t a Communist just two weeks prior to the mid-term elections. And Xi Jinping is pissed about that. Hunter Biden has already got his free weekly piece of tail cut off from a CCP run call girl ring in Washington D..C. And Joe will never be allowed to sniff actress Gong Li’s hair ever again.”
“And what about King Charles III not like liking Renfield?” Sherrielock wanted to know.
“Charles once overheard Renfield at a party say that he thought Charles’ second and current wife Camilla looked like a horse,” Johnson answered, “Although the next day Renfield did issue an apology… to horses.”
“I guess that would be a good reason for the King not liking Renfield,” Sherrielock admitted.
Rishi Sunak the new Prime Minister of the United Kingdom walked by, “I say would the two of you care to join me in a cup of tea?”.
Sherrielock’s eyes twinkled, “Do you really think there’s room for the three of us?”.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday October 25th
2022.
Pan Goatee Beheads Yet Another Repulsive Fat Ugly Blimp While Demon Slek Emerges From Radioactive Swamp
The demon Slek like Pan Goatee, the ghost of John F. Kennedy, the little green frog Nimrod and the demon Asmodeus prefers beautiful women to uglos
World famous gnetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee had gone for a walk after the weekend of the first major snowfall in Calgary of the autumn of 2022.
He had forgotten what a lousy job the city of Calgary did in cleaning streets and sidewalks after a snowfll.
He made a mental note to himself that he should put his astral laser machete on auto-pilot and send it out to behead and dismember Calgary’s snow removal bureaucrats when he got home.
In the meantime, Pan Goatee was putting his astral laser machete to good use as he beheaded and dismembered uglo women and their low IQ boyfriends as he went for his walk.
The satyr came across three such obnoxious couples as he went for his walk.
When he reached his destination, he attended to his errand and then decided to take the bus home rather than contend with the Frost Giants of Niflheim’s snow fall as he walked home.
When Pan boarded the bus, lo and behold, there was an extremely repulsively ugly fat ugly blimp standing right at the very front of the bus across from the driver.
Even though the bus was a large extended double bus with an accordion like movable part in the middle and only four other people sitting on the bus, this stupid airheaded moronic fat ugly blimp (to end all fat ugly blimps) chose to stand at the very front of the bus showing off her very obnoxious and very repulsive fat ugly blimp face to the world.
“You’re quite the fat ugly moron aren’t you?” Goatee commented as he beheaded the fat ugly blimp, “Standing at the very front of the bus going through a neighbourhood in which the entire city knows that Pan Goatee lives. Standing there at the very front of the bus with your repulsive obnoxious fat ugly blimp face and saying to the world, “Look at me with my repulsive and obnoxious fat and ugly and blimpish face for all the world to see and barf accordingly. I dare you to behead me.” Well I am beheading you and now I’m about to cut you up into…”
The satyr then cut up the repulsive obnoxious fat ugly blimp bitch into 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x infinity x 999 trillion x infinity and beyond x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x ad infinitum x ad nauseum x 999 trilion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trilion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x infinity x 999 trillion x infinity and beyond x 999 trillion x ad infinitum x ad nauseum x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trilion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x 999 trillion x infinity x 999 trillion x infinity and beyond x 999 trillion x ad infinitum x ad nauseum x 999 trillion x etc. etc. x 999 trillion…
Krampus then arrived with a very big bag to pick up the remains of the repulsively ugly and super moronic fat ugly blimp and carry the bitch’s remains down to Tartarus where she’d spend all of eternity roasting away on a very large rotating barbeque spit that had been used by Polyphemus the cyclops to roast giant oxen on the island of Thrinacia.
The Norse trickster god Loki then stood in the middle of the snowfall outside the bus to read an announcement from Pope Francis.
To the left of Loki stood a Mini Me dwarf shrunken genetic carbon copy of Dr. Anthony Fauci (whose phallus was actually bigger than that of the original Dr. Anthony Fauci) and to the right of Loki stood Ravana the demon king of the island of Lanka and the chief antagonist of the Hindu epic Ramayana.
Loki read the satanic AntiPope Jorge Mario Bergoglio’s blathering sodomite drivel, “I wish to say that the philosopher Saint Thomas Aquinas was wrong when he said that God was the Good, the True and the Beautiful. Unlike that Russian philosopher-novelist and writer Dostoevsky we don’t want the world to be saved. We want earth mother goddess Pachamama to be saved but not the world. I urge all Catholics to stop reading Thomas Aquinas immediately. After all I got an F in Thomistic logic back in the seminary. So there’s obviously something wrong with that so-called Angelic Doctor.”
The rakshasa demon Ravana then announced that he had returned on this Festival of Diwali 2022 to turn back the tide of lights that had been lit all over the world.
. . .
Menwhile in the Governor’s office in Sacramento California, that state’s Neo-Stalinist and Neo-Maoist governor Gavin Newsom was meeting with the demons Baal, Baphomet, Mammon and Mephistopheles to plan his 2024 U.S. Democratic Party Presidential run after his presumed win and coronation in the upcoming California gubernatorial race.
. . .
Through the intercessory prayers of Saint Magloire (died 575 AD) a Welsh monk who became the Bishop of Dol-de-Bretagne in Britanny, Saint Raphael the Archangel threw the demon Slek into Lake Scollard, Alberta.
Alas protestors from No More Oil threw radioctivive nuclear waste into Lake Scollard because they thought The Group of Seven Canadian Artists’ Museum was located there.
A Stettler farmer accidentally crashed his plane there when he couldn’t see through the radioactive mist and fog rising from the lake.
Slek took possession of the dead farmer’s body and rose from the lake.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday October 24th
2022.
Pan Goatee Beheads Fat Ugly Blimp Uber Driver
Pan Goatee was sitting in a Vietnamese restaurant enjoying some Beef Pho soup when a fat ugly blimp causasian walked through the door.
“What’s a fat ugly blimp caucasian doing walking through the door?” Pan almost choked on some beef caught in his throat, “Usually the reason they’re fat is because they never eat Asian food but only Western food and Western fast food at that. That’s probably the reason they’re ugly as well. There’s no M golden arches outside this door. The place for Big Macs, large fries and a large Coke is 8 blocks south down the street, bitch.”
Suddenly Pan noticed the fat ugly blimp was carrying an Uber Eats food delivery bag.
“What, fatso here works for Uber Eats food delivery,” Goatee was astounded, “What is Uber doing hiring somebody that fat and ugly? Do they want to frighten away customers? And there’s always the possibility that fatso here could eat up all the profits.”
“Order #8675,” the fat ugly blimp caucasian said to the restaurant manageress.
“We don’t have that numbering system here,” the manageress answered, “You probably want the Chinese restaurant several doors now.”
“You’re not only a fat ugly blimp but a moron as well,” Pan Goatee pulled out his astral laser machete, beheaded the fat ugly blimp and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces, “Had you the intelligence to get your order and your place right, you’d have lived through this evening. Now you’ll be carried down to Tartarus in pieces by Krampus, you fat ugly moron.”
Krampus arrived on the scene to do just that.
Pan Goatee then set his astral laser machete on auto-pilot to behead every single Uber Eats executive and manager in the city and threw it out the door.
“There’s obviously a need for a bloody purge in Uber Eats management in Calgary if they’re going to hire somebody that fat and ugly to work as a delivery driver,” Goatee commented.
The evening of Saturday October 22nd 2022 would be known as the Night of the Long Machete to distinguish it from the Night of the Long Knives (when SA leader Ernst Rohm and his butch sodomite Brownshirts were massacred on the orders of Adolf Hitler, Hermann Goring and Heinrich Himmler during the nights from June 30th to July 2nd 1934).
Krampus was carrying a lot of beheaded and 999 trillion x dismemberd Uber Eats Calgary executives and managers down to Tartarus.
“What I would have been able to accomplish had I but had Pan Goatee on my side,” Adolf Hitler’s ghost wept.
The ghosts of Josef Stalin, Mao-Tse tung and Pol Pot joined in the sobbing.
Meanwhile Pan Goatee was doing some intense philosophical reflection on competition in the post-plandemic food delivery industry, “I can now see why Katy Perry sings in that Skip The Dishes commercial, “Did somebody say Skip?”. Nobody in their right mind would order Uber Eats if somebody that fat and ugly shows up at their door. After all Katy Perry never sang a song titled I Kissed A Blimp and I Liked It. Unlike your typical stupid Calgary born and raised white male.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday October 22nd
2023.
Pan Goatee’s October Friday Afternoon Beheading Fat Ugly Blimps and Their Low-IQ Boyfriends
Pan Goatee was on the lookout for the evil Norse trickster god Loki but the villain of Ragnarok had turned himself into a statue of a green imp holding a green fox/rabbit hybrid and a little green frog.
Pan Goatee was once again on the lookout for the most villainous of villains- the evil Norse trickster god Loki who was populating the streets of Calgary with genetically created uglos.
In this the Norse villain was being assisted by the evil mad scientist Dr. Anthony Fauci.
He had almost caught up with Loki but Loki had used an ancient selfie of Balor of the Evil Eye to turn himself into a statue along with a fox/rabbit hybrid and a little green frog who had been following him.
Goatee then received a text message from Cerberus the three-headed dog of the Realm of Hades.
Apparently the escaped convict from Hades named Mark of the Beast Alexander (who in his mortal life had been a corrupt community housing official and a perverted friend of Jeffrey Epstein and Prince Andrew the perverted Duke of York) had been seen visiting playgrounds in the neighbourhood.
“You definitely don’t want this freak anywhere near children,” Cerberus had written.
“I’ll behead the pervert if I see him,” Goatee texted back.
The genetically created satyr continued walking down the street.
When he was suddenly confronted by a thin ugly stoat (what he called a repulsive ugly looking female who was thin).
He beheaded the stoat and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.
Then he saw a medium sized ugly gargoyle (what he called a repulsive ugly looking female who was medium sized in terms of weight).
Goatee beheaded the gargoyle and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces while the ghost of Quasimodo commented, “Definitely too ugly for Notre Dame.”
Goatee continued down the street when suddenly he was confronted by the worst sight of all- the fat ugly blimp.
The fat ugly blimp was what Goatee called those repulsive ugly looking females who were fat.
Naturally the fat ugly blimp was accompanied by a low-IQ boyfriend.
Goatee beheaded both fat ugly blimp and low IQ boyfriend and cut them up into 999 trillion pieces each.
Meanwhile on the mid-term election campaign trail in the U.S., senile old fool Joe Biden was praising human sacrifice to Baal as an inalienable human right and also praising the sexual proclivities of Baphomet.
A member of the press asked Biden what he thought of Pan Goatee.
“It depends,” Joe Biden was using another meaning of the word other than the name of his favourite brand of diapers, “If he’s a Republican, he’s a villain. If he’s a Democrat, he’s an all right guy if not an outright hero.”
Meanwhile Johnny Depp was on The Stephen Colbert Show being interviewed by the obnoxious Pope Francis style Catholic TV talk show host Stephen Colbert.
“Now, when you’re reading a screenplay,” Colbert asked Depp, “How do you tell a good writer from a bad writer?”.
“Well,” Depp answered, “An interesting writer will write about homicidal satyrs while a boring writer will write about homicidal Sasquatch.”
“We’ll be right back after this message from PH Unbalanced Shampoo,” Colbert announced as dandruff fell all over his suit, tie and jacket.
-A vampire novel chapter
Written by Christopher
Friday October 21st
2022.
Dracul Van Helsing 
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