Pan Goatee Slays Heavy Drinking Uglo While Hades and Poseidon Hold Summit

June 28, 2020 at 10:30 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Pan Goatee was sickened by the sight of some repulsively ugly looking creature entering a liquor store.

“I guess if I was as ugly looking as you are, I’d be driven to drink as well,” the satyr commented as he lopped the uglo’s head off with his astral laser machete.

He then cut up the said uglo into 999 quintillion pieces with his machete as he addressed the approaching blind folded and covid mask wearing rats and approaching blind folded and covid mask wearing nanites who’d be eating the remains of the uglo and then vomiting them up on the banks of the River Styx for transport to Tartarus, “With the Covid refusing to die down like a good virus, the United Nations’ Communist Secretary-General Antonio Guterres saying he hopes a global Marxist government can be quickly established as the “new normal” in a post-pandemic world and Neo-Bolshevik insurrectionists establishing a neo-Jacobin French Revolutionary style Reign of Terror in the U.S., you’re not helping matters aesthetically polluting Gaia by wandering around with your ugly looking faces ruining the days of sensible people everywhere but of course not the days of stupid people (of which there seems to be an overabundance in the Western world). Dickens said of the years of the original Reign of Terror, “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times”. But thanks to the repulsive pathetically ugly ugliness of uglos such as yourself, we’ve only got the “worst of times’ in this second Reign of Terror.”

Meanwhile down in the Underworld, Hades the Greek god of the underworld was holding a summit meeting with Poseidon the Greek god of the Ocean.

“The Underworld seems to be inundated with a lot of uglos these days because of that troublesome satyr Pan Goatee,” Hades complained to Poseidon.

“I don’t think you can blame Pan Goatee,” Poseidon came to the defense of the satyr, “you have to blame the Western world for somehow having an overabundance of ugly females. Our brother Zeus says he no longer visits Canada and the U.S.A. anymore when he’s feeling raunchy. It just invokes nausea in him.”

“Turning to another matter, I granted the ghost of General Andrew Jackson a dispensational release from Purgatory so he can go fight the Neo-Bolshevik insurgents that are trying to take over the U.S.,” Hades lit himself a cigar.

“Jackson heard about that?” Poseidon ate a scallop.

“Yes, news reached him about the Neo-Bolshevik insurgents trying to tear his statue down in the vicinity of the White House a few days ago so now he wants to go fight them,” Hades explained.

“And why did you agree to his request?” Poseidon asked.

“Because he provides me with such good cigars,” Hades blew smoke rings, “although I think he gets them from the ghost of his wife who was apparently quite the cigar connoisseur in her mortal life.”

“What’s the latest with the Neo-Bolshevik insurrection in the U.S. anyways?” Poseidon ate a lobster who was a distant cousin of Set Enterprises’ famed psychic lobster Michelangelo.

“I hear Antifa has been advertising a peaceful family friendly 4th of July Flag Burning at the Gettysburg Cemetery this coming 4th of July,” Hades drank a gin and tonic.

“I imagine Abe Lincoln’s ghost and Union General Ulysses S. Grant will be requesting dispensations if that goes ahead,” Poseidon remarked.

“Undoubtedly,” Hades nodded.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday June 28th
2020.

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Pan Goatee Slays Uglos To Mark Ring of Fire Solar Eclipse

June 21, 2020 at 10:32 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Sorcery, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , )

“Beautiful women are proof that Heaven exists.”

-Actor Ricardo Montalban

“And ugly women are proof that Hell exists.”

-Satyr global aesthetics and beautification campaigner Pan Goatee

Pan Goatee was very much regretting the fact that today’s Ring of Fire solar eclipse was over Asia and parts of Africa rather than over the western half of North America.

For it would have been better today if darkness fell over western North America on the 1st day of the summer solstice.

The reason being that loads of ugly women in the city where Pan Goatee lived decided to ruin the first day of summer for everyone by walking around in public without wearing paper bags over their heads.

The first ugly woman that the genetically created satyr serial killer noticed was one walking out of a physiotherapy clinic at a nearby shopping centre.

“You don’t need physiotherapy, you need plastic surgery,” Pan Goatee remarked as he lopped off the uglo’s head with his astral laser machete.

The next uglo he came across was some facially aesthetically challenged creature who was sitting on a chair in front of a barber shop.

“These poor guys have only recently opened up after 3 months of lockdown,” Pan Goatee pointed out as he lopped off this uglo’s head, “I don’t think they appreciate an ugly looking thing parked in front frightening off all the customers.”

Dostoevsky once wrote that beauty could save the world.

No wonder the western world was on the brink of a widespread Neo-Marxist insurrection with all these uglos walking about, Goatee politically philosophized.

On his way back home, Goatee passed a fat ugly blimp sitting at a bus stop.

“Why aren’t you busy tearing down statues with all the other uglos and their brainless boyfriends with incredibly bad taste in politics, economics, culture and women?” Goatee asked rhetorically aloud as he lopped off the blimp’s head.

. . .

Pope Francis the Vicar of Cthulhu and Mictlantecuhtli was sitting at his office in the Vatican when the phone rang.

“Hello, Comrade Jorge here,” Francis spoke into the receiver.

“Hello, this is the AntiOdysseus,” said the voice at the other end.

“The AntiOdysseus?” Pope Francis was quizzical.

“Yes,” answered the exasperated voice at the other end, “If there’s an Odysseus, there’s got to be an AntiOdysseus.”

“I suppose,” Francis chewed on his pencil.

“Listen, me and the boys here have just finished building a huge giant wooden statue of the Baphomet on wheels at an Italian government lodge outside Rome and we’d like to bring it down to Rome and wheel it within the walls of the Vatican,” the AntiOdysseus explained, “Is that all right?”.

“I guess that’s all right,” Francis checked his day and night planner, “If Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI was here, he’d probably object to a huge giant wooden statue of the Baphomet being wheeled into the Vatican. But he’s currently in Regensburg in Bavaria.”

. . .

“Both Nazism and Communism are the bastard children of Freemasonry.
With last night’s tearing down of the statue of the white supremacist, Aryan race promoting, swastika worshipping and Ku Klux Klan co-founding Scottish Rite Freemasonic Confederate General Albert Pike in Washington DC, it is now obvious which bastard child of Freemasonry is on the ascendant in America.
It is Communism the bastard child of French Grand Orient Lodge Freemasonry and Adam Weishaupt’s Bavarian Illuminati.”

-Renfield R. Renfield MP

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday June 21st
2020.

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Pan Goatee’s Evening Walk

June 1, 2020 at 10:45 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , )

Pan Goatee’s Evening Walk

Roger Dodger (a TV news reporter addressing a camera): Hi, I’m Roger Dodger a reporter for TNN (Trendy News Network). While other news networks are busy regaling you with the latest Covid-19 statistics or showing the ongoing rioting, looting and arsons happening in U.S. cities that seems to have become America’s favourite pastime over the past few days, we at TNN decided to spend an evening with the world famous genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee.

Goatee (approaches wearing Bermuda shorts showing his hairy goats’ legs and hooves and wearing sunglasses and having an astral laser machete in his holster on his shorts): Hi Roger, how’s it going?

Roger: Fine, thanks, Pan. How did two months of lockdown treat you?

Goatee (using his astral laser machete to behead a thin ugly looking stoat type human female as she walks by): Well, my psychiatrist in my on-line video therapy session with him today says he hasn’t noticed any visible change in my psychosis as a result of lockdown.

(The satyr beheads a fat ugly blimp and a medium sized ugly looking gargoyle as they walk by)

Roger Dodger: So today is the 1st of June – the 1st day of what meteorologists call the Meteorological Summer Season as opposed to the Northern Hemisphere Summer Solar Solstice season which officially starts on June 20th this year. And you’re using this day June 1st to walk about after 2 months of lockdown?

Goatee (beheading another fat ugly blimp) : I am. 

Roger Dodger: So your comments on what’s happening in the U.S.?

Goatee: Well, economically, socially and politically speaking, America has been a tinderbox for years. All that was needed for the whole thing to unravel was a spark or catalyst. Just like the Arab Spring began in Tunisia in 2011 with a fruit and vegetable seller protesting the huge increase in fees he’d have to pay to maintain his vendor licence, so the murder of George Floyd by psychopathic cop Derek Chauvin has ignited an uprising in the U.S. Of course with the Arab Spring in Tunisia, America’s bonehead President of the day Barack Obama and airhead Secretary of State of the day Hillary Clinton decided they could finance and export Tunisia’s homegrown Arab Spring to other Arab countries by imposing it on them. The result has been 9 years of ongoing civil war in both Libya and Syria in which millions of people have died. No doubt Sir Walter Raleigh’s ghost will have to revise his proverb to say, “The road to Hell is paved with stupid intentions.”

(Goatee beheads a fat ugly blimp who got her motor vehicle stuck in a vehicle trap in a lane meant for buses only. The fat ugly blimp never saw all the flashing lights and warning signs telling her not to enter)

Roger Dodger: So surely this should serve as a warning to outside powers not to interfere in America’s current domestic unrest?

Goatee: Well, I don’t think Russia’s Putin or China’s Xi or the Havana based Neo-Nazi billionaire Robur Pike would shed many tears over the deaths of millions of Americans. But in the case of the American geopolitical stupidity causing the Libyan and Syrian Civil Wars, America supposedly is concerned about trying to preserve human life.
Of course if one studies American history carefully that is definitely not the case. But it’s the image that America likes to project to the world.

Roger: What do you think of American police firing rubber bullets and tear gas not only against the rioters and looters but also against peaceful protestors and even members of the press with clearly identifiable PRESS badges and passes?

Goatee: They obviously memorized video footage of what Hong Kong police did in Hong Kong during the protests there last year.

Roger: What do you think of Trump’s handling of the unrest?

Goatee: As in “start the looting, start the shooting” ? (The satyr races down the street beheading a whole bunch of uglos of the fat ugly blimp, medium sized ugly gargoyle and thin ugly stoat variety). And then having riot police use clubs, tear gas and rubber bullets on peaceful protestors in front of the White House to disperse them just so he Trump could walk across the street to a park across from the White House just so he could have a photo op?

Roger: That’s what I’m asking.

Pan Goatee: Well, who am I to judge? to quote the Lot’s wife impersonating Pope Francis. I’m just a psychopathic genetically created satyr serial killer with real fur on his legs as opposed to an American President with fake hair on his head.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher 
Monday June 1st
2020.

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Netanyahu, Bin Salman and A Tale of Two Pans

April 27, 2020 at 9:41 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Sorcery, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Netanyahu, bin Salman and A Tale of Two Pans

Some foul mouthed teen girl bicyclist was riding down the street shooting her foul mouth illiterate mouth off, “I’ve got the whole world at my feet, motherfucker.”

Pan Goatee who was putting the garbage out promptly beheaded the foul mouth trash can sporting a bad hair style and commented before hand, “Two words of advice. Don’t talk to yourself in public or people might think you’re insane. And don’t suffer from delusions of grandeur.”

He kicked the motherfucking female cyclist’s head down the street where it was promptly eaten by rats.

. . .

U. S. President Donald Trump was talking to his butler and valet Athelstan, “Somebody tweeted me an article from the Nostradumbass Science Enquirer saying that if I were to launch nuclear weapons all over the planet, that would provide enough heat and radiation to kill the Wuhan Virus. What do you think, Athelstan?”.

“Don’t do it, sir,” Athelstan answered.

. . .

Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman was talking to his allies in the United Arab Emirates about the genocidal campaign they had been carrying out against the Houthis in Yemen (with U.S. support) for the past several years.

“Why don’t they just roll over and play dead for real?” The Saudi Crown Prince was foaming at the mouth, “We’ve been cluster bombing them. We’ve been cutting off most of their food supply. But they won’t starve to death. We’ve been cutting off medical aid to them but they won’t succumb to Covid-19 or any other illness and die en masse. This is very inconsiderate of them. Why in the name of Allah the Merciful won’t they just die when we’ve spent hundreds of millions trying to exterminate them?”.

The U.A.E. representative had no answer for the bombastic Saudi Crown Prince.

. . .

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu was talking to a Mossad agent named Star of Azazel.

“We are going to be annexing a whole bunch of territories in the West Bank over the next couple of months,” Netanyahu said between mouthfuls of kosher corn beef sandwich, “And the U.S. government says it will back us in this. I’m about to earn an everlasting legacy in Israel’s history. And in my humble opinion, I can say no Israeli politician is more deserving of this. I just hope I don’t come down with Covid-19 like Britain’s Boris Johnson did. That would put a damper on everything.”

. . .

Meanwhile in Saint Peter’s Basilica in Rome, the Greek nature god Pan and the demon Baphomet were taking the figure of Christ off a Crucifix and substituting in its place a figure of the Middle Eastern goat demon Azazel.

But since there were no public Masses being held in Italy these days, it would be a while before anyone would notice.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday April 27th
2020.

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Pan Goatee Beheads Non-Social Distancing Uglos

April 24, 2020 at 10:34 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Short play, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Pan Goatee Beheads Non-Social Distancing Uglos

Genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee was awakened by the sound of a bunch of cars honking.

Some bozos in the neighbourhood decided to celebrate some stupid occasion by driving around in dozens of cars honking their horns.

All because people could no longer meet in groups above 15 due to the dictates of Alberta Premier Jason Fat Boy Kenney’s ugly looking female Provincial Health Officer.

How did he ever miss out on beheading her?

Probably because he’d never visited the provincial capital of Edmonton he deduced in Sherlockian fashion.

Goatee looked out the window and vomited all over the coffee table when he saw a whole bunch of ugly looking females standing up and down the block (not practicing social distancing either- the ugly looking airheads) waving signs with stupid slogans.

Goatee reached for his astral laser machete and went running down the block beheading the ugly looking females en masse.

He approached one ugly looking school girl.

“You know what the trouble with ugly looking kids is?” Goatee explained as he lopped the young uglo’s head off, “they grow up to be ugly looking adults.” 

“You’ll no longer have to worry about following the WHO’s social distancing regulations ever again,” Goatee remarked to one ugly looking mother as he decapitated her.

Later that day, Alberta’s ugly looking female Provincial Health Officer addressing her daily news conference while this time wearing a paper bag over her head (because there were rumours that Pan Goatee was in the provincial capital) told the social distancing media that she had several non-Covid 19 deaths to report, “Several females in our province have been beheaded today because they were ugly. Returning once again to our daily Covid-19 death count…”

On-line bookies and on-line gamblers waited with baited breath to see who would win today’s jackpot for having correctly predicted the exact number of Covid-19 deaths in the province for the day.

. . .

Down in Las Vegas Nevada, Ares the Greek god of war and Thor the Norse god of thunder had the entire city to themselves since all the casinos, lounges, bars, restaurants and wedding chapels were now closed to mortal humans.

Desert coyotes and road runners were outside the buildings running amuck in city streets.

Ares and Thor after having finished off all the liquor and booze in the Bellagio Hotel and Casino were now starting on all the booze and liquor at the Caesars Palace Hotel and Casino.

Ares (drinking a Corona with lime): Say what’s the number of recoveries from Covid-19?

Thor (drinking a bottle of tequila with half a worm in it): What?

Ares: The number of recoveries from Covid-19. They’re always talking about the number of cases of Covid-19. The number of deaths from Covid-19. How come they never give the number of recoveries from Covid-19?

Thor: I don’t know. Do I look like the fucking Director-General of WHO?

Ares (putting on a pair of glasses he had swiped from the hotel’s sole remaining security guard who had died after injecting Lysol household disinfectant directly into his lungs on the recommendation of U.S. President Donald Trump) : No, you don’t look like the sort of person who would give Xi Jinping blow jobs.

Thor: That’s because I’m not.

Ares: What will happen if people are quarantined in their homes all across the planet for the next 18 months to 2 years like so many scientific experts are suggesting but no political leader seems to want to mention?

Thor (making himself a lime Margarita) : I don’t know. A lot of people will go insane I guess.

Ares: And what about the economy? It will totally collapse won’t it? What will happen to agriculture? The food supply? People are going to start dropping dead of hunger aren’t they? 

Thor (warming up a frozen plate of Hors d’oeuvres in the lounge microwave) : Oh, probably.

Ares: How am I going to be able to start any wars if people are dead?

Thor: Well maybe you better go start a war before a whole bunch of people start dying from the pandemic or dying from hunger.

Ares (hiccoughing) : An excellent suggestion. I think I’ll go do that now.

(Ares stumbles his way outside where he’s then run over by a road runner)

-A vampire novel chapter
and short play 
written by Christopher
Friday April 24th
2020.

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Pan Goatee, The Coronavirus and Cthulhu

February 8, 2020 at 11:42 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee, The Coronavirus and Cthulhu

Genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee was sitting in his neighbourhood food court trying to enjoy his slice of pizza when an ugly looking school girl walked by.

Goatee (who had recently recovered from tennis elbow) thought to himself, “Ugly looking girls grow up to become ugly looking women.”

He grabbed his astral laser machete and said to the little uglo, “What do they teach you in the public school system these days? Obviously no appreciation for beauty.”

He beheaded her and a group of rats then gathered around and ate her.

The rats (brought to life from the 1971 American horror film Willard) then went outside to vomit.

The uglo girl’s older brother was wearing a hockey jersey number sweater for a hockey team and a hockey player that Pan Goatee didn’t like so he beheaded him as well.

He then tried to enjoy the rest of his pizza but then a whole bunch of ugly looking school girls (who looked like they were auditioning for a remake of that horrible early 2010s sit com Ugly Betty which should have been advertised as a horror film called Night of The Aesthetically Challenged Living Dead) entered the food court.

“What the Hell is happening to our public school system?” Goatee expressed the earnest anguish of a concerned citizen and public school system taxpayer as he beheaded the hideously repulsive young uglos, “I blame John Dewey the father of so-called progressive education for this. Since he advocated throwing out the teaching of history, these uglos have no knowledge of the culture of the ancient Greeks where beauty was all important. Because beauty is certainly not important to these young degenerates.”

Rats then came and ate the uglos’ remains and vomited en masse outside.

Goatee then went outside where some idiot with horrendously lousy taste in music seemed quite anxious to share his lousy taste in music with the rest of the world by playing it at full blast on his car loud speaker.

Goatee beheaded the musical Philistine in a dramatic re-enactment of David beheading the original Philistine Goliath after the giant fell to earth over the young shepherd boy’s sling and stone throwing talents.

Goatee put the musical Philistine’s head on a sign at a nearby McDonald’s drive-through adding a surprise feature to the intercom voice that posed the question, “May I take your order please?”.

. . .

“May I take your order please?” The representative of Gilead Sciences Inc. asked the representative from the People’s Liberation Army Biological Warfare Unit in Wuhan, China.

The PLA member pulled out his gun and blew the Gilead Sciences sales representative to kingdom come.

On Thursday February 6th 2020, the Wuhan Institute of Virology announced that they had applied for a Chinese patent on Gilead’s Remdesevir for treating the novel coronavirus (2019- nCoV) that originated in Wuhan China in late 2019.

Gilead Sciences is a research-based biopharmaceutical company that was started 33 years ago in 1987 and has its international headquarters in Foster City, California.

Among its major investors had been Donald Rumsfeld (who was later to serve as Secretary of Defence under U.S. President George W. Bush).

Gilead is a curious name for a biopharmaceutical company.

For in the Bible in Jeremiah Chapter 8 verse 22, the question is posed, “Is there no balm in Gilead? Is there no physician there?” and the response is in Jeremiah Chapter 46, verses 2 and 11, “This is the message of The Lord against the Pharaoh Neco… Go up to Gilead and get balm, oh Virgin Daughter of Egypt, but you multiply remedies in vain; here is no healing for you.”

Jeremiah Chapter 22 verse 6 where God calls the house of Judah by the name Gilead, He says, “yet surely I will make thee a wilderness and cities which are not inhabited.”

Today the city of Wuhan China a city of 11 million people (that’s 2 million more in population than the city of New York) looks like a virtual ghost town being in lockdown over the coronavirus.

Why would a biopharmaceutical company call itself Gilead when the Bible says, “There is no balm in Gilead. There is no healing in Gilead.” ?

There is an 1854 hymn by Washington Glass called The Sinner’s Cure which says, “There is balm in Gilead, to make the wounded whole” but that was due to a misinterpretation of an earlier hymn by John Newton in 1779 which actually referred to Jesus as a healing balm not Gilead.

Biblically speaking, there is no healing balm in Gilead.

. . .

Cthulhu rises
The coronavirus comes
Death rides a pale horse

. . .

-A vampire novel chapter
and a haiku 
written by Christopher
Saturday February 8th
2020.

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Three Blind Mice and The Aesthetic Crusade of Pan Goatee

February 6, 2020 at 11:59 pm (Aesthetics)

Three Blind Mice and The Aesthetic Crusade of Pan Goatee
Genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee (whose serial killing field of specialization was killing ugly women) had a problem.
He had come down with tennis elbow as a result of using his astral laser machete so much the past year due to the vast numbers of ugly women that were out there.
On the positive side, the producer of the early 2010s TV sit com Ugly Betty had recently kicked the bucket and was now roasting away on his barbecue spit in the deepest part of Tartarus to which the Council of Demons and Fallen Angels in unison with Hades, Persephone, the Norse goddess Hel, the Aztec god Mictlantecuhtli and various gods of the underworld in the world’s pantheons (after all Pope Francis in signing the Abu Dhabi statement a year ago today had said that no less a being than the Supreme Creator God of the entire Cosmos had willed the diversity of all religions) had sentenced the notorious criminal against humanity, art and beauty to this deepest and most agonizing of punishments.
After all it was the nefarious influence of this insidious show Ugly Betty that convinced ugly women that it was perfectly okay to be ugly.
Prior to the early 2010s, ugly women did try to make an effort to look as good as possible.
But thanks to the vile influence of the TV show Ugly Betty, ugly women gave up that effort and became even uglier.
And thanks to the increasingly low IQ and low self-respect of males in the Western world that hit that area of the world with the dawn of the 21st Century, ugly women in the 2010s were actually able to get dates (a phenomenon that had never before existed in history prior to that dreadful decade of the 2010s).
The sheer ugliness of the Ugly Betty phenomenon had other dangerous side effects- such as the emergence of Neo-Fascism/Neo-Hitlerism and Neo-Bolshevism/Neo-Stalinism.
The U.S. now stood on the verge of civil war between Neo-Fascist Trump Republicans and Neo-Bolshevik Democrats.
Pan Goatee was trying to restore a semblance of civilization with his astral laser machete beheadings of ugly women and their low IQ boyfriends and husbands.
But alas! he had come down with tennis elbow as a result of having to use his arm so much.
The intelligent rats Socrates and Ben (who had been brought to life off the screen at a repertory theatre showing of the 1971 American horror film Willard) decided to help out Pan Goatee while he was undergoing treatment for tennis elbow (his ailment could not officially be called astral laser machete elbow until that term was officially inserted into the Harvard Medical Dictionary and Goatee’s physician was doing his best to get that term inserted).
Since most rats became violently physically physically ill after eating ugly women, Socrates and Ben had trained 3 blind mice to eat ugly looking women.
No one was sure how the 3 blind mice had become blind.
Tragically their tails had been cut off by a farmer’s wife using a carving knife.
Pan Goatee was in a grocery store shopping for bread, cheese and cold meats when a fat ugly blimp walked into the store.
Pan Goatee immediately text messaged Ben and Socrates. 
The three blind mice were flown in on a drone called The Albatross 2.0
The three blind mice then ate the fat ugly blimp.
It turned out that this evening’s manager of the grocery store was an ugly looking woman as well.
Likewise the 3 blind mice ate her.
As Goatee stood in line at the cash register, the line was held up by some idiot who was arguing about the price of a carton of Pepsi.
After 10 minutes, the moron was still shooting his mouth off about the price of a carton of Pepsi.
Goatee made the Sherlock Holmesian deduction that the loudmouth was such an idiot, there was a very high probability that he was either dating or married to an ugly looking woman.
Goatee text messaged Socrates and Ben.
The 3 blind mice then showed up on The Albatross 2.0 drone and ate the moron.
His carton of Pepsi was then incinerated in the lowest levels of Tartarus just below the spot where the flames were working their painful special magic on the tiny testicles of the producer of the Ugly Betty TV show.
Goatee finally exited the grocery store where a fat ugly blimp was standing there talking to two stupid looking men.
Reading Goatee’s mind, The Albatross 2.0 drone arrived with the 3 Blind Mice in the nick of time.
All 3 scourges of long suffering humanity (i.e. the fat ugly blimp and her two brainless male friends) were then eaten.
Goatee’s evening of course had been thoroughly ruined by this time.
The 3 Blind Mice then went home and read Braille editions of The Necronomicon.
-A vampire novel chapter 
written by Christopher
Thursday February 6th
2020.

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Pan Goatee, Krampus and The Demon Buffalo Headed Metal Rat

January 30, 2020 at 11:09 pm (Aesthetics, Avatar Speaks, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Science-Fiction, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Pan Goatee, Krampus and The Demon Buffalo Headed Metal Rat

The genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee was at a nearby shopping centre.

He had just finished buying several cans of Diet Coca-Cola from the Dollar Store so he could feed his caffeine addiction.

Outside the dollar store, he noticed an ugly looking woman with her stupid looking boyfriend so he beheaded both of them and cut both of them up into 999 trillion pieces each.

Rats soon arrived on the scene and ate the very recently departed pair.

A rodent patrol business operator arrived on the scene and remarked, “Business has never been as brisk as it has been the past week.”

Goatee entered the mall’s food court where another ugly looking woman and her stupid looking boyfriend were leaving the scene of their aesthetic and IQ insulting crimes against humanity.

The satyr quickly beheaded and dismembered them (likewise into 999 trillion pieces each) with his astral laser machete.

A Darth Vader wannabe and pen ultimate Star Wars science-fiction fan (who so far had spent the 1st 35 years of his life living downstairs in his parents’ basement and still didn’t know what a shower was used for) said to himself, “I want to get me one of those” as he looked through the window of the mall’s food court.

Rats likewise came over and ate the aesthetic and IQ challenged deceased couple’s multitudinous remains.

When Goatee went to the Subway sandwich counter, a stupid looking individual stood there at the counter and was taking forever to make up his mind (or whatever little there was of it) to decide what he wanted.

Goatee decided for the individual by beheading him and dismembering him according to the satyr’s OCD pre-ordained numerical ratio.

Goatee then decided to go and make his own sandwich at home.

Rats ate the remains of the mindless loser who had gone totally to pieces at the Subway sandwich counter and then rushed to the nearest washrooms where they tossed their cookies (metaphorically speaking).

On his way out from the mall, Goatee received a phone call from his friend the demon goat Krampus (who held joint Bavarian and Austro-Hungarian citizenship although it did him little good in this global interconnected world since both the kingdom of Bavaria and the Austro-Hungarian Empire no longer existed).

Krampus remarked that within the past 24 hours, he had just developed an allergy to the melody of Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony whenever it was played.

Now, Krampus sighed, he would no longer be able to attend any events where the European Union National Anthem was played.

“What an awful week you’re having, my friend,” Goatee was sympathetic.

. . .

A giant robotic metal rat was being unveiled by Huawei Technologies for this year of the Metal Rat.

As China’s paramount leader Xi Jinping watched the Metal Rat appear, he wondered why it had the head of a demon buffalo.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday January 30th
2020

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Pan Goatee, Krampus and The 200th Anniversary of King George III’s Death

January 29, 2020 at 11:58 pm (Aesthetics, Culture, History, International Intrigue, Literature, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee, Krampus and The 200th Anniversary of King George III’s Death

Pan Goatee was enjoying an egg salad sub sandwich that he had bought from the Subway in the local shopping mall food court.

When he had finished the sandwich, he was going to buy himself a dozen Subway cookies for $6.

Just then an ugly looking female member of the ISIS Islamic State went up to the Subway with her detonation belt.

Goatee quickly beheaded the ugly looking creature before she could do any damage.

Although she had already caused a great deal of damage to the aesthetic environment with her ugliness.

Goatee then cut her up into 999 trillion pieces with his astral laser machete.

Rats recently released from the 1971 American horror film Willard in a repertory theatre then ate the ugly looking female suicide bomber.

They then vomited in nearby washrooms.

Goatee received a text message from the demon goat Krampus.

Krampus told Goatee that he had recently developed an allergy to the musical melody of the Johann Strauss waltz The Blue Danube whenever it was played.

“Wow, what a bummer,” Goatee stated sympathetically.

. . .

Today was the 200th Anniversary of King George III’s death.

And as such, Hades the god of the Underworld had granted the ghost of King George III a temporary dispensation to leave the Underworld.

As Cerberus was busy licking up the salt remains of Lot’s wife at the entrance/exit to the Underworld, the English poets Robert Southey and Lord Byron both stood there weeping at the cave of Hades/Sheol as they watched the late King George III of England leave (albeit only for a day).

Southey and Byron were not weeping over the late George III’s temporary absence but over the fact that both poets were wrong over their respective visions of judgment of King George III’s soul.

For George III had not entered heaven according to either man’s poetic thesis but was rather still currently spending a lot more time in Purgatory than either poet imagined (since neither Southey nor Byron had believed in Purgatory in their mortal lives).

The only people who were more upset than Southey or Byron at George III leaving Purgatory were the Puritan founders of America (who were mainly upset by the fact that Purgatory existed).

Hades and Persephone, after consultation with various devils and fallen angels, had come to the conclusion that the greatest Purgatorial punishment for the Puritans was for the ghost of Hamlet’s father King Hamlet of Denmark to drop by on a daily basis (as they were roasting away on their barbecue spits) and bang his staff (borrowed from Tolkien’s Middle Earth hero Gandalf) and announce to them, “The Bard was right. The Bard was right.” 

He would then break into his speech that he had once delivered to young Hamlet,

“I am thy father’s spirit,
Doomed for a certain term to walk the night
And for the day confined to fast in fires,
Till the foul crimes done in my days of nature 
Are burnt and purged away.”

And then as ever on a daily basis, Oliver Cromwell was cut up and put into an Irish shepherd’s pie and roasted in the oven.

Only to be repeated the next day.

George III spent his 200th deathday watching the impeachment trial of Donald Trump in the U.S. Senate while sitting next to U.S. Chief Justice John Roberts in the Senate chamber.

“So, this is what Washington and Jefferson and Ben Franklin’s project has come to,” George III laughed as he drank his now tax free ghostly tea rescued from the bottom of Boston Harbour.

As for Ben Franklin and his friend the English aristocratic rake Sir Francis Dashwood, they no longer found the terms “Members of the Hellfire Club” so funny anymore.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday January 29th
2020.

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Willard 1971 Film Characters Show Up In The Year of The Rat

January 25, 2020 at 11:57 pm (Aesthetics, Culture, Film, magic, Movies, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Willard 1971 Film Characters Show Up In The Year of The Rat

“When was this photo taken?” British MP Renfield R. Renfield asked art gallery owner Dashwood Forrest as he held a martini (stirred not shaken) at an exhibition of the photographs that never made it into LIFE Magazine during the years of its existence.

“Sometime in the 1950s in Havana, Cuba,” Forrest answered.

“That’s a zombie isn’t it?” Renfield inquired.

“It is,” Forrest replied as he accepted the cocktail drink called the Zombie that was handed to him by his living dead walking dead Irish manservant Mulligan the Irish zombie.

Dead skeleton meets living dead Zombie.

. . .

Krampus the demon-goat of old Bavaria and the old Austro-Hungarian Empire received an elegantly written handwritten note from his friend the genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee (who specialized in killing ugly women) complaining about the vast number of ugly women living in the City of Calgary.

Krampus decided to help his friend out.

He went to a Calgary repertory theatre that were showing the 1971 American horror film Willard (about a young man who trains rats to eat people) to mark the start of the new Chinese lunar new year The Year of the Rat that begins today.

It was the sort of thing that a city like Calgary known for its brainless white Caucasian males (with the exception of Pan Goatee as well as a journalist/historian/geopolitical analyst who lived on a medical disability pension) and its hideous repulsively ugly Caucasian white females (of which sadly there were very few exceptions) would put on to mark the start of a Chinese New Year that called itself the Year of The Rat.

Krampus went to the theatre and calling upon an ancient spell from an ancient Aztec copy of The Necronomicon brought the rats to life off the movie screen and into the theatre where they proceeded to eat the brainless white men and the ugly white women.

After vomiting their unsatisfactory meals into the theatre toilets and urinals, the rats then went running out into the streets of Calgary.

Fortunately a former Neo-Nazi (who this morning had become a born again non-white supremacist after seeing how ugly the white women of Calgary were thus showing the idea of whites being the master race to be a total lie) had already left the downtown core and so avoided being eaten by the rats.

Pan Goatee meanwhile was entering his nearby shopping mall food court.

Approaching from the direction of the public library was an ugly looking white woman who looked like a hideous medieval cathedral gargoyle sporting an Afro.

“Cultural appropriation again, eh, you pathetic blemish on the peas in the garden of Mendelian genetics,” Goatee remarked as he beheaded the creature and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.

As he walked away, no dark glasses wearing and barf bag wearing Hounds of Hell showed up.

As they were all being treated for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder from trying to environmentally dispose of Goatee’s uglocidal victims the other day.

Goatee went inside the food court where he was enjoying a Vietnamese submarine sandwich and a Lebanese donair style pizza.

Unfortunately for him, the most hideously ugly thin stoat sized white woman in all recorded history walked by and walked around the food court.

Goatee immediately cut up the ugly woman into 999 trillion pieces without bothering to behead her first.

He put on Welder’s glasses and put his astral laser machete on slow-mo (for slow motion) to take its time on cutting up the ugly looking creature into tiny pieces.

Using the Michtlantecuhtli tempus suspendendi ray, Goatee was able to withhold death from ending the uglo’s agony until such time as the 999 trillionth piece fell to the floor.

“How am I going to clean up this mess?” The food court janitor asked as he arrived on the scene.

His answer soon became apparent with the arrival of hundreds of thousands of rats who appeared and proceeded to eat up the Guinness Book of World Records holding uglo thin sized stoat award winner.

Another group of hundreds of thousands of rats went into the washroom where they vomited up the remains of the white uglo looking gargoyle with the Afro they had encountered and eaten outside.

Well so far today, Goatee had encountered an uglo looking gargoyle and an uglo looking stoat.

All that was needed to totally ruin his day was for him to encounter a fat ugly blimp.

That happened as soon as he went outside to cross the street to the bus stop in front of the high school.

There approaching him was a fat ugly blimp with her stupid looking brainless white boyfriend (with lousy taste in women).

Goatee beheaded the blimp as well as her stupid boyfriend.

He cut up both uglo and brainless boyfriend into 999 trillion pieces each.

He wasn’t sure what 999 trillion x 2 was as he had left his antique Chinese abacus at home.

He wondered if it would have taken him awhile to figure out that particular multiplication.

Oh well, he wouldn’t worry about it, he thought as he headed for home.

Up on the roof of the high school, Socrates and Ben the two mastermind rats who lead the band of rats in the 1971 film Willard were busy examining the satellite TV dish at the top of the high school as there were no satellite TV dishes on top of high schools back in the era of 1971.

. . .

The demon Mephistopheles to the Norse goddess Hel: I wonder what the Year of the Rat will bring, my dear?

. . .

Yaya Han the Chinese leprechaun had a combined Chinese Lunar New Year/Robbie Burns Day dinner celebration with Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun.

They had sweet and sour haggis as a Beijing wrestler wearing a little known Ming Dynasty tartan style kilt recited Robbie Burns’ Address To A Haggis before plunging the ancient Chinese dagger into the haggis.

-A vampire novel chapter 
written by Christopher
Saturday January 25th
2020.

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