Pan Goatee’s Saturday Afternoon On The Last Weekend In March

March 30, 2019 at 9:03 pm (Aesthetics, Arts, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , )

DARPA contract assassin and genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee (whose serial killing specialty was killing ugly woman) was in the food court of a nearby restaurant where he had picked up a submarine sandwich from Subway.

His enjoyment of his sub was soon ruined by the sight of a fat ugly blimp waddling in front of him.

The fat ugly blimp picked up two large containers of food from a Lebanese food take out place and then two large containers of food from a Chinese food take out place.

“Well, it’s no great mystery as to why you’re the size of a behemoth,” Goatee remarked as he reached into his holster, pulled out his astral laser machete and beheaded the creature.

After tossing his cookies (metaphorically speaking) into a nearby garbage can (the aftereffect of beholding the grisly gruesome sight), Goatee walked to a nearby McDonald’s to buy himself a large double double coffee.

Upon approaching the entrance, to the left (from Pan’s viewpoint) was a teen-aged fat ugly blimp with pink and purple coloured hair.

Goatee had nothing against females with pink and purple coloured hair save when they adorned the elephantine heads of fat ugly blimps.

The revolting and sickening sight more properly belonged in a circus tent (like Archie Bunker used to sing about in the theme song on the old All In The Family TV show, “Freaks were in a circus tent, those were the days.”) with a sign above the tent entrance that read ABANDON ALL HOPE YE WHO ENTER HERE to those stupid enough to part with their hard earned money just to see a repulsive blood-curdling stomach churning mind numbing sight that could easily be replicated by staying home and doing their income tax returns (which also would have been an experience far more enjoyable).

Goatee promptly beheaded the fat ugly blimp with pink and purple hair who could easily serve as the poster child for GSAs (Gay-Straight Alliances) in Alberta schools driving most hormonally aroused and voice changing males towards the “G” side of that equation.

Fortunately there seemed to be mainly beautiful women inside the McDonald’s which prevented Pan’s large double double coffee from joining his Subway sandwich in the Tossed Cookies Department.

Upon leaving the McDonald’s restaurant to walk home, he noticed a flat trailer truck broken down at the side of the road.

Outside the broken down truck were a fat ugly blimp, her brainless husband and a kid.

“Well, no doubt the fat ugly blimp which far exceeds the province’s heavy load weight restrictions was responsible for this truck’s breakdown,” Goatee said as he approached and beheaded the blimp.

Goatee then beheaded the brainless husband remarking, “And that’s for being so stupid as to have sexual relations with a human-walrus hybrid.”

He then turned his attention to the kid, “The offspring of ugliness and stupidity does not a fine progeny make” and beheaded him.

He was sure the genetics textbooks at home would validate his impromptu on the spot empirical assessment.

Meanwhile the computers at DARPA were down again as a result of a Chinese Communist EMP (electro-magnetic pulse) attack on the system in response to Donald Trump tweeting an Executive Order that there were to be no EMP attacks on the U.S.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday March 30th
2019

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Trump’s Norwegian Blue Parrot, An Alcoholic Hag and A Portrait of Lord Byron

March 16, 2019 at 8:17 pm (Aesthetics, Arts, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Donald Trump had a bunch of papers in front of him as Lexington his English butler and valet poured the tea.

“More summaries of your opponents’ tweets from across the world, sir?” Lexington asked.

“Not today, Lexington,” Trump replied, “Today I’m reading field reports from DARPA operatives across the world.”

“And where is that report doused with the most hideous looking and awful smelling blood stains from?” Lexington asked as he closed his eyes and held his nose.

“That would be Pan Goatee reporting from Calgary, Alberta, Canada,” Trump answered.

“Most Calgary white women are quite repulsively ugly, most Calgary white women are quite repulsively ugly,” Trump’s Norwegian blue parrot insightfully commented from atop his perch.

“Sounds like your parrot has read the report before you,” Lexington remarked.

“Sounds like it,” Trump had to admit.

. . .

Pan Goatee left the mall in the immigrant neighbourhood where he lived.

So far his day had gone well.

He had not yet encountered a repulsively ugly looking white woman – which was the result of a Norse trickster god Loki administered genetic hybrid breeding program gone hellishly beyond Hell.

Then his luck ran out.

The hazards of not being Irish the day before Saint Patrick’s Day.

A repulsive ugly looking white woman with a huge 24 can pack of Labatt’s beer emerging from a nearby liquor store stepped in front of him.

“Ah fuck!” Goatee exclaimed, “Just what the world needs at the moment, another hideous looking alcoholic hag!”.

Goatee beheaded the horror that came from beneath Baphomet’s Petri dish.

And with one full swoop of his astral laser machete, he simultaneously robbed both Alcoholics Anonymous and Uglos Anonymous of a potential new member.

. . .


Portrait of Lord Byron

“For a moment, I thought Lord Byron was giving me the raised middle finger,” British Prime Minister Theresa May gasped as she unveiled the painting in the Dashwood Forrest Art Gallery.

“That will come later,” British Labour Party leader Jeremy Corbyn remarked.

Dashwood Forrest the Oscar Wilde admiring art gallery owner sighed as his living dead Irish manservant Mulligan the Irish zombie’s fingers started peeling off his hands as he carried around a tray of cheese and crackers to the various art show patrons.

He hated having politicians showing up to these events.

. . .

French President Emmanuel Macron was considering hosting a major art exhibit of 19th Century French Impressionists in the near future.

And the thought occurred to him that he should invite both America’s Donald Tump and North Korea’s Kim Jong-un to the opening.

After all, Macron thought as he ate a Kit Kat bar, what could possibly go wrong?

Outside the French Presidential Palace, a Kraken wearing a yellow vest was crawling up the side of the building.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday March 16th
2019.

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The Time Has Come, The Walrus Said, To Stop Interbreeding With Humans

January 17, 2019 at 11:53 pm (Aesthetics, Culture, Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , )

Pan Goatee was standing at the public transit train platform after a hard afternoon of laughing at Donald Trump’s tweets.

Earlier he had walked by an indoor sand box at an indoor day care center where a rather stupid looking young boy had said to a rather airheaded looking young girl, “Well if you’re going to cancel my State of The Union address, I’m going to cancel your taxpayer funded military flight to Afghanistan.”

“Kids these days,” Goatee thought to himself.

Of course the adults in this city were even worse particularly the large corps of repulsively ugly looking woman in the city.

One ugly looking creature (no doubt the product of some illicit liason between a human and a gargoyle that sent poor Quasimodo plunging to his death off Notre Dame’s bell tower when he saw the sickening spectacle that would inspire English metaphysical poet John Donne to state centuries later, “Ask not for whom the bell tolls.”) tried to walk in front of Goatee.

The genetically created satyr serial killer promptly beheaded the ugly looking creature.

Goatee later boarded a bus at another train station to get home.

An extremely aesthetically facially challenged fat ugly blimp (no doubt another abomination of desolation genetic hybrid of some stupid drunken Calgary male’s illicit interbreeding liason with a fat ugly female walrus along the banks of the Bow River during the sobriety challenged days and nights of the Calgary Stampede) boarded the bus and Goatee promptly beheaded the fat ugly blimp.

He then cut her up into 666 sextillion pieces with his astral laser machete.

One Master’s Degree in Psychology student on the bus wondered to himself if this was an example of the toxic masculinity that the American Psychological Association and the latest new Gillette ads were warning people about.

“Well,” Pan Goatee, who had been developing his psychic powers for DARPA by staring at his own goat’s legs, answered the psychology student’s subconscious question, “My masculinity is certainly toxic for fat ugly blimps who are of course themselves highly toxic to earth’s aesthetic environment. Pope Francis should really praise my work in his next papal encyclical.”

When he got home, he noticed a fat ugly blimp walking kitty corner across from his house so he promptly beheaded her.

As he was about to cut the blimp’s head and body into 666 sextillion pieces (he seemed to have an obsessive compulsive disorder about that number Goatee thought to himself just like the Serbian-American inventor Nikola Tesla had an obsessive compulsive disorder about the number 3- he really should ask his psychiatrist about that at his next session), he received a text message on his Huawei smart phone that he wouldn’t be paid for this past month’s contract assassin work for DARPA as apparently his contract fell under the terms of the U.S. government shutdown.

“What the fuck!” Goatee foamed with rage, “DARPA scientists like Hyperion Sturm still get paid for developing AI robots for DARPA whose artificial stupidity would be second to none against AI assistants like Amazon’s Alexa and the Autoincorrect on the Samsung Galaxy tablet while I don’t get paid for bumping off high ranking bureaucrats in the Justin Trudeau government in an effort to make Donald Trump happy because he knows deep down in his cold metallic heart that Canada’s pot smoking boy wonder is a lot better looking than he is with his piss orange coloured toupee.”

Goatee immediately called his demon goat assistant Krampus the 2nd (genetically cloned from Saint Nicholas’ demon goat assistant on his December excursions throughout Bavaria and the former realms of the Hapsburg Austro-Hungarian Empire- the original Krampus) for assistance.

. . .

Donald Trump approached his bed.

He looked at the blankets and noticed there looked to be what appeared to be a head under his blanket.

Trump wondered whether he had pissed off any Russian racetrack owners lately.

He couldn’t ask his English butler and valet Lexington to look under the covers for him as Lexington had taken the evening off to go see the 1962 film The Manchurian Candidate that was playing at a Washington DC repertory theatre.

Finally Trump worked up the nerve to look under the covers himself.

He screamed the most bloodcurdling scream ever screamed in the history of the White House.

For there under the covers on his bed was the decapitated head of a hideous repulsively ugly fat ugly blimp.

Trump’s National Security advisor found the Donald a couple of hours later on his bedroom floor in a total state of shock clutching a pillow which had a picture of Marlon Brando as the Godfather on it while the Donald mumbled aloud the immortal words of England’s King Richard III in Act V Scene iv of William Shakespeare’s immortal play Richard III, “A horse, a horse! My kingdom for a horse!”.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday January 17th
2019.

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Pan Goatee and The Curse of The New Year’s Blimp

January 2, 2019 at 9:31 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations) ()

Pan Goatee thought his 2019 was off to a good start.

So far he hadn’t seen any fat ugly blimps or thin ugly stoats or average weight ugly gargoyles which seemed to constitute the vast majority of the white female population of Calgary.

But that was on New Year’s Day- a day he didn’t go out for obvious reasons (because of what he did New Year’s Eve).

But lo and behold the uglos were out in force today when he had to go get some groceries.

A stupid ugly stoat woman got off the bus in front of his house so of course he beheaded her.

Another ugly stoat woman likewise walked by.

Off with her head.

A fat ugly blimp took her four legged dog for a walk on his street.

So off with her head as well.

Goatee decided to go get groceries.

Usually the neighbourhood he walked through to get to the grocery store was made up of visible minority families.

He did this because visible minority women were certainly a Hell of a lot more attractive than their fat ugly blimp, thin ugly stoat or average weight ugly gargoyle Caucasian female counterparts.

As the noted Canadian archivist and historical researcher Jack Morrow put it, visible minority women “have yet to acquire the bad habits and physiques of Trudeaupian women.”

Trudeaupia was what Jack Morrow called Canada ever since the Marxist asshole Pierre Elliot Trudeau (the father of Canada’s current pot smoking Prime Minister Justin) became Prime Minister back on April 20th 1968.

The country had been going rapidly down hill ever since.

Symptomatic of which the women who had lived in Canada at the time of Turdeau’s taking office (Turdeau was what Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing called Trudeau) and their daughters and granddaughters and all their descendants kept getting uglier and uglier with each passing year.

It symbolized the Dominion of Canada’s decline into the mess currently called Trudeaupia.

And the hideousness of Trudeaupia’s women were open facial sores of a once great country’s decline.

Sadly for Pan Goatee, when he walked to the grocery store through that neighbourhood, the streets and sidewalks were rather icy.

Once he bought his groceries, he figured he better walk back through the white neighbourhood (that the City of Calgary discriminatingly kept free of ice and snow) so that he wouldn’t fall and slip while carrying them.

And wouldn’t you know it being the totally inconsiderate creeps that fat ugly blimps are by their very nature, they were naturally out and about as Goatee was walking through the neighbourhood.

One fat ugly blimp waiting at a bus stop with six shopping carts full of clothing (in extra extra extra x infinity and beyond large size) tried to walk in front of Goatee.

Goatee immediately punched the fat ugly blimp in her repulsively ugly face and continued to pummel her with his fists and the cloven hooves on his feet until she died.

He then continued walking.

Another fat ugly blimp and her moronic low IQ husband were on the street removing groceries (of which there seemed to be an excessively large amount) from the back of an SUV.

Goatee beheaded both blimp and moron.

He finally reached home.

Why do blimps always have to ruin New Year’s?

Meanwhile a television camera had fallen from the Goodyear blimp on to the Samsung built and designed AI robot who was impersonating Apple CEO Tim Cook (the real Tim Cook was currently dead having eaten a poisoned apple pie given him by British MP Renfield R. Renfield and Chinese government operative Ho Babylon Minh the granddaughter of Vietnamese President Ho Chi Minh).

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday January 2nd
2018.

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Goatee Slays Uglos, Renfield Poisons Apples and Allatallahbel Desolates The Vatican

December 27, 2018 at 11:56 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, Humour, International Intrigue, News, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee had been in a good mood on Christmas Day because he hadn’t encountered any repulsively ugly women.

He wasn’t in such a good mood yesterday because some ugly woman tried to ride alongside him on a escalator so he promptly beheaded the bitch.

Then it turned out that the grocery stores in his neighbourhood were closed for boxing day so he wasn’t able to buy any groceries.

Today wasn’t such a good day either because when he went to pick up his subsidized transit pass (Goatee got a subsidized low-income transit pass for medical reasons since his doctor had certified him as homicidally insane and therefore this made him eligible for medical benefits such as a low-income transit pass), he discovered that his photo id had expired.

The clerk gave him a low-income transit pass for next month anyways but told him he would definitely need a new photo id for next month (it was lucky for the clerk that he did that for otherwise he would have been beheaded by Pan Goatee).

“Why the Hell do you need a fucking new photo id all the time?” Goatee fumed, “Proof positive that the days of the Antichrist and the Mark of the Beast are upon us.”

He beheaded a fat ugly blimp in a wheelchair who tried to get in his way.

“You know back in my day, we used to have only good looking people in wheelchairs,” the ghost of Raymond Burr remarked to the satyr serial killer after Goatee had beheaded the fat ugly blimp.

“Mister, we could use a disabled person like Police Detective Robert Ironside again,” Pan Goatee sang a paraphrased version of that old Archie Bunker All In The Family song about Herbert Hoover.

He then beheaded a few more ugly women around the transit place.

“If Semjaza and his Merry band of Watchers came down to Earth today,” Goatee did an impromptu theological exposition on the Book of I Enoch,
“they sure as Hell wouldn’t be mating with the daughters of men now not when they look like the daughters of walruses, stoats and gargoyles.”

Goatee was momentarily pleased when he actually saw a beautiful woman wearing a short skirt and black silk pantyhose exiting a building but she was immediately followed by an ugly stoat looking woman whom he promptly beheaded.

Later on the bus ride home, Goatee encountered another ugly stoat looking woman who in addition to being stoatly ugly was wearing a fashion designer’s nightmare of barf green coloured checkered pants with unmatching yellow striped purple running shoes.

The genetically created satyr serial killer promptly beheaded her much to the relief, delight and applause of the ghosts of Oscar Wilde, Friedrich Nietzsche, Yves Saint Laurent and the still living (but almost died when he saw the colour blind hideous fashion ensemble wearing ugly looking stoat monstrosity) Karl Lagerfeld.

Later a walrus looking fat ugly blimp got off the bus in front of Pan Goatee’s house so he beheaded that creature from Hell as well.

. . .

The two chief scientists in charge of Product Development at Apple (both of whom were appointed after the death of Steve Jobs) twin brothers Dr. Shitticus Constipationio and Dr. Shitticus Diarrheaosis (both men’s family surnames were their first names) were up shit creek.

The CEO of the company Tim Cook had died after eating a poisoned apple pie given to him by British MP Renfield R. Renfield.

The gay Apple CEO had a passionate crush on the British MP who was someday expected to become Prime Minister of Britain and the Sir Winston Churchill of the 21st Century so gladly accepted the apple pie from him.

Chinese government operative Ho Babylon Minh (the granddaughter of Vietnamese President Ho Chi Minh) knew of Cook’s crush on Renfield R. Renfield and thus after putting the Dr. Cadbury Rocher designed Snow White Red Rose Black Death apples in a pie got Renfield to deliver them.

Cook’s homicide was revenge on the part of the Beijing government for the U.S. government ordered Justin Trudeau cannabis Canadian complicit arrest of Huawei CFO Meng Wanzhou at Vancouver International Airport.

Renfield agreed because he didn’t like the idea of a very attractive Asian Dragon sister like Meng Wanzhou having been put in a Vancouver jail when there were so many obnoxious ugly white women walking the streets of Calgary, Alberta, Canada and nobody was doing a damned thing about it with the exception of genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee.

Now Cook was dead and put on ice (in hopes there would be somebody who could bring him back from the dead).

In the meantime a humanoid looking robot who resembled Cook was putting in public appearances so that no one would know Cook had died.

The embarrasing part was the Tim Cook looking humanoid robot had been built and designed by Samsung (Apple’s South Korean competitor) since after Steve Jobs’ death, Apple had become incapable of building a good product.

And they the Shitticus Brothers were to blame.

. . .

Back in 855 AD, a Kabbalistic Gnostic Apostolate operating covertly in the Catholic Church had finally succeeded in putting a woman (a witch) on the papal throne as Pope John VIII.

The woman became known to history as Pope Joan.

Joannes Anglicus (her Latin name as Pope) had disguised herself as a man.

Her womanhood was revealed in 857 AD when she gave birth in the midst of a papal procession.

Now the vampiress Allatallahbel (the Vampiress Priestess of Baal) was hoping to openly be elected Pope when Francis either kicked the bucket or resigned.


The Vampiress Allatallahbel (the Vampiress Priestess of Baal) plans to become the next Pope.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday December 27th
2018.

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Pan Goatee Slays More Repulsive Ugly Women and Their Moronic Low IQ Boyfriends

December 18, 2018 at 11:56 pm (Aesthetics, Art, Entertainment, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Vampire novel) (, , )

Pan Goatee had spent the night tracking down people who leave their chewed chewing gum on seats of transit trains and transit buses.

Goatee had worn a nice pair of pants to a Christmas dinner put on for a local charity last night.

The charity organizers were obviously big on aesthetics (no doubt they had read the works of Oscar Wilde and Friedrich Nietzsche on the subject) because in addition to having the tables and the room beautifully decorated, the vast majority of women at the event were beautiful (a major accomplishment in a city where the vast majority of women were quite mind numbingly ugly- the city where the person who coined the phrase “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder” when he visited the place immediately gouged out both his eyes with the paintbrush Vincent Van Gogh held in his hands when he cut his ear off).

Unfortunately for Pan Goatee, when he rode the train back to the closest train station to his home bus route, he must have sat on a seat where some total moron (the sort of person who would probably be one of the few to land a permanently employed position in the Trump White House) had placed a ton sized wad of chewing gum on the seat which stuck to Goatee’s pants and thoroughly ruined thrm.

The nice set of pants had been given to him as a gift for his birthday a few weeks earlier and now thanks to some total moron with the manners of an orc born at the bottom of a prairie farm outhouse, those pants were thoroughly ruined and could not be saved.

Goatee went down to the Transit Security Video Observation Room and caught the offending perpetrator on tape.

Goatee showed the tape to a 3-headed dog (who was possessed by the ghost of the Hound of the Baskervilles and two demons) who was currently visiting Canada from England.

The 3-headed dog tracked the boorish moron down to his home and Goatee had spent the night cutting up the bad mannered outhouse bottom dwelling orc into tiny pieces all the while making sure that he was alive the entire time to enjoy the sensation of his total bodily dismemberment.

Sadly for the orc, he didn’t really enjoy the sensation of his total bodily dismemberment but then Goatee didn’t really give a fuck.

And considering the aesthetically facially challenged appearance of most of the women in this town, not giving a fuck was something Goatee was definitely used to.

When all that was left of the ill-mannered outhouse bottom dwelling orc was his still living and pain sensation feeling head, Goatee put the head in a metallic vise loaded with chewed chewing gum and quite literally put the squeeze on it.

He recorded the screams of the orc as his head was squeezed to death in the chewed chewing gum filled vise.

He then text messaged the screams to a producer of death heavy metal band music as a demo.

3 minutes later, the death heavy metal music producer text messaged Goatee right back saying that it was the greatest musical sound that he had ever heard in his life and he wanted to sign the band right away.

Goatee replied that the song would have to be a one hit wonder like some early ’80s (or was it late ’70s) female singer who used only her first name and sang about how “I’ve been to paradise but I’ve never been to me” and then went into the obscurity she so richly deserved after releasing the song.

Goatee thought the singer’s single one hit wonder name might have been Charlene and his mind’s eye could picture Olivia de Havilland singing to Bette Davis, “Hush, hush, sour Charlene, I’ll hate your song until the day you die…”

“Hush, hush, sour Charlene…”

When the producer asked why the song would have to be a one hit wonder on the part of the death heavy metal band, Goatee replied that it was because the band’s lead singer and sole instrumentalist was now dead and resting in pieces.

. . .

Goatee decided to catch the bus to the McDonalds at the nearby shopping center rather than walk as he had twisted his ankle earlier in the day.

Usually the bus going west at this time of evening wasn’t crowded.

But as the bad luck poor Pan Goatee had been having ever since the late ungreat El Stupido had put bubble gum on transit train seats ruining his dress pants, some stupid inconsiderate ugly woman would naturally be riding the bus at this time along with her two low IQ boyfriends.

“Great god of beauty and aesthetics Apollo,” Pan Goatee moaned aloud, “Two of them. Fauning and fondling her and her wish is their every command. Well, Donald Trump is probably grateful for the existence of IQ challenged Calgary white males because they make him look like Albert Einstein, Stephen Hawking, Rembrandt, Beethoven, Shakespeare and Dostoevsky all rolled into one by comparison.”

Pan Goatee went up and beheaded the obnoxious trio before they ruined anyone else of the joy of the Christmas season.

When he got off the bus, another ugly white woman and her low IQ white boyfriend were crossing the street.

Goatee then beheaded the scourge of humanity couple but not before the damage had already been done.

Some drivers blinded by the sight or overtaken by the paroxymsm of massive vomiting and regurgitation had already smashed their vehicles into light poles.

Goatee entered the McDonald’s and after buying himself a Coke went and sat down.

Goatee turned to his left where he was once again sickened by the sight of a fat ugly white blimp and her stupid low IQ white boyfriend.

Contrast that with the two beautiful African Muslim women who were sitting there at another table in their elegant stylish looking long skirts as opposed to the baggy trousers and great grandma style moo-moos the fat ugly blimps of the city wore.

Pan Goatee was reminded of the words that Canada’s greatest research librarian and historical archivist Jack Morrow had spoken many years ago, “Thank God for liberalized immigration laws.”

Goatee uttered a quick “Amen” and then crossed himself with the Sign of the Cross before going over and beheading the fat ugly blimp and her low IQ boyfriend.

“To Hell with the both of you,” Goatee shouted.

A homeless man outside the McDonalds who was using a copy of Pope Francis’ most recent statement against capital punishment as a roll of toilet paper to wipe his crappy ass smiled approvingly and gave the thumbs up.

. . .

As Goatee then walked up to the grocery store some blocks away, he reflected on a statement that Rush Limbaugh had made some years ago,

“In North America,” Limbaugh had astutely observed, “Feminism is a movement designed to help ugly physically unattractive women enter the mainstream of society.”

And in the City of Calgary, North American feminism had triumphed to “Infinity and beyond” as Buzz Lightyear might put it before puking his guts out.

A male supporter of feminism at the start of the early 20th Century who had visited Calgary in the year 2018 and then returned to his own time would have said, “I have seen the future and it is a NIGHTMARE.”

While at the grocery store, Goatee noticed a fat ugly blimp who was busy buying 20 bags of groceries.

“I imagine all that food would probably serve as appetizers before your main course,” Goatee remarked before beheading her.

. . .

Meanwhile over in Sweden outside a Swedish church lay the dismembered bodies of two more of Goatee’s victims – the bodies of ghost rider Muerte Noir and his horse Equus Beelzebar who had made the mistake of trying to kill a beautiful woman who was playing the role of Santa Lucia in a Santa Lucia Night church service this past December 13th 2018.


Muerte Noir and Equus Beelzebar as they looked in life.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday December 18th
2018.

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Renfield’s Analysis of China’s Rise and America’s Decline While Pan Goatee Slays More Repulsively Ugly Women

December 14, 2018 at 11:54 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, History, International Espionage, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, Spy Tales, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Apple CEO Tim Cook was in a coma after having eaten a poisoned apple delivered to him by British MP Renfield R. Renfield and Vietnamese vampiress Ho Babylon Minh as an early Christmas present sent by the Chinese government.

Apple Ltd. had sent for the Prince at Disneyland’s Snow White exhibit to come and kiss the gay Apple CEO on the lips in hopes that this would rouse him from his poisoned apple induced sleep.

However thanks to frothing at the mouth foaming and raving feminist blowhards, a Prince was no longer part of the Disneyland Snow White exhibit since being kissed on the lips by a man was obviously a denial of her female empowerment.

Just like the Seven Dwarves were no longer called the Seven Dwarves (since such a term was insultingly offensive to vertically challenged people in these politically correct times).

They were now called the Seven Stewards of The Forest (to show Disneyland was in tune with the environmentalist agenda).

So Tim Cook had been hoisted by his own petard- the ideology of political correctness that he and his fellow high-tech global conglomerate CEOs sought to inflict on the world.

Renfield had returned to Britain.

He was due to give an interview in person to BBC television.

But once again the London trolley bus he was riding was stuck behind some stupid motorist who had ignored all the flashing lights, warning and stop signs and had become embedded in a motor vehicle trap on the single lane one way street that was meant for buses only.

By chance someone had a plastic container jug of petrol (that’s gasoline for all you Americans out there) on the bus and a woman happened to have a cigarette lighter so Renfield used both items to pull a Raymond Red Reddington (a la Blacklist) and poured gasoline all over the head of the bozo motorist and his equally bozo passengers and then set fire to the empty minded bodily appendanges all the while singing “Burn, baby, burn, disco inferno” from Saturday Night Fever.

He finally reached BBC studios.

He was asked to respond to Canadian media commentators who were saying that China would probably release the two detained Canadians detained by China on “charges of spying” that occurred right after the arrest of Huawei CFO Meng Wanzhou in Vancouver British Columbia at the behest of the U.S. government.

“Canadian media commentators have no clue as to what they’re talking about,” was Renfield’s response.

“But they point out that Chinese government officials have not linked the sudden detention of the two Canadians to Miss Meng’s arrest which gives one hope that they’ll be released,” said the BBC interviewer.

“The reason why Chinese officials have not publicly linked the arrest of the two Canadians to Miss Meng’s arrest is because unlike most politicians and government officials in the Western world, the Chinese actually have brains,” Renfield remarked as he used chopsticks to eat his tuna fish sandwiches, “they do not have a Donald Trump who moronically tweets state intelligence, defense and foreign policy secrets in his public Twitter account 24 hours a day. Nor do they have an Emmanuel Macron who is the 8th intellectual dwarf of the modern world (or the 8th intellectual steward of the forest as Disneyland and the IQ challenged administrators of the Calgary Zoo Winter Wonderland Snow White Themed Fairy Tale For 2018 Exhibit might put it). Or a Theresa May who has managed to turn a Brexit deal into the worst of all possible worlds for both British EU inners and outters alike and the total awestruck speechlessness of the ghosts of both Leibniz and Voltaire.”

“But U.S. Secretary of State Mike Pompeo today stood shoulder to shoulder with Canadian Foreign Affairs Minister Chrystia Freeland and demanded the release of the two Canadian detainees or else,” the BBC interviewer quipped.

“And I’m sure China’s supreme leader Xi Jinping is really quaking in his Ming Dynasty glass slippers at that earthshaking pronouncement,” Renfield opened his fortune cookie which bore the fortune, GREAT DEALS ON REDECORATING 10 DOWNING STREET WHEN YOU MOVE IN, “America is a country on its way down. That’s why they elected as President Donald Trump a man who has all the characteristics of the insane Roman Emperor Caligula. And the candidate who ran against him was one Hillary Clinton a woman who has all the characteristics of the violin playing Emperor Nero’s mommie dearest Agrippina Minor with all her shrewishness and inherent insanity thereof. America is on the way down. China is a country on the way up. As the ghost of the Emperor Napoleon I Bonaparte said to me the other day as I was polishing an apple, “The sleeping dragon has awakened.”

. . .

Pan Goatee immediately cut off the head of the ugly looking female high school student as she boarded the transit bus.

“Aesthetic beauty Akbar,” Pan Goatee shouted in an obvious plagiarism of a militant Islamist terrorist’s phrase.

Later when he walked to a McDonald’s restaurant to buy their $1 coffee special (while the Church Advent fasting season was still on), he encountered a fat ugly blimp female high school student with her father.

“Aesthetic beauty Akbar,” Goatee once again plagiarized the militant Islamist terrorist’s favourite phrase as he beheaded the fat ugly blimp.

“Death to morons who fuck fat ugly blimps and produce similar looking female progeny,” Goatee beheaded the Badyear Blimp’s father.

After drinking coffee at McDonald’s, he went to a grocery store where a thin ugly anorexic skeletal female was leaving the store with her IQ challenged boyfriend.

“Aesthetic beauty Akbar,” Goatee shouted as he beheaded the creature and engaged in his third strike designed to piss off a militant Islamist terrorist umpire.

“And death to the morons who fuck them,” Goatee sounded like he was auditioning for a Martin Scorsese remake of an old Film Noir movie as he beheaded the IQ challenged boyfriend.

Later when he was leaving the grocery store with bottles of Coca-Cola, he encountered another thin ugly anorexic skeletal female and her low IQ boyfriend.

“Aesthetic beauty Akbar!” Goatee shouted as he beheaded the Weight Watchers’ after picture from Hell moments before getting a text message from ISIS Islamic State’s lawyer saying he was being sued for Copyright violations.

Goatee then beheaded the ugly creature’s low IQ boyfriend while shouting, “And death to the morons who fuck them!” in a line surely designed to land him an Oscar nomination for Best Supporting Actor at the Academy Awards.

. . .

The Byzantine Vampiress Theodora was in Kiev Ukraine where tomorrow the Unification Council of the Autocephalous Ukrainian Orthodox Church of Kiev would be held to elect a Primate for the Church.

The Council would be held at Saint Sophie’s Church Cathedral in Kiev.

Theodora was contemplating the warning of Vasilij Gritsak the head of the SBU (Security Service of Ukraine) that the ecclesiastical conflict between Constantinople and Moscow in Ukraine would lead to the outbreak of war and a Vladimir Putin ordered Russian Armed Forces full scale military invasion of Ukraine.

Theodora would side with the Ukrainians against Putin.

For Theodora had offered to make Putin the new restored Byzantine Emperor with his capital at Constantinople.

But Putin had turned her down.

Choosing instead to form an alliance with Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan (the future Sultan and Caliph of a revised Ottoman Empire) and Iran against the State of Israel.

Ironically enough, Israel was being supported by Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman who was being advised by the ghosts of Soviet dictator Josef Stalin and the bloody murderous Scottish queen Lady MacBeth as well as the demon Baphomet (who was the patron demon of Sodom and Gomorrah) and the Egyptian god Osiris to rebuild Solomon’s Temple in Jerusalem.


The Byzantine Vampiress Theodora on a moonlit night in Kiev.

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Pan Goatee- Nobel Peace Prize Nominee

November 1, 2018 at 10:22 pm (Aesthetics, Celebrities, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

The world’s most lovable genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee (whose much loved serial killing specialty was ridding the world of repulsively ugly looking ugly women) had just found out that he had been nominated for this year’s Nobel Peace Prize by the American Association For The Restoration of Beauty and Aesthetics (who had a most Herculean task ahead of them).

“Why bless their beauty loving little hearts,” Pan Goatee remarked with all the charm of a gentleman caller on Scarlett O’Hara in the film Gone With The Wind.

Of course Pan didn’t win but like most Academy Award losing actors and actresses say (as their noses grow bigger like Pinocchio’s), “It’s an honour just to have been nominated.”

No sooner had Pan Goatee thought this charming little Tara drawing room thought when a super ugly repulsive and hyperpathetic looking ugly white girl sat down right across from him on the train.

“You stupid ugly looking thing,” Pan Goatee punched her full force in her pathetic ugly face with his fists, “What makes an ugly looking piece of shit such as yourself think it’s perfectly okay to sit across from a satyr with impeccable good taste like me.”

Pan Goatee continued to beat the ugly looking thing with his fists and then tore her apart with his goat legs’ hooves feet.

Krampus the 2nd arrived on the scene to finish the job.

He cut the ugly thing up into 666 trillion pieces with his laser machete.

The goat demon then threw the pieces into a gasoline soaked plastic garbage bag and used it to burn down the house of one of the Brooklyn witches.

A U.S. Supreme Court justice had recently hired Pan Goatee and Krampus The 2nd to burn down the dwelling places of Brooklyn witches and in the process also reduce the number of U.S. Democratic Party registered voters.

Goatee then killed a bunch more ugly women who were riding the bus home with him as well as the bus driver who tried to run Pan over as soon as the satyr got off the bus.

Krampus the 2nd then astral projected from Calgary (the uglo white female capital of the world) to Brooklyn New York where he burnt down a few more Brooklyn witches’ dwellings.

British MP Renfield R. Renfield in the British House of Commons enthusiastically described the blazing All Saints’ Day arsons of Baal and Baphomet followers as the “Salem witch trials without the horrendous expense of having taxpayer funded judicial court trials.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday November 1st
2018.

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I Saw A Wild Bobcat: A Poem

October 22, 2018 at 10:47 pm (Aesthetics, Arts, Biographical, Nature, Personal essays, Poetry) (, , , , )

A pleasant sunny afternoon
sitting in the arm chair of the living room
I was looking at my Samsung Galaxy tablet
and drinking chai tea
dreaming of the day I’d be able to do it near
the Taj Mahal

When suddenly a wild bobcat appeared on the lawn across the street
he dashed faster than American Pharoah or Secretariat across the street
like a road runner pursued by a wiley coyote
or a wild hare jack rabbit overcoming carrot withdrawal
soon he was on my kitty corner neighbour’s lawn
and continued bounding northwards

Just a quick hello to an urban neighbourhood
and a quick hello to a writer named Christopher
and then he was gone as quickly as he came
like a shooting star
his wild feline glory
momentarily graced our city streets
but it was not his destiny to stay
Just a quick hello and he was on his way

-A poem written
by Christopher
Monday October 22nd
2018.

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Dark Witchcraft In American Politics and At The Vatican

October 12, 2018 at 10:59 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Dark Witchcraft In American Politics and At The Vatican

Pan Goatee was riding the bus back to his home when he noticed a hideously fat ugly white blimp riding at the back of the bus.

Goatee was astounded.

He was positive that he had beheaded the fat ugly bitch only weeks earlier.

He turned around and faced the front (for he was sitting at the front of the bus) so he wouldn’t have to look at her fat ugly repulsive aesthetically challenged face.

Just then a thin ugly white scarecrow (who would indeed be good at scaring off crows and everybody else for that matter) got on at the front of the bus and then sat directly across from him.

“What the fuck?” Goatee thought to himself.

He went over and beheaded the thin ugly scary scarecrow.

Krampus the 2nd teleported on to the scene with his innate demonic abilities and cut the thin ugly scarecrow woman into 666 quadrillion pieces, put the remains in a Pope Francis unapproved environmentally unfriendly plastic garbage bag and used it as fuel to burn down a drug dealer’s house.

Goatee then walked towards the back of the bus and beheaded the fat ugly white blimp he was positive that he had beheaded only weeks earlier.

When Krampus the 2nd arrived on the scene, Goatee instructed the DARPA made genetically cloned demon (cloned from the original Krampus who so terrified and still terrifies the devoutly Catholic countries that made up the core of the medieval Holy Roman Empire) to save the hands of the fat ugly blimp and take them back to DARPA headquarters for analysis by DARPA’s Psychic Lobster Liberace (a name designed to appeal to America’s LGBTQ 🏳️‍🌈 community- like most government agencies out of touch with the community they’re seeking to woo for support they were totally unaware that the performer Liberace was hugely unpopular with most of the LGBTQ 🏳️‍🌈 community for denying his sexual orientation throughout his lifetime).

DARPA had plagiarized the idea of a psychic lobster from Britain’s Set Enterprises whose Chief Scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher had genetically created a psychic lobster named Michelangelo back in 2010.

Goatee wanted Liberace to determine whether the fat ugly blimp was in fact the very same fat ugly blimp that the genetically created satyr serial killer had beheaded and dismembered weeks earlier.

Krampus the 2nd after saving the elephant sized hands could dispose of the rest of the fat ugly blimp’s body in his usual Krampusonian manner.

That night Pan Goatee got a text message from Dr. Faustus Imhotep who had been told by Exlaxia (the DARPA equivalent of Amazon’s AI assistant Alexa) after being in telepathic communication with Liberace the DARPA psychic lobster that the fat ugly blimp was indeed the very same uglo creature that Goatee had beheaded and dismembered weeks earlier.

After a violent fit of lobster vomiting after seeing the hands (for which the explosion proof tank of hydrogen immediately needed to be replaced), Liberace wearing a diamond and sparkling jewel 💎 encrusted white suit and jacket played a vigorous rendition of Elvis’ Viva Las Vegas on his toy piano 🎹 with his lobster claws and then telepathically communicated with Exlaxia his analysis.

Apparently the fat ugly blimp had been brought back from the dead by order of Hillary Clinton.

Hillary Clinton had hired a Haitian voodoo witch doctor Pierre Josephine Swaying Les Fesses to bring the fat ugly blimp back from the dead.

He/she (for the Haitian witch doctor was an androgynous hermaphrodite) had done the same for some other ugly female victims of Pan Goatee as well on Hillary’s orders.

Hillary’s covert plan was to bring the Calgarian fat ugly blimps and thin ugly scarecrows back from the dead and illegally have them documented as American citizens to be able to vote in the 2020 Presidential election as almost all ugly women were inclined to vote for Hillary by inherent natural disposition.

What a sinister piece of black magic witchcraft, Pan Goatee thought to himself.

Here the Hillarybeast was in favour of killing unborn babies but at the same time was bringing fat ugly blimps and thin ugly scarecrows (who had been conceived in the very bowels of Hell itself) back from the dead.

What nefarious witchcraft was this? Goatee wondered.

Meanwhile at the Vatican in Rome, Pope Francis was using a very very very abstract modern art Crucifix carved in the shape of a witches Stang to summon the ghost of Aleister Crowley from the pits of Tartarus on his birthday which was today October 12th.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday October 12th
2018

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