Pan Goatee Slays More Fat Ugly Blimps While Trump Is Pissed Off At Renfield

August 17, 2019 at 10:53 pm (Aesthetics, Culture, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Pan Goatee Slays More Fat Ugly Blimps While Trump Is Pissed Off At Renfield

Genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee had all the ingredients to make a Ralph Petley Jones Special Grilled Cheese Sandwich save one (the recipe was developed by a famous Welsh ex-Mountie who once owned an acreage near Fairmont Hot Springs in British Columbia).

The recipe consisted of putting huge slabs of butter on four slices of bread.

Then put a large slice of cheese on each of the four slices of bread.

Then put several large slices of onion on each slice of cheese.

Then put another large slice of cheese atop the onions on each slice of bread.

Then put the slices of bread together so you’ve got two huge sandwiches.

Put in the oven or microwave until the cheese melts.

And voila! Delicisio! 

Goatee had plenty of butter and plenty of bread and plenty of onions.

But alas! No cheese slices.

So he walked to the grocery store to buy some.

He was in luck as there were both cheese slices in the store as well as loads of beautiful women walking around the store (something very rare indeed for the city he lived in!).

After Goatee had purchased his cheese slices, he walked out the door.

The poor satyr serial killer’s luck ran out as a fat ugly blimp came waddling up the sidewalk pushing a grocery cart.

To the right on the other side of the fat ugly blimp, there was an extremely stupid looking guy standing on the sidewalk looking like an idiot holding an empty grocery cart.

Because of the said inconsiderate idiot standing there holding an empty grocery cart, it made it difficult for Goatee to maneuver past the fat ugly blimp as the elephantine sized creature took up a wide portion of the sidewalk.

Goatee immediately beheaded the fat ugly blimp remarking, “That’s what you get for not making a New Year’s resolution to lose weight this year and for not buying environmentally friendly paper bags to put over your head when you go out in public.”

Goatee then kicked the fat ugly blimp’s head as far as McMahon Stadium where the sight of the fat ugly blimp’s head landing on the football field caused the Calgary Stampeders to lose their first home CFL game to the visiting Montreal Alouettes since 2009.

Behind the beheaded fat ugly blimp was the blimp’s mother who surprisingly was a fairly good looking woman.

However on the other side of the mother was the beheaded fat ugly blimp’s fat ugly blimp younger sister.

“Don’t you know that you’re not supposed to emulate your elder siblings,” Goatee remarked as he beheaded the fat ugly blimp younger sister.

“Now you’re not ugly but you gave birth to ugly children,” Goatee stated as he beheaded the mother, “Haven’t you ever heard of contraception and birth control?”.

The mother of blimps was far too dead to answer Goatee’s question.

Goatee then turned his attention to the stupid looking moron who was standing there looking like an idiot holding an empty grocery cart that took up another large part of the sidewalk.

“Because of your innate stupidity, asshole, in standing there looking like an idiot holding on to an empty grocery cart at the same time that fat ugly blimps are waddling down the sidewalk, it makes it difficult for decent folk to get by,” Goatee noted as he beheaded the said idiot.

The city’s collective IQ jumped by vast percentage points after Goatee had beheaded the said idiot.

Meanwhile down in the U.S. a foaming Donald Trump was meeting with a member of the U.S. State Department.

“Why did British authorities in Gibraltar release the Iranian oil tanker Grace 1 that most likely was carrying Iranian oil to Syria?” Trump foamed at the mouth as he fell over backwards.

“They most likely did it on the recommendation of one Renfield R. Renfield who’s Britain’s new Deputy Foreign Secretary In Charge of Geopolitical Intelligence Gathering,” the State Department official answered.

“How dare this Renfield character do that!” Trump pounded his desk after getting back up in his chair, “What’s his Twitter user name? I’m going to tell that bastard off in one of my profound and brilliantly written Twitter tweets.”

“I’m afraid this Renfield R. Renfield doesn’t have a Twitter account,” the State Department official answered.

“What?” Trump started foaming at the mouth again, “What sort of person doesn’t have a Twitter account? How am I supposed to insult someone and cast my juvenile BS (to quote Rep. Ilhan Omar) opprobrium on them if they don’t have a Twitter account?”.

“I have no idea, sir,” the State Department official started watching an old silent movie on his smart phone.

“Besides which every moron in the world is supposed to have a Twitter account,” Trump proclaimed.

“Most do, sir,” the State Department official noted.

“See, I rest my case,” Trump smiled.

Meanwhile in the waters off Gibraltar, the Grace 1 had changed its name to the Adrian Darya while the ghostly ship wreckage of the Andrea Doria floated by.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday August 17th
2019.

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Hades Emergency Meeting

July 29, 2019 at 10:52 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Hades Emergency Meeting

“Ugly looking female teen stoat/ human hybrids grow up to be ugly looking adult female stoat/human hybrids,” Pan Goatee remarked as he beheaded the ugly looking female stoat/human hybrid as she was riding a bicycle down the street.

Meanwhile down in the Underworld, the Greek god Hades (who was known as Pluto to the ancient Romans) was holding an emergency meeting with his advisors on the huge number of repulsive looking spirits that were showing up daily from Calgary to cross the River Styx over to the Underworld.

Said a phlegmatic Phlegyas (who was extra phlegmatic this morning because he had eaten a full English breakfast as opposed to his usual continental breakfast), “We’re having to have orangutans wearing special darkened glass visors (whereby they see the shades of the dead as mere shades) hand out paper bags at the ferry docks for Charon’s boat to any Caucasian female soul arriving from Calgary on the high probability that they’re quite repulsively ugly. They are instructed to put the paper bags over their heads for the crossing across the river Styx. This is to prevent the occurrence of unstoppable vomiting on the part of both Charon the ferryman and Cerberus the 3-headed dog (all of whose 3 heads immediately start vomiting simultaneously) upon seeing the said hideous spirits.”

“Hopefully this will put an end to the problem,” said Hades.

“Until Pan Goatee manages to find the sinister Nazi criminal network responsible for breeding a certain type of brainless male with female walruses, stoats and gargoyles that’s producing these hideous looking hybrids by the thousands in that poor city,” Phlegyas coughed up more phlegm.

Meanwhile on the Caribbean Island of Little Saint James (owned by Jeffrey Epstein), the Caribbean Sea kraken Uhluhtc (666 meters tall) was strolling across the island accompanied by a Haitian voodoo high priest Samedi.

Uhluhtc stood on one spot and grunted.

Samedi waved to one of the island employees who no doubt lived on the nearby island of Saint Thomas.

Samedi spoke to the island employee, “The Great Kraken says that while he lived in the depths of the Caribbean, he had a vision of a great Temple that stood on this spot. The Temple was guarded by two small statues of owl wearing goddesses. He wonders what happened to this Temple.”

“It was torn down a while ago,” the employee answered.

Uhluhtc once again grunted.

“What did he say?” The employee inquired.

“He said merde,” Samedi answered.

Meanwhile in New York City, Peter Whitstable the man they called the Fox Mulder of Interpol was sitting in his hotel room where he was receiving information about much bizarre occurrences occurring across the world the past few days.

The Celtic stag god Cernunnos had been spotted on a Florida golf course this past weekend drinking a bottle of Dalmore Port Wood Reserve single malt whisky and slaying a bunch of country club Republicans on the golf course with his bow and arrow.

Meanwhile in Vienna, the infernal Underworld centaur Acheronus had been seen killing diplomats with his bow and arrow at various hotels across the city.

In Canada, reports of the ghost of Albert Johnson (the man they called The Mad Trapper of Rat River) had been seen at various locales in Canada.

Johnson (who had killed 3 people) had eluded the Royal Canadian Mounted Police for more than a month in a massive manhunt that stretched across the Northwest Territories and the Yukon Territory in northern Canada.

Johnson was killed on the Eagle River in Yukon on February 17th 1932.

Johnson’s ghost had been spotted in northern British Columbia, northern Saskatchewan and northern Manitoba.

After talking with a psychic friend of his, Whitstable was told that Johnson’s ghost was headed for the town of Lucan Biddulph in southwestern Ontario.

Whitstable was also told by the psychic that the Egyptian god Thoth was currently in the town.

“What the Hell,” Whitstable wondered, “is Thoth doing in Lucan, Ontario?”.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday July 29th
2019.

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Pan Goatee Saves Food Bank Patrons From Ravenous Elephants While Acheronus The Centaur Wreaks Havoc In Vienna

July 28, 2019 at 10:59 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , )

Pan Goatee Saves Food Bank Patrons From Ravenous Elephants While Acheronus The Centaur Wreaks Havoc In Vienna

The heroic genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee was walking by a food bank when he noticed a medium sized fat ugly blimp helping herself to a whole bunch of food while genuinely hungry looking patrons looked on in agony and anguish.

“So we have laissez-faire ultra- capitalism in America and apparently laissez-faire ultra-porkism in Calgary,” Goatee unsheathed his astral laser machete from his belt, “something should really be done about this.”
Goatee immediately beheaded the medium sized fat ugly blimp.

“No need for you to be fatter and uglier than you already are,” Goatee kicked the head away.

He was immediately applauded by the famished looking food bank patrons.

“God bless us, everyone,” said a famished but now happy looking Tiny Tom on crutches.

Goatee left the area of the food bank, went into a store to buy some items and then headed out down the street.

This time an even fatter fat ugly blimp was waddling down the street in the direction of the food bank.

“Who’s going to save us from the pestilence of ultra-porkism which seems to be striking this land?” Goatee shouted towards the heavens as he once again unsheathed his astral laser machete, “It appears it takes a satyr to do a mortal’s job.”

Goatee immediately beheaded this particular fat ugly blimp and once again saved the city’s most vulnerable from the ravages of famine and porcine greed.

The ghost of the German Count Ferdinand Graf von Zeppelin appeared to Goatee and thanked the satyr serial killer for ridding the world of these repulsive and hideous looking creatures who were giving blimps a bad name.

Ditto! from the President of Goodyear Tires.

. . .

The evil Centaur archer Acheronus had been named after Acheron the river of woe that flowed through the Greek underworld of Hades.

Acheronus was the antithesis of Chiron the good centaur archer.

Acheronus often slew people on behalf of the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith as well as Allatallahbel the Vampiress Priestess of Baal who had recently seized control of the Vatican.

Today Acheronus was working for Ares the Greek god of war.

A meeting was being held today in Vienna Austria to see if the talks on Iran’s nuclear program couldn’t be kick started.

Ares of course held Roy Cohn’s pretty boy Donald Trump in the palms of his hands.

After carefully washing his hands in the Atlantic Ocean and Mediterranean Sea before heading up to Austria, Ares made a Huawei phone call to Acheronus the evil centaur.

Being a Huawei, the phone call was naturally monitored by the Black Dragon who was the supernatural entity advisor to China’s paramount leader Xi Jinping.

Acheronus had brought the Greek mind reader Yuxen with him to Vienna to read the minds of important delegates at the Vienna meeting.

Those delegates who secretly favoured war Acheronus would spare from his poisonous bow and arrow.

Those delegates who secretly favoured peace Acheronus would slay with his poisonous bow and arrow.

Acheronus had brought the woman seer and clairvoyant Yuxen along to read the minds of the delegates at the Vienna meeting and see where they stood on the issues of war and peace.

One of the concierges at Vienna’s best hotel had put in a phone call to the hotel manager.

“A centaur is running around the hotel lobby and conference rooms slaying people with his bow and arrows,” said the concierge.

“I hate it when that happens,” the hotel manager buried his head in his hands.

Meanwhile on the banks of the Danube, a small orchestra was playing The Blue Danube Waltz by Johann Strauss.

Just for something to do, Acheronus slew the conductor with one of his poisoned arrows.

The conductor died on the spot despite the fact that a Vienna music critic was in the process of writing a rave review about his efforts.

The ghost of the late Soviet dictator Josef Stalin (who had managed to slip out of Tartarus and the underworld realm of Hades by throwing Cerberus three very juicy bones) then stood up on the platform and began to conduct the orchestra in a musical melody that he Stalin had written.

The name of the musical non-masterpiece was The Red Danube (red as in blood red).

-A vampire novel chapter 
written by Christopher
Sunday July 28th
2019.

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Pan Goatee’s Uglocide Evening, Macron’s Whining, Malachi Martin Anniversary and Roy Cohn’s Pretty Boy

July 27, 2019 at 10:56 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Religion, Spy Tales, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee’s Uglocide Evening, Macron’s Whining, Malachi Martin Anniversary and Roy Cohn’s Pretty Boy

Pan Goatee had just entered the grocery store and went to pick up a cart when a medium sized ugly looking blimp approached to pick up a cart.

Goatee beat the blimp in picking up a cart first and then promptly beheaded the blimp.

“One must show patience,” remarked some idiotic bystander.

“You can spend all eternity showing patience,” Goatee answered as he beheaded the man.

Goatee then picked up the items he wanted to buy and then went and stood in line at the cashier.

Some ugly looking female stoat-human hybrid (in one of the many genetics experiments in southern Alberta gone horribly wrong) then went and rudely walked down the aisle past the customers waiting in line just to exit instead of using the proper exit.

Goatee then leapt across cash registers, got in front of the ugly looking female stoat human hybrid and beheaded her with his astral machete remarking, “You’re the best argument ever against the erroneous concept of white supremacy.”

Goatee wished he could track down the Nazi criminals from Argentina who had settled down in Calgary back in the 1990s and performed horrendous and blasphemous genetic experiments whose rotten hideous looking fruit were now coming to fruition in the teens decade of the early 21st Century.

But the Nazi criminals having done their damage apparently fled elsewhere.

. . .

French President Emmanuel Macron sat in his office feeling depressed.

In addition to being turned down for quickies from all the older women he had propositioned in Parisienne sidewalk cafés on this Saturday evening, Donald Trump had tweeted a nasty tweet against him earlier this week.

Macron was thinking of imposing a digital sales tax on American corporate tech giants when they sold items over the Internet in France.

Trump tweeted that if Macron went ahead with this proposal, he Trump would impose a tariff on French wines when they were imported into America.

And then in the unkindest tweet of all, Trump had brutishly tweeted, “American wines are better than French wines.”

Now Macron sat at his desk drowning his sorrows in a bottle of Paul Masson wine.

. . .

“It was 20 years ago today that Malachi Martin the former Jesuit priest (who left the Jesuit order because it was too homosexual and too Marxist for his liking) and well known exorcist and popular best-selling author died,” Cardinal JM the head of the Vatican’s Secret Intelligence Service remarked to Samhain Cardinal Salaman a former professional stage magician turned Vatican cardinal.

“I remember hearing about that at the time,” Salaman remarked, “what caused his death?”.

“He apparently fell off a ladder while trying to retrieve a book from the top of his book shelf in his Manhattan New York apartment,” Cardinal JM sipped a Manhattan cocktail and ate a New York bagel, “although there are some people who believe he was pushed off that ladder.”

“By whom?” Cardinal Salaman asked.

“Well one theory is it was by demons,” Cardinal JM bit into a devilled egg, “and the other is it was by a priest or bishop or maybe even a cardinal who was full of the spirit of Vatican II.”

“I’ve heard that it was Malachi Martin’s book The Keys of This Blood that inspired Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing to become a geopolitical analyst,” Cardinal Salaman sipped his coffee.

“I’ve heard that too,” Cardinal JM shrugged, “anyhow Malachi Martin’s July 27th 1999 death couldn’t have come at a better time for the Vatican.”

“Why is that?” Salaman ate his baked salmon.

“Well the Jubilee year of 2000 was approaching and many people were pissed that the Catholic Church had never released the Third Secret of Fatima which it was supposed to have done in 1960 according to the Virgin Mary’s instructions,” Cardinal JM started eating a Belgian waffle, “but the Vatican plan after John XXIII was only to release the vision associated with the Third Secret not the text (Mary’s spoken words) of the Secret itself. However that posed a problem after Malachi Martin (who was the secretary to the Vatican Jesuit Cardinal Augustin Bea in 1960) left the Jesuit order. Martin as secretary to Cardinal Bea had read the Third Secret although he had taken an oath not to reveal it. And he never did reveal it. Although he dropped vague hints as to what was in it when he appeared on Art Bell’s Coast-To-Coast AM radio program back in the late 1990s. So the Vatican could never release the vision of the Third Secret and claim it was the text (Mary’s actual words) while Martin was still alive because then Father Martin would have said that the Vatican was full of you know what.”

Cardinal JM wiped his mouth with a napkin after eating a chocolate covered figure of a bull.

“Why doesn’t the Vatican want the text (Mary’s words) of the Third Secret released?” Cardinal Salaman asked.

“Well of course the Vatican has no problem with the global war or the fire falling from heaven causing tsunamis of steam to fall across the nations of the world everywhere or millions of people dying by the minute that’s mentioned in the Third Secret,” Cardinal JM cheerfully ate a gingerbread horse of the Apocalypse, “what it does have a problem with is Mary saying that Satan will infiltrate to the very top of the Church itself. Catholics across the world might stop dropping their money in the collection plate if word on that got out.”

“A wise decision indeed,” Cardinal Salaman bit into his Montreal smoked meat sandwich.

. . .

Peter Whitstable the Fox Mulder of Interpol was in New York City.

What brought him to New York were appearances of notorious American lawyer Roy Cohn’s ghost appearing across the world.

Whitstable deduced that Hades and Persephone had granted Cohn’s ghost permission to leave the Underworld for some reason.

So Whitstable had gone to New York to find out more about Cohn’s background.

The Interpol detective knew that Cohn had been Chief Counsel to the notorious Wisconsin Senator Joe McCarthy back in the 1950s.

He had also represented and defended several New York City Italian crime family bosses back in the 1970s.

Whitstable was currently interviewing an old acquaintance of Cohn in a run down New York City apartment.

The informer wore an empty cement bag on his head and a pair of used Nike running shoes on his feet so he wouldn’t be recognized.

“Well, Roy died of AIDS back in 1986,” the informer said.

“AIDS?” Whitstable repeated the statement.

“But Roy wasn’t gay,” the informer stated emphatically, “he always said that he enjoyed having sex with men. But he always insisted that he wasn’t gay.”

“Okay,” Whitstable nodded.

“But Sen. Joe McCarthy was gay,” the informer went on, “Roy’s personal secretary mentioned that in the book she was going to publish had she lived. But McCarthy covered it up during his life time. Being gay was the kiss of death for a U.S. politician in the 1950s. Unlike today where it seems to be working out very well for the current Mayor of South Bend, Indiana.”

“So Cohn said that he enjoyed having sex with men,” Whitstable took notes, “were they all one night stands or did he ever have a long term relationship with a man?”.

“There was one he had,” the informer answered, “in fact Cohn said in a public interview back in 1980 that this man used to call him 18 to 20 times a day each day. So you can see how intense the relationship was. This man also said himself in a public interview back in 1980 that Cohn protected him to the point of viciousness.”

“Wow,” Whitstable agreed, “That does sound pretty intense. Who was this man?”.

“The current occupant of the Oval Office in the White House,” the informer replied.

Roy Cohn and a mascara and make-up wearing young Roman soldier Donald Trump having a gay old time at a New York City nightclub on Saturday June 24th 1972.
The photo accompanied a story in the New York City edition of The Times of London on Monday June 26th 1972.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday July 27th
2019.

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Pan Goatee, Donald Trump, Prince Andrew and Benjamin Netanyahu

July 16, 2019 at 9:33 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Occult, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , )

Pan Goatee, Donald Trump, Prince
Andrew and Benjamin Netanyahu

Pan Goatee had just finished buying cans of Diet Coke in the dollar store and was walking towards the mall’s food court when he encountered two fat ugly blimps of sisters waddling around the confines of the food court.

“A blimp is a blimp by any other name,” Goatee paraphrased Shakespeare as he beheaded one of the walrus-semi-human hybrids that were unfortunately vastly (in more ways than one) indigenous to this particular locale of western Canada.

“And the same goes for you,” Goatee remarked as he beheaded the other fat ugly blimp of a sister.

Sadly both fat ugly blimps had obviously not been carried away by a tornado that had recently hit the region a couple of days earlier.

“I guess that poor twisting vortex of a funnel cloud did not want to come down with a hernia,” Goatee reflected to himself.

Meanwhile in Washington DC, Donald Trump (after talking to the ghost of Richard M. Nixon who had famously said once, “I am not a crook”) had tweeted, “I am not a racist.”

He then added, “There’s not a racist bone in my body.”

At DARPA headquarters, the head of DARPA Dr. Faustus Imhotep was trying to keep under wraps medical x-rays that showed the current U.S. President did not have a skeleton but rather a strange mass of alien slime under his skin.

Dr. Faustus Imhotep was now pondering the question, “Was Trump an illegal alien from a galaxy far, far away?”.

Meanwhile over in England, Prince Andrew was reflecting on the U.S. arrest of one of his acquaintances Jeffrey Epstein.

The radio in his room was playing an old song recorded by Ringo Starr, “You’re 16, you’re beautiful and you’re mine.”

Andrew shut the radio off as it brought back memories of a time that could possibly land him in hot water.

And at his parliamentary office in Westminster, British MP Renfield R. Renfield was looking at photos taken by Belvedere the ghost of a ghost white salamander reporter for The Times of London.

The photos were recently taken in Jerusalem.

It was at a press conference in which Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu named the South African born academic Dr. Evan Cohen as his new spokesperson to the international media.

Standing behind Netanyahu at the press conference was the Rome-based Egyptian deity Osiris and the demon Baphomet.

“Does this mean Osiris and Baphomet have formed an alliance with one another?” Amadeus Emanon asked Renfield as he looked at the photos.

“If they are, the Boss won’t be very happy about that,” Renfield remarked.

Renfield still referred to his former employer the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set as the Boss.

The remark confused a lost American tourist as he walked down the corridors outside Renfield’s office and had come to the conclusion that this place was probably not Westminster Abbey.

Why, the tourist wondered, would Bruce Springsteen object to Osiris and Baphomet forming an alliance?

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday July 16th
2019.

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Pan Goatee’s Proposed Immigration Policy and Donald Trump’s Proposed 4th July Parade

July 2, 2019 at 10:23 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Pan Goatee’s Proposed Immigration Policy and Donald Trump’s Proposed 4th July Parade

Genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee (a most devout adherent of the aesthetic theories of Oscar Wilde and Friedrich Nietzsche) had gone into a nearby mall to buy a submarine sandwich from Subway.

Unfortunately for him, a typical stupid looking Calgary ugly white woman was standing at the counter buying a sub.

Goatee immediately beheaded the woman while also losing his appetite after seeing her.

As he walked back to his place, he thought what a wimp the Dalai Lama was for apologizing about saying he didn’t want an ugly woman as his successor.

What is Tibetan Buddhism coming to these days? Goatee wondered as he stepped on an ant on the sidewalk and then killed a fly that landed on his arm.

The satyr serial killer recalled images that Representatives Julian Castro and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez had shot of the conditions of migrant detention camps on the U.S.-Mexico border.

Goatee noticed that most of the Latina women were quite pretty.

And, Goatee reflected as he fired off a text message to his local Member of Parliament, the same could definitely not be said for the vast majority of female descendants of white European settlers who settled in Calgary over a hundred years ago.

The city was definitely a compelling argument against the practice of first cousins marrying first cousins.

Goatee told his MP that if Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was indeed the great humanitarian leader he was always proclaiming himself to be in every single media interview that he’s ever given, he really should let the migrants held in detention camps on the U.S. -Mexico border enter Canada.

This would not only make Trudeau better looking than Trump (although he already was that according to the ghosts of Oscar Wilde and Liberace) but it would also improve the aesthetic beauty of Canada and particularly Calgary if many of the migrants settled here.

Meanwhile in Washington DC, Donald Trump was boasting to his English butler and valet Lexington about the huge military parade he was planning in the U.S. capital for this coming 4th of July.

“I got the idea while holding hands with Emmanuel Macron in the streets of Paris at their Bastille Day parade 2 years ago,” Trump enthused, “so for this year’s 4th of July, there’s going to be Air Force planes flying all over DC and army tanks rolling down the streets of Washington helping to damage the city’s transportation infrastructure.”

“Why don’t you send an ICBM into the chambers of the House of Representatives killing all those nasty Democrats while you’re at it?” Lexington sarcastically thought aloud.

“Lexington,” Trump kissed Lexington on the cheeks with a fervour that would have made the Jesuit priest Father James Martin proud, “what a splendid idea.”

“I was just joking,” the valet took out a handkerchief and wiped the $750.00 Ivanka brand of lipstick off his cheek.

“Oh,” Trump looked disappointed.

-A vampire novel chapter
Written by Christopher
Tuesday July 2nd
2019.

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Peter Whitstable and The Killer Seaweed

May 14, 2019 at 9:22 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , )

Peter Whitstable had left Passau, Bavaria.

He had no reason to believe that the crossbow murders in the town were the handiwork of the Celtic horned stag god Cernunnos.

He headed down to Marseille, France where he had heard reports of a large bunch of seaweed that had crawled off the bottom of a boat and was now going around eating people.

A human-eating piece of seaweed would definitely fall under his jurisdiction of paranormal and unusual investigations.

As he crossed the border from Germany into France, he got a report on his mobile phone that the satyr serial killer Pan Goatee had just beheaded and bodily dismembered an ugly looking girl and her father.

“Pan Goatee’s aesthetic eugenics at work again,” Whitstable thought to himself.

On the plus side as far as Whitstable was concerned, Pan Goatee had also beheaded and dismembered a notorious German pedophile Helmut Troost who was wanted for sex crimes on six continents.

“The world is well rid of such sewage infested scumbags,” Whitstable thought as he pulled into a petrol station to buy gas.

When he reached Marseille, he pulled into a police station to see what information they had on a human-eating seaweed plant.

Apparently the piece of seaweed was currently seen devouring people throughout the Vieux Port (Old Port) of Marseille.

Whitstable rushed down to the Old Port having borrowed one of the Marseille traffic patrol’s motor scooters.

He arrived to see a group of fishermen being devoured by the seaweed.

“How horrible!” An old trader on the dockside screamed.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” a retired sea captain remarked as he calmly smoked his pipe.

“My vegan girlfriend is always trying to get me to eat seaweed,” a university student on a sightseeing tour of Europe remarked, “I don’t think I’ll do it now. You just never know what the seaweed itself has been eating.”

In the distant waters, a conch seashell horn could be heard being blown.

The seaweed turned in the direction of the conch horn and swam out to sea.

“Will it be back?” A fishmonger asked Whitstable.

“I have no idea,” the Interpol operative replied.

“Just another day in Marseille,” the retired sea captain put some more tobacco in his pipe.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday May 14th
2019.

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The Mysterious Bavarian Crossbow Murders

May 13, 2019 at 10:16 pm (Aesthetics, Avatar Speaks, Folklore, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Mythology, News, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Peter Whitstable the man they call the Fox Mulder of Interpol was investigating some mysterious murders committed with a crossbow in Bavaria.

The strange deaths happened in a rural hotel near the Bavarian town of Passau.

Two women and a man were found in bed impaled with several arrows.

Whitstable had been brought in to investigate on the off chance that the crossbow killer was the Celtic horned stag god Cernunnos in which case such a paranormal killer would fall under Whitstable’s jurisdiction.

Whitstable had just read a text message on his smart phone that satyr serial killer Pan Goatee had just beheaded the ugly female manager of the store where the homicidally uglocidally incined half-man half-goat did his grocery shopping.

“I can’t believe,” Whitstable shook his head, “that the owners of the store would be so stupid as to hire an ugly looking woman as a manager at the place where Goatee does his grocery shopping.”

Oh well, Whitstable reflected, Calgary cowboys were famous for the fancy spurs on their cowboy boots and their bull legged way of walking not for their brains.

Getting back to the case at hand, Whitstable was not positive that Cernunnos was responsible for the crossbow murders at the hotel in Bavaria.

Cernunnos first appeared on the Interpol radar as a crossbow killer a couple of years ago when he shot and killed a group of wealthy hunters in the United Kingdom who were on an illegal deer hunt.

Then on a freelance mission for British MP Renfield R. Renfield last year, Cernunnos had used his crossbow to fire a poisoned arrow into the testicles of Russian President Vladimir Putin.

If the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith hadn’t been on the scene to immediately suck the poison out, the Russian leader would have died.

Afterwards Lilith took her blue evening dress to a steam dry laundry cleaner in Moscow which boasted of its superiority to steam dry laundry cleaners in Washington DC.

So far, other than the fact that the murders were done by crossbow, there was little to connect Cernunnos to this particular crime.

. . .

In the corridors of the Vatican, Samhain Cardinal Salaman was discussing an Israeli government document with another Cardinal.

“Does Netanyahu really intend to go ahead with this?” Salaman asked the other Cardinal.

“Netanyahu thinks he can count on the unqualified support of Donald Trump,” the other Cardinal answered.

Just then, a being who was part man and part deer having a large set of stag horns and antlers on his head and wearing a mask over his eyes came walking down the halls of the Vatican carrying a crossbow and arrow.

The crossbow carrying being with stag horns fired an arrow at the Cardinal standing next to Samhain Cardinal Salaman.

“Oh, I am slain,” the Cardinal said as he keeled over.

“You certainly are,” Cardinal Salaman remarked as the man died in his arms.

The crossbow carrying deer/man ran off as distant pan pipes played the melody Tomorrow Belongs To Me from the musical Cabaret.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday May 13th
2019.

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Pan Goatee Has A Mental Breakdown

April 23, 2019 at 10:04 pm (Aesthetics, Arts) (, , )

Satyr serial killer and DARPA contract assassin Pan Goatee had not been venturing out of the house much in this turbulent off and on again spring weather.

Which was fine with him as the city these days seemed to be crawling with loads of ugly looking white women which put the lie to the myth that was white racial supremacy.

He had been watching episodes of The Young and The Restless which caused one of his roommates to remark, “There are only two kinds of people I know who watch soap operas- women. And you.”

Tonight however he would have to venture forth to the store as he had run out of fudgesickles and chocolate bars.

As he made his way to the freezer section, an ugly looking white woman happened to walk by the spot where the fudgesickles were.

Odious creatures.

These Hellspawn from the depths of Tartarus no doubt did those sorts of things deliberately just to agitate him.

He had to wait for a beautiful looking immigrant woman to walk by to remove the voodoo spell on the spot that was cast by the walking dandelion from Hell.

He grabbed the sole remaining box of 30 fudgesickles for $8 that was left.

No doubt the rest had all been snapped up by the city’s fat ugly blimps with the entire package serving as the first course of a 39-course meal for all fat ugly blimps concerned.

He then went to get his chocolate bars.

When he returned to the front, the ugly dandelion from Hell was at his favourite cashier.

Stupid ugly looking bitch.

He would now have to go over to his 2nd favourite cashier to avoid standing in line behind the ugly looking freak that no doubt would be honoured with a coin minted of her looks since Justin Trudeau seemed to enjoy minting coins depicting total freaks ever since he became Prime Minister of Canada in that disastrous year of 2015.

Justin’s latest coin unveiled today had caused British MP Renfield R. Renfield to quip, “In Canada, rather than rendering unto Caesar the things that are Caesar’s, they believe in rendering unto sodomites the things that are sodomites’.”

Unfortunately, the people ahead of him had a great deal of stuff they were ringing through.

Not of course as much as the city’s fat ugly blimps who normally had 20 grocery carts stacked high to the ceiling with food with them.

Just then a beautiful looking immigrant woman went and stood behind the ugly looking dandelion from Hell at his favourite cashier.

He decided to go stand behind her since she would remove the voodoo spell being cast by the ugly looking dandelion from Hell.

The ugly looking dandelion from Hell was of course taking her sweet time figuring out how to use the debit machine.

Like all ugly looking women in the city, she was not only ugly but stupid as well.

By the time the ugly dandelion from Hell had figured out how to use the debit machine, her equally brainless husband (he was brainless for being married to the likes of her) had finished packing the groceries.

Off went the ugly dandelion from Hell and her brainless husband who held the Guinness World Record For Lousy Taste In Women.

Pan Goatee packed up his fudgesickles and chocolate bars and headed out the door.

He thought he had seen the last of the ugly dandelion from Hell.

But the ugly thing then came walking out of the Dollarama store next door and then started following behind Goatee.

Goatee had had enough of this degenerately botched abortion at this point.

He removed his laser machete and started carving up the ugly looking dandelion from Hell starting with her ugly face.

“You ugly looking thing, can’t you get it through your stupid ugly heads that satyrs or any being from classical Greece can’t stand being in your presence,” Goatee went livid, “what just because you’re blonde, you think you’re beautiful? You’re no Marilyn Monroe, you peroxide washed green haired gargoyle who was certified as being too ugly for Notre Dame. A transgendered looking Yoda would come across as being of Helen of Troy in her looks compared to the likes of you.”

Goatee continued to rage as he cut her up into 666 trillion x 666 sextillion pieces.

Krampus the 2nd who had arrived on the scene to gather up the pieces of the ugly looking dandelion from Hell to cast them into the flames of Tartarus became quite concerned about Goatee’s mental state.

Goatee turned the corner and came across the stupid husband of the ugly looking dandelion from Hell.

He was sitting in the passenger side of the car waiting for her to show up.

“What you brainless Neanderthal with the taste of a Philistine, you mean to say you let your ugly looking wife wear the pants in the family and sit in the driver’s seat?” Goatee then started dismembering the brainless husband.

By the time he was finished, the DARPA sanity squad arrived on the scene to take Pan Goatee to a clinic for psychiatric assessment.

Donald Trump was informed of the DARPA contract assassin’s mental breakdown a few hours later.

“And who is this Pan Goatee again?” Trump asked, “What does he do?”

“He kills ugly looking women,” the DARPA operative replied.

“No wonder he had a mental breakdown,” Trump sympathized, “In this day and age, that would be a full time job.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday April 23rd
2019.

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Pan Goatee’s Saturday Afternoon On The Last Weekend In March

March 30, 2019 at 9:03 pm (Aesthetics, Arts, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , )

DARPA contract assassin and genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee (whose serial killing specialty was killing ugly woman) was in the food court of a nearby restaurant where he had picked up a submarine sandwich from Subway.

His enjoyment of his sub was soon ruined by the sight of a fat ugly blimp waddling in front of him.

The fat ugly blimp picked up two large containers of food from a Lebanese food take out place and then two large containers of food from a Chinese food take out place.

“Well, it’s no great mystery as to why you’re the size of a behemoth,” Goatee remarked as he reached into his holster, pulled out his astral laser machete and beheaded the creature.

After tossing his cookies (metaphorically speaking) into a nearby garbage can (the aftereffect of beholding the grisly gruesome sight), Goatee walked to a nearby McDonald’s to buy himself a large double double coffee.

Upon approaching the entrance, to the left (from Pan’s viewpoint) was a teen-aged fat ugly blimp with pink and purple coloured hair.

Goatee had nothing against females with pink and purple coloured hair save when they adorned the elephantine heads of fat ugly blimps.

The revolting and sickening sight more properly belonged in a circus tent (like Archie Bunker used to sing about in the theme song on the old All In The Family TV show, “Freaks were in a circus tent, those were the days.”) with a sign above the tent entrance that read ABANDON ALL HOPE YE WHO ENTER HERE to those stupid enough to part with their hard earned money just to see a repulsive blood-curdling stomach churning mind numbing sight that could easily be replicated by staying home and doing their income tax returns (which also would have been an experience far more enjoyable).

Goatee promptly beheaded the fat ugly blimp with pink and purple hair who could easily serve as the poster child for GSAs (Gay-Straight Alliances) in Alberta schools driving most hormonally aroused and voice changing males towards the “G” side of that equation.

Fortunately there seemed to be mainly beautiful women inside the McDonald’s which prevented Pan’s large double double coffee from joining his Subway sandwich in the Tossed Cookies Department.

Upon leaving the McDonald’s restaurant to walk home, he noticed a flat trailer truck broken down at the side of the road.

Outside the broken down truck were a fat ugly blimp, her brainless husband and a kid.

“Well, no doubt the fat ugly blimp which far exceeds the province’s heavy load weight restrictions was responsible for this truck’s breakdown,” Goatee said as he approached and beheaded the blimp.

Goatee then beheaded the brainless husband remarking, “And that’s for being so stupid as to have sexual relations with a human-walrus hybrid.”

He then turned his attention to the kid, “The offspring of ugliness and stupidity does not a fine progeny make” and beheaded him.

He was sure the genetics textbooks at home would validate his impromptu on the spot empirical assessment.

Meanwhile the computers at DARPA were down again as a result of a Chinese Communist EMP (electro-magnetic pulse) attack on the system in response to Donald Trump tweeting an Executive Order that there were to be no EMP attacks on the U.S.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday March 30th
2019

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