Pan Goatee Beheads Yet Another Fat Ugly Blimp Behind The Mask

April 30, 2021 at 10:24 pm (Aesthetics) ()

Genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee (whose serial killing past time was killing ugly looking women- an aesthetic environmentally protecting endeavour that didn’t even rate an honourable mention in Pope Francis’ 2015 encyclical on the environment Laudato Si) was walking down a back alley.

A couple of under-aged “yutes” (the name Brooklyn lawyer Vinny had for “youths” in the courtroom in the 1992 movie My Cousin Vinny) asked Pan Goatee if he’d go in and buy them a bottle of booze in a nearby liquor store for which they’d pay him since they couldn’t buy liquor themselves being under age.

Goatee told them “No.”

He wished Sherrielock Holmes had been in the vicinity to thoroughly tomato their under-aged bottoms.

Such delinquents would undoubtedly grow up to become Members of Parliament or if they lived in the U.S., members of Congress.

As he walked down the alleyway behind the building he noticed a single car parked there which he found very suspicious.

The driver’s window was open.

Sitting there in the driver’s seat was a pathetically ugly, repulsive and absolutely hideous fat ugly blimp who was of course wearing a face mask as a symbol of loyalty and fealty to the global Coviet Union.

But the mask did little to protect the viewer from the sheer ugliness and hideousness of her fat ugly blimpiness.

“You fat ugly cow,” Goatee said to the blimp behind the mask, “This is the reason I hate spring so. All you fat ugly blimps come waddling out from under the woodwork. Ruining everybody’s day in what should be welcoming the advent of spring.”

Goatee beheaded the fat ugly blimp and then cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.

Blimp eating nanites from Hell then came and ate the fat ugly blimp.

The two “yutes” who had found a sucker to buy booze for them and had retreated to the back alley to start drinking it swore off liquor for the rest of their lives when the fat ugly blimp behind the mask’s head landed on one of the “yutes” laps.

The two yutes beat a hasty retreat before the nanites arrived to eat the fat ugly blimp’s head.

The nanites then drank the two yutes’ bottles of liquor left behind.

. . .

A U.S. Air Force officer was walking around the Air Force base near Cheyenne, Wyoming.

Suddenly he noticed a round saucer shaped object (what people usually call a UFO) descending on to the base.

The top part of the saucer opened and out stepped six t-rexes about 6 foot 6 in height (so considerably shorter than the average height Tyrannosaurus Rex of the Cretaceous period in prehistoric times).

The t-rex with the biggest and most ferocious head ate the Air Force officer.

Then that t-rex spoke in a language not known by Google Translate words to this effect, “All right find where the strategic missiles are located and you know what to do from there.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday April 30th
2021.

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Pan Goatee’s Horrible Day of Spring

April 29, 2021 at 10:32 pm (Aesthetics) ()

Genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee (whose serial killing hobby was killing ugly looking women) had recently moved to a new neighbourhood.

So far he hadn’t seen any ugly looking women in the neighbourhood which was good.

And he especially hadn’t seen that most obnoxious creature of all- the fat ugly blimp.

But Pan Goatee’s luck was about to run out.

Goatee was approaching the neighbourhood’s central street from the west.

He was approaching a three way intersection.

Some weirdo (who looked like he had crawled out of a 1960s movie about psychedelics using beach bums) heading south was sitting on a huge bicycle with a long wide minature carriage in tow behind him and hogging up the entire sidewalk.

The weirdo was waiting for the light to change.

Goatee couldn’t get by him to head north because the bum and his contraption were hogging up the entire sidewalk.

“You’re hogging up the entire sidewalk,” Goatee pointed out as he removed his astral laser machete from his belt and beheaded the inconsiderate asshole.

He then threw the psychedelics using beach bum and his head and body and bicycle and towed carriage into a passing garbage truck with the logo MIKE’S FAST AND EASY GARBAGE REMOVAL.

“Thanks, Mike,” Goatee shouted after the truck.

The satyr then head north where he walked to the neighbourhood shopping mall.

He entered a drug store.

Now so far in the time he had been in this neighbourhood they had had only beautiful looking women working as clerks in the drug store.

Tonight however they had a fat ugly blimp working at the cash till.

Even though she was wearing a mask (as mandated by the Coviet Union following local city council), one could still tell that the repulsive looking creature was a fat ugly blimp.

The blimp behind the mask (a terrifying 2021 dystopian version of that old 1936 British mystery film The Man Behind The Mask).

A very long haired and long bearded man who looked like he was an outlaw biker drug dealer bought a whole bunch of lottery tickets from the blimp behind the mask.

Goatee decided not to purchase anything from the store on this particular evening.

The fat ugly blimp behind the mask had finished the lottery ticket purchase for the outlaw biker drug dealer and was emerging from behind the cash till trying to walk in front of Pan Goatee.

“I’m afraid even wearing a mask doesn’t hide the ugliness of your fat ugly blimp face,” Goatee commented as he beheaded the fat ugly blimp with his machete.

A group of blimp eating nanites from Hell then arrived on the scene to eat the remains of the fat ugly blimp behind the mask’s head and body.

Goatee then headed to the Dollarama Store next door.

Where fortunately for Pan, the clerk in that store was a beautiful looking woman.

So Goatee bought a couple of bottles of Pepsi and exited the store.

As he walked outside, he noticed the man who looked like he was an outlaw biker drug dealer standing there alongside an expensive looking sports car with the car door open and standing there counting his lottery tickets.

“If you look like an outlaw biker drug dealer, gamble like an outlaw biker drug dealer, and own an expensive sports car like an outlaw biker drug dealer, chances are you’re an outlaw biker drug dealer,” Goatee remarked as he beheaded the man, “we can’t have trash like you cluttering up the neighbourhood.”

Goatee then started to walk home.

He came to the three way intersection where he had beheaded the psychedelics using beach bum inconsiderate asshole earlier.

At that intersection on the west side of the street was a small grocery store, a Fish and Chips restaurant that charged outrageously high prices for Fish and Chips (so Goatee never ate there), a liquor store and a closed Asian massage parlour.

Unlike Gavin Newsom’s California or Atlanta Georgia (where homicidally inclined sex addicts are called “racists”), sex trafficking gang owned Asian massage parlours were not allowed to open in these Coviet Union Covid times in this city.

On the lawn in front of the tiny four store complex were 3 picnic tables.

Since the province’s fat slob Fascist Premier had once again closed in-door dining in restaurants (on orders of the province’s ugly female health “expert” well versed in the dynamics of the global Coviet Union seeking to turn Earth into one vast prison house) but allowed outdoor dining, the “charge an arm and a leg for expensive and undoubtedly lousy fish and chips restaurant” had set up three picnic tables on the lawn thinking this qualified as “outdoor dining”.

A couple who looked like honest bikers sat there at one picnic table eating what looked to be the smallest order of fish and chips (because that was the cheapest) with their motorcycles parked behind them.

At another picnic table, another fat ugly blimp behind a mask (with obviously more money than brains) sat gazing down at her massive six plate order of fish and chips looking confused and somewhat dumbfounded.

No doubt this fat ugly blimp behind the mask is wondering how she can eat those expensive six plates of fish and chips with her mask on, Goatee thought to himself.

Goatee took out his astral laser machette and approached her, “You know wearing a mask doesn’t help. You still look like a fat ugly blimp even behind the mask. You’re the second fat ugly blimp I’ve encountered this evening. Which makes you the second fat ugly blimp I’ve encountered this month. Inconsiderate fat ugly blimps such as yourself have to go and make T.S. Eliot’s quote “April is the cruelest month” right. I would have preferred it if for once Eliot had turned out to be wrong. But no you fat ugly blimps who have probably never heard of T.S. Eliot have to go and make Eliot right.”

Goatee then beheaded this second fat ugly blimp behind the mask.

Once again blimp eating nanites from Hell arrived to eat Fat Ugly Blimp Behind The Mask #2’s head and body.

And the expensive fish and chips on the picnic table remained uneaten.

For there was no airheaded fat ugly blimp behind the mask alive to eat them.

Assuming of course she had figured out that she should really take off her mask to eat them.

All of those uneaten fish and chips were testament to one vast desolate wasteland.

The kind of which that T.S. Eliot used to write about.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday April 29th
2021

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The Demon Buffalo Headed Metal Rat In Washington DC

January 27, 2021 at 11:34 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Sorcery, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , )

Genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee was out shoveling the sidewalks in front of the house where he rented a room because it had snowed overnight.

“Just wait until I get my hands on those bloody frost giants of the old Norse pantheon,” Pan Goatee seethed, “They won’t live to fight the Battle of Ragnarok.”

The satyr pushed some more snow away.

“Just wait until I get my hands on Loki the Norse trickster god,” Goatee vowed, “He won’t live to fight the Battle of Ragnarok.”

Just then to Pan Goatee’s horror, a repulsively ugly fat ugly blimp came walking down the sidewalk.

She was walking down the sidewalk walking her dog.

“Bloody Hell,” Goatee noted, “That’s all I need to ruin my day is having to look at some fat ugly blimp. A two-legged dog (who are all ugly) out walking her four legged dog (who are generally cute).”

“Well, it would look pretty stupid the other way around,” Mr. Ed the Talking Horse remarked as he clomped by dragging an old milk wagon behind him, “If it was a four legged dog out walking a two legged dog.”

Mr. Ed stopped in front of a house down the street as Norman Newman the mailman turned milkman reached for a couple of jugs of fresh milk.

“Shit, the milk has frozen!” Norman Newman the mailman turned milkman called out.

“Well, I told you not to deliver milk in a milk wagon in the middle of a snowstorm,” Mr. Ed the Talking Horse pointed out as he smoked his Cuban cigar, “But did you listen? NO! What do I know you probably figured? I’m just a horse! Even though I won first prize in a Latin poetry writing competition a couple of years ago. Beating out 2018 humans I might add.”

Meanwhile Pan Goatee had by this time beheaded the fat ugly blimp and cut her up into 999 trillion pieces.

“And not only are you fat and ugly,” Goatee gave his aesthetic adjudication, “but you’re guilty of cruelty to animals as well. How do you think this poor dog feels having to walk around the neighbourhood with a fat ugly blimp such as yourself?”.

Indeed the dog was already running down the street enjoying his new found glorious freedom.

Krampus the goat demon hybrid arrived on the scene to gather up the 999 trillion pieces of the fat ugly blimp, put them in his sack and carry them down to Hades.

After crossing the River Styx, Cerberus the 3-headed dog peed and crapped all over the fat ugly blimp’s remains when he heard about her gargantuan cruelty to animals.

Meanwhile Loki the Norse trickster god made the mistake of walking by Pan Goatee.

Loki immediately found himself being beheaded by Pan Goatee’s laser astral machete.

“I hate it when that happens,” Loki’s head remarked as it rolled down the street.

. . .

“I see priests in the Catholic Archdiocese of Washington DC are lining up to hear Hunter Biden’s confession,” Amadeus Emanon remarked as he ate a bagel, “I wonder why they’re lining up to hear Hunter Biden’s confession?”.

“Beelzebub knows,” Uncle Ernie remarked as he fed a spoonful of crack cocaine to an Australian house fly, “Several Catholic priests in this diocese are trying to talk me into converting from Ashkenazi Judaism to Roman Catholicism for some reason.”

“That’s strange,” Amadeus admitted.

“It is,” Uncle Ernie nodded, “It probably means I’ll have to reglue my foreskin to my Jolly Roger if I want to covert from Ashkenazi Judaism to Roman Catholicism.”

Uncle Ernie held up the small glass bottle that had once been used to store a plastic contact lens but which was now home to Uncle Ernie’s foreskin which had been separated on and off from Uncle Ernie’s Jolly Roger all these many years.

“I wonder if that’s what the Canadian folk music band Captain Tractor meant by their song lyrics… When you see the Jolly Roger on Regina’s mighty shores?,” Amadeus mused aloud.

“I don’t remember Regina,” Australia’s notorious Uncle Ernie reflected on his past trips to Canada and Saskatchewan in particular, “I do remember I got my Jolly Roger caught in Moose Jaw down in the Al Capone Prohibition Booze era tunnels.”

. . .

“As we all know, Donald Trump incited an erection.”
-New York Sen. Chuck Schumer
coming out of the closet
on the U.S. Senate floor

. . .

A Demon Buffalo Headed Metal Rat was walking the streets of Washington DC.

The metal rat built by Havana Cuba based sanity challenged scientist Dr. Ja Oui Khan for Huawei Technologies of China had the skull of a demon buffalo put on its head by the Norse trickster god Loki prior to South African witch doctor Dr. Sterling Makabo restoring the skull to life turning it into a full fledged Demon Buffalo Head.

Ironically enough, Loki’s head was now missing from his body.

The Demon Buffalo Headed Metal Rat had been given the ability to detect and analyze thoughts.

It could tell those people who thought like Communists from those who didn’t think like Communists.

Those people who didn’t think like Communists the Demon Buffalo Headed Metal Rat gored to death with his demon buffalo horns.

The CEOs of Facebook, Twitter, YouTube and Google as well as the CEO of United Airlines were all safe from death at the horns of the Demon Buffalo Headed Metal Rat.

As were all the editors and reporters at the Washington Post, New York Times, CNN, MSNBC, NBC, CBS, ABC, BBC, Global News Canada and Fox News.

To say nothing of the entire Democratic Congressional and Senate caucuses and 2/3 of the Republican Congressional and Senate caucuses.

As well as all the members of the Biden-Harris Administration.

“I failed, I failed,” the ghost of Sen. Joe McCarthy sobbed as he walked down the streets of Washington DC.

“Wow, that really blows my mind,” Hunter Biden commented as he sat at the gates of the White House smoking a pipe of crack cocaine.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday January 27th
2021

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Pan Goatee Beheads Ugly Women On TV Ads and TV Shows

December 17, 2020 at 11:58 pm (Aesthetics) ()

Genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee had built himself a miniature CERN Large Hadron Collidor with a Lego set he had received from DARPA as an early Christmas present.

He was trying to see if the CERN collidor could be used as a time tunnel/time machine.

Goatee had taken to watching a lot more television this past month ever since his housemate who hogged the television all the time had left the house.

The only trouble was with the Christmas season approaching the obnoxious twits behind some Holiday Lotto ticket commercial in Canada insisted on ruining everybody’s Christmas by advertising their product showing some fat ugly blimp in it.

They had ran the same obnoxious commercial last Christmas but since the TV was being hogged at the time, he wasn’t subjected to the nauseating spectacle of some fat ugly blimp getting some Holiday Lotto scratch and win ticket under a Christmas tree at a Christmas party.

Now he was.

Using an old AMORC Calfifornia Rosicrucian pamphlet from the 1960s that he had found in an antique store a few years ago, Pan astral projected to the advertising agency who came up with the ad.

After torturing the advertising agency CEO before eventually beheading him, Pan found out that each individual member of the advertising team (who came up with the boneheaded ad showing an obese elephantine sized facially aesthetically challenged female advertising the (Unmerry) Holiday Lotto scratch and win ticket) was now working from home due to the pandemic (that was actually a plandemic/scamdemic).

After removing the man’s 10th fingernail with a pair of tweezers, the CEO eventually revealed the addresses of all the individual advertising team members who came up with the boneheaded ad.

Goatee astral projected to all their homes and beheaded them all.

He then went back in time (using the miniature CERN Large Hadron Collidor that he had built using Lego) and beheaded the fat ugly blimp under the Christmas tree in the ad.

He then cut her up into 999 trillion pieces and nanites came and ate her.

Krampus the half-goat half-demon hybrid arrived with his Christmas bag and put the nanites and the blimp’s vastly shrunken pieces inside and carried them down to Tartarus.

He then set fire to the Christmas tree while some cast member wept that this reminded him of what he had seen in the Amazon rainforest this past summer.

“I don’t think there are any Evergreen trees growing in the Amazon rainforest, you moron,” Goatee commented as he beheaded the person who had obviously flunked World Forest Geography back in High School.

Goatee’s next target was the cast, crew, producers, directors and writers of the Big Bang Theory TV Show.

Goatee had never watched the show but the TV networks seemed to be running endless TV commercials advertising reruns of the show.

Goatee gathered that the early episodes of the show were all right because they seemed to show a beautiful looking woman as the central female character.

But then they started showing a really super repulsive ugly looking woman as the central female character who became the antihero Sheldon’s (as antihero he obviously was because no hero would date somebody that repulsively ugly. Saint George would have let such a woman be eaten by the dragon if any dragon existed that had such bad taste in what they added to their diet) love interest and worse yet actually married her.

“I thought this Sheldon was supposed to be a genius,” Goatee pointed out to his teddy bear, “What sort of genius dates and proposes to and then marries someone that repulsively ugly? He’s obviously no genius. It’s obviously a pretense. Has he never read what Nietzsche and Oscar Wilde wrote about beauty and contrasting it with its opposite ugliness?”.

Back in time, Pan remarked to the actor who played Sheldon, “Thou pseudointellectual moron! Genius? Thou art not. It’s all a pretense. Thou strikest me as being a future Joe Biden supporter. Thou and those accursed Dominion voting machines with thee.”

And with that, he beheaded the actor who played Sheldon.

He then beheaded the ugly looking gargoyle who played Sheldon’s girlfriend, fiancee and wife in the TV series when she failed to immediately take his advice when he said, “Get thee to a nunnery.”

He then gathered some dynamite and blew up the set of the TV series.

“Big Bang Theory no more,” Goatee lit himself a cigar, “You are now big bang fact.”

The ghost of Adam Weishaupt (founder of the Bavarian Illuminati) was watching the CERN Large Hadron Collidor security camera videos with far leftist billionaire George Soros.

“I thought talk of this genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee was just a conspiracy theory,” Weishaupt remarked to Soros, “Now it appears to be conspiracy fact.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday December 17th
2020.

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Alberta Premier Jason Kenney Is A Fat Slob Neo-Fascist Apostle of The Antichrist

December 8, 2020 at 11:59 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, International Intrigue, Mystery, News, Poetry, Sorcery, Television, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

British MP Renfield R. Renfield was reading a recent Facebook status posted by a friend of his a geopolitical analyst who lived in Calgary.

The Facebook status read:

“The Alberta Provincial Government of Premier Jason Kenney have shown themselves to be Apostles of The Antichrist by announcing Neo-Bolshevik Covid Communist restrictions on the province.

They have further established themselves as Apostles of The Antichrist by calling this stupid press conference at 4 PM local time thus pre-empting my favourite soap opera The Young and The Restless which starts in this time slot.

At least fat slob Neo-Fascist Apostle of The Antichrist Jason Kenney could have waited until 5 PM (to pre-empt the Channel 7 Global News Calgary Disinformation Branch of the Orwellian Covid-1984 New World Order Ministry of Propaganda local news) to make his bloody announcement.

Fat slob Neo-Fascist Apostle of the Antichrist Jason Kenney shall roast in the flames of Hell for all Eternity for this.”

After reading this, Renfield was reminded of a historical incident often mentioned by the geopolitical analyst’s best friend in University a History major who went on to become a professional researcher and archivist.

According to the researcher-archivist, when the Lester B. Pearson Canadian Federal Liberal government brought in the Canada Federal Medical Care Act in 1966 which would establish a federal Public Health Care system, Alberta’s Provincial Social Credit Premier Ernest C. Manning was opposed to it because Alberta already had its own provincial Health Care system MSI (which stood for Medical Services Inc.).

Manning figured that the proposed new Canadian Medicare would not be as good as the provincial MSI.

In this, Manning was probably correct as the Lester Bowles Pearson Federal Liberals had already shown bad judgement by getting the Quebec Communist Pierre Elliot Trudeau to run for Federal Liberal MP in a Montreal riding and then naming him to the Federal Cabinet when the bum was actually elected.

Manning showed bad judgement however when he publicly broadcast on TV his opposition to the Canada Medicare Act by pre-empting an episode of the popular TV show The Munsters which was shown on the CTV Network’s broadcast outlet stations in Alberta.

The Munsters was an extremely popular television show back in the 1960s relating the misadventures and mishaps of the much beloved central character Herman Munster (played by actor Fred Gwynne).

Manning’s inherent bungling and bad judgement in pre-empting an episode of The Munsters would cost Manning’s Provincial Social Credit Party dearly in the next Alberta Provincial election in 1967.

Social Credit had always enjoyed a large majority in the Alberta Provincial Legislative Assembly ever since it first won election in 1935.

Opposition parties usually only held about 4 or 5 seats at the most.

However thanks to Manning’s bungling and incompetence in the Munstergate Affair, Social Credit went from holding 65 seats in the Alberta Legislature to holding only 55 seats in the 1967 Alberta Provincial election.

Social Credit now faced a massive 10 man Opposition, 6 seats went to the Alberta Progressive Conservative Party under its new leader Edgar Peter Lougheed, 3 seats went to the Alberta Liberal Party and 1 seat was won by an Independent.

Renfield figured that with pre-empting The Young and The Restless episode at 4 PM instead of the Channel 7 Global News Calgary Marxist Bullshit Propaganda Masquerading As News program at 5 PM, fat slob Neo-Fascist Apostle of the Antichrist Jason Kenney had sealed his electoral doom in the next Alberta Provincial election.

. . .

Genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee (whose serial killing specialty was killing ugly looking women) was walking to a nearby grocery store to buy eggs to make himself an omelette.

Suddenly he heard hurried footsteps.

The footsteps were coming from across the street as a thin ugly looking stoat (Pan Goatee divided ugly looking women into 3 categories- thin ugly stoats, medium sized ugly gargoyles and fat ugly blimps) was rushing to see if she could get ahead of him.

She rushed on the other side of parked cars on the street to get on to the sidewalk.

Goatee raced ahead as he wasn’t about to let someone as repulsively ugly as she was get ahead of him.

The ugly looking creature swore at Goatee under her breath (which was as foul as the sulphurous fumes of Hell) that Goatee with his excellent hearing picked up.

“Mumbling swear words is a sign of insanity,” Goatee commented with the eloquence of a Laurence Olivier delivering a Shakespearian theatrical performance as he beheaded the repulsively ugly looking thing with his astral laser machete.

He then cut the ugly looking creature up into 999 trillion pieces.

Nanites came and ate the pieces of the late unlamented uglo and then barfed all over one another.

The half-demon/half-goat hybrid Krampus then gathered up the uglo regurgitating nanites and put them in his sack and took them down to Hell.

. . .

Meanwhile on the Thames River in London, demons loyal to Apophis the Egyptian serpent god of Chaos were on board a ghostly spectral double of the Russian gunship Aurora (whose shots fired on the Winter Palace in Saint Petersburg signalled the start of the 1917 Russian Bolshevik Revolution).

The Russian gunship Aurora 2.0 had its great searchlights beamed on to Buckingham Palace.

The ghost of American singer Johnny Cash (recently granted a dispensational release from the Underworld by Hades and Persephone) protested the Aurora 2.0 having Buckingham Palace within its sites.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday December 8th
2020.

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Pan Goatee Beheads 6 Yutes and A Fat Ugly Blimp Alcoholic In A Blizzard Along With A Joe Biden Admiring Reporter

November 10, 2020 at 11:55 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Sorcery, Spy Tales, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee was walking through a blizzard to pick up a couple of bottles of Coca-Cola Zero (the diet Coke that actually tastes like Coca-Cola Classic unlike the named Diet Coke with a large D).

When he arrived at the nearby small shopping centre, he was horrified to discover that the grocery store had closed (probably due to nobody visiting them in the blizzard).

There was a liquor store next door to them which was open (because as everybody knows in contemporary booze happy North American society, liquor stores never close no matter what the weather. They’re even open in hurricanes and asteroid strikes which was a good thing with the 99942 Apophis asteroid rapidly approaching Earth).

Goatee went in to buy Coca-Cola Zero.

As he was leaving, a hideously repulsive fat ugly blimp entered the liquor store mumbling to herself, “Need whisky. Desperately need whisky.”

“Oh Great God Zeus,” Goatee exclaimed, “Just what society needs at the moment. A fat ugly blimp alcoholic.”

Goatee immediately beheaded the fat uglo extra-large purveyor of distillery and brewery fumes thus saving people from blinding and killing themselves at some future Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.

Nanites immediately came and ate the fat ugly blimp’s head and body.

Krampus the 2nd (a DARPA created genetic clone of the original Germanic demonic goat hybrid Krampus who appears in the former Germanic territories of the former Holy Roman Empire on Krampusnacht which is the evening before the Feast Day of Saint Nicholas) gathered up the 999 trillion remains of the fat ugly blimp alcoholic and put them in a bag and took them to Tartarus for cremation where the flames rose even higher due to the high alcohol intake.

Goatee continued down the blizzard laden street and noticed 6 yutes (what Joe Pesci’s Brooklyn lawyer character called “youths” during his first ever trial held in the Deep South in the 1992 film My Cousin Vinny) walking on the other side of the street.

“We don’t care what anyone says,” one of the 6 yutes shouted in a loud voice, “We’re going to continue to use sexist and racist terminlogy.”

“It’s bozos like you who are laying the groundwork for a Neo-Bolshevik Communist insurrection in the United States,” Goatee pointed out as he immediately beheaded the 6 yutes.

“Excuse me,” a Global News Canada reporter with a stupid looking expression on his face approached Goatee.

Of course almost all Global News Canada reporters have stupid looking expressions on their faces with the exception of a Vietnamese-Canadian female friend of a Calgary based geopolitical analyst who happened to work for Global News Calgary as a reporter.

One who when her local Calgary news stories are actually shown on Global News Canada National reports neither her name nor face is shown or her voice is heard to Global News Canada National audiences (thus showing the total racism and total hypocrisy of the politically correct Global News Canada Network whose political hero is the totally racist and totally hypocritical bozo with a “white savior’ complex Justin Trudeau).

“I noticed you beheaded those 6 yutes for being racist and sexist,” the Global News Canada reporter who was wearing a Joe Biden For President t-shirt pointed out, “yet aren’t you the satyr who goes around beheading ugly looking women? Isn’t beheading ugly women sexist?”.

“No you moron, that form of discrimination is called lookism,” Goatee answered as he beheaded the imbecilic Global News Canada reporter for his mental ineptitude, “If I was homosexual, I’d go around beheading ugly looking men. Just like when the bisexual writer Oscar Wilde (who’s one of my literary and Philosophy of Aesthetics heroes) was asked at his trial why he didn’t kiss a certain waiter at a certain hotel, Wilde answered, “Because he was too ugly.” So get your definition straight. It’s lookism not sexism. God knows, there are enough imbecilic reporters already in the world. Well, I guess there’s one less now.”

Goatee went home.

Goatee then watched on-line one of his favourite reporters, Detroit’s Michael Voris, a true objective journalist and not a Marxist partisan New World Order hack.

The photographic images on the screen behind Voris showed that birds of a feather flock together.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday November 10th
2020.

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The Day After

November 4, 2020 at 11:41 pm (Aesthetics, Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, Sorcery, Spy Tales, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

“The U.S. Democrats believe in killing babies and supporting sodomy.
So it should come as no surprise that they would believe in cheating at elections as well.”
-Renfield R. Renfield MP on the Democrats tampering with election results in the states of Wisconsin, Michigan and Pennsylvania to say nothing of Arizona, North Carolina and Georgia.

The world’s most charismatic and witty serial killer Pan Goatee was walking down the street when lo and behold! the poor chap’s night was ruined by the sight of a fat ugly blimp approaching.

“You hideous behemoth straight from the pits of the place that Pope Francis says doesn’t exist,” Pan Goatee remarked as he lopped the fat uglo’s head off, “Just because the Democrats are cheating their way to a pro-Communist Biden-Harris ticket victory doesn’t mean that you fat ugly blimps can walk around with impunity.”

Nanites immediately arrived on the scene to eat the fat ugly blimp’s head and body.

More massive regurgitation was now taking place aboard Charon’s ferry on the River Styx.

After Pan Goatee had bought the bread at the grocery store, he returned home.

While returning home, Pan Goatee encountered a medium sized ugly looking gargoyle.

The Oscar Wilde and Friedrich Nietzsche quoting on the subject of aesthetics genetically created satyr serial killer had, for his own personal Dewey system classification purposes, classified ugly looking females into three catgories: fat ugly blimps, medium sized ugly looking gargoyles and thin ugly looking stoats.

The gargoyle’s head was quickly lopped off by Pan Goatee’s machete and afer being eaten by nanites definitely would not be decorating the outside of Paris’ Notre Dame Cathedral in the near future much to the relief of other gargoyles as well as Islamic terrorists inspecting the outside of the building as they were planning their next terrorist attack.

A reporter from Canada’s Rebel News Network approached Goatee.

It was fortunate for her that she was beautiful.

“Mr. Goatee,” the woman smiled, “I imagine both sides in the upcoming Second American Civil War will be seeking your services. Which side will you be fighting for?”.

“Well I imagine most of the ugly women will be backing the Biden-Harris ticket,” Goatee sipped his Iced Cappuccino, “so I imagine I’ll be fighting against the Biden-Harris supporters. Most women who are leftists are either ugly or airheads or in many terrifying cases both.”

“So Trump can count on your support then?” Asked the Rebel News reporter.

“Yes,” Goatee signed autographs being sought by some of the neighbourhood children, “I don’t like Trump personally but I much prefer him to that senile old fool and KKK white supremacist puppet of Xi Jinping’s Chinese Communist Party on the other side.”

. . .

Global News Canada’s Communist correspondents in the U.S. Communist asshole Jackson Proskow, Communist asshole Eric Sorensen and Communist asshole Reggie Cecchini all had to change their underwear on hearing the news that Pan Goatee would be fighting against the pro-Communist Biden-Harris camp in the upcoming Second American Civil War.

. . .

George Soros’ son Alexander Soros who was the deputy chairman of his father’s Open Society Foundations (that was currently financing the ongoing Neo-Bolshevik Revolution in the U.S.) was spending the day consulting a spiritist medium.

The name of the spiritist medium had been given to him by well-known spirit cooker Marina Abramovic.

Soros was hoping to get in touch with the ghost of the 2nd Century rabbi Simeon bar Yochai.

Rabbi Simeon bar Yochai often referred to as Rashbi was said to be the author of the great Kabbalistic work the Zohar.

Many sayings of his were to be found in the Babylonian Talmud including a passage that said it was perfectly acceptable to have sexual relationships with girls as young as 2 or 3 years of age.

Alexander Soros was hoping to get advice from the rabbi’s ghost on how to fit America into the planned Great Reset envisioned by his father George Soros, Bill and Melinda Gates, Prince Charles of Britain who talked to plants and wondered why they never talked back to him, World Economic Forum Chairman Klaus Schwab, Pope Francis and Communist China’s paramount leader Xi Jinping.

. . .

An astronomer at the Mauna Kea astronomical observatory in Hawaii was observing the asteroid Apophis (named after the ancient Egyptian Great Serpent god of Chaos) that is calculated to be coming closest to Earth on April 13th 2029.

The trouble was the observatory’s instruments had suddenly picked up that the asteroid Apophis was accelerating its speed.

The astronomer asked the observatory’s computers to calculate what would happen if the asteroid continued to accelerate at a certain speed within a certain set of conditions.

The astronomer ripped off the final calculations on the paper from the computer printer.

The paper read, “It would hit Earth with maximum impact on…”

“Oh shit!” The astronomer cried, “Is there no end to all that is happening in 2020?”.


“Did anybody get the license plate number of that asteroid?”.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday November 4th
2020.

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Pan Goatee’s Ongoing Aesthetic Crusade and Hillary’s Nightmare

September 24, 2020 at 10:32 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee had gone to a nearby grocery store to buy himself some Mango and Guava juice (to start the new autumn season by eating and drinking healthy).

Pan Goatee’s serial killing specialty was to kill ugly looking women (or as he called them “female facially aesthetically challenged” so as not to be so politically offensive in an age of extreme political correctness where people are so easily offended about everything).

As Goatee returned from the grocery store and walked across the street to his home, he noticed a fat ugly blimp walking her dog (a dog of the four legged variety as opposed to the two legged variety).

The fat ugly blimp’s dog took a shit on the lawn of the house where Pan Goatee rented a room.

“Leaping toadstools!” Goatee exclaimed, “You walk around with your fat ugly face ruining the aesthetic environment of an early autumn evening and then your dog takes a shit on my lawn? Why don’t you potty train him to take a shit on your face? At least that way it would be a huge improvement.”

Goatee then beheaded the fat ugly blimp with his astral laser machete.

He beheaded the dog as well for crapping on his lawn.

Nanites from Hell arrived to eat the remains of the fat ugly blimp and her crapping dog.

After Goatee had put his Mango and Guava juice away, he was so angry about the encounter with the fat ugly blimp and her crapping dog, he decided to go for a long walk hoping that seeing the autumn colours of the trees would improve his mood.

But the colours of the trees had not changed colour yet.

It must be all the hot air flowing from City Hall these days as the city’s fat chubby Mayor (who lucky for him was male otherwise his political career might have come to an abrupt and sudden end when Goatee moved into the city) and his brainless city councillors and even more brainless bureaucrats didn’t seem to know how to run a city, Goatee fumed.

The hot air from City Hall was preventing the leaves on the trees from changing colour.

Goatee decided to turn around and head home.

His mood even more sour than ever.

Then lo and behold! his mood worsened when an even fatter and uglier fat ugly blimp than the one he encountered earlier in the evening was walking down the street right at him.

“What’s with you uglos?” Goatee noted as he beheaded her, “This must be part of a George Soros funded plot to lower the morale of what used to be western civilization and pave the way for a global Communist revolution. They’ve even got fat ugly blimps doing TV ads for the Big Spin Wheel Lottery whereas in the past they used to have beautiful women doing it. This Great Reset as Soros and the UN call it is off to a piss poor start in my opinion. And my lawn if it could talk would say it’s off to a crappy start!”.

. . .

“Unholy Mother of Beelzebub!” Hillary Clinton woke up screaming, “I had a nightmare where I dreamed I was being beheaded by a genetically created satyr hot off the test tubes and hot off the pages of classical Greek mythology and he was speaking hilariously funny Oscar Wilde style witticisms as he beheaded me.”

“I had the same nightmare!” Bill said as he woke up with a huge smile on his face.

“Have you been sleep writing phone numbers again?” Hillary grabbed the pen and paper away from the former Fornicator-In-Chief.

Hillary became enraged, “Why did you write down Monica Lewinsky’s phone number?”.

“Did I write down Monica Lewinsky’s phone number?” Bill blushed, “I meant to write down Ariana Grande’s. I imagine Monica is quite old by now. And I really enjoyed ogling Ariana Grande’s ass along with the Rev. Jesse Jackson at Aretha Franklin’s funeral two years ago. I was wanting to have Ariana perform with me a duet version of that old Dolly Parton song Here You Come Again.”

Hillary hit Bill over the head with a cactus plant.

. . .

Pope Francis looked at the shooter style mean looking alcohol concoction in his gay papal secretary’s shooter glass.

“What’s that drink called?” The Communist pontiff inquired.

“It’s called a Cthulhu,” his secretary answered.

“A what?” Francis looked confused.

“A Cthulhu,” the secretary replied, “named after a fictional monster created by the American horror writer H.P. Lovecraft.”

“What does it taste like?” Francis asked.

“I guess I’m about to find out,” the secretary smiled and downed the shooter.

He immediately disintegrated.

Both flesh and bones (most of his bones anyways).

Only his skull remained.

“I don’t think I shall ever order one of those,” Francis remarked as he rang his bell to ask his valet to bring him a new secretary.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday September 24th
2020.

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Ugly Looking Bimbos, Inept Mad Scientists and Covid Communism

July 27, 2020 at 10:47 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Vampire novel) ()

Genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee was watching the news.

He was doing it on a television specially fitted with Cadbury Rocher television equipment (developed by Set Enterprises’ chief scientist Dr. Cadbury Rocher).

One of the special features was a Truth interpreter that told the viewer what the subject on television was actually saying.

Thus when Global News Canada’s America correspondent Eric Sorenson was busy giving his Communist and Neo-Bolshevik slant on events in the United States and would sign off with his usual signature statement, “This is Eric Sorenson for Global News reporting from Washington”, the Truth interpreter would give the correct pronouncement, “This is Eric Sorenson for the Global News Canada Division of the New World Order Ministry of Propaganda reporting from Washington.”

When the Global News Calgary announcer announced the next news story, Why are more couples seeking to become pregnant during the pandemic? and the story flashed to the visual image of a fat ugly looking blimp seeking to become pregnant during the pandemic, Pan Goatee threw up all over the marijuana plant his next door neighbour asked to baby sit for him.

But this is where another Cadbury Rocher TV feature came in.

Pan Goatee was able to send a holographic image of John Cleese as TV character Basil Fawlty (from the British TV comedy Fawlty Towers) to the place where the fat ugly blimp in the television news segment actually lived.

Cleese’s holographic image would say to the fat ugly blimp one of Cleese’s most popular lines from Fawlty Towers, “My God but you’re ugly.”

Cleese’s holographic image would then cut off the fat ugly blimp’s head with an astral laser machete.

He then cut up the fat ugly blimp into 999 quadrillion pieces.

Vomit spewing nanites would come and eat up all the pieces of the dismembered fat ugly blimp and then spew forth vomit.

When Cleese’s holographic image had finished spewing holographic vomit into the next door neighbour’s LSD laced kitty litter box as part of a natural reaction to seeing the hideous repulsively ugly fat ugly blimp, he then went after the fat ugly blimp’s brainless moronic imbecile husband who wanted to make her pregnant.

In a line he never said on Fawlty Towers, Cleese’s holographic image remarked, “My God but you’re stupid” as he lopped off the stupid looking head of the moronic imbecile with incredibly bad taste in women.

Having used Cleese’s holographic image to lop off the heads of the fat ugly blimp and her incredibly moronic husband, Goatee turned the TV off and walked up to a nearby grocery store to buy bread.

As he walked along the sidewalk an immensely ugly looking and stupid female cyclist (who was too stupid to figure out she should ride on the road and not the sidewalk) came riding straight towards him.

“Haven’t you heard that Calgary’s Communist Mayor has decreed that wearing masks is now mandatory?” Goatee commented as he lopped the uglo’s head off, “And besides for somebody as ugly looking as you are, you should have the decency to wear masks in public anyways.”

He then cut her up into 999 quadrillion pieces.

Meanwhile in his castle tower laboratory, Bill Gates was using the recipe for Little Caesar’s Soft Crust Pizza to see if he could come up with a vaccine for Covid-19.

“Waaaaahhaaaaaahhhhaaah!” He cackled as lightning struck.

Meanwhile as Pan Goatee’s next door neighbour wondered why his marijuana plant was a different colour than it was before the satyr babysat it, he was watching the news where Dr. Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus the head of WHO was saying, “There remains a long hard road ahead of us.”

If the Dr. Cadbury Rocher Truth Interpreter feature had been on the pot smoker’s television set, it would have factually translated the remarks to read, “There are still a few holdouts who are resisting our attempt to impose a Marxist-Leninist One World Government on the planet.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday July 27th
2020.

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Pan Goatee Slays Heavy Drinking Uglo While Hades and Poseidon Hold Summit

June 28, 2020 at 10:30 pm (Aesthetics, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Pan Goatee was sickened by the sight of some repulsively ugly looking creature entering a liquor store.

“I guess if I was as ugly looking as you are, I’d be driven to drink as well,” the satyr commented as he lopped the uglo’s head off with his astral laser machete.

He then cut up the said uglo into 999 quintillion pieces with his machete as he addressed the approaching blind folded and covid mask wearing rats and approaching blind folded and covid mask wearing nanites who’d be eating the remains of the uglo and then vomiting them up on the banks of the River Styx for transport to Tartarus, “With the Covid refusing to die down like a good virus, the United Nations’ Communist Secretary-General Antonio Guterres saying he hopes a global Marxist government can be quickly established as the “new normal” in a post-pandemic world and Neo-Bolshevik insurrectionists establishing a neo-Jacobin French Revolutionary style Reign of Terror in the U.S., you’re not helping matters aesthetically polluting Gaia by wandering around with your ugly looking faces ruining the days of sensible people everywhere but of course not the days of stupid people (of which there seems to be an overabundance in the Western world). Dickens said of the years of the original Reign of Terror, “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times”. But thanks to the repulsive pathetically ugly ugliness of uglos such as yourself, we’ve only got the “worst of times’ in this second Reign of Terror.”

Meanwhile down in the Underworld, Hades the Greek god of the underworld was holding a summit meeting with Poseidon the Greek god of the Ocean.

“The Underworld seems to be inundated with a lot of uglos these days because of that troublesome satyr Pan Goatee,” Hades complained to Poseidon.

“I don’t think you can blame Pan Goatee,” Poseidon came to the defense of the satyr, “you have to blame the Western world for somehow having an overabundance of ugly females. Our brother Zeus says he no longer visits Canada and the U.S.A. anymore when he’s feeling raunchy. It just invokes nausea in him.”

“Turning to another matter, I granted the ghost of General Andrew Jackson a dispensational release from Purgatory so he can go fight the Neo-Bolshevik insurgents that are trying to take over the U.S.,” Hades lit himself a cigar.

“Jackson heard about that?” Poseidon ate a scallop.

“Yes, news reached him about the Neo-Bolshevik insurgents trying to tear his statue down in the vicinity of the White House a few days ago so now he wants to go fight them,” Hades explained.

“And why did you agree to his request?” Poseidon asked.

“Because he provides me with such good cigars,” Hades blew smoke rings, “although I think he gets them from the ghost of his wife who was apparently quite the cigar connoisseur in her mortal life.”

“What’s the latest with the Neo-Bolshevik insurrection in the U.S. anyways?” Poseidon ate a lobster who was a distant cousin of Set Enterprises’ famed psychic lobster Michelangelo.

“I hear Antifa has been advertising a peaceful family friendly 4th of July Flag Burning at the Gettysburg Cemetery this coming 4th of July,” Hades drank a gin and tonic.

“I imagine Abe Lincoln’s ghost and Union General Ulysses S. Grant will be requesting dispensations if that goes ahead,” Poseidon remarked.

“Undoubtedly,” Hades nodded.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday June 28th
2020.

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