Renfield’s Thursday December 8th ₱odcast
The Femme Fatale Art Thief
The femme fatale art thief
Atargatis In Moscow
Syro-Phoenician goddess Atargatis in the Kremlin
Russian President Vladimir Putin had stopped off in a Kremlin tea shop to watch the broadcast of the Russian state controlled television news network.
Said news announcer Dmitri Bullshitovich, “In London, England today two members of the environmentalist group Just Stop Oil threw tomato soup at Vincent Van Gogh’s famous 1888 painting Sunflowers at the National Gallery in London.
The contents of two tins of Heinz tomato soup were thrown at the painting.
The ghost of Andy Warhol was overheard to say, “Thank God no cans of Campbell’s Tomato Soup were used.”
The two Just Stop Oil climate change protestors’ 15 minutes of fame came to a sudden and abrupt end when British MP Renfield R. Renfield used the headsman’s axe from the 1933 Alexander Korda directed Charles Laughton starring film The Private Life of Henry VIII to chop off one of each of the two airheaded protestors’ hands (which they had foolishly glued to the wall underneath the painting).
Athough the Metropolitan London Police Force in a press release statement rather euphemistically described the Renfield procedure as “Specialist officers have now unglued them…”
As the protestors were led away in one handcuff each, a holographic image of American singer-songwriter Don McLean appeared and started singing, “I could have told you, Vincent, this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you…”
As an organ grinder and his monkey were gunned down and killed outside the National Gallery as yet another example of London’s rising crime rate, the holographic image of Don McLean then appeared outside and began singing “The day the music died…”
Meanwhile all across England, members of Just Stop Oil were apparently visited by an invisible 6 foot 8 tall Welsh pooka bunny rabbit (seen by members who had been drinking Harvey Wallbangers) and had an American cream pie laced with tomato soup thrown in their face.
After the cream pie was thrown, the ghost of Vincent Van Gogh then appeared and started singing, “I have no ear for music…”
Russian President Vladimir Putin continued walking down the hall, “I have the feeling that that particular Russian state television news story was true.”
Indeed it was for Putin’s supernatural spirit advisor the demon Moloch (who was appearing to Putin in the guise of Saint Michael the Archangel) had fled upon hearing the news story for he couldn’t stand listening to the truth.
When Putin entered his office, he was surprised to see the Syro-Phoenician goddess Atargatis sitting there.
Putin recognized it was Atargatis from an unknown (to the world) Vincent Van Gogh portrait painting of Atargatis that the Kremlin owned.
The painting had been purchased from Van Gogh by a Saint Petersburg art dealer just before the artist died in 1890 and had been given by the art dealer to Czar Alexander III that same year of 1890.
“What does Atargatis the mother of Semiramis the 1st queen of Babylon want with me?” Putin asked.
“I want you to stop invading Ukraine, turn around and invade the State of Israel instead,” Atargatis answered.
Putin spit the tea he had just sipped out of his mouth.
The tea went flying across the room and hit the ghost of Orson Welles in his beard.
It was a good thing Welles was a ghost.
Otherwise he’d have tea stains in his beard.
“And what are you doing here?” Putin asked Welles’ ghost.
“I’ve come to make you an offer from Renfield R. Renfield that you can’t refuse,” Welles pulled out a spectral violin case.
Atargatis? Or Welles?
Whose offer should he Putin accept?
“You’ll be the new villain of Hannukah if you invade Israel,” Welles pointed out.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday October 14th
2022.
Greek Goddess Hera and Samhain Cardinal Salaman
The Greek goddess Hera was modelling at a fashion show in Rome, Italy
Bothered by the infidelity of her chronically unfaithful husband the Greek god Zeus, Hera was trying to gain some self confidence by modelling among the most beautiful women in the world at a fashion show in Rome.
Among the guests who would be attending the fashion show was Samhain Cardinal Salaman.
Cardinal Salaman was one of the few heterosexual Cardinals to work in Pope Francis’ Vatican which had been described by one commentator as “one vast uncloseted closet of gays”.
The Grindr hook-up app was the most downloaded app in the Vatican today.
Pope Alexander VI (aka Rodrigo Borgia) was turning over in his rotating barbeque spit down in Tartarus over the news that his Vatican of intense heterosexual lust and orgies had become a Vatican of intense homosexual lust and orgies under Pope Francis.
Samhain Cardinal Salaman was anxious to see real women for a change rather than the fairy queens who paraded up and down the halls of the contemporary Vatican.
Although according to members of Joe Biden’s cabinet and the brainless mainstream media there was no such being as a real woman anymore.
Samhain Cardinal Salaman was impressed by Hera’s performance on the catwalk in this early September Roman fashion show.
After the show was over, he went backstage to the dressing rooms to talk to the Olympian goddess.
“Excuse me but aren’t you the Greek goddess Hera?” Samhain Cardinal Salaman asked her.
Hera the beautiful goddess (often left alone by the “always searching for a new pussy” Zeus) turned to look at him.
“I am,” she answered, “Aren’t you Samhain Cardinal Salaman the only heterosexual Cardinal who works full time at the Vatican?”.
Later that evening the Cardinal and the goddess had dinner and wine together in an exclusive Rome restaurant.
“So how did you recognize me?” Hera asked the Cardinal.
“From your busts, statues and portraits that are kept in the lower floors of the Vatican,” Samhain answered, “At one time they were on the main floor of the Vatican but after Jorge Mario Bergoglio was elected Pope, all those works of art were moved downstairs and replaced by all the busts, naked statues and nude portraits of the ancient Greek gods. No goddesses allowed.”
“It’s a wonder why Francis has not commissioned new works of art for the Vatican that are inclined towards his tastes,” Hera licked a pair of olives from her martini.
“Well it was tried once with a notorious Australian male model named Uncle Ernie (who had posed for Salvador Dali back in the 1950s). Uncle Ernie served as the model for a nude Goliath. However after the world’s first microscope, invented by Dutch father and son team Hans and Zacharias Janssen in 1590 and kept in the Vatican Archives, was broken after the papal investigation team tried to locate something that was apparently far far less than gargantuan on Uncle Ernie posing as Goliath’s statue, a new work of art was never commissioned again,” Cardinal Salaman explained.
“Interesting,” Hera swallowed the olives.
They got around to discussing the recently failed Artemis 1 moon rocket launches.
“I’ve been told they failed because Artemis is furious that Joe Biden apparently killed at least two of her sacred deer on a deer hunting expedition last fall,” Cardinal Salaman ate his spaghetti.
“That is true,” Hera nodded, “Originally Artemis just thought that one of her sacred deer was slain. So senile old fool Joe sacrificed a daughter from an extra marital affair to Artemis last Thursday in Philadelphia. Just before Joe gave his Hitlerian Fuhrer like speech (with Nazi flag colours in the background behind him) in Philadelphia in which he threatened to send the military after half of the electorate in the country. ”
“Yes, I heard that Joe did such a good job at impersonating a Hitler under the influence of alcohol and an Henry VIII style over indulgence in roast beef (the original Fuhrer was both a teetotaler and a vegetarian) that apparently an independent film producer is thinking of making a film in which both Joe Biden and Justin Trudeau will have the lead starring roles,” Cardinal Salaman noted, “The movie will be about Adolf Hitler meeting Jesse Owens at the 1936 Summer Olympics.”
“Yes, I heard that too,” Hera smiled.
-A vampire novel chapter
Written by Christopher
Monday September 5th
2022.
Joe Biden Asked To Perform An Agamemnon
The Greek goddess Artemis being serenaded by musicians who were brought to life from a mural painting
“Who is Aeschylus?” Vice-President Kamala Harris asked one of her aides.
“He was an ancient Greek playwright who lived from approximately 525 BC to 456 BC and is believed to have written anywhere from 70 to 90 plays,” her aide answered, “He is considered the Father of Tragedy. In fact his ghost is believed to have written the recent Inflation Reduction Act. In fact on the night of April 4th 1968, Bobby Kennedy quoted from Aeschylus while addressing Afro-American voters in Indianapolis, Indiana when he had to break the tragic news to them that the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King had been assassinated. The Aeschylus quote was this:
“Even in our sleep, pain which cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart until, in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom through the awful grace of God.”
-Aeschylus
“What were some of his plays?” Kamala asked.
“Well he once wrote a trilogy of plays about the family of King Agamemnon of Mycenae the fellow who commanded the Greeks during the Trojan War,” her aide replied, “The trilogy was called The Oresteia named after Orestes who was a son of King Agamemnon.”
“Rather ironic you should be talking about The Oresteia,” remarked a leading high-ranking NASA official as he walked by on his way to the Oval Office to see Joe Biden.
“Ironic? How so?” Kamala inquired.
“That’s on a need to know basis and you don’t need to know,” the NASA official replied.
The FBI agent accompanying the NASA official was a Neo-Bolshevik Communist (like most FBI agents are these days) and did not understand the classical allusions that were being thrown around.
This entire scene was part of a dream (or was it a vision?) being seen by Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster in his lobster tank at Set Enterprises Laboratories in London, England.
The name of the high-ranking NASA official was Dr. Nachash Naga.
He was on an important mission for NASA.
The Artemis 1 moon rocket was supposed to have been launched this past Monday August 29th 2022 but then something happened and the launch was postponed until this Saturday September 3rd 2022.
But even that might be postponed further because of new information that had come up.
Unless…
“Mr. President,” Dr. Nachash Naga addressed the Pooper-In-Chief, “We need you to do something for us.”
“Glad to oblige,” Biden ate a piece of Ex-Lax.
“Mr. President, we have a problem and it isn’t Houston,” Dr. Nachash Naga explained, “Do you remember last fall when you went deer hunting?”.
“Um, I don’t actually,” answered the Pooper-In-Chief who suffered from dementia.
“Well, you shot and killed a deer,” Dr. Nachash Naga pointed out.
“Good for me,” Joe Biden grinned.
“Well that turned out to be a bad thing, Mr. President,” Dr. Nachash Naga hissed, “It turned out that the deer you shot and killed was a deer sacred to the Greek goddess Artemis.”
“Who is Artemis?” Joe Biden looked at a photo of the Belvedere Apollo and wondered if he should invite the sculpted statue to join his cabinet.
“Artemis was the Greek goddess of the hunt and wild animals as well as the Greek goddess of the moon,” Dr. Nachash Naga flashed his incisors, “and as a result of your killing that deer sacred to her, she is preventing the Artemis 1 rocket from being launched.”
“So, what can I do about it?” Joe Biden scratched his diaper rash.
“Well when King Agamemnon of Mycenae slew and killed a deer sacred to Artemis and the goddess prevented the Greek fleet from sailing towards Troy as punishment, Agamemnon was forced to sacrifice his daughter Iphigenia to Artemis to appease her wrath.”
“So what do you want me to do?” Biden put on Kamala Harris’ high school Dunce cap.
“We want you to sacrifice your daughter to Artemis in the next couple of days to appease her wrath so we can get the Artemis 1 moon rocket launched this coming Saturday,” Dr. Nachash Naga began filing his fingernails.
“Can I sniff her hair before I sacrifice her?” Joe Biden asked.
“Of course, Mr. President,” Dr. Nachash Naga looked exasperated.
“Wait,” Joe Biden suddenly had a moment of clarity after taking a Claritin tablet, “Jill might be rather pissed at me if I sacrifice Ashley.”
“Joe, I have a suggestion,” Barack Obama delivered his instructions into Joe’s earpiece as he always did, “Did you ever have any extra marital affairs?”.
“I can’t remember,” Joe was trying to remember the tune of the Bob Hope song Thanks For The Memory.
“Well ask some of your FBI agents to stop sifting through Donald Trump’s underwear and try to track down any extra marital affairs you might have had and any children you might have had particularly girls,” Obama explained, “Then you can sacrifice that daughter from an extra marital affair.”
“Gee, I wonder if any are still alive,” Biden picked his nose, “This is one occasion when I wish I hadn’t been so gung ho for abortion.”
“Just send out the FBI, Joe,” Obama barked, “Find any surviving daughters from those extra marital affairs and just do the damned sacrifice. We’ve got to get to the moon before Vladimir Putin and Jackie Gleason’s wife Alice do.”
Meanwhile in Hunter Biden’s room, he was being visited by the ghost of a beautiful young Greek girl named Electra.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday August 31st
2022.
The John William Waterhouse Painting
An oil painting by John William Waterhouse (April 6th 1849- February 10th 1917)
Dashwood Forrest the famous London art curator was sitting in his art gallery The Dashwood Forrest Art Gallery waiting for any customers to walk in through the door.
It was a Saturday night.
A Saturday night in mid-June.
Dashwood Forrest’s art gallery was generally busy on a Saturday night in autumn or winter but rarely on a Saturday night in spring or summer.
The sole exception was during the years of the plandemic of 2020-2021 when his art gallery was pretty well closed all year long.
Forrest was thus surprised when he saw someone walk through his door.
Unbeknownst to Forrest, the man was on the run from Special Branch of the Metropolitian London Police.
The man had stolen a top secret document.
A secret agreement signed between George Soros, Bill Gates, Klaus Schwab, Pope Francis and the 2 leading religious authorities in Islam.
The man thought he’d drop into The Dashwood Forrest Art Gallery in hopes he could escape his Special Branch pursuers.
“Good evening,” Forrest stood up from his desk.
“Good evening,” said the man, “I’d… uh… like to look at some paintings.”
“Certainly,” Forrest smiled, “We have some very good originals along this wall here.”
“What an absolutely lovely painting,” the man walked over to one and looked at it intensely.
“That’s a reproduction not an original,” Forrest explained, “It’s a reproduction of an oil painting by the British Pre-Raphaelite painter John William Waterhouse whose art works were known for their depictions of women from both ancient Greek mythology and Arthurian Legend.”
Forrest added, “And none of the women who served as models for the subjects in Waterhouse’s paintings would have been beheaded by Pan Goatee had he lived back in the day.”
“What is the name of this particular Waterhouse painting?” The man asked, “I notice there’s no name in the description.”
“Just a minute,” Forrest went over to his desk and his gallery catalogue, “I’ll look and see.”
“What a beautiful woman,” the man looked at the subject of the painting.
Suddenly the man looked through the gallery window and noticed the operatives of Special Branch approaching the gallery.
“Oh God,” the man prayed, “let me into the picture.”
Forrest returned, “I can’t seem to find the name..”
Dashwood stopped speaking.
The man had disappeared.
Special Branch walked through the door.
“Excuse me,” said the head honcho as he flashed his badge, “Has anyone been in the gallery tonight?”.
“Well there was a gentleman who was here who was inquiring about this reproduction of a John William Waterhouse painting but he seems to have disappeared,” Forrest answered.
“That’s one John William Waterhouse painting I don’t seem to recognize,” said a female Special Branch operative who had been an Art History major at Cambridge.
Forrest looked at the painting and gasped.
For the man who had been standing and talking to Forrest in the gallery minutes earlier was there.
In the painting.
Talking to the beautiful woman in the picture.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday June 18th
2022.
Dracul Van Helsing 
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