Artemis and The Ghost of W.C. Fields In Paris
The Greek goddess Artemis in Paris
The Greek goddess Artemis was in her Paris hotel room.
Suddenly the ghost of W.C. Fields walked into the room.
“My dear, you look ravishingly beautiful,” W.C. doffed his top hat in her direction.
“Thank you, William,” Artemis stood up, threw open the curtain and gazed at the Eiffel Tower.
“William?” W.C. Fields was starstruck, “I had no idea you knew my first name.”
“I do,” Artemis smiled.
“I once met Joe Biden in the Oval Office,” Fields took a sip from a bottle of gin in one hand and a bottle of vermouth in the other, “and he told me he thought W.C. stood for Water Closet. Thus when he pulled his pants down and asked me to lie directly underneath his squatting legs, I immediately left the room.”
“Joe Biden is an ass,” Artemis stated emphatically.
“That he is, my dear, that he is,” W.C. Fields nodded emphatically, “and many a brown noser has followed that ass.”
“He shot and killed at least two of my sacred deer on a hunting trip last fall,” Artemis’ cheeks turned red with wrath and anger.
“Very sad story, my dear, very sad story,” Fields wiped his eyes with his handkerchief, “It’s enough to make one weep against the breasts of your statue in Ephesus.”
“Is that a vulture flying around the Eiffel Tower?” Artemis asked.
“I believe it is, my dear, I believe it is,” W.C. put on his monocle and looked, “It certainly isn’t my little chickadee.”
“What’s a vulture doing flying around the Eiffel Tower?” Artemis inquired.
“I believe that’s the ghoul vulture of Xi Jinping,” Fields ate a hard boiled egg, “The one who lays thousand-year-old eggs for Communist China’s paramount leader to enjoy at his large festive banquets in the Forbidden Palace.”
“What’s he doing in Paris?” Artemis wondered.
“Well I hear that George Soros’ French poodle Emmanuel Macron is calling on citizens of the Fifth Republic to freeze to death this winter in order to save the planet,” Fields ate some egg foo yung cooked in French champagne, “Perhaps the ghoul vulture of Xi Jinping is awaiting their demise so he can feed on their carcasses to his heart’s content.”
“All so that Xi Jinping can watch a bird lay an egg?” Artemis was incredulous.
“Well Xi has laid many an egg in front of the Beijing Politbureau,” Fields pointed out, “Perhaps he engages in such voyeuristic bird watching activities with vultures as a form of personal relaxation.”
“Nice to see you in Paris, William,” Artemis smiled.
“It’s nice to be in Paris, my dear,” W.C. again doffed his top hat in her direction, “I was debating whether to visit Philadelphia or Houston. I’m glad I didn’t visit Philadelphia as I heard Joe Biden sacrificed some young woman there while he was wearing the crown of King Agamemnon. Then later that evening he gave a Nazi fascist Stalinist Galactic Empire speech. He might want to brush up on his German, Russian and Klingon a little for even greater impact. I’m glad I didn’t visit Houston as they’re still weeping at NASA Mission Control over the two failed Artemis 1 Moon Rocket launches.”
“Believe it or not, William, there is a connection between what happened in Philadelphia and the crying in Houston,” Artemis pointed out.
“There is?” Fields scratched his chin.
“There is,” Artemis pulled a volume of Aeschylus out of her hotel room bookshelf.
The Aeschylus volume was right next to James Fenimore Cooper’s The Deerslayer.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday September 4th
2022.
Dr. Nachash Naga’s Nightmare
NASA administrator Dr. Nachash Naga hit the roof when the launch of Artemis 1 was scrapped yet again.
As his secretary Deborah called for someone to repair the roof, Dr. Nachash Naga threw his model of the Artemis 1 rocket across the room breaking it into a million piecea.
“What went wrong?” Dr. Nachash Naga demanded to know.
Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster adjusted his lobster antennae in his lobster tank at Set Enterprises in London, England in order to pick up the best imagery and audio of what he was seeing.
Michelangelo still wasn’t sure whether this was a vision or a dream.
“Well,” Nimrod the little green frog who was now serving as a special advisor to NASA (having built the Tower of Babel in man’s first attempt to reach the heavens before he wound up in a UFO crash and was later turned into a little green frog by Lilith the ancient Babylonian vampiress) spoke, “We thought we had a deal with the Greek goddess Artemis after Joe sacrificed one of his unknown daughters to her in Philadelphia before he gave his Nazi Fascist Fuhrer speech in Philadelphia that same night.”
“So what happened to that deal?” Dr. Nachash Naga sucked the life out of an apple.
“Well last night,” Nimrod explained, “someone posted a video on YouTube of senile old Joe shooting and killing a second deer sacred to Artemis last fall. Artemis saw the video and posted a comment, “I am so absolutely furious right now. The winds that stopped King Agamemnon’s fleet from sailing towards Troy are even now sucking the hydrogen out of the Atlas 1 moon rocket as we speak.” And sure enough today’s launch was postponed as a result of a hydrogen leak.”
“Bugger,” Dr. Nachash Naga swore.
“I’m sorry, I don’t do that anymore,” the ghost of Oscar Wilde said as he appeared, “I don’t know what joker in the realm of Hades sent me here as soon as you spoke that noun. I had to spend several years in Purgatory as a result of doing that in my own lifetime. As the people who are joyfully participating in tomorrow’s Sodomite Pride Parade in Calgary will discover when they cast off this earthly coil. They’ll be spending a lot of time in Purgatory. That is if they aren’t sent directly to Tartarus.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday September 3rd
2022.
Joe Biden Speaks In Philadelphia: “This Is My Struggle…”
Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun was visiting the Killarney lakes to see his friend Dr. Donegal Dundee the famous leprechaun scientist.
“So what are you up to these days, Don-Dun?” Yaldabaoth asked.
“Well I’ve recently been hired by Vladimir Putin to work in collaboration with South African witch doctor Dr. Sterling Makabo to raise the mad monk Rasputin from the dead at his grave in Tsarskoye Selo,” Dr. Donegal Dundee explained while drinking a glass of fine Jameson Irish Whiskey, “Dr. Makabo is going to raise Rasputin from the dead. The only trouble is people that Dr. Makabo raise from the dead look like zombies. And Vladimir Putin can’t stand looking at zombies (he has an antipathy to “woke” U.S. Democratic Party voters). So Makabo is going to raise Rasputin from the dead and I’m going to use my unique blend of Guinness, Murphy’s and O’hara’s Irish Red specially crafted embalming fluid (the one most recommended at funeral parlours in Ireland which is why Irish crematoriums were condemned at last year’s Glasgow Climate Change Summit as a major cause of global warming and a dire threat to the planet although the earth mother goddess Gaia would probably die happy) to make Rasputin look human again when he comes back from the dead.”
“You do know that Vladimir Putin is a Neo-Czarist and a Neo-Russian Imperialist who fancies himself a reincarnation of Czar Peter the Great?” Yaldabaoth raised an eyebow.
“I do know that,” Dr. Donegal Dundee painted Yaldabaoth’s raised eyebrow green.
. . .
“That was quite the speech Joe Biden gave in Philadelphia last night,” Dr. Nachash Naga mentioned to another NASA official, “It was a good and fortunate thing that it turned out that one of his daughters lived in Philadelphia so it appears that the Artemis 1 moon rocket launch is a go tomorrow.”
Dr. Nachash Naga’s secretary Deborah frowned as she listened to the conversation.
What the Hell did Dr. Nachash Naga mean by that?
. . .
British MP Renfield R. Renfield was doing a Friday night podcast.
He did the podcast wearing a t-shirt that said DEFUND THE FBI.
“This is what Joe Biden looked like delivering his speech in Philadelphia last night when he said that Donald Trump and MAGA Republicans are a threat to democracy.” :
Said Renfield, “Any photographic resemblance between Joe Biden’s arm gestures and facial expressions and the arm gestures and facial expressions of a certain late Fuhrer of 1930s and early 1940s Germany is no doubt purely coincidental.
As is no doubt any resemblance used between the silhouette background colours used by both speakers at their selected rallies.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday September 2nd
2022.
Pan Goatee Makes The Calgary Evening News
Proposed mural for the Catholic Church’s Synod on Synodality in the Canadian province of Alberta
“Good evening,” the Calgary Evening News anchorman wore an I’ve Been Vaccinated 5 Times Button as his skin peeled off and his hair fell out while reading the news, “A fat ugly blimp, her moronic low IQ boyfriend, a couple of other uglo women and their uglo female progeny were beheaded and cut up into 999 trillion pieces each in a southeast Calgary Dollar store tonight. Authorities strongly suspect world famous genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee was involved as beheading uglos and morons and cutting them up into 999 trillion pieces each is generally his signature modus operandi. Another fat ugly blimp was beheaded and cut up into 999 trillion pieces while waiting to cross the street to get to a Dollar store at another location. Authorities suspect Pan Goatee was involved in that beheading and dismemberment as well.”
The anchorman stopped to put his right eyeball back in its socket after it had popped out.
The anchorman continued, “Tomorrow the 2022 Calgary Stampede will come to an end with a Drag Queen Pancake Breakfast and Sing-A-Long. Among the Drag Queens performing will be Ms. Karla Marx a Communist drag queen. The Calgary Stampede has certainly come a long way since its inception over 100 years ago. Once strictly for white heterosexual pronoun fascist male misogynistic cowboys (to quote our beloved Prime Minister Justin Trudeau), today it is a rainbow display of unity in diversity.
And speaking of unity in diversity, here is the award winning mural for the Synod On Synodality to be hosted by the Roman Catholic ArchDiocese of Edmonton, the Diocese of Calgary and the Diocese of Saint Paul in Alberta.”
“It was designed by Ms. Gaius Femalus Undefinedus Transgenderus,” the anchorman added.
. . .
Jorge Mario Bergoglio (aka Pope Francis) was meeting with an aide to discuss his upcoming trip to the Canadian province of Alberta.
“Unholy Father,” his aide said, “an entity that’s a demon buffalo head would like to meet you to discuss interfaith dialogue.”
“And where should I meet him?” Bergoglio wanted to know, “At the site of a former residential school where I’ll be saying “I’m sorry” to First Nations peoples, at Sacre-Coeur Church in Edmonton where I’ll be saying “I’m sorry” to First Nations peoples or at the Lac St. Anne pilgrimage where I’ll be saying “I’m sorry” to First Nations peoples?”.
“That’s a good question,” his aide answered, “I’ll ask my Reiki massage therapist and tarot card reader who’s been acting as a medium channel for him.”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday July 16th
2022.
100th Anniversary of Antonio Gramsci Founding The Italian Communist Party, Biden-Trotsky Meeting and A Night During The Spanish Civil War
Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was on his waterproof tablet and was researching the life of Italian Communist Party founder and theoretician Antonio Gramsci.
Tomorrow January 22nd 2021 would be Antonio Gramsci’s 130th birthday (his having been born on January 22nd 1891).
Today January 21st 2021 was the 100th anniversary of Antonio Gramsci founding the Communist Party of Italy.
Antonio Gramsci had founded the Communist Party of Italy on January 21st 1921 in the town of Livorno Italy on Tuscany’s western coast.
Gramsci’s advice of note to Communists was to seize control of the culture of a society.
For Gramsci’s dictum (that he had borrowed from the 13th Century philosopher Thomas Aquinas) was whoever controlled the culture of a society eventually controlled that society.
50 years ago, Hollywood fell under the influence of those with a Marxist-Leninist viewpoint.
40 years ago, it was most of the major news media outlets.
10 years ago, it was the social media tech giants.
And now exactly 100 years after Antonio Gramsci had founded the Communist Party of Italy, the United States of America was governed by a Communist Administration: the Biden-Harris Administration.
. . .
Joe Biden was having a meeting with his foreign born chief of the Chiefs of Armed Services staff- the vampire Lev Tomi (who in his mortal life had been Leon Trotsky the founder of the Soviet Red Army).
Said Tomi/Trotsky, “Comrade President, I regret to inform you that an hour ago former CIA Director John Brennan had a rotten rhubarb cream pie thrown in his face by an invisible entity.”
“Who keeps on throwing these cream pies into the faces of good Communists everywhere?” Biden asked as he smelled the prickly pricks on his cannabis pot smoking cactus plant Sweet Dementia.
“That’s what I intend to find out, Comrade President,” Tomi/Trotsky answered.
. . .
On January 21st 1937, anti-Communist Johana Solana walked the streets of Madrid.
She was seeking out a Communist whore who plied her trade screwing Stalinist Republicans in one of Madrid’s best hotels.
It had recently come to Johana’s attention that the Communist whore had called British journalist Eric Blair (future novelist George Orwell) “a pussy who took too many baths” because Blair had recently expressed doubts about Stalin’s leadership.
Johana entered the hotel and after crushing a gingerbread house of candied hearts (located on a lobby table) under the spiked stiletto of one of her high-heeled shoes, she went up to the Communist whore’s room.
She then entered the Communist whore’s hotel room and then bed room.
She then fired all 6 bullets from her gun into the Communist whore’s face.
A Franco operative joined Johana and handed her his machine gun.
She emptied an entire round of bullets into the Communist whore’s body and limbs.
The Franco operative’s pet wild wolf then came and ate the Communist whore’s stomach, intestines and ovaries.
It then went outside and barfed into the street.
A goat who saw the wolf’s vomiting barfed as well.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday January 21st
2021.
Return To Field of Dreams
Return To Field of Dreams
Marcus Shimbiro had a dream
When as an 8-year-old boyÂ
he left his native Kenya
For the U.S.
He wanted to become a baseball player somedayÂ
He did excel at sports and particularly at baseballÂ
In high school, he was hitting home runsÂ
The same way he downed ice cream cones
with a vengeanceÂ
But then came that fateful dayÂ
He fell off his neighbour’s roofÂ
While helping him paint it
And broke his arm and his legÂ
His arm and leg eventually healed of courseÂ
But he was not the same player ever again
He could no longer run
Or hit a home run.
Angry and bitter a few weeks before graduation
He borrowed a friend’s car and headed for Iowa
Why Iowa?
Because it was the home state of the Field of Dreams
That famous 1989 sports fantasy movie with Kevin Costner and James Earl Jones
About the Iowa corn farmer who plows part of his corn fieldÂ
To build a baseball field
A field on which Shoeless Joe JacksonÂ
And 7 other famous 1919 Chicago Black Sox players play
On that field in which Shoeless Joe and 7 others played
Was a player named Archibald “Moonlight” Graham
Who played one game for the New York Giants in 1905Â
but never had a turn at bat
Corn farmer Ray Kinsella (Costner)Â
and author/writer Terrence Mann (Jones) drive to MinnesotaÂ
Where they learn that Graham was a physician who had died years earlier
During a late night walk, Ray finds himself transported back to 1972
Where he encounters the elderly Graham (Burt Lancaster) who says he left baseball for a satisfying medical career
During the drive back to Iowa,
Ray picks up a young hitchhiker who introduces himself as Archie Graham
and says he wants to be a baseball playerÂ
Eventually, Graham gets the chance to play baseball with Shoeless Joe and other baseball greats in the Field of Dreams
But at a critical point in the game, Graham leaves the field of dreamsÂ
To administer emergency medical aidÂ
Graham makes his choiceÂ
To be a doctor after all.
And now Marcus Shimbiro torn with rage at having his dreams dashedÂ
Was trying to find this Field of Dreams of film-lore
To play baseballÂ
Or at least find out what he was to do with his lifeÂ
It was nighttimeÂ
and as he drove by a corn field
He was shocked to see baseball players playing ball in the fieldÂ
He pulled in
And sat with the other spectatorsÂ
And watched the greats of baseball play the gameÂ
Shoeless Joe Jackson, Babe Ruth, Lou Gehrig, Mickey Mantle, Joe DiMaggio and many others
He was shocked to discover Dr. Archibald Graham sitting next to himÂ
offering him a hot dog and a coke
“Too bad about your fall, Marcus,” Graham remarked as he ate his own hot dog.
“It is,” Marcus frowned, “it’s not as if I could be a doctor like you not having baseball to fall back on.”
“Who says you can’t be a doctor?” Graham looked at him.
“I don’t have the marks or the aptitude for it,” Marcus answered.
“But you are good at observation and analysis and above all, perseverance, you may not get flying colours right away but with your observation and analysis and perseverance, you might spot something others have missed and that might make all the difference in the world someday,” Dr. Graham noted, “Ever hear the fable of the tortoise and the hare? The tortoise won the race in the end.”
“But that’s just a fable and a fairy tale,” Marcus pointed out, “That doesn’t happen in the real world. Most of the time, it’s the hare that wins and not the tortoise.”
“Most of the time that’s true, Marcus,” Graham agreed, “But often it’s at the most critical junctions in the world and in history that the tortoise wins the race. And at such times, the hare is usually not a foe but a friend. And it usually turns out to be one race where the hare was happy to see the tortoise win.”
Marcus looked at Graham.
He wasn’t quite sure what Graham meant by those words but somehow deep down inside himself, he felt they were important.
“So, do you think I should go into medicine?” Marcus asked.
“I do, Marcus, I do,” the elderly doctor patted him on the shoulder.
And seconds later, Dr. Graham, the players, the spectators and the baseball field were gone.
And all that was left…
… Was an empty corn field.
Marcus Shimbiro went into science and into medicine.
He didn’t always get the best marks.
But he studied hard and learned from his mistakes.
And developed a profound sense of analysis and insight.
He didn’t think he was good enough to treat patients but he went into research.
Using his memory and his insight and analysis in that line of work.
And then one day in the year 2020,Â
analyzing data and keeping track of things he and his numerous colleagues all over the world were doing,
Dr. Marcus Shimbiro discovered…
…. the vaccine for the Covid-19 Coronavirus.
We can all dream, can’t we?
And hope… is the knowledge that sometimes dreams can become reality.
-A narrative poem written by Christopher
Wednesday April 8th 2020.
The Black Hand, Gnostic God Abraxas, Thanatotheristes, Teilhard and Tezcatlipoca
The Black Hand, Gnostic God Abraxas, Thanatotheristes, Teilhard and TezcatlipocaÂ
Sexual predatory Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein was showering by himself in a shower at the Wende Correctional Facility near Buffalo, New York.
He suddenly dropped the soap.
He bent over to pick it up.
An 8 foot tall giant mammalian bat with the head of a Thanatotheristes (the name meant Reaper of Death in Greek and referred to a new species of T-Rex that had been discovered 10 years ago in the Western Canadian province of Alberta) pulled out his phallus (which was a living cobra snake) from the pants of the extra tall extra large sized waterproof Armani suit he was wearing and sodomized Weinstein in the rear end as he was bending over.
“Where the Hell did you come from?” Asked a surprised Weinstein.
“From Hell,” the strange hybrid answered, “I’m the demon of the Covid-19 Coronavirus.”
“That’s Chinese virus,” a small hybrid creature who was part weasel and part worm and who was a staunch Donald Trump supporter remarked as he crawled across the prison shower room floor.
The weasel worm hybrid was crushed by the bat body Thanatotheristes headed cobra phallic Covid-19 Coronavirus demon.
Later the news media reported that Weinstein had come down with the Coronavirus.
. . .
Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was looking into his pot smoking late Victorian/early Edwardian antique mirror when suddenly the image of Tezcatlipoca the Aztec god of smoking mirrors appeared to him.
Spoke Tezcatlipoca, “Tomorrow as you bring forth emergency legislation to deal with the financial and economic fallout from the Coronavirus crisis, I want you to include Emergency Financial Powers Legislation that will give your Finance Minister Bill Morneau power to govern the economy by dictatorial fiat – raise taxes, lower taxes, get rid of old taxes, bring in new taxes- without needing the approval of the Canadian Parliament beforehand. Grant him this power until December 2021.”
“Why should I do that?” Inquired a stunned Justin.
“Just do it,”” Tezcatlipoca blew great plumes of smoke as he blew his top.
“All right,” answered Justin meekly.
. . .
The disembodied head of the Jesuit priest Pierre Teilhard de Chardin (who had flames of fire emerging from the silver gray locks of hair on his head) was writing a poem on the walls of a subway station in Moscow, Russia.
The poem was being written for him by a severed hand that had been burnt charcoal black.
The severed hand dubbed the Black Hand had once belonged to the Norse god Tyr but had been bitten off by the fierce Norse wolf Fenrir when Tyr bound him.
The hand had been burnt a charcoal black after the Battle of Kosovo had been fought between the Serbian Prince Lazar and the Ottoman Turks on June 15th 1389 when a group of surviving warriors had tried to cook dinner for themselves.
The hand in the fire, after it had been burnt a charcoal black, crawled away.
Teilhard directed the Black Hand to write to the Coronavirus,
“Oh, what a beautiful virus you are, you are,
What a beautiful virus you are,
Thou art the Alpha Point,
The virus that attacked the first one-celled organism starting the whole process of Darwinian evolution,
And it turns out, thou art the Omega Point as wellÂ
The total sum of Christ ConsciousnessÂ
Bringing forth Pachamama’s revenge upon humanity.
Amen.”
When the moving finger of the Black Hand wrote and the eyes of disembodied head Teilhard wept tears of joy, the Jesuit’s mouth cackled in laughter.
Seconds later, a cream pie with Holy Water in it was thrown in his face.
A group of Harvey Wallbanger drinking Moscow policemen swore to their superiors afterwards that a 6 foot 8 tall bunny rabbit with big pink floppety ears had done it.
. . .
Israel’s Health Minister Yaakov Litzman, when recently asked about the Coronavirus in Israel, had replied that Moshiach (the Jewish Messiah) would arrive before Passover this year and save the entire world.
Passover this year begins on Wednesday April 8th.
Meanwhile the ancient Gnostic god Abraxas (who had the head of a rooster, the arms and torso of a man, and whose legs were two slithering serpents) had appeared to Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and asked him to grant the recently formed Israeli Sanhedrin permission to sacrifice a paschal lamb at an altar on the Temple Mount on Passover for the first time in 2000 years.
-A vampire novel chapterÂ
written by Christopher
Monday March 23rd
2020.
Great Caesar’s Ghost and Not So Great Josef Stalin’s Ghost On The Ides of March
Great Caesar’s Ghost and Not So Great Josef Stalin’s Ghost On The Ides of March
The Norse trickster god Loki was up to his old tricks again.
He had arranged for the ghosts of Julius Caesar, Brutus and Cassius to be released from Hades and stand on the steps of the U.S. Capitol in Washington DC not far from the entrance to the U.S. Senate to re-enact the assassination of Julius Caesar for this Ides of March in 2020.
Donald Trump was in his limousine, on his way back to the White House from his toupee maker in DC, being driven by the steps of the U.S. Capitol when he saw the ghostly re-enactment of Caesar’s assassination.
“Okayyyyy,” was the Donald’s profoundly stupid statement.
The same statement he made when his Oval Office address on the Coronavirus was finished and he didn’t realize the cameras were still rolling.
. . .
Josef Stalin’s ghost had been continuously roasting away on his barbecue spit down in Tartarus ever since he kicked the bucket back in 1953.
However Loki convinced the Greek underworld god Hades to give Stalin a temporary dispensational release from Tartarus for about an hour or two.
Acting like the ghost of Christmas Present escorting Scrooge over London, Loki took Stalin to the U.S. where he took him to a COSTCO store parking lot and showed the late Soviet Communist Party General-Secretary the multitudinously vast long line ups of people waiting to get into the store.
Next he teleported Stalin to the toilet paper aisles of the COSTCO where there was absolutely nothing on the shelves.
“Wow,” Stalin was impressed, “Long line ups of people waiting to get into the store and then once inside, there’s nothing on the shelves for them to buy.”
Stalin looked at Loki with tears in his eyes, “It’s just like the old Soviet Union.”
He grabbed a roll of toilet paper that had apparently rolled under a bottom shelf invisible to mortals and tried to wipe his teary eyes.
“Soviet style Socialism has finally triumphed in America,” Stalin smiled.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday March 15th
2020.
Waiting By The Sea
Waiting By The Sea
Waiting by the sea
waits she
The time has come
The seagulls call
She approaches the ocean’s thrall
By the waves she hears the sirens’ callÂ
The sirens call for the oneÂ
whose heart is a match for hers
Bareback on horse she rode without spurs
Wild and free was she
Wild and free like the sea
For most, inclining one’s heart can lead to captivityÂ
But not for she
She whose heart is like the sea
The sirens know who to callÂ
The one who will just accept her for being she
She whose heart was wild and free
And pulsates like the rising sea.
-A poem written by Christopher
Saturday February 1st
2020
Pan Goatee, Krampus and The Demon Buffalo Headed Metal Rat
Pan Goatee, Krampus and The Demon Buffalo Headed Metal Rat
The genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee was at a nearby shopping centre.
He had just finished buying several cans of Diet Coca-Cola from the Dollar Store so he could feed his caffeine addiction.
Outside the dollar store, he noticed an ugly looking woman with her stupid looking boyfriend so he beheaded both of them and cut both of them up into 999 trillion pieces each.
Rats soon arrived on the scene and ate the very recently departed pair.
A rodent patrol business operator arrived on the scene and remarked, “Business has never been as brisk as it has been the past week.”
Goatee entered the mall’s food court where another ugly looking woman and her stupid looking boyfriend were leaving the scene of their aesthetic and IQ insulting crimes against humanity.
The satyr quickly beheaded and dismembered them (likewise into 999 trillion pieces each) with his astral laser machete.
A Darth Vader wannabe and pen ultimate Star Wars science-fiction fan (who so far had spent the 1st 35 years of his life living downstairs in his parents’ basement and still didn’t know what a shower was used for) said to himself, “I want to get me one of those” as he looked through the window of the mall’s food court.
Rats likewise came over and ate the aesthetic and IQ challenged deceased couple’s multitudinous remains.
When Goatee went to the Subway sandwich counter, a stupid looking individual stood there at the counter and was taking forever to make up his mind (or whatever little there was of it) to decide what he wanted.
Goatee decided for the individual by beheading him and dismembering him according to the satyr’s OCD pre-ordained numerical ratio.
Goatee then decided to go and make his own sandwich at home.
Rats ate the remains of the mindless loser who had gone totally to pieces at the Subway sandwich counter and then rushed to the nearest washrooms where they tossed their cookies (metaphorically speaking).
On his way out from the mall, Goatee received a phone call from his friend the demon goat Krampus (who held joint Bavarian and Austro-Hungarian citizenship although it did him little good in this global interconnected world since both the kingdom of Bavaria and the Austro-Hungarian Empire no longer existed).
Krampus remarked that within the past 24 hours, he had just developed an allergy to the melody of Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony whenever it was played.
Now, Krampus sighed, he would no longer be able to attend any events where the European Union National Anthem was played.
“What an awful week you’re having, my friend,” Goatee was sympathetic.
. . .
A giant robotic metal rat was being unveiled by Huawei Technologies for this year of the Metal Rat.
As China’s paramount leader Xi Jinping watched the Metal Rat appear, he wondered why it had the head of a demon buffalo.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday January 30th
2020
Dracul Van Helsing 
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