Renfield: Now Is The Time To Destroy The Despotic Desert Kingdom of Saudi Arabia
Renfield: Now Is The Time To Destroy The Despotic Desert Kingdom of Saudi Arabia
British MP Renfield R. Renfield sat watching the television in his parliamentary office.
The woman Australian TV news reporter he was watching was positively bubbling over with glee, “Duchess Meghan and Prince Harry are both having a baby. Isn’t that amazing?”.
“It is amazing,” Renfield had to admit, “I didn’t know men could get pregnant.”
He shut off the TV when the ghosts of Sir Winston Churchill and Orson Welles joined him for cigars and brandy.
Sir Winston Churchill was helping Renfield in planning to depose the tyrannical and fanatical House of Saud from its governance over most of the vast oil rich Arabian Peninsula.
And Orson Welles was listening in because he got the exclusive rights to write the screenplay for the fall of the House of Saud.
Welles had planned for the screenplay to read like a combination of the writing of Edgar Allan Poe in The Fall of The House of Usher (1839) and Nathaniel Hawthorne in The House of The Seven Gables (1851) and the movie would look like it was made by a combination of directors Woody Allen and Roman Polanski in the film and visual techniques.
If anyone could pull that off, it would indeed be the ghost of Orson Welles.
“Well,” Churchill lit a spectral cigar with a spectral match, “I see Franklin Delano Roosevelt’s idiot successor in the Oval Office is saying the murder of dissident Saudi journalist Jamal Khashoggi may have been committed by rogue elements in the Saudi government’s secret service.”
“This shows the hazards of sniffing elementary school kid’s glue while using it as a shampoo to wash the dandruff out of your yellowish gold urine coloured toupee,” Renfield noted.
“Indeed,” Welles nodded in agreement, “I noticed Bozo Trump said that Saudi King Salman said he had no knowledge whatsoever of Jamal Khashoggi’s murder.”
“Well, he would say that, wouldn’t he?” The ghost of a young beautiful looking famous British call girl Christine Keeler remarked as she walked by wearing a 1960s era mini skirt.
All three men’s eyes followed her as she disappeared into a portrait painting of John Profumo who was Secretary of State For War in Prime Minister Harold Macmillan’s Conservative Government of the early 1960s.
“Well,” Churchill was the first one of the three to recover from seeing the ghostly apparition, “I see that the Saudi government after first vigorously denying having murdered Mr. Khashoggi is now admitting they may have accidentally murdered him.”
“I wonder whether they accidentally dismembered his body as well,” Renfield remarked as he watched a British farmer fertilizing his field with a dancing diarrhea ridden bull in a YouTube video.
“Undoubtedly,” Churchill blew smoke.
“This is where I can work some Woody Allen style humour into the dialogue,” Welles smiled.
The ghost of Theban king Oedipus’ wife/ mother Jocasta walked by remarking, “I wonder what name they call my son in graffiti on the walls in New York’s Harlem.”
“I don’t think that line can be worked into this script,” Welles confessed.
Jocasta exited Renfield’s office and walked down the parliamentary halls looking for a portrait painting of Sigmund Freud.
Finally Renfield stood up and striking his best Churchillian pose remarked,
“The time has come, the shapeshifting hamster/human MP said, to talk of many things,
of steamy sex with porn stars and ridding the world of despotic Saudi kings.”
The ghosts of Churchill and Welles applauded in agreement.
Finally Welles raised his spectral glass of brandy in a toast and asked,
“When shall we three meet again,
Over wine, brandy, coffee or tea?”
Christine Keeler’s mini skirted ghost appeared and said, “Why not over me?”.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday October 15th
2018.
Ghost of Theban Queen Jocasta holding her son’s skull 💀 and remarking to the ghost of one of Prince Hamlet’s friends down in Purgatory:
“Alas, poor Oedipus, I knew him well, Horatio.”
Cthulhu Threatens Vengeance On America For Sacred Riana Being Voted Off AGT: A Horror Poem
Cthulhu Threatens Vengeance On America For Sacred Riana Being Voted Off AGT: A Horror Poem
It was the city proud to be oh so happy and gay
not so the creature now dwelling in the Bay
San Francisco felt a shaking
and it wasn’t earthquaking
It was Cthulhu as mad as Hell
but not at Mel B. or Simon Cowell
Howie Mandel was likewise all right
but Heidi Klum got a fright in the night
A tentacle 🐙 grabbed her leg
and it wasn’t Trump taken down a peg
For Cthulhu was in love with the Sacred Riana
like King King showing Fay Wray his big banana
He was expecting his favourite magician to go all the way
not burnt to ashes like a voodoo doll on a hot summer day
For America had voted Riana out
as Heidi complained of leg pain worse than gout
And now America would pay a very high price
and it wouldn’t be tariffs on chicken fried rice 🍚
A creature from the Lovecraftian Mythos
was with the land of the free extremely cross
No need to worry about Putin, Iran or Kim
For America, Cthulhu now has it in
It will drown in blood
like a raging flood
Fake news or not
but tentacles 🦑 of death shall hit the spot
and of making the land great again, it shall all come to not.
-A comic horror poem
written by Christopher
Wednesday August 22nd
2018.
The Sacred Riana is Cthulhu’s queen
She ascended a fiery wall before commercial break scene
She was crawling up to be crowned the Queen of Hell
from the Beast like creature who at the bottom of the sea 🌊 does dwell
Dracul and Qonzilqointec On Feast Day of Saint Pius X
Dracul and Qonzilqointec On Feast Day of Saint Pius X
The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec was waiting for Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing.
She wore a low-cut short skirted red rose 🌹 decorated white mini dress and a pair of spiked stiletto high-heeled sandals 👡 whose colour matched her purse 👜.
As soon as Dracul saw her, he realized right then and there that he’d have to take her right then and there on the spot.
Qonzilqointec was expecting that (in fact she was immensely looking forward to it) and so she hadn’t worn any panties under her dress.
Dracul mounted her and they engaged in several hours of highly orgasmic tantric sex which had a major effect on the Ring of Fire around the Pacific Ocean 🌊.
Coincidentally 69 (yes, 69) major earthquakes hit the Ring of Fire and the area around the Yellowstone super volcano 🌋 was on high alert.
. . .
August 21st was the Feast Day of Pope Saint Pius X.
Pope Francis didn’t really relish celebrating the Feast as Saint Pius X had been a Pope who believed in the existence of Hell (much to Pope Francis’ discomfort).
Nevertheless he said a commemoration Mass today for the sake of appearances.
No telling what Cardinal Raymond Burke and Cardinal Robert Sarah would have said if he hadn’t.
Pope Francis then left the Mass for his meeting to discuss the environment and sustainable development for Earth 🌏 Mother Gaia with Lev Tomi the Secretary of the UN Secretariat On The Environment and Climate Change.
Lev Tomi was a vampire.
In his mortal life he had been the Russian Bolshevik revolutionary Leon Trotsky who had a falling out with Josef Stalin and was expelled from the USSR in February 1929.
It was on this date August 21st back in 1940 that Trotsky had been bitten on the neck and turned into a vampire by the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec in Mexico City.
The bite that changed him from mortal to vampiric immortal happened shorty after midnight 🕛 Mexico City local time on August 21st.
If he hadn’t been turned into a vampire, he would have succumbed to his head wounds from an ice pick attack to the head and died.
The ice pick attack happened on August 20th 1940 in Mexico City and was administered by Spanish-born Stalinist agent Ramon Mercader acting on Stalin’s orders.
Trotsky’s “death” was announced to the world as a way to prevent any further attacks on his person by agents of Josef Stalin (it also saved Stalinist agents the embarrassment of having to carry Crosses and Crucifixes and Holy Water as well as hawthorn wooden stakes on their person in an effort to dispose of Trotsky in his current state).
Trotsky changed his name to Lev Tomi and moved to New York City where he worked as a non-starving artist (since he didn’t have to pay to drink blood- his main diet).
When the United Nations was formed in 1945, he got a job working at the UN in New York and worked his way up to become Secretary of The UN Secretariat On The Environment and Climate Change.
“So,” Pope Francis asked Trotsky aka Tomi, “how shall we bring about a world global government to save Mother Earth 🌏?”.
Tomi aka Trotsky told him.
. . .
One of Israel’s leading Kabbalistic rabbis was giving an address in a synagogue on how various mystical rabbis throughout the centuries had predicted the arrival of an alien 👽 ET saviour from another planet who would be the ultimate blessed hope of the Jewish people.
The Mossad agent who was codenamed the Controller of the Golem sat in the front row of the synagogue 🕍 in a state of shock.
Never before had he heard such utter blasphemy.
His gentile guests the Byzantine vampiress Theodora and Prince Vlad Dracula of Wallachia and Count of Transylvania were likewise shocked 😳 😮 as they sat in the front row.
What was really disturbing the Controller thought to himself was that this same Kabbalistic rabbi (who had just prophesied the advent of an alien 👽 ET saviour from another planet) had numerous gentile disciples in America- most of whom were well-known supposedly “Christian” televangelists.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday August 21st
2018.
Qonzilqointec on an historic date-
in every sense of that word.
Night of The Blood Red Moon
Night of The Blood Red Moon
The Greek Goddess Hera
“Go forth, Hermes,” Hera commanded, “and ask the Pythian sibyl high priestess of Apollo at Delphi what shall be the first sign marking the beginning of the age of sorrows that shall commence in the 2nd Coming of the Holy One born in Bethlehem of Judea.”
Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster woke up screeching in his aquarium when he heard the Pythia’s response to Hermes’ question.
. . .
Dr. Faustus Imhotep the acting head of DARPA shifted on his feet uncomfortably outside the Oval Bathroom 🚽 of the White House as Donald Trump was having a bowel movement inside and firing off the latest DARPA secret weapon – a cruise tweet- at the entire political and military leadership of Iran.
The U.S. leader then checked his incoming tweets.
“What?” The Donald cried, “Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan just told me to go fuck myself because I demanded the release of American pastor Andrew Brunson from one of those sodomite Turkish prisons where the Turkish guards have a field day. I can’t do that to myself. It isn’t long enough for one thing…”
. . .
Dr. Cadbury Rocher was examining the work of Israeli scientist Saul Kullok.
Kullok had been examining the work of British scientist Sir Isaac Newton.
Newton had apparently studied the entire Old Testament in the original Hebrew and in his book The Chronology of Ancient Kingdoms published in 1728 a year after Newton’s death in 1727, Kullok had noticed that Newton had inserted his own detailed drawings of Solomon’s original Temple in Chapter V of the Book.
Newton in the Book claimed that Solomon’s Temple was a building whose dimensions corresponded to the measurements of the cosmos and the building was constructed in an architectural code that precisely detailed the mathematical measurements of the universe.
Dr. Rocher did not know what to think of either Kullok’s or Newton’s work as he turned off his laptop where he had been reading Kullok’s essays.
However Dr. Rocher had used Newton’s detailed drawings of Solomon’s Temple to program his 3-D laser printer to print an exact replica model (on a smaller scale of course) of the original First Temple for the Temple Mount Faithful an organization in Israel seeking to build the Third Temple.
As Dr. Cadbury Rocher was about to leave his office at the Set Enterprises lab as he heard the shrieks of Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster coming from his aquarium, he got a phone call on his smart phone.
It was from his boss the London based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s archenemy the Paris-based billionaire ancient Egyptian Vampiress Isis.
She was phoning to discuss the building of the Third Temple in Jerusalem of all things.
. . .
Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau had just inhaled a whiff of marijuana smoke that was exhaled by Strawberry Fields Forever (which was the name of his genetically created pot smoking cactus 🌵 plant).
As such, Justin to his horror saw the ET gray Gali-Gula that he always saw whenever he inhaled pot smoke.
“So tell me, Gali,” Justin said as he looked up through the glass ceiling of his plant greenhouse for signs of the blood red moon 🌚, “who is your planet Nibiru’s greatest scientist?”.
Justin had been recalling earlier in the day how when Canada’s asshole then Prime Minister Brian Mulroney had announced his retirement, the Israeli government had awarded him the Israeli National Science and Technology Medal.
“Nibiru’s greatest scientist is Pythagogorgosaurus,” Gali-Gula replied.
“Has he recently communicated with earth?” Justin asked as he started to whistle the tune to the old Beatles song Strawberry Fields Forever.
“The last time he communicated with Earth was when he received a laser message from a glowing white globe that was sent into outer space by Donald Trump and Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman,” Gali-Gula answered.
“Really?” Justin answered as he fell face forward into the bush of Alberta Wild Roses inside his greenhouse and started to sing, “Hey Jude, don’t ask me why. Sing a sad song and make it better…”
. . .
The blood red moon over Athens:
Hera to Apollo (as they stood underneath their respective statues): “And so rises the sign foretold by your high priestess…”
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday July 27th
2018.
Games of War and Peace
Games of War and Peace
Iranian Major-General Qassem Soleimani the commander of the Quds Force of Iran’s elite Revolutionary Guards responded to Donald Trump’s all caps tweet of a few days before in which he threatened Iran 🇮🇷.
Said Soleimani, “If you begin the war, we will end the war.”
He added, “We are near you, where you can’t even imagine.”
“What do you suppose Soleimani meant by that?” Amadeus Emanon asked his good friend British MP Renfield R. Renfield.
“There are Iranian soldiers across the border over in Mexico 🇲🇽,” Renfield replied.
“Really?” Amadeus was shocked.
“Yes and they won’t be stopped by any wall,” Renfield broke some bricks with his bare hands in a martial arts manoeuvre.
“Wow,” Amadeus was trying to fathom all this.
“Plus there are also Iranian troops in Venezuela 🇻🇪,” Renfield played the Harry Belafonte song Matilda on his iPhone.
“There are?” Amadeus was again shocked.
“Yes, along with the nuclear weapons that the Iranians hid from the International Atomic Energy Agency inspection teams,” Renfield started playing the James Bond movie theme song For Your Eyes Only on his iPhone.
“Do the U.S. Intelligence agencies know about this?” Amadeus asked.
“Probably not,” Renfield played the Monty Python song How Sweet To Be An Idiot on his accordion, “they’re too busy investigating the possibility that it was Russian interference in the 2016 election that was responsible for the Hillarybeast’s defeat.”
“You don’t think it was?” Amadeus raised an eyebrow.
“No, one thing about the left wing liberal bozos that make up America’s media and cultural elites, they don’t seem to know and understand much history,” Renfield played the theme song from the movie Gone With The Wind on his accordion, “if they did they’d realize that in really troubled economic times (as has existed in America since the global financial crash of 2008 and as existed in Germany in the days of the Weimar Republic), the vast majority of the working class are always going to prefer a populist demagogue that appeals to their fears rather than some spoiled brat stuck-up wealthy condescending liberal elitist who’ll throw a few bread crumb expensive social programs in their direction but really do nothing to alleviate the causes of their economic misery. Hence probably the reason why Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster and I were the only ones to predict a Trump win even while The New York Times, The Washington Post and CNN were touting how far behind in the opinion polls Trump was behind the Hillarybeast.”
The ghost of Orson Welles who was eavesdropping on the conversation agreed with Renfield’s assessment
and commented, “This explains my unpopularity with most of Hollywood’s establishment who were and are liberal Democrats. I was one of the few New Deal liberal Democrats around who actually knew, loved and understood history. Therefore they despised me.”
. . .
Greek Prime Minister Alexis Tsipras was struggling with the aftermath of the Greek wildfires (that were most likely deliberately set) and now massive flooding had hit Greece 🇬🇷.
When Tsipras opened the door of his office, he was startled to see a woman standing there.
The woman was the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith who was sporting a new necklace.
“Good evening, Mr. Tsipras,” she smiled her vampiric incisors at him, “Do come closer and embrace me. A closer look and feel of my new necklace, perhaps?”.
The Vampiress Lilith sporting a new necklace
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday July 26th
2018.
Wedding Crashers and The Third Temple
Wedding Crashers and The Third Temple
Peter Whitstable the Fox Mulder of Interpol was staying in an old English country inn on the hunt for two demonically possessed dogs who were busy terrorizing the English countryside.
He received a phone call from an Interpol operative in Israel 🇮🇱 who had an unusual matter of a paranormal nature to report.
He had seen a wedding being performed on top of the Temple Mount in Jerusalem.
The officiating clergyman at the wedding was recently installed Vatican Cardinal Samhain Salaman (a former professional stage magician).
The groom was Baphomet (the hermaphrodite half-human half-goat entity who was worshiped by some Knights-Templar back in the Middle Ages).
The bride was Panty Goatee the recently genetically cloned twin sister of world famous DARPA contract assassin and satyr serial killer Pan Goatee.
Panty was topless at the wedding but wearing a black scarf around her shoulders that covered both her breasts as well as black leather gloves on her arms and a long red skirt instead of a white wedding dress.
On her head instead of a white bridal veil, she wore a pair of large painted black goat’s horns.
The virginal young clone Panty Goatee had been ordered to marry the Baphomet by Dr. Faustus Imhotep her boss at DARPA.
At the moment when Cardinal Samhain Salaman asked Panty Goatee, “Do you take this hermaphrodite half-man half-goat to be your legal wedded spouse from this night forward…?”.
At that moment a Black Jaguar leapt on the Temple Mount interrupting the ceremony by snarling in a form of ancient Mayan.
Cardinal Salaman felt under his cassock and pulled out a smart phone (much to best man Dr. Faustus Imhotep’s relief).
He then googled for an ancient Mayan language translation app to download but, by then, it was too late.
The Black Jaguar stood up on his hind legs and then grabbed the black scarf, black leather gloves and long red skirt wearing Panty Goatee with his front legs and then carried her off into the night of the Jerusalem dusk.
A shooting star 🌠 fell from the sky over Jerusalem.
. . .
Former U.S. President Bill Clinton was having trouble sleeping.
He decided to go downstairs to the refrigerator and pour himself a glass of milk 🥛.
As he tip toed down the stairs, he noticed his wife Hillary Rodham Clinton (the 2016 Democratic Party Presidential candidate) standing in the dimly lit living room by a black coloured burning candle and dressed in the robes of a Haitian voodoo high priestess. A group of 13 men in gray and black coloured suits, ties and jackets were kneeling on the floor in front of her paying her obeisance.
Bill very stealthily tip toed into the kitchen, quietly opened the refrigerator door and instead of a glass of milk he grabbed himself a can of Budweiser beer and equally stealthily tip toed back upstairs and into his bedroom where he quietly closed the door.
As quietly as possible, he tried to open the can, then put the beer to his lips and wondered what the Hell was going on?
. . .
Amadeus Emanon heard the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set’s antique phone ring in the kitchen of the colossal West London mansion.
He picked it up.
It was his good friend British MP Renfield R. Renfield calling.
Renfield was still up in Oxford.
“I’ll be in Oxford a few more days,” Renfield said as he splashed around in a hot tub with several hot looking young female Oxford summer student coeds.
“Say, I was going to ask you, why the Hell do you suppose Donald Trump invited Vladimir Putin to Washington DC this fall?” Amadeus queried.
“Well,” Renfield smiled as one of the coeds licked his kosher sausage, “the man is either fully clinically insane or if there’s method to his madness, the Jared Kushner Middle East peace plan is definitely a go and Trump would most definitely need Vladimir Putin’s backing for the plan to go ahead.”
Amadeus watched on the kitchen television as Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu officially declared Israel “the nation-state of the Jewish people” after winning a vote to do so in the Israeli Knesset.
“What do you think is going to happen next in the Middle East?” Amadeus asked.
“Well,” Renfield watched the Netanyahu announcement on the BBC News App on the Samsung Galaxy S8 smart phone located in the bikini between one coed’s two breasts, “we’ve got the U.S. Embassy now in Jerusalem, we have just had Netanyahu proclaim Israel the Nation-State (it was just State before) of the Jewish people and next on the agenda I suspect is the building of the Third Jewish Temple on the Temple Mount.”
“But won’t the Arabs object to that?” Amadeus was incredulous.
“Not necessarily,” Renfield remarked as a text message from Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman came in on his smart phone.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday July 19th
2018.
Italian Freemasonic Grandmaster Says Pope Francis Is Prototype of Enlightened Despot of The World
Italian Freemasonic Grandmaster Says Pope Francis Is Prototype of Enlightened Despot of The World
Peter Whitstable the man they call the Fox Mulder of Interpol was staring in disbelief at the two pieces of information he held in his hands.
One was an interview that the Italian Freemasonic Grandmaster Giuliano Di Bernardo had given to the Italian newspaper Libero.
Giuliano Di Bernardo was Grand Master of the Grand Orient of Italy from 1990 to 1993 and later the founder and first grandmaster of the Grand Lodge of Italy from 1993 until 2001.
In interviews, Di Bernardo said that “global society cannot be governed democratically but only through a community of Wise Men who embody the One – the Enlightened Tyrant”.
Libero asked Di Bernardo, “What is your prototype of an enlightened tyrant?”.
Di Bernardo replied, “If I really should name one, I would say, Pope Francis.”
The other bit of information that Peter Whitstable held in his hand was a letter he had received from a Catholic priest in France who was the pastor of a small rural parish.
The priest said that Jorge Mario Bergoglio (aka Pope Francis) concerned about the huge number of cardinals, bishops and priests who objected to his papal policies (his papal policies that generally consisted of rejecting the doctrines that had been believed in and taught by the Church for the past 2000 years) was going to enact and demand a personal oath of loyalty and fealty by every cardinal, bishop, priest and deacon to himself personally Jorge Mario Bergoglio or otherwise be excommunicated from the Catholic Church.
Peter Whitstable in his mind could hear Robin the Boy Wonder say to his fellow Caped Crusader, “Unholy Trinity, Batman. Can you say False Prophet and Antichrist?”.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday June 28th
2018.
Allatallahbel and The Baptist Painting and Pan Goatee
Allatallahbel and The Baptist Painting and Pan Goatee
Allatallahbel the Vampiress Priestess of Baal and her army of 12 Vampiric Knights-Templar were in North America.
They were here to steal a previously unknown Leonardo Da Vinci painting that was in a private art collection.
The painting was of a shocking subject- Saint John the Baptist encountering the Greek goddess Aphrodite by the River Jordan.
Although the event was not mentioned in the New Testament, it was mentioned in an ancient copy of an Epistle written by Polycarp the Bishop of Smyrna that Allatallahbel found in the Vatican Archives and that had never been released or published by the Vatican.
Shortly after finding the Polycarp manuscript, Allatallahbel was eating a live parrot called Polly and a live carp (goldfish) called Goldie when she received a text message from one of her disciples – a book editor with a major New York City publishing company.
The editor was in possession of a yet to be published Dan Brown manuscript.
In the manuscript, Robert Langdon is called in to examine a previously unknown Leonardo Da Vinci painting in which Saint John the Baptist meets the Greek goddess Aphrodite by the River Jordan.
Apparently according to the Brown manuscript, the painting is in the private collection of a western Canadian rancher and cattle baron.
Brown said in the book that the incident of the meeting between the Baptist and Aphrodite is mentioned in an unpublished ancient manuscript of an Epistle of Polycarp the Bishop of Smyrna.
Allatallahbel wet her panties when she read the text message.
Then she remembered that she wasn’t wearing any panties.
She immediately took off the silver evening dress she was wearing (which now had gold coloured stains all over the front) and called for her valet Parsifal to take her dress to the nearest Chinese laundromat in Rome and get it cleaned.
She then sat there in her chair naked and contemplated the night sky from the window of her Vatican penthouse apartment.
She and the Vampiric Knights-Templar had seized control of the Vatican on October 13th of last year.
Priests entered the room to remove the parrot feathers and goldfish scales left on her plate.
They were undisturbed by the sight of Allatallahbel’s nudity as almost all the priests who worked here in the papal apartments under Pope Francis were gay.
Allatallahbel picked up her smart phone and called the book editor.
The book editor was shocked to hear that the Polycarp manuscript really did exist.
As Polly and the carp waged war in Allatallahbel’s stomach, the Vampiress Priestess of Baal mentioned that in all likelihood the Da Vinci painting existed as well.
She asked what was it in Brown’s manuscript that Robert Langdon had been asked to look for in the Da Vinci painting of the Baptist meeting Venus.
The editor replied that the painting contained clues to the whereabouts of Solomon’s hidden treasure.
Allatallahbel wet her panties again.
Then she remembered that she wasn’t wearing panties or even a dress for that matter.
She stood up and rang the bell 🛎 calling for one of the priest papal secretaries.
“Father Antonio, I think you better take this Alexander VI Rodrigo Borgia Renaissance upholstered chair down to Vatican maintenance and get it steam cleaned,” Allatallahbel directed.
“Very well, your priestlyness,” Father Antonio bowed.
Allatallahbel pulled up an old 1930s handcrafted arm chair for Benito Mussolini and sat down.
“I hope this doesn’t give me splinters,” Allatallahbel thought to herself as she sat down, “My buttocks are very sensitive.”
She asked the book editor to check into the whereabouts of this rancher’s private art collection and see if it actually existed.
This past May 17th, Allatallahbel got a call from the editor.
The Da Vinci painting formally entitled The Baptist Meets Venus did exist, the Western Canadian rancher existed as did his private art collection which contained the painting.
Allatallahbel wet her panties again on hearing this news but fortunately she was wearing panties this time.
A quick blow with her hair dryer should remove the wet stain on the front of her scarlet coloured evening dress that she’d be wearing while holding the gold plated and diamond and ruby and gem studded Renaissance Medici Communion chalice at Mass this evening.
. . .
Baphomet as he picked his nose at the King David Hotel in Jerusalem was quite pleased to hear that Allatallahbel had managed to track down the location of the Da Vinci Baptist Meets Venus painting.
Soon he’d learn the location of Solomon’s hidden treasure.
He ate some goat’s cheese as he stroked his large female breasts and fondled his male phallus.
. . .
Allatallahbel and the 12 Knights-Templar were in the largest city closest to the cattle rancher’s cattle ranch.
Apparently the rancher kept his private art collection not at his ranch house (where the cow hands were always setting fire 🔥 to the place as they drank whiskey and beer and toasted marshmallows and ate pork and beans and broke wind as they could not keep quiet 🤫 their gastronomic symphony) but in his maternal grandmother’s small inconspicuous looking house in the city.
Allatallahbel had gone to see the Vatican’s resident astrologer, spiritist medium and seer Cassandra Sibylline to get her horoscope done and find out what would be the most opportune date for her to steal the painting.
According to Cassandra Sibylline, the best date astrologically speaking was June 26th of this year – 5 days after the summer solstice and 2 days after the Feast of the Nativity of Saint John the Baptist (which was also International Fairy Day because it was also the Nativity of Puck Robin Goodfellow).
The seer and astrologer told Allatallahbel to have 13 people in the party of thieves.
That was no problem said the Vampiress Priestess of Baal.
She’d take all 12 of her Vampiric Knights-Templar with her.
She should also bring along half a goat as well said the seer-astrologer.
“Half a goat?” Allatallahbel was shocked.
Cassandra Sibylline nodded yes.
At first Allatallahbel was going to raid a nearby goat farm and cut up half a goat 🐐 to take along on the thieving expedition.
But then she had heard about the DARPA contract assassin and satyr serial killer Pan Goatee who was a genetically created satyr half-man and half-goat.
She’d bring him along on the mission.
Coincidentally Pan Goatee had recently assassinated the cattle rancher (who owned the Da Vinci painting) on orders of DARPA and the U.S. government.
So he was ideal.
Pan Goatee was to be picked up at his hotel while waiting for the thieving 13 to arrive.
Pan decided to take in the city’s transit system.
Big mistake.
He waited 45 minutes for his bus to arrive.
When they showed up, it was a student driver with two transit trainer officers with him.
Pan promptly beheaded all 3 carving the letter F into the student driver’s forehead.
A transit driver off work and sitting at the back then took over driving the bus.
At the next stop a whole bunch of people including an ugly looking woman got on.
Pan promptly beheaded the ugly looking woman and got off the bus.
He decided to go to McDonald’s and have a Big Mac.
He was then almost run over by an ugly looking girl riding a bike.
Pan Goatee promptly beheaded the girl and cut her up into tiny little pieces.
He then threw the bike into a trash bin and using nanites to pick up the small pieces of the ugly girl, he directed the grey goo spewing nanobots (that Prince Charles had once warned the world about in a speech years ago) to enter a pizza 🍕 take out and delivery place in the nearby mall and to deposit the pieces on the Vegan Vegetarian Pizza 🍕 Special of the day.
Pan Goatee then walked across the street to catch another bus.
There was a fat ugly blimp standing at the bus stop likewise waiting for a bus.
Pan Goatee promptly beheaded her saying, “Why can’t you fat ugly cows stay in the barn where you belong? Your milk is probably full of botulism causing bacteria anyways.”
Goatee then caught a bus on the other side of the street.
Returning to his hotel, he went into the hotel bar to have a drink only to discover that the bartender was an ugly looking woman.
He promptly beheaded her and put the head on top of a Harley-Davidson parked outside.
Finally Allatallahbel and her Knights-Templar arrived.
They immediately drove the van to the rancher’s grandmother’s house to pick up the painting.
After waterboarding the rancher’s grandmother in the basement, the elderly woman finally told Allatallahbel where the painting was located.
They then walked outside where they discovered the van had been stolen by one of the city’s numerous auto theft gangs.
They were forced to catch a transit bus.
However when an ugly looking woman got on the bus and Pan Goatee beheaded her, the bus driver kicked the whole lot of them off the bus.
They were then forced to wait for the next bus.
Allatallahbel was worried about getting to the airport on time to catch the plane ✈️.
As the next bus pulled up, a man in a wheelchair attempted to get off.
Because he was taking so long to get off the bus, Allatallahbel who was busy looking at the Rolex on her wrist immediately grabbed Pan Goatee’s astral laser machete and cut the man up into tiny pieces.
The bus driver who was also running behind schedule allowed the band of thieves to get on the bus.
When an ugly looking school girl attempted to get off at the back of the bus, Pan Goatee likewise beheaded her.
“You’ve got to start when they’re young as the teachers in the Jesuit order always used to say,” Pan Goatee smiled a knowing smile to Allatallahbel.
Just then, Pan Goatee got a text message on his smart phone from Dr. Faustus Imhotep the acting head of DARPA that orders had come down from the very top of the U.S. government for the satyr contract assassin to assassinate the entire Board of Directors of Harley Davidson.
“Duty calls,” Goatee again smiled at Allatallahbel and then dialled the number cancelling his hotel room for the night and booking a plane flight to Milwaukee Wisconsin.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday June 26th
2018.
Miranda- Mermaid Turned Human
Miranda- Mermaid Turned Human
The Controller of The Golem was deep in thought.
Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan had won both yesterday’s Presidential and Parliamentary elections.
Now Erdogan would head an Executive Presidency with virtually no limits on his powers (much like Xi Jinping recently achieved in the People’s Republic of China 🇨🇳 and Donald Trump hoped that someday, His Divine Self willing, would be able to achieve in the United States of America 🇺🇸).
What this meant for the future was that someday the entire Middle East might be under the rule of a revived Ottoman Empire with Erdogan as the omnipotent Sultan of Constantinople and Caliph of the Global Islamic Caliphate.
“It doesn’t bode too well for Central and Eastern Europe either,” remarked Prince Vlad Dracula of the situation where the nations of Central and Eastern Europe had been ruled by the Turks for centuries.
“If only General Belisarius were alive today to kick Erdogan’s ass,” the Byzantine vampiress Theodora remarked about her late husband Justinian’s general who reconquered much of the Western Roman Empire for Byzantine Constantinople.
“What will this portend for the future?” The Controller whose real first name was Nathan sighed.
The trio who were standing in a public park in Istanbul suddenly heard a soft feminine voice say, “It portends danger.”
The trio turned to look at the voice and this vision greeted them:
The Controller of The Golem recognized her as Miranda the mermaid.
Only now she had become human.
The reason being that Miranda had recently swum down the Thames River towards the Set Enterprises laboratory at Canary Wharf.
There she sang for Dr. Cadbury Rocher to come out to her.
Attracted by the lovely singing voice, Dr. Cadbury Rocher came out to see who it was.
Amadeus Emanon and Renfield R. Renfield followed.
Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster likewise crawled out of his aquarium and outside to see who the lovely siren was with the voice of a nightingale singing at Canary Wharf.
Miranda asked Dr. Rocher to invent for her a potion which when she drank it would turn her temporarily fully human.
Dr. Rocher went inside his laboratory and came back half an hour later with the potion.
Just in time to stop Miranda from strangling Renfield with her fish tail as the British MP was serenading her with his own paraphrased version of those old Crystal Gayle lyrics, “… when I dream, I dream of you, maybe someday my dreams will come true”.
Miranda drank the potion and turned human much to Renfield’s relief and much to Michelangelo’s disappointment (as he covered his lobster ears with his claws and telepathically hummed the song It’s A Long Way To Tipperary to drown out the sound of Renfield’s singing).
“What is happening, Miranda?” Nathan asked his mermaid turned human friend.
“Atargatis has landed on the beaches of Tel Aviv with her harpoon carrying mermaid warrioresses ready to launch an all out assault on the land of Israel 🇮🇱,” said Miranda.
Meanwhile on the beaches of Tel Aviv, the ghost of Orson Welles stood in the sand and directed a ghostly film crew of ghostly cameramen and ghostly technicians to film the invasion.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday June 25th
2018.
