Renfield and Jane Austen

July 18, 2017 at 3:01 pm (books, Celebrities, History, Literature, News, Vampire novel) (, , , )

British Transhumanist MP Renfield R. Renfield returned to his home- the colossal London mansion of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.

At the door, he was greeted by Set’s personal valet and butler Athelstan.

“You’re wearing more black than usual today, Athelstan,” Renfield noted, “Is there something wrong?”.

“Begging your pardon today, sir,” Athelstan answered, “but I’m in mourning.”

“Did your mother die after being killed in a bar room brawl arguing over who’s the best premier league football player in all England?” Renfield asked.

“No, sir,” Athelstan shook his head, “but I do worry about that happening, I must admit. Every time I see her, I keep telling her, Mother, you’re going to have to stop drinking and getting into violent arguments about British, European and FIFA World Football at the same time. Having to bail you out of jail all the time is starting to affect my savings to say nothing of my worrying about you being killed in one of these silly arguments.”

“If it’s not your mother,” Renfield inquired, “who is it that you’re in mourning for?”.

“It was 200 years ago today, sir, on July 18th 1817 that the great British novelist Jane Austen died,” Athelstan looked sad, “I’m in mourning for her.”

“Did you personally know her, Athelstan?” Renfield opened up a bottle of Brown Ale.

“No, sir, I’m not a vampire, I’m a mortal 50 years old,” Athelstan replied, “but I do love her work.”

“Didn’t Dracul Van Helsing once play Mr. Darcy in an amateur drama company’s live theatrical production of Pride and Prejudice in his home town in Alberta, Canada?” Renfield asked.

“I believe he did, sir,” Athelstan nodded.

“Well, carry on then, Athelstan,” Renfield looked at his watch, “and do let me know when it’s the 200th Anniversary of Charles Dickens’ death.”

“I will, sir,” Athelstan took Renfield’s hat and cane and now empty bottle of Brown Ale.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday June 18th
2017.

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Renfield’s Dream of Hercule Poirot

May 4, 2017 at 4:12 pm (Arts, books, Detective story, Literature, Movies, Mystery, Politics, Vampire novel) (, , , , )

Renfield R. Renfield was lying in his bed in the John Milton Blue Room (where John Milton and his daughter Anne once stayed) in a Bed and Breakfast in the town of Tewkesbury in Gloucestershire, England.

Renfield was running as a British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti Bio-Conservative Party candidate in the constituency of Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds.

He was running against sitting incumbent British Conservative MP Agathor Christie (who was a great nephew by marriage of the famous British mystery writer Agatha Christie).

Renfield would soon be involved in a campaign debate against Mr. Agathor Christie.

As such, Renfield fell asleep dreaming about Agatha Christie’s famous Belgian detective sleuth character Hercule Poirot.

Hercule Poirot was staying in a huge mansion on a large English country estate.

Hercule and 24 other guests were enjoying a huge dinner party (Monsieur Poirot would have given Renfield’s friend Amadeus Emanon a run for his money about who was able to eat the most).

After the dinner, most of the other guests had retired to their rooms for this evening.

Hercule himself was in the drawing room enjoying a cigar and a glass of port.

Suddenly a gunshot was heard coming from upstairs.

Followed by a woman’s scream.

The butler entered the drawing room, “Sorry to disturb, sir, but it appears that His Lordship has been murdered.”

“Damn,” Poirot remarked.

He was really starting to enjoy his port and his cigar and the comfort of his easy chair.

Reluctantly the Belgian detective made his way upstairs to the crime scene.

“Wait,” Monsieur Poirot in his thick francophonic sounding Belgian accent instructed the guests as he entered the room, “please, touch nothing.”

Hercule Poirot
“Wait, please touch nothing.”

It was a little late for such instructions.

One guest was already examining the murder victim’s head. Another was holding and examining the victim’s right arm. Guest #3 was holding and examining the victim’s left arm. Guest #4 was holding and examining the victim’s right leg. Guest #5 was examining and holding the victim’s left leg. Guest #6 (whom ladies at the dinner party referred to as “the trollop in the little red dress”) was undoing the victim’s zipper on his pants with her mouth.

Guest #7 had picked up and examined the revolver lying on the floor. Guest #8 had picked up and examined the bloodied knife lying on the coffee table. The French maid was examining the open bottle of pills on the bedroom dresser. Guest #9 was examining the open bottle of poison in the medicine cabinet.

Guest #10 had poured himself a glass of water from the pitcher of water on the reading lamp table and promptly keeled over dead after drinking it.

Guest #11 was examining the hangman’s noose hanging from the ceiling. Guest #12 was examining the bloodied chainsaw lying on the bloodied carpet by the desk. Guest #13 was under a ladder trying to retrieve a black cat that was behind the ladder.

Guest #14 was examining a bloodied samurai sword on the desk. Guest #15 was examining a pair of bloodied candlesticks by the fireplace.

And Guests #16 to 23 were examining, handling and imbibing the bottles that were the contents of His Lordship’s private liquor cabinet.

Then Renfield woke up.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday May 4th
2017.

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Enduroman: A Poem

September 6, 2016 at 4:05 pm (books, Comic Books, Culture, Humour, Poetry, Science-Fiction) (, , , , , , )

Enduroman: A Poem

(written for my friend Stephen R. creator of the great comic book hero Enduroman)

Spider-Man and Superman all come to a crawl
and feel like they’ve hit the proverbial brick wall
when they come against the mighty Enduroman
who’s sometimes shirtless to pick up a cosmic tan

His real name is Matt Larson
he’s no axe-wielding Johnny Carson
his feats of strength and endurance will leave you amazed
but you’ll live unlike a Swiss villa at the End of Days

In C.I.O. * Headquarters beneath the Calgary Tower
he was zapped with Neuma Energy’s power
He was a shirtless early riser to the task
he was zapped while the Prof enjoyed a flask
and while Turnbull enjoyed his whisky and gin
Matt’s DNA was altered beyond that of the Man of Sin.

To Prof Turnbull’s surprise
emerged from the chamber before his very eyes
and while Mustard Seed clients ended up a fried flash in the pan
Matt Larson survived to become Enduroman.

And when the UFO Alien Hordes attacked the Earth
while Amelia Edwards pondered the circumstances that led to birth
the alien hordes destroyed everything in Earth’s Midnight Hour
The only thing that survived was the Calgary Tower.

Enduroman endured, Matt Larson survived
minus Dale Carnegie’s chapter on honey from the bee hive
But since the Public Library was now gone
his fine would not amount to an arm and a song

Enduroman was as mad as Hell
and while looking for a new planet to dwell
he encountered an archon from the Council of Nine
The Supreme Council of the Universe- so puffed up and fine
and what was the name of this pompous seemingly friendly archon?
Tremble ye mortals and shake at the name- for it is Zargon.

Zargon sent Enduroman off to complete many a task
and then teleported elsewhere to sit on his ass
he sent the Enduroman to search for the Five Pieces of the Pyramid of Power
although Matt occasionally took a coffee break in the Calgary Tower.

Supremacy, Dagon, Vulcanus and Gorkon the Enduroman fought
while Zargon sat and smoked the best of cosmic pot.

The Five Pieces of the Pyramid of Power were then gathered
and the prism that was Prison Planet for earthlings was eventually scattered
Amelia Edwards did survive
like honey from cosmic bee hive
Matt Larson took a lick and much more
he got to the bottom of this Eve’s apple core.

Amelia Edwards had been waiting for a millennium to up and come
and Matt was more than happy to beat the drum
He relubricated her plumbing inside and out
and being Enduroman he did not succumb to gout.

But word reached Zargon of Matt’s great new piece of tail
and the old archon felt like a tired beached whale
He’d send Matt to avenge the alien hordes’ destruction of the Blue Planet Earth
and give Amelia his own lessons in what sets in motion the circumstances of birth

Now Hogarthe was the mastermind behind the alien horde
Destroying planets was what he did when he got bored
Hogarthe- yes that’s Hogarth with an “e”
No cartoonist comic strip artist was he
rather an Apollyon Abaddon style destroyer he wanted to be

So Hogarthe went in search of Unix
Formula
while Matt served as Amelia’s horned cornucopia
how does this tale end you may well ask
as Matt and Amelia enjoy their great piece of ass
well write Marvel or DC to publish Stephen R.’s great comic book
and these questions that plague you will be let off the hook.

–A poem written by Christopher
Saturday September 3rd 2016
inspired by Stephen R.’s
great but unpublished
comic book
Enduroman.

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The Vampiress With Amnesia Now Available In Paperback

May 4, 2016 at 6:25 pm (books, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

The Vampiress With Amnesia Now Available In Paperback

My 1st vampire novel The Vampiress With Amnesia is now available in paperback.

So for those people who prefer to read their books in paperback rather than on Kindle, here’s the link to purchase it in paperback:

https://www.createspace.com/6248846

And for those who prefer to read it in Kindle form, here’s the link to the Kindle edition:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B01F18B5LS

Some of my friends outside North America have told me they are not able to access those links in countries in Europe and Asia.

If that’s the case go to Amazon Books on-line and type in the Amazon Books search engine

The Vampiress With Amnesia by Christopher Milner

It will take you right to that book. 🙂

-Christopher Milner
author of The Vampiress With Amnesia
Wednesday May 4th 2016.

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The Vampiress With Amnesia- My 1st Vampire Novel Now Published On Amazon

May 2, 2016 at 7:56 pm (books, Culture, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, Literature, News, Personal essays, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

The Vampiress With Amnesia- My 1st Vampire Novel Now Published On Amazon

Hello friends and fellow bloggers, I just thought I’d let you know that my 1st vampire novel The Vampiress With Amnesia has been published and is now available for sale on Amazon.

Here’s the link for buying it in Kindle digital e-book format:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B01F18B5LS

I have discovered from my friends outside North America that the above link doesn’t seem to work in countries in Europe and Asia.

However if you go to Amazon Books on-line and type in the Amazon Books search engine

The Vampiress With Amnesia by Christopher Milner

it will take you right to the book. 🙂

-Christopher Milner
author of The Vampiress With Amnesia
Monday May 2nd 2016

-The Vampiress With Amnesia

featuring the adventures of Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing, South Korean vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan, shapeshifting hamster/human Renfield R. Renfield, genetically cloned concert pianist Amadeus Emanon, the ancient Egyptian vampire Set, the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec and of course the vampiress with amnesia.

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The Vampiress With Amnesia- Coming Soon To An Amazon Near You

April 29, 2016 at 5:10 pm (books, News, Personal essays) (, , , , , )

The Vampiress With Amnesia – Coming Soon To An Amazon Near You

This it turns out will be my 1000th blog post on WordPress.

And so in effect this post is a milestone.

So I will talk about some of the milestones going on in my life at the moment.

In the next couple of weeks, I hope to have my 1st vampire novel uploaded and published to Amazon and ready for sale.

The name of my 1st vampire novel (which was written between April 2009 and July 2010) is The Vampiress With Amnesia.

The Vampiress With Amnesia is the first book in a vampire septology (series of 7 vampire novels) that I’m writing called The Vampire Hunter Samurai Chronicles.

I’m currently in the middle of writing the 5th book in the series – so at this point in time The Vampire Hunter Samurai Chronicles is a pentalogy but I’m hoping to make it a septology.

The other thing going on in my life at the moment is I’ve set up a Go Fund Me page.

As many of my close friends here at WordPress know, I’ve been diligently searching for a job for over 15 months now since January 2015 and so far none of the places where I have applied have hired me.

Most haven’t even given me callbacks.

So in lieu of the impending financial crisis going on in my life, I’ve set up a Go Fund Me page to help me pay for rent and food until such time as I’ve managed to land a job.

Here’s the link to my Go Fund Me page:

https://www.gofundme.com/2s99rkmc

In terms of other milestones in my life, I published my 1st book back in January of this year a Sherlock Holmes fan fiction entitled The Giant Rat of Sumatra.

The paperback edition of my book can be purchased here:

https://www.createspace.com/6025724

The Kindle digital e-book edition can be purchased here:

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B01B1W526W

I have also earlier this week set up an author page on Amazon.

I’ve been trying since January to find out where exactly on the Amazon web site authors can go to set up an author page for themselves.

Then last week I got my monthly email newsletter from Createspace (the division of Amazon that prints up paperback editions of books) for this month of April and they had a link to an article by a writer showing the links one uses to create an author page on Amazon.

So now I have an author page on Amazon:

http://www.amazon.com/Christopher-Milner/e/B01EUR8ILG

As I have mentioned, my first vampire novel The Vampiress With Amnesia should be published and available for sale on Amazon during the next couple of weeks.

In the meantime, my friend Daniel aka Hyperion Sturm is giving the readers on his blog a sneak peek of my vampire novel The Vampiress With Amnesia by publishing on his blog the first 5 to 6 chapters of The Vampiress With Amnesia over the next few weeks.

Here’s Chapter 1 of The Vampiress With Amnesia here:

https://hyperionsturm.wordpress.com/2016/04/23/dracul-van-helsing/

Here’s Chapter 2 of The Vampiress With Amnesia here:

https://hyperionsturm.wordpress.com/2016/04/29/the-vampiress-with-amnesia-chapter-2/

So 1000 blog posts here at WordPress.

I believe I started publishing here back around 2006 or 2007.

I did not publish much here in those days as Journalspace and later Xanga were my primary blogging sites.

Now with the passing of Journalspace and Xanga into cyberspace oblivion, WordPress has become my primary blogging site.

It’s also probably become the first blogging site where I’ve managed to reach the milestone of 1000 posts.

-Christopher Milner
aka Dracul Van Helsing
Friday April 29th 2016

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The Shy Stegosaurus of Cricket Creek: A Poem

March 31, 2016 at 7:45 pm (Book Reviews, books, Children's Story, Poetry) (, , , , , )

The Shy Stegosaurus of Cricket Creek: A Poem

When I was a boy, there was a book that I thought was rather neat
It was The Shy Stegosaurus of Cricket Creek
George was the introverted dinosaur’s name
A great prehistoric fella not seeking fame
He wrecked a small passenger airplane on the ground
mistaking it for pterodactyl- a hypothesis unsound
He met 2 kids and had exciting adventures
He never ran into a T-Rex’s Polygrip dentures
And finally one day he said good-bye
The two children started to cry
And deep into the canyon and off into the sunset he went
Prehistory had met modern in a time well spent.

-A poem written by Christopher
Thursday March 31st
2016.

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My 1st Novel Now Published and Available For Sale On Amazon

January 25, 2016 at 9:29 pm (Arts, Blogroll, Book Reviews, books, Culture, Entertainment, Fantasy, Folklore, History, International Intrigue, Life, Literature, Mystery, Mythology, Personal essays, Romance, Science-Fiction) (, , , , , , , , )

My 1st Novel Now Published and Available For Sale On Amazon

To all my friends, readers and fellow bloggers, I just thought I’d let you know that my 1st Novel was published today. 🙂

It’s now available at Amazon:

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B01B1W526W

For those of you who prefer to read the book in printed paperback form rather than digital, here’s where you can buy the paperback edition of my book:

https://www.createspace.com/6025724

I would ask for your support in buying this book and also let your friends, acquaintances and family know about it to purchase it as well. 🙂

Many thanks,
Christopher

Monday January 25th 2016
Robbie Burns Day

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