Pan Goatee- Nobel Peace Prize Nominee

November 1, 2018 at 10:22 pm (Aesthetics, Celebrities, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Intrigue, News, Politics, The Occult, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

The world’s most lovable genetically created satyr serial killer Pan Goatee (whose much loved serial killing specialty was ridding the world of repulsively ugly looking ugly women) had just found out that he had been nominated for this year’s Nobel Peace Prize by the American Association For The Restoration of Beauty and Aesthetics (who had a most Herculean task ahead of them).

“Why bless their beauty loving little hearts,” Pan Goatee remarked with all the charm of a gentleman caller on Scarlett O’Hara in the film Gone With The Wind.

Of course Pan didn’t win but like most Academy Award losing actors and actresses say (as their noses grow bigger like Pinocchio’s), “It’s an honour just to have been nominated.”

No sooner had Pan Goatee thought this charming little Tara drawing room thought when a super ugly repulsive and hyperpathetic looking ugly white girl sat down right across from him on the train.

“You stupid ugly looking thing,” Pan Goatee punched her full force in her pathetic ugly face with his fists, “What makes an ugly looking piece of shit such as yourself think it’s perfectly okay to sit across from a satyr with impeccable good taste like me.”

Pan Goatee continued to beat the ugly looking thing with his fists and then tore her apart with his goat legs’ hooves feet.

Krampus the 2nd arrived on the scene to finish the job.

He cut the ugly thing up into 666 trillion pieces with his laser machete.

The goat demon then threw the pieces into a gasoline soaked plastic garbage bag and used it to burn down the house of one of the Brooklyn witches.

A U.S. Supreme Court justice had recently hired Pan Goatee and Krampus The 2nd to burn down the dwelling places of Brooklyn witches and in the process also reduce the number of U.S. Democratic Party registered voters.

Goatee then killed a bunch more ugly women who were riding the bus home with him as well as the bus driver who tried to run Pan over as soon as the satyr got off the bus.

Krampus the 2nd then astral projected from Calgary (the uglo white female capital of the world) to Brooklyn New York where he burnt down a few more Brooklyn witches’ dwellings.

British MP Renfield R. Renfield in the British House of Commons enthusiastically described the blazing All Saints’ Day arsons of Baal and Baphomet followers as the “Salem witch trials without the horrendous expense of having taxpayer funded judicial court trials.”

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Thursday November 1st
2018.

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The Donald T-Rump Song

October 24, 2018 at 9:44 pm (Arts, Celebrities, Comedy, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, International Intrigue, Music, News, Poetry, Politics, Satire, Songs) (, , , , , , , , , )

Oh, let us drink a drink, a drink
to Donald T-Rump, T-Rump
the saviour of the human race
or so he thought in his head
for which a poor red spider monkey bled

Now Donald T-Rump thought he was Julius Caesar
because he was just that type of senile geezer
but he forgot his Roman history
it’s certainly no mystery
Julius was assassinated
dying very constipated
and Augustus took over
like a four leaf clover
while Jared Kushner returns home from Dover
to take the reigns of power
for it is the False Messianic hour.

-A song written
by Christopher
Friday October 19th
2018
to the tune of
The Irish Rovers song
Lily The Pink

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Cthulhu Threatens Vengeance On America For Sacred Riana Being Voted Off AGT: A Horror Poem

August 22, 2018 at 10:39 pm (Avatar Speaks, Celebrities, Entertainment, Folklore, Ghost Story, Horror, Humour, International Intrigue, Literature, love, Mystery/horror, Mythology, News, Poetry, Romance, Television, The Occult, The Supernatural, Theatre Arts, TV Shows) (, , , , , , , )

Cthulhu Threatens Vengeance On America For Sacred Riana Being Voted Off AGT: A Horror Poem

It was the city proud to be oh so happy and gay
not so the creature now dwelling in the Bay
San Francisco felt a shaking
and it wasn’t earthquaking
It was Cthulhu as mad as Hell
but not at Mel B. or Simon Cowell
Howie Mandel was likewise all right
but Heidi Klum got a fright in the night
A tentacle 🐙 grabbed her leg
and it wasn’t Trump taken down a peg

For Cthulhu was in love with the Sacred Riana
like King King showing Fay Wray his big banana
He was expecting his favourite magician to go all the way
not burnt to ashes like a voodoo doll on a hot summer day

For America had voted Riana out
as Heidi complained of leg pain worse than gout
And now America would pay a very high price
and it wouldn’t be tariffs on chicken fried rice 🍚

A creature from the Lovecraftian Mythos
was with the land of the free extremely cross
No need to worry about Putin, Iran or Kim
For America, Cthulhu now has it in
It will drown in blood
like a raging flood
Fake news or not
but tentacles 🦑 of death shall hit the spot
and of making the land great again, it shall all come to not.

-A comic horror poem
written by Christopher
Wednesday August 22nd
2018.

The Sacred Riana is Cthulhu’s queen
She ascended a fiery wall before commercial break scene
She was crawling up to be crowned the Queen of Hell
from the Beast like creature who at the bottom of the sea 🌊 does dwell

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Pope Rihanna and Diablos Nocturna At The 2018 Met Gala

May 12, 2018 at 11:59 pm (Avatar Speaks, Celebrities, Commentary, Culture, Fashion, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, International Intrigue, Mystery/horror, News, Religion, Romance, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Pope Rihanna and Diablos Nocturna At The 2018 Met Gala

Diablos Nocturna stood in the secret Time Tunnel at the CERN Large Hadron Collider in Geneva, Switzerland.

The date was Saturday May 12th 2018.

Standing alongside him in the tunnel was the powerful French witch Sabrine Davignon.

https://pin.it/66zjfkycjmk57p

The CERN scientist Dr. Hades Spawnus threw the switch.

Both Diablos Nocturna and the French witch Sabrine Davignon went back in time to the Met Gala 2018 in New York City held on Monday May 7th 2018.

And standing there was Pope Rihanna on the steps of the Metropolitan Museum of Art:

https://pin.it/oluijvyvk2jt63

Sabrine Davignon commanded the elements, “Freeze time except for…” and then she spoke names in Latin which confused the post Vatican II Jesuit priest Father James Martin.

All people at the gala were frozen in time and place except for Pope Rihanna, Diablos Nocturna and Sabrine Davignon herself.

Diablos Nocturna went and knelt in front of Pope Rihanna.

He kissed her papal ring.

She then turned around and bent over and lifted her glittering sparkling papal robe and short tight skirted mini dress and he kissed her ass.

Sabrine Davignon thought to herself, “How like new members of the White House staff and the Trump Administration when they go in to meet the Donald in the Oval Office for the first time.”

Pope Rihanna kissed Diablos Nocturna on the forehead and both cheeks (facial cheeks for clarification).

She then ran her fingers through his hair and asked, “Have you been a good boy, Diablos Nocturna?”.

“No, I’ve been a very bad boy, your Holiness,” Diablos Nocturna confessed.

“Then I must punish you,” Pope Rihanna removed from underneath her robe a large wooden paddle that had written on it in large print MY PAPAL BLESSINGS AND INDULGENCES (written in Latin of course which would have further confused Father James Martin had he not been frozen in time and place).

She then sat on the steps, commanded Diablos Nocturna to take off all his clothes and lie across her skirted lap.

When Diablos Nocturna had done so, Pope Rihanna then administered 666 very strong and powerful whacks on his bare buttocks with her Papal Blessings and Indulgences (in Latin) paddle.

When she had finished, Diablos Nocturna then arose off her lap bearing a huge erection.

“Now perform the act of ritual tantric sex,” Sabrine Davignon said.

As Diablos Nocturna and Pope Rihanna performed the act of ritual tantric sex on the steps of The Metropolitan, the vampiress Golgotha (the daughter of Lilith) flew on top of a Cross in the Heavenly Bodies: Fashion and The Catholic Imagination Exhibit at the Met and hung there with her arms outstretched.

Meanwhile in Rome Italy, the ancient Babylonian vampiress Lilith was dancing around the Vatican wearing a blood red evening dress and creating a huge whirlwind as she did so.

Sabrine Davignon (the immortal daughter of Hecate the Greek goddess of witchcraft in her beautiful young maiden form and King Saint Louis IX of France from a night in which the blessed saint fell into temptation) smiled as she watched the Lady of the Dance on her smart phone (the image was being recorded by the cigarette smoking demon Asmodeus on his smart phone in Rome).

Meanwhile at the Vatican itself, Pope Francis awakened in his bedroom confronted by the sight of Beelzebub the Lord of the Flies doing up his fly on his Prada men’s suit after emerging from the papal bathroom 🚽.

And finally Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster awoke in a sweat in his lobster tank at the Set Enterprises laboratory in London.

He quickly wiped the sweat off his lobster brow with one of his claws.

He wondered, had what he saw all been a dream or was it real?

It would be some time before Michelangelo pronounced his final judgement on the matter.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday May 12th
2018.

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After The Golden Globes

January 8, 2018 at 8:25 pm (Celebrities, Culture, Entertainment, Film, Movies, Television, Vampire novel) (, , , )

After The Golden Globes

“So the Golden Globe Awards was last night,” Renfield remarked as he drank his tea and read The Times of London.

“Yes it was and I noticed that Harvey Weinstein wasn’t on the red carpet last night,” said the somewhat naive Amadeus.

“No,” Renfield glared exasperatingly at Amadeus, “I suppose Mr. Weinstein didn’t want television audiences to see what an overcircumcision performed on the red carpet looks like.”

“Overcircumcision?” Amadeus glanced quizzically at Renfield, “How does one become overcircumcised?”.

“I hope never to find out,” Renfield replied with great honesty.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday January 8th
2018.

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Renfield and Jane Austen

July 18, 2017 at 3:01 pm (books, Celebrities, History, Literature, News, Vampire novel) (, , , )

British Transhumanist MP Renfield R. Renfield returned to his home- the colossal London mansion of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.

At the door, he was greeted by Set’s personal valet and butler Athelstan.

“You’re wearing more black than usual today, Athelstan,” Renfield noted, “Is there something wrong?”.

“Begging your pardon today, sir,” Athelstan answered, “but I’m in mourning.”

“Did your mother die after being killed in a bar room brawl arguing over who’s the best premier league football player in all England?” Renfield asked.

“No, sir,” Athelstan shook his head, “but I do worry about that happening, I must admit. Every time I see her, I keep telling her, Mother, you’re going to have to stop drinking and getting into violent arguments about British, European and FIFA World Football at the same time. Having to bail you out of jail all the time is starting to affect my savings to say nothing of my worrying about you being killed in one of these silly arguments.”

“If it’s not your mother,” Renfield inquired, “who is it that you’re in mourning for?”.

“It was 200 years ago today, sir, on July 18th 1817 that the great British novelist Jane Austen died,” Athelstan looked sad, “I’m in mourning for her.”

“Did you personally know her, Athelstan?” Renfield opened up a bottle of Brown Ale.

“No, sir, I’m not a vampire, I’m a mortal 50 years old,” Athelstan replied, “but I do love her work.”

“Didn’t Dracul Van Helsing once play Mr. Darcy in an amateur drama company’s live theatrical production of Pride and Prejudice in his home town in Alberta, Canada?” Renfield asked.

“I believe he did, sir,” Athelstan nodded.

“Well, carry on then, Athelstan,” Renfield looked at his watch, “and do let me know when it’s the 200th Anniversary of Charles Dickens’ death.”

“I will, sir,” Athelstan took Renfield’s hat and cane and now empty bottle of Brown Ale.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday June 18th
2017.

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A Humourous Rhyming Haiku For Albert Einstein’s Birthday

March 14, 2017 at 5:14 pm (Biographical, Celebrities, History, Humour, Life, News, Poetry, Science) (, , , )

E = mc2
Einstein equals wild wild hair
Relative comb spared

Albert Einstein

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Renfield and The Oscar Envelope Mix-up Fiasco

February 28, 2017 at 7:16 pm (Celebrities, Entertainment, Film, Movies, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield R. Renfield the genetically created shapeshifting hamster/human who was Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering for Set Enterprises was in the kitchen of the colossal mansion owned by his boss the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.

Sitting alongside him in the kitchen was his friend and fellow employee Amadeus Emanon the genetically created personal concert pianist to the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set (Amadeus had been cloned from the DNA from locks of hair of composer Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, British actor Alan Rickman and California mass murderer Charles Manson).

Amadeus was busy working on his 12th plate of bacon and scrambled eggs and his 11th plate of pancakes smothered in Canadian maple syrup.

Upstairs the vampire Set was complaining to his butler and valet Athelstan about the increasing amount being spent on food in the household budget.

Back downstairs in the kitchen, Renfield still hadn’t finished one plate of bacon and scrambled eggs.

He was still busy reading email messages between Russian President Vladimir Putin and U.S. President Donald Trump having hacked into both countries’ secure national encrypted security systems. (more of a challenge than hacking into former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s private email server that she used when serving in that position but what the heck- challenges made life interesting).

“I noticed,” Amadeus wiped some scrambled eggs and maple syrup off his chin, “that you haven’t been around the house the past few days. Where were you?”.

“I was in Los Angeles,” Renfield took his sunglasses off and put them on the table.

“What were you doing in Los Angeles?” Amadeus asked while crunching on a slice of bacon, “Visiting the porn studios you own there?”.

“No,” Renfield put aside his autographed photos of actresses Akira Lane and Nicole Oring, “I was at the Academy Awards.”

Amadeus sat with his mouth open, “How did you manage to get in there? Were you with that bus tour group that Jimmy Kimmel brought in?”.

“Well,” Renfield started putting some pet hamster food and some ketchup atop his scrambled eggs, “if you recall, I was created with the genetic ability to be able to shapeshift into a hamster. So I just shapeshifted into a hamster and wandered all over the auditorium. On stage, backstage, in the audience,accidentally wound up in Matt Damon’s underwear (horror of horrors!) where I discovered he has a Jimmy Kimmel Loves Matt Damon and Vice-Versa heartshaped tattoo on his ass. I also managed to get into Salma Hayek’s underwear which I thoroughly enjoyed.”

“You filthy disgusting pervert,” Amadeus was shocked.

“Funny those words you just used happen to match the 10,000 most favourite sentences that other people seem to post on my Facebook timeline,” Renfield was reflective.

“Did you do anything else during the Oscars?” Amadeus asked.

“Well, while the PriceWaterhouse Coopers accountant was busy playing with a certain part of his anatomy while photographing actress Emma Stone backstage with his smart phone, I ran up and switched two red envelopes on him,” Renfield grinned broadly.

“You didn’t?” Amadeus looked horrified.

“I did,” Renfield stuck his chest out proudly, “ever since Dr. Cadbury Rocher told me at last year’s Set Enterprises’ Christmas party that part of my genetic make-up contains the DNA of Loki the Norse trickster god in Norse mythology, I am now endeavouring to become the greatest practical joker of the 21st Century.”

Amadeus lost his appetite (a rare occasion for him).

He stood up and walked over to the kitchen window.

He thought to himself that living with a kook like Renfield was like living in La La Land.

He opened the drapes of the kitchen window, noticed it was now nighttime and moonlight was starting to shine through.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday February 28th
2017.

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Haiku About W. C. Fields

November 4, 2016 at 4:12 pm (Celebrities, Culture, Film, Poetry) (, , , , )

Haiku About W.C. Fields

He likes kids hard boiled
he prefers booze to water
he’s frankly W.C.

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Rowan Atkinson Meets Brad Pitt

October 17, 2016 at 2:37 pm (Celebrities, Culture, Entertainment, Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, International Espionage, International Intrigue, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Rowan Atkinson Meets Brad Pitt

Brad Pitt entered The George and Dragon Pub wearing the same suit he wore in the film Meet Joe Black.

At a table was seated Rowan Atkinson wearing the same suit he wore in episodes of Mr. Bean.

Rowan was drinking a glass of brown ale.

“You wish to see me, Rowan?” Pitt sounded irritated.

“Do you know where we are?” Rowan Atkinson tied his tie into the shape of a daffodil flower.

“Some fucking pub,” Pitt ordered a whisky sour from the barmaid.

“No, you’re wrong,” Atkinson seemed delighted in telling the American superstar, “the fucking pub is located down the back alley- The Caligula and Orgy.”

“All right, the George and Dragon then,” Pitt threw back the whisky sour down his throat.

“Exactly,” Atkinson smiled, “where a couple of days ago, an Israeli Mossad agent died after drinking a Scotch laced with Polonium-210.”

“He deserved to die doing that,” Pitt frowned, “what an awful thing to add to good whisky.”

“The Polonium-210 was put there by a vampiress who is a staunch ally of Russia in the Middle East,” Atkinson put some vodka in his tea.

“What does any of this have to do with me?” Pitt helped himself to the bottle of Russian vodka.

“You’re a Russian spy aren’t you?” Atkinson asked the middle-aged blonde Adonis.

Pitt spit the Russian vodka out of his mouth all over Atkinson’s face.

“Thanks,” Atkinson wiped his face, “I needed that. I forgot to use aftershave this morning.”

“What makes you think I’m a Russian spy?” Pitt queried.

“A little bird told me,” Atkinson answered.

“I find that very hard to believe,” Pitt answered with the skepticism of a KAOS agent addressing Maxwell Smart.

“Would you believe Teddy told me?” Atkinson brought out his Mr. Bean teddy bear from underneath his suit jacket.

“I still find that hard to believe,” Pitt started smoking a joint of Canadian marijuana that had been personally autographed by Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau.

Teddy whispered in Atkinson’s ear, pointed in Pitt’s direction and held up a small sign that said HE’S A RUSSIAN SPY with the arrow pointed directly in Pitt’s direction.

“I’m leaving,” Pitt stood up to leave.

He was suddenly blinded by a flash of light from a camera shot by Renfield R. Renfield who was sitting at the next table.

“I’ve caught you with your pants down, Pitt,” Renfield pulled the shocked superstar’s pants down and noticed that he was wearing jockey briefs that showed the white, blue and red tricolours of the Russian Federation.

Amadeus Emanon started playing the Russian National Anthem (which under Putin was set to the tune of the old Soviet national anthem) on his accordion and Pitt immediately had an erection.

“I see you’re standing at attention as well,” Renfield beamed, “proof positive you’re a Russian spy.”

Renfield did not take into account the sexy voluptuous barmaid in the tight fitting short skirt who was bending over to clean up a table.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday October 14th
2016.

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