A Humourous Rhyming Haiku For Albert Einstein’s Birthday

March 14, 2017 at 5:14 pm (Biographical, Celebrities, History, Humour, Life, News, Poetry, Science) (, , , )

E = mc2
Einstein equals wild wild hair
Relative comb spared

Albert Einstein

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Renfield and The Oscar Envelope Mix-up Fiasco

February 28, 2017 at 7:16 pm (Celebrities, Entertainment, Film, Movies, News, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield R. Renfield the genetically created shapeshifting hamster/human who was Chief of Security and Intelligence Gathering for Set Enterprises was in the kitchen of the colossal mansion owned by his boss the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.

Sitting alongside him in the kitchen was his friend and fellow employee Amadeus Emanon the genetically created personal concert pianist to the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set (Amadeus had been cloned from the DNA from locks of hair of composer Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, British actor Alan Rickman and California mass murderer Charles Manson).

Amadeus was busy working on his 12th plate of bacon and scrambled eggs and his 11th plate of pancakes smothered in Canadian maple syrup.

Upstairs the vampire Set was complaining to his butler and valet Athelstan about the increasing amount being spent on food in the household budget.

Back downstairs in the kitchen, Renfield still hadn’t finished one plate of bacon and scrambled eggs.

He was still busy reading email messages between Russian President Vladimir Putin and U.S. President Donald Trump having hacked into both countries’ secure national encrypted security systems. (more of a challenge than hacking into former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s private email server that she used when serving in that position but what the heck- challenges made life interesting).

“I noticed,” Amadeus wiped some scrambled eggs and maple syrup off his chin, “that you haven’t been around the house the past few days. Where were you?”.

“I was in Los Angeles,” Renfield took his sunglasses off and put them on the table.

“What were you doing in Los Angeles?” Amadeus asked while crunching on a slice of bacon, “Visiting the porn studios you own there?”.

“No,” Renfield put aside his autographed photos of actresses Akira Lane and Nicole Oring, “I was at the Academy Awards.”

Amadeus sat with his mouth open, “How did you manage to get in there? Were you with that bus tour group that Jimmy Kimmel brought in?”.

“Well,” Renfield started putting some pet hamster food and some ketchup atop his scrambled eggs, “if you recall, I was created with the genetic ability to be able to shapeshift into a hamster. So I just shapeshifted into a hamster and wandered all over the auditorium. On stage, backstage, in the audience,accidentally wound up in Matt Damon’s underwear (horror of horrors!) where I discovered he has a Jimmy Kimmel Loves Matt Damon and Vice-Versa heartshaped tattoo on his ass. I also managed to get into Salma Hayek’s underwear which I thoroughly enjoyed.”

“You filthy disgusting pervert,” Amadeus was shocked.

“Funny those words you just used happen to match the 10,000 most favourite sentences that other people seem to post on my Facebook timeline,” Renfield was reflective.

“Did you do anything else during the Oscars?” Amadeus asked.

“Well, while the PriceWaterhouse Coopers accountant was busy playing with a certain part of his anatomy while photographing actress Emma Stone backstage with his smart phone, I ran up and switched two red envelopes on him,” Renfield grinned broadly.

“You didn’t?” Amadeus looked horrified.

“I did,” Renfield stuck his chest out proudly, “ever since Dr. Cadbury Rocher told me at last year’s Set Enterprises’ Christmas party that part of my genetic make-up contains the DNA of Loki the Norse trickster god in Norse mythology, I am now endeavouring to become the greatest practical joker of the 21st Century.”

Amadeus lost his appetite (a rare occasion for him).

He stood up and walked over to the kitchen window.

He thought to himself that living with a kook like Renfield was like living in La La Land.

He opened the drapes of the kitchen window, noticed it was now nighttime and moonlight was starting to shine through.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Tuesday February 28th
2017.

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Haiku About W. C. Fields

November 4, 2016 at 4:12 pm (Celebrities, Culture, Film, Poetry) (, , , , )

Haiku About W.C. Fields

He likes kids hard boiled
he prefers booze to water
he’s frankly W.C.

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Rowan Atkinson Meets Brad Pitt

October 17, 2016 at 2:37 pm (Celebrities, Culture, Entertainment, Espionage, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, International Espionage, International Intrigue, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )

Rowan Atkinson Meets Brad Pitt

Brad Pitt entered The George and Dragon Pub wearing the same suit he wore in the film Meet Joe Black.

At a table was seated Rowan Atkinson wearing the same suit he wore in episodes of Mr. Bean.

Rowan was drinking a glass of brown ale.

“You wish to see me, Rowan?” Pitt sounded irritated.

“Do you know where we are?” Rowan Atkinson tied his tie into the shape of a daffodil flower.

“Some fucking pub,” Pitt ordered a whisky sour from the barmaid.

“No, you’re wrong,” Atkinson seemed delighted in telling the American superstar, “the fucking pub is located down the back alley- The Caligula and Orgy.”

“All right, the George and Dragon then,” Pitt threw back the whisky sour down his throat.

“Exactly,” Atkinson smiled, “where a couple of days ago, an Israeli Mossad agent died after drinking a Scotch laced with Polonium-210.”

“He deserved to die doing that,” Pitt frowned, “what an awful thing to add to good whisky.”

“The Polonium-210 was put there by a vampiress who is a staunch ally of Russia in the Middle East,” Atkinson put some vodka in his tea.

“What does any of this have to do with me?” Pitt helped himself to the bottle of Russian vodka.

“You’re a Russian spy aren’t you?” Atkinson asked the middle-aged blonde Adonis.

Pitt spit the Russian vodka out of his mouth all over Atkinson’s face.

“Thanks,” Atkinson wiped his face, “I needed that. I forgot to use aftershave this morning.”

“What makes you think I’m a Russian spy?” Pitt queried.

“A little bird told me,” Atkinson answered.

“I find that very hard to believe,” Pitt answered with the skepticism of a KAOS agent addressing Maxwell Smart.

“Would you believe Teddy told me?” Atkinson brought out his Mr. Bean teddy bear from underneath his suit jacket.

“I still find that hard to believe,” Pitt started smoking a joint of Canadian marijuana that had been personally autographed by Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau.

Teddy whispered in Atkinson’s ear, pointed in Pitt’s direction and held up a small sign that said HE’S A RUSSIAN SPY with the arrow pointed directly in Pitt’s direction.

“I’m leaving,” Pitt stood up to leave.

He was suddenly blinded by a flash of light from a camera shot by Renfield R. Renfield who was sitting at the next table.

“I’ve caught you with your pants down, Pitt,” Renfield pulled the shocked superstar’s pants down and noticed that he was wearing jockey briefs that showed the white, blue and red tricolours of the Russian Federation.

Amadeus Emanon started playing the Russian National Anthem (which under Putin was set to the tune of the old Soviet national anthem) on his accordion and Pitt immediately had an erection.

“I see you’re standing at attention as well,” Renfield beamed, “proof positive you’re a Russian spy.”

Renfield did not take into account the sexy voluptuous barmaid in the tight fitting short skirt who was bending over to clean up a table.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday October 14th
2016.

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Renfield and The Brangelina Break- Up

October 7, 2016 at 2:58 pm (Celebrities, Culture, Entertainment, Film, Geopolitics and International Relations, International Espionage, International Intrigue, Movies, Poetry) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Renfield and The Brangelina Break-Up

Renfield R. Renfield had been called to 10 Downing Street for an emergency meeting with British Prime Minister Theresa May.

“What do you wish to see me about, Mrs. May?” Renfield declined an offer from the Prime Minister to be seated (having recently been kidnapped by members of Sherrielock Holmes’ Dominatrix Services).

“Have you heard of the Robur The Conquerer files?” Mrs. May asked the genetically created shapeshifting hamster/human.

“I have,” Renfield nodded.

In fact, many nights earlier, Renfield had been in possession of the Robur The Conquerer files prior to his abduction.

Now the Robur the Conquerer files were being published in The Times of London in a series of articles written by George Belvedere Duhamel who wrote a column bearing the nom-de-plume The Ghost White Salamander.

“It has come to the attention of Her Majesty’s Government that the Robur files bring little known insight into the recent marital break up of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie,” Mrs. May looked quite solemn.

Renfield was astounded by the Prime Minister’s remark.

He thought to himself such was the world’s fixation with celebrity gossip and scandals in the early 21st Century that even would-be world conquerers (such as Robur) and sovereign national governments (such as that of Great Britain) were now preoccupied with celebrity break-ups.

“Really?” Renfield coughed.

“Yes, apparently one of them is a spy for the Russians and the other one isn’t,” Mrs. May explained, “this has resulted in a marital breakdown and a huge financial windfall for some lucky divorce lawyers.”

“Which one is the spy for the Russians and which one isn’t?” Renfield asked.

“The Robur files do not elaborate,” Mrs. May answered, “that’s what we want you to find out for us.”

“Okay,” Renfield agreed.

Later at home in the colossal London mansion of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set, Renfield began the search to discover which one of the power couple- the Brangelina- was the Russian spy.

He began his investigation by putting in a phone call to the editor of The National Enquirer newspaper.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday September 26th
2016.

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Haiku About Bela Lugosi As Count Dracula

October 3, 2016 at 3:35 pm (Celebrities, Culture, Entertainment, Film, Horror, Movies, Poetry) (, , , , , , )

Haiku About Bela Lugosi As Count Dracula

He bids you velcome
And look he doesn’t drink wine
he prefers your blood

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Limerick Sung By Captain Jack Sparrow: A Poem

April 28, 2016 at 8:16 pm (Arts, Celebrities, Entertainment, Humour, News, Poetry) (, , , , , , )

Limerick Sung By Captain Jack Sparrow: A Poem

I took my puppy dogs to Australia
where I encountered an Agriculture Minister without genitalia
He told me my dogs did not have the proper ID
so one of them raised a hind leg and took on said minister a pee
now I’m forced to make a video looking like an endorsing Trump Chris Christie.

-A limerick sung by Captain Jack Sparrow

from a poem written by Christopher
Thursday April 28th 2016.

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Caitlyn Jenner and Magog Rhys Petley

June 3, 2015 at 8:53 pm (Celebrities, Commentary, Culture, Entertainment, Geopolitics and International Relations, News, TV Shows, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

Caitlyn Jenner and Magog Rhys Petley

Welsh werewolf British Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley (fresh from his narrow election victory over the Welsh Vampiress Morgana of the British Transhumanist Techno-Progressive Anti-Bio Conservative Party in the constituency of Newbridge in Wales in the recent British general election) was in the City of Los Angeles to give a guest speech at a gala dinner calling for Los Angeles City Council to pass a measure to increase the minimum wage to $15 an hour.

The Los Angeles City Council had voted 13-1 today to hike the city’s minimum wage to $15 per hour by 2020 but since the vote was not unanimous, the matter would come back for a final vote next Wednesday.

The next vote only required a majority and need not be unanimous.

Supporters of the bill were hoping that by bringing in a British politician to speak in favour of the measure (albeit an unknown British politician in this country), this would seal the deal since as the best of PBS programming constantly reminded Americans, it’s so cool to be British.

Magog sat at a table as the gala guests arrived.

He read over his speech.

He wondered how starting with a quote from the Greek philosopher Empedocles would go over with an American audience.

Magog sipped from his glass of buttermilk.

Magog often drank buttermilk because there was an ingredient in buttermilk that served as an antidote to the particular variety of lycanthropy he suffered from and prevented his turning into a werewolf.

Often when buttermilk had been unavailable prior to his giving a speech, the result was often a social mishap of gargantuan proportions- a raving, snarling and howling failure.

“Buttermilk?” A beautiful woman in an elegant evening gown sat at the table across from him, “Don’t you drink anything stronger than that?

“Usually,” Magog replied, “but I have to give a speech later on.”

“I know what you mean,” the woman smiled, “my stepdaughter and stepson-in-law often get into trouble for saying outrageous things in public and they don’t even need alcohol to bring it on.”

“Really? Stepchildren?” Magog looked disappointed, “you mean to say you’re married?”.

“Oh yes, I’m married,” the woman smiled, “I’m married and I’m also 65.”

“65? Really?” Magog looked shocked.

The woman must use Oil of Olay, the Welsh werewolf British Labour MP thought to himself.

“I’ve been listening to your accent,” the woman played with one of her earrings, “Are you English?”,

“Welsh,” Magog snarled angrily.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” the woman looked apologetic, “I know what it’s like when people don’t take you for who you truly are.”

“Magog Rhys Petley,” the British Labour MP extended his hand.

“Caitlyn Jenner,” the woman extended her hand.

The two shook hands.

“Oh, excuse me a second,” Caitlyn stood up, “I see trouble brewing. My stepdaughter just broke someone’s iPad with her rear end as she was bending over to pick her purse up off the floor.”

“Really?” Magog looked astonished, “That’s unusual.”

“Of course I broke the entire Internet recently myself when I got the most number of Twitter followers in the least number of hours,” the woman smiled, adjusted her hair and ran off in the direction of the sudden commotion in the hall.

Magog looked in that direction.

He noticed a man- the man looked familiar for some reason (Magog put on his spectacles to take a closer look and thought the man was quite possibly a singer) – shouting at another man and saying, “My wife has the best rear end of all time. The best rear end of all time!” to which the man with the broken iPad replied, “You’re a jack ass!”.

Magog decided to go to the washroom to comb his hair and beard before he was called upon to give his speech.

Twitter eh?

He had been told by some of his parliamentary colleagues as well as members of his constituency and campaign staffs that he should really get a Twitter account himself and start tweeting.

Several politicians these days did have Twitter accounts.

Mikheil Saakashvili the new governor of Ukraine’s Odessa region (and former President of the Republic of Georgia) and Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov had recently been using their respective Twitter accounts to exchange personal insults with one another.

Magog was unsure about whether he should start a Twitter account.

After all, it was rather difficult to reduce his hero and idol Karl Marx’s economic theories of history to a mere 140 characters.

Magog entered the washroom.

As he looked at himself in the mirror while he combed his hair and beard, he recalled something that woman Caitlyn Jenner had said to him about being true to who you really are.

Who was he really? Magog thought about himself.

Man?

Or wolf?

Man, I guess, he thought to himself.

After all, literal wolves probably weren’t allowed to sit as MPs in the British House of Commons.

At least not yet anyways.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday June 3rd
2015.

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Dr. Hannibal Lecter Roast of Justin Bieber

April 1, 2015 at 6:59 pm (Celebrities, Commentary, Entertainment, Humour, Television, TV Shows, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

Dr. Hannibal Lecter Roast of Justin Bieber

Renfield R. Renfield had been in a bad mood the past couple of days.

The mood started when Renfield had tuned in to the Comedy Network on satellite television from North America a couple of days ago to watch his favourite program on that network Frasier.

Frasier was a TV comedy show from the 1990s about a Seattle radio talk show psychiatrist who dispensed psychiatric advice on the airwaves.

Renfield found the show quite hilarious.

But the show Frasier had been pre-empted by that talk show hosted by that unfunny asshole Jimmy Kimmel- the show called Jimmy Kimmel Live (even though a far more satisfactory show would be one bearing the title Jimmy Kimmel Dead).

Renfield deduced that the entire night’s programming had been thrown into disarray by the Comedy Network hosting what it called The Roast of Justin Bieber that the Network had been monotonously yacking about in its commercials for the past month.

In the ads, it featured clips showing a bunch of losers that the intellectually challenged early 21st Century considered comedians telling a bunch of unfunny filthy mouthed insults about the planet’s biggest spoiled brat male celebrity.

So Renfield had been as mad as Howard Beale when the news anchorman found out he was losing his job in the 1976 Paddy Chayefsky satirical film Network.

He finally drifted off to sleep where he dreamed of watching a program called Dr. Hannibal Lecter’s Celebrity Roast of Justin Bieber.

Dr. Hannibal Lecter’s Celebrity Roast of Justin Bieber was pre-empting the program Jimmy Kimmel Live after the show’s host had been found dead in his dressing room killed by a hamster who was carrying a .44 Magnum.

On the show, Justin Bieber was screaming loudly (although his fans just thought he was singing a new song) as Dr. Hannibal Lecter poured gravy over his head while the blonde and heavily tattooed spoiled brat roasted away in a nice cozy steaming hot cauldron.

Dr. Lecter (putting on a pair of surgical gloves): And now it’s time to put the stuffing up this turkey’s rear end…

(Justin Bieber started screaming even more loudly)

Renfield smiled in his sleep.

He was enjoying this show thoroughly.

-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Wednesday April 1st
2015.

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Haiku About Kim Kardashian

January 19, 2015 at 6:55 pm (Celebrities, Commentary, Entertainment, Poetry) (, , , )

Haiku About Kim Kardashian

Kim Kardashian
tried to break Net by making
an ass of herself

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