If Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson Lived In The 2020s

January 17, 2023 at 10:51 pm (Comedy, Comedy Skit, Commentary, Culture, Detective story, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, International Intrigue, Literature, News, Plays, Short play/ comedy) (, , )

  • Actress Mary ₱ickford in the early 1920s: I wonder what Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson would be doing if they lived 100 years from now?
  • Scene: An unvaccinated Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are living in London at 221B Baker Street in the 2020s.
  • Holmes is smoking a ₱i₱e and reading an angry letter written to him by Canada’s Neo-Stalinist tyrant Justin Castro “Sauron’s feces” Trudeau.
  • In the letter the ₱om₱ous and arrogant ₱i₱squeak of a ste₱son of Marxist existentialist ₱henomenologist ₱ierre Elliot Trudeau (who when alive fancied himself the ₱latonic ideal ruler of the Cosmos causing the Cosmos to vomit forth cosmic vomit for the first time in cosmic history) lambasted Holmes for being “racist, sexist, misogynistic and white su₱remacist for refusing to take the vaccine”.
  • Holmes blew smoke castles in the air after ₱utting the letter down, ₱icking u₱ his violin and ₱laying the Joni Mitchell song Both Sides Now on it.
  • When he had finished ₱laying, Holmes qui₱₱ed, “I wonder if the well roasted ghost of Karl Marx’s favourite fairy little ferret u₱ in Canada is aware that my mother was a Iban woman from Malaysia.”
  • “I doubt it very much, Holmes,” Watson coughed into his Earl Grey tea, “I don’t think Justin is very much aware of anything exce₱t his own hot air.”
  • “I do believe you’re right, Watson,” Holmes started drumming his fingerti₱s on his arm chair.
  • “Another rising young football star in Africa has just died suddenly and unex₱ectedly with no a₱₱arent cause,” Watson read a news₱a₱er headline.
  • Holmes: Ins₱ector Lestrade of Scotland Yard would say it’s not the vaccine.
  • “And a 20 year old U.S. Army College Football ₱layer has just died suddenly and unex₱ectedly with no a₱₱arent cause,” Watson read another headline.
  • Holmes: Lestrade would say it’s not the vaccine.
  • “Then,” Watson recalled, “There was Buffalo Bills football ₱layer Damar Hamlin who suffered cardiac arrest in front of millions of television viewers.”
  • Holmes: Lestrade would say it’s not the vaccine.
  • Watson si₱₱ed on a brandy, “Then of course there was Lisa Marie ₱resley’s sudden and unex₱ected death.”
  • Holmes: Lestrade would say it’s not the vaccine.”
  • Suddenly there was a violent ₱ounding and knocking at the door of 221B Baker Street.
  • A young ₱olice constable entered.
  • “Mr. Holmes, Dr. Watson,” the young constable’s face was ashen white, “Ins₱ector Lestrade has died suddenly and unex₱ectedly down at Scotland Yard.”
  • “I su₱₱ose his last words were it’s not the vaccine,” Holmes remarked.
  • “My God, Mr. Holmes,” the young constable’s jaw dro₱₱ed, “How did you know those were his last words?”.
  • -A comedy skit
  • written by Christo₱her
  • Tuesday January 17th
  • 2023.

    Permalink 6 Comments

  • Ghost of Johnny Cash ₱erforms Outside Buckingham ₱alace On The Day After New Year’s

    January 2, 2023 at 10:55 pm (Comedy, Geopolitics and International Relations, Ghost Story, History, International Intrigue, News, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , )

  • A bird on a wintery snow clad branch watches the ghost of Johnny Cash ₱erform
  • ₱addington Bear was si₱₱ing a cu₱ of tea and eating a marmalade sandwich that he had ₱ulled out of his hat.
  • King Charles III was likewise si₱₱ing tea and wondering why he still hadn’t found a ₱en that worked in order to sign his documents.
  • ₱addington Bear looked out the window.
  • Outside on the clothesline outside Buckingham ₱alace was the ghost of Johnny Cash walking along the clothesline and singing I Walk The Line.
  • Cash’s ghost then started singing a ₱ara₱hrased version of Ring of Fire:
  • Joe Biden, Justin Trudeau and Emmanuel Macron were thrown into a burning Lake of Fire
  • They went down, down, down
  • And the flames went higher
  • And it burns, burns, burns
  • The Lake of Fire
  • The Lake of Fire
  • Editors and re₱orters in the brainless mainstream media were thrown into a burning Lake of Fire
  • They went down, down, down
  • And the flames went higher
  • And it burns, burns, burns
  • The Lake of Fire
  • The Lake of Fire
  • ₱achamama’s False ₱ro₱het was thrown into a burning Lake of Fire
  • He went down, down, down
  • And the flames went higher
  • And it burns, burns, burns
  • The Lake of Fire
  • The Lake of Fire
  • The bird on the wintery snow clad branch whistled and sang in tune with the song
  • “I ho₱e I’m not thrown into a burning Lake of Fire,” King Charles III mused aloud.
  • “Then you better listen to what your mother said during the long course of her life,” ₱addington Bear suggested, “And not what the World Economic Forum said during the long course of its diabolical existence.”
  • -A vam₱ire novel cha₱ter
  • Written by Christo₱her
  • Monday January 2nd
  • 2023.

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  • Vampiress Mei-ling Manchu Makes An Amazing Discovery

    October 17, 2021 at 10:59 pm (Comedy, Culture, Gothic, Horror, Humour, Literature, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , )

    Vampiress Mei-ling Manchu, who drank red wine (unlike Bela Lugosi’s Dracula), was in the study of Transylvania’s Castle Dracula where she had made an amazing discovery:

    Mei-ling Manchu: This is very interesting…

    Mei-ling Manchu: Apparently writer Truman Capote did not write In Cold Blood…

    Mei-ling Manchu: He wrote in… ink.

    Mei-ling Manchu: However the same won’t be said about me.

    -A vampiress Mei-ling Manchu
    Halloween photo montage
    written by Christopher
    Sunday October 17th
    2021.

    Permalink 6 Comments

    Kraken Cravin’ Bacon

    April 18, 2021 at 10:38 pm (Comedy, Entertainment, Humour, Poetry) (, , , , , , )

    There once was a kraken
    Who had a cravin’ for bacon
    He crawled on to shore
    While temperatures did soar
    And ended up on the beach- a bakin’

    -A limerick written by Christopher
    Sunday April 18th 2021

    Permalink 16 Comments

    Sherrielock Holmes and Mr. Truffles

    March 20, 2021 at 10:06 pm (Comedy, Entertainment, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, International Intrigue, News, Poetry, Vampire novel) (, , , )

    Sherrielock Holmes and Mr. Truffles

    It was the very first day of spring
    Outside her Baker Street apartment
    The birds did sing

    In front of her bookshelf Sherrielock Holmes did perch
    An hour after applying to Boris Johnson’s behind
    A firm use of the birch

    She was sitting next to Mr. Truffles
    Who looked very dapper today
    And not a walking ad for Ruffles

    They would soon walk out into the London street
    She the epitome of grace upon her feet
    And the orange tabby looking very neat

    A sneak preview of an Easter parade
    Had not Euro governments given that feast
    A failing grade

    Easter was not in the best laid plans
    Of genetic splice and men
    Bill Gates wanted people in the lions’ den

    Nero at the Colosseum may have played the fiddle
    Nancy Pelosi’s bladder leaks pad underestimated her piddle
    But for Soros, Gates and Xi- they gave not a diddle

    So much of humanity had to go
    At the dawn of this Malthusian eugenics show
    The Great Reset must go with the flow

    But Sherrielock Holmes and Mr. Truffles
    Plan to beat zombie nosferatu overlords at their game
    Giving this unique duo in history everlasting fame.

    -A poem and vampire novel chapter
    written by Christopher
    Saturday March 20th
    2021.

    Permalink 10 Comments

    Doctors Frasier and Niles Crane Meet The Brides of Dracula

    March 13, 2021 at 10:53 pm (Arts, Celebrities, Comedy, Culture, Entertainment, Gothic romance, Humour, Television, TV Shows, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , )

    Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster had been binge watching episodes of the old TV series Frasier.

    He then binge watched a Dracula movie marathon.

    When that was over, he set his water proof alarm clock moving the time an hour ahead as tomorrow would be the start of Daylight Savings Time.

    He then lay back on his water proof pillow and fell asleep.

    He had a dream whereby Doctors Frasier and Niles Crane met the Brides of Dracula.

    Niles: This is all your fault, Frasier. I don’t really relish the idea of walking around a spooky Transylvanian castle. It doesn’t really cut the mustard in my opinion. Hot doggetty!

    Frasier: Niles, I wish you’d stop using those weird euphemisms uttered by that pot smoking hot dog salesman doing those late night infomercials advertising American cuisine recipes you can do in hot tubs. And why is it my fault? You were the one who insisted on giving two rather large glasses of sherry to my BMW’s GPS before we set out on this road trip.

    Niles: Yes, well if you had stopped to ask for directions from that transgendered transvestite in the baked potato costume in Boisie, Idaho, we might not be in this mess.

    Frasier: No, we might be in a bigger mess.

    Niles: What could possibly be a bigger mess than a spooky Transylvanian castle?

    Frasier: How about social distancing from a perfect 10 fashion model during a pandemic?

    Niles: Frasier, I refuse to believe you dated a perfect 10 fashion model.

    Frasier: So does everybody else.

    Niles (pointing to a door): Where do you suppose this leads?

    Frasier: Oh, I don’t know, Niles. Why don’t you open it and see how many other headwaiters with Hungarian accents lying in coffins we can come across? I haven’t donated so much blood since that multiple radio station personality blood donor challenge in Seattle way back in the day.

    Niles (opening door and looking in): It’s the Brides of Dracula.

    Frasier (looking in): My God, you’re right, Niles.

    Niles: Frasier, I haven’t had so many erotic images and fantasies going through my mind since I first read that scene with the brides of Dracula in Bram Stoker’s novel Dracula as a sophomore back in prep school.

    Frasier: That wouldn’t have been the night before the headmaster ordered that major steamcleaning of your mattress?

    Niles: Frasier, I wish you hadn’t brought that up.

    Frasier: Your mattress probably wished the same thing at the time as well.

    Brides of Dracula (calling out): Niles, Frasier!

    Niles (rushing in): I regret that I have but one life to give for my fantasy.

    Frasier: Niles, quit being such a ham!

    (Frasier rushes in)

    Frasier: Be a blood sausage like me.

    Voice of Count Dracula (singing in the background): I don’t know what to do with that tossed salad and scrambled eggs. They’re calling again.

    Voice of Announcer: Good night, Transylvania.

    The End.

    -A Frasier Meets Brides of Dracula Episode
    and vampire novel chapter
    written by Christopher
    Saturday March 13th
    2021.

    Permalink 34 Comments

    If Ed Wood Jr. Had Directed Casablanca

    February 15, 2021 at 11:53 pm (Comedy, Culture, Film, Movies, Romance, Vampire novel) (, )

    Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was having a dream about what would have happened if the famed 1950s corny sci-fi and horror film director Ed Wood Jr. had directed the 1942 film Casablanca instead of Michael Curtiz.

    Michelangelo entered the old time movie theatre carrying his large popcorn and large Coke just at the moment of the film’s climatic ending.

    Michelangelo took a seat in the front row so that no tall idiot could sit in front of him.

    This is what he saw:

    Rick: Ilsa, I thought you were getting on a plane.

    Ilsa: So did I, Rick. But all that seems to be here is this wheelbarrow.

    Rick: I knew I shouldn’t have sent you to one of those fly-by-night Casablanca travel agencies. They promise you the world and give you one of those washroom cubicles.

    Ilsa: Oh, Rick. What should I do?

    Rick: Where’s your husband Victor Laszlo?

    Ilsa: He came down with food poisoning after eating in your Cafe Americain, Rick.

    Rick: Damn. I told the chef to “Cook it again, Pam.”

    Ilsa: It looks like the only way to Lisbon is in this wheelbarrow, Rick.

    Rick (looking at his watch): You better get started then, Ilsa. It’s going to take a long time floating in the Mediterranean past the Straits of Gibraltor and then up part of the Atlantic coast to reach Portugal. I don’t know how far it is to Lisbon from the Portuguese coast. Geography was never my strong point. That’s why I wasn’t so successful running guns during the Spanish Civil War by going to South Africa instead of Spain.

    Ilsa: But do wheelbarrows float, Rick?

    Rick: I don’t know, Ilsa. Archimedes and his theory of water dispersal was never my strong point either. That’s why I have to have a lifeguard standing by every time I take a bath.

    Ilsa (throwing her arms around Rick): Oh Rick, I can’t leave you.

    Rick: Listen, Ilsa, if you don’t get into that wheelbarrow, you’ll regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But someday and soon.

    Ilsa (with tears in her eyes): But what about us, Rick?

    Rick: We’ll always have Paris.

    Ilsa: Where you stuck me with paying the check?

    Rick: Where I stuck you with paying the check.

    Ilsa: I hope I won’t regret this, Rick. (Gets into wheelbarrow)

    Rick: You won’t regret it, Ilsa.

    Ilsa: I’m starting to regret it already, Rick. This wheelbarrow is loaded with wet cement.

    Rick: What the- ?

    Ilsa: And the cement seems to be rising, Rick. It’s burying me alive.

    (Captain Louis Renault of the Vichy French Police Casablanca Division arrives on the scene)

    Captain Renault: Well it appears our Ilsa Lund has become a hardened criminal.

    Rick: Hardened yes. But I don’t think a criminal.

    (The rest of the Vichy Police Force Casablanca Department arrive)

    Captain Renault (blowing his whistle): Men, our would be escaped refugee Ilsa Lund has become a concrete case. Round up the usual suspects.

    (The police head off to round up the usual suspects)

    Captain Renault: You know, Rick, I’ve always been wanting a statue by the fountain in my back yard garden. I’ll pay you 10,000 francs if you wheel this wheelbarrow down to my garden and place Ilsa there next to the fountain.

    Rick (picking up the two handles of the wheelbarrow): You know, Louis. This could be the start of a beautiful friendship.

    (Rick pushing the wheelbarrow and Captain Louis Renault depart together into the foggy mist filled night).

    -A vampire novel chapter
    written by Christopher
    Monday February 15th
    2021

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    Sophia Watches Yaldabaoth’s Attempted Coup Against Mussolini

    September 20, 2020 at 10:51 pm (Comedy, Geopolitics and International Relations, History, Humour, International Intrigue, The Supernatural, Vampire novel) (, , , , , , , )


    Sophia the Greco-Egyptian Gnostic goddess of wisdom heading towards Il Duce’s residence in Rome where her son Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun was trying to stage a coup d’etat against Mussolini

    The year was 1940.

    The month was September.

    And Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun was in Winston Churchill’s underground bunker in London.

    Churchill tried to be an amiable host but he was becoming quite alarmed at the amount of his good brandy that the Irish leprechaun was drinking.

    “So Michael Collins told you to look me up whenver you were in London?” Churchill offered Yaldabaoth a cigar in hopes that would momentarily stop his fast moving consumption of brandy for a while as the wee leprechaun smoked it.

    Michael Collins had been the first Prime Minister of the Irish Free State and he had been assassinated by anti Anglo-Irish Treaty forces on August 22nd 1922.

    During the summer of 1921, Michael Collins had gone to London to negotiate a peace treaty ending the Anglo-Irish War.

    His British counterpart in the negotiations had been Winston Churchill.

    Collins said to Churchill, “I’ve got a complaint. Your British Army once put a price on my head. £1000 for my capture- dead or alive.”

    Churchill feigned mock outrage, “You’ve got a complaint? You’ve got a complaint? Let me show you something to complain about.”

    Churchill went and got the old Boer War Wanted poster offering anyone £25 for the capture of Winston Churchill Dead Or Alive.

    He showed it to Collins.

    Said Churchill, “Now there’s something to complain about. I was only worth £25 while you were worth a 1000.”

    Collins had to laugh.

    After that exchange, the two men became close friends and negotiated a peace treaty.

    The treaty was signed on December 6th 1921.

    When Yaldabaoth had finished his cigar after Churchill had recounted his meeting with Michael Collins, the leprechaun reached to pour himself another glass of brandy.

    Churchill looked glum and said, “I’m ticked.”

    Yaldbaoth quickly withdrew his hand from the bottle.

    “Why is that?” The leprechaun asked.

    “British Intelligence informs me that Mussolini intends to invade Greece in the very near future,” Churchill poured himself another brandy, “There seems to be no end to that bloodthirsty guttersnipe Hitler and his Italian jackal Mussolini spreading their filth all over the soil of Europe.”

    Yaldabaoth apologized for his leprechaunish intrusion and left.

    He summoned his pet pterodactyl (the leprechaun had no idea where this pterodactyl came from and didn’t bother to ask) and flew to Rome.

    He would overthrow Mussolini in a coup d’etat thnking that this would make Churchill happy.

    Yaldabaoth retreated to an Italian taverna where he ordered and drank 999 bottles of Italian red wine.

    Feeling sufficiently buoyant as a result of all that wine imbibing, Yaldabaoth then went to Il Duce’s palatial residence, crawled up to the top balcony and then gave a speech in which he asked the populace of Italy to rise up and overthrow Mussolini.

    Needless to say, the little leprechaun’s speech created a lot of commotion in the Italian capital.

    Word of the booze happy little leprechaun’s coup attempt reached the ears of his mother Sophia the Greco-Egyptian Gnostic goddess of wisdom who was currently living in Rome.


    Sophia marched herself down to Il Duce’s residence while being followed by a crowd of happy onlookers.

    Sophia wanted to get up to the upper balcony of Il Duce’s residence.

    A huge group of male volunteers grabbed a ladder and held it as she crawled up to the upper balcony.

    The male ladder holders gazed up totally spellbound as Sophia went up the ladder.

    Papal excommunications for publicly masturbating on the spot were widespread that day.

    Sophia wagged her finger admonishingly at Yaldabaoth, “Yaldabaoth, put an end to this nonsense. You just don’t have the resources to overthrow Il Duce Benito Mussolini.”

    “But,” Yaldabaoth protested, “I drank 999 bottles of red wine in the Contento Bacchus Taverna to say nothing of the multitudinous glasses of brandy I had at Churchill’s London bunker which caused the British Prime Minister to declare another wartime emergency upon my leaving. That should be more than enough resources to topple Mussolini.”

    “Yaldabaoth,” Sophia warned, “I know you’re almost 2000 years old but that doesn’t mean you’re still too old to spank.”

    Yaldaboth continued with his speech.

    Whereupon Sophia took Yaldabaoth over her knee and spanked him.

    As Sophia went down the ladder carrying the errant leprechaun and his glowing rosy red bottom, a group of male ladder holders at the bottom of the ladder started shouting, “Now spank me”, “Me too” and “Me as well, please”.

    At the Potsdam Conference in 1945, a constipated and dour looking Soviet dictator Josef Stalin demanded that the wee Irish leprechaun’s coup attempt against Mussolini be erased from the history books.

    And so it was.

    Until 80 years to the day later, it is now being told for the first time.

    -A vampire novel chapter
    written by Christopher
    Sunday September 20th
    2020.

    Permalink 12 Comments

    Wilkie The Cat Western

    September 11, 2020 at 10:54 pm (Comedy, Entertainment, Humour, Poetry, western) (, , , , , , , )

    Announcer: The ghost of Orson Welles is now here to give you the introduction to the Wilkie the Cat western.

    Welles (appears holding a spectral glass of red wine): Thank you Mr. Announcer. Wilkie the cat is a well known feline thespian and stage director best known for holding the record for the most number of plays
    that closed after a perfomance of only one night on Broadway.
    Now with the advent of the Chinese Communist Party Wuhan virus which the Ethiopian Communist head of the World Health Organization the non-medical Doctor Dr. Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus insists be called the Covid-19 virus, the lights are shut down all over Broadway and not just on Wilkie’s lights out plays.
    Thus Wilkie with the love of his life Mitzie (a femme fatale Parisienne cat from Paris) has decided to go into filmmaking. And Wilkie is now making a Western where social distancing will be practiced.
    The western now begins in the form of a poem:

    Wilkie the Cat was out on the desert trail riding his horse
    In a land where there was no Radio Shack or store called The Source
    He came to a sign
    posted on a cactus’ behind
    that said Town Straight Ahead
    He rode by a cowboy who looked to be dead
    for his skull and his bones were all bleached white
    and the fat vulture’s jeans seem to be fitting quite tight

    Into the town Wilkie the Cat rode
    And parked his horse alongside a fine looking toad
    He decided to enter the saloon for a cold one
    And entered looking like a son of a gun

    The cat Dangerous Dan McGraw was up at the bar
    Counting all his pennies from an old glass jar
    Meanwhile on the saloon stage was Mitzie the star
    singing about her home town of Paris a city quite far

    Wilkie the Cat ordered a large glass of milk
    And gazed at Mitzie’s legs in nylons of silk
    Hey, Dangerous Dan shouted with a threatening glare
    Stop looking at my girlfriend’s underwear

    Mitzie turned and looked at the handsome catwhiskers stranger
    And thought Wilkie must be one heck of a lost Texas ranger
    She gave him a wink
    which added to the stink
    in Dangerous Dan’s countenance most foul
    which seemed to be accentuated by the hooting of an owl

    Step up in the street for a showdown
    Dangerous Dan shouted with a huge downward frown
    Wilkie said, I’ll be back after dealing with this clown

    Into the street they went
    With their holsters quite bent
    And they stood face to face
    After having walked many a pace

    “Draw!” Cried the town crier
    As he blew himself with a hair dryer
    Pencil and sketch paper came out of opposing holsters
    And each hand moved quickly like fast acting roller coasters

    Dangerous Dan drew a stick man with a trash can
    While Mitzie was on saloon steps fanning herself with a fan
    Wilkie drew the Mona Lisa kicking Edvard Munch’s figure making him scream
    While Dangerous Dan’s stick man came apart at the seam

    My hero! Mitzie the Parisienne gave Wilkie the Cat a kiss
    As Dangerous Dan retreated to an outhouse in search of bliss

    Wlkie’s sketch was hung in the Wild West Saloon
    The subject of an unrecorded Kenny Rogers tune
    Wilkie The Cat and Mitzie rode off into the sunset
    While the overweight vulture looked for new clothes to let.

    -A Wilkie The Cat
    narrative poem
    written by Christopher
    Friday September 11th
    2020.

    Permalink 4 Comments

    If Orson Welles Had Lived His Life As A Black Cat…

    September 3, 2020 at 10:28 pm (Comedy, Entertainment, Film, Humour, Literature, Poetry) (, , , , , , )

    If Orson Welles had lived his life as a black cat:

    How Orson As A Black Cat Would Have Performed A Shakespearian Soliquy From MacBeth:

    Is this a can of tuna fish I see before me?
    Come let me clutch thee.
    I have thee not and yet I see thee still
    In form as palpable as this which now I draw…

    Orson as the Black Cat produces a sketch of Vincent Van Gogh minus an ear.

    How Orson As A Black Cat Would Have Done Citizen Kane:

    Now is the winter of our discontent
    For young master’s sled is gravely bent
    And do you think when it hit the kitty litter
    Which caused everyone’s nose to flitter
    And caused me to say, aye there’s the rub
    It would come up smelling like a rosebud?

    How Orson As A Black Cat Would Have Recited Poe’s The Raven:

    Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary,
    Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore-
    While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
    As of someone gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door,
    “Tis the pizza delivery those silly humans have ordered,”
    Quoth I, “only this and nothing more.”

    How Orson As A Black Cat Would Have Recited His Lines In
    Tennessee Williams’ Cat On A Hot Tin Roof:

    Orson as Black Cat (playing the cat ON the hot tin roof):

    Me-Owww! Me-Owww! Me-Owww!


    If Orson Welles had lived his life as a black cat

    -written by Christopher
    Thursday September 3rd
    2020

    Permalink 18 Comments

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