Morgana On An Early March Evening
The Welsh Vampiress Morgana in a forest on an early March evening
Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing was wandering through an English forest on an early March evening.
He had a crossbow in hand and a bunch of silver arrows in a pouch on his back.
There were reports of a demonically possessed elk in the forest.
The elk had apparently been given to Justin Welby the ArchHeretic of Sodom and Gomorrah (although his official title was Archbishop of Canterbury) by Joe Biden’s cabinet for his efforts in getting Baphomet approved Alphabet Soup Community sexual practices accepted by the Church of England and the global Anglican Community.
The elk was an animal now extinct in Britain.
So Biden’s cabinet thought that putting an a-sexual non-binary gender confused elk from the U.S. Democratic Party stronghold state of Colorado into the British Isles as a gift to ArchHeretic Welby would somehow magically replenish the elk population.
When ArchHeretic Welby was presented the gift by gender confused Rachel Somebody Or Other (an Assistant Secretary of Something or Other in Biden’s cabinet), the elk had a cassette tape recorder around his/her/its neck which when you pushed a button on it, a voice came on that said, “I’m Joe Biden and I approve this present 🎁.”
The elk had apparently become demonically possessed after using a Ouija board to swear its allegiance to the demon Baphomet.
It had escaped from Welby’s country ecclesial episcopal palace and was now terrorizing native British deer 🦌 in a nearby forest.
After consulting a rare volume on Demonic Possession of Animals written by the Rev. Father Montague Summers, the Rev. Father Aidan Bury Saint Edmunds (who was Amadeus Emanon’s parish priest and Vicar) had told Dracul Van Helsing that the only way to rid the world of a demonically possessed elk was to kill it with a silver arrow.
So Van Helsing was now going through the forest with his crossbow and silver arrows when he came upon this sight:
Van Helsing put down his crossbow and silver arrows and proceeded to climb the fallen tree and make out with the Welsh Vampiress Morgana (who was a member of the British Parliament from the constituency of Newbridge In Wales 🏴 and a British Arthurian Party parliamentary colleague of British MP Renfield R. Renfield who represented Tewkesbury In The Cotswolds).
As Van Helsing and Morgana made wild passionate love on the fallen tree, the demonically possessed elk walked by.
The elk used its antlers (thus indicating that the elk was a biologically born male who only became gender confused after attending U.S. Democratic Party sessions on the party’s future wildlife strategy) to attack a possible candidate for the future leadership of the Scottish Nationalist Party.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Friday March 3rd
2023.
Ghost of Johnny Cash ₱erforms Outside Buckingham ₱alace On The Day After New Year’s
Vampiress Mei-ling Manchu Makes An Amazing Discovery
Vampiress Mei-ling Manchu, who drank red wine (unlike Bela Lugosi’s Dracula), was in the study of Transylvania’s Castle Dracula where she had made an amazing discovery:
Mei-ling Manchu: This is very interesting…
Mei-ling Manchu: Apparently writer Truman Capote did not write In Cold Blood…
Mei-ling Manchu: He wrote in… ink.
Mei-ling Manchu: However the same won’t be said about me.
-A vampiress Mei-ling Manchu
Halloween photo montage
written by Christopher
Sunday October 17th
2021.
Kraken Cravin’ Bacon
There once was a kraken
Who had a cravin’ for bacon
He crawled on to shore
While temperatures did soar
And ended up on the beach- a bakin’
-A limerick written by Christopher
Sunday April 18th 2021
Sherrielock Holmes and Mr. Truffles
Sherrielock Holmes and Mr. Truffles
It was the very first day of spring
Outside her Baker Street apartment
The birds did sing
In front of her bookshelf Sherrielock Holmes did perch
An hour after applying to Boris Johnson’s behind
A firm use of the birch
She was sitting next to Mr. Truffles
Who looked very dapper today
And not a walking ad for Ruffles
They would soon walk out into the London street
She the epitome of grace upon her feet
And the orange tabby looking very neat
A sneak preview of an Easter parade
Had not Euro governments given that feast
A failing grade
Easter was not in the best laid plans
Of genetic splice and men
Bill Gates wanted people in the lions’ den
Nero at the Colosseum may have played the fiddle
Nancy Pelosi’s bladder leaks pad underestimated her piddle
But for Soros, Gates and Xi- they gave not a diddle
So much of humanity had to go
At the dawn of this Malthusian eugenics show
The Great Reset must go with the flow
But Sherrielock Holmes and Mr. Truffles
Plan to beat zombie nosferatu overlords at their game
Giving this unique duo in history everlasting fame.
-A poem and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday March 20th
2021.
Doctors Frasier and Niles Crane Meet The Brides of Dracula
Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster had been binge watching episodes of the old TV series Frasier.
He then binge watched a Dracula movie marathon.
When that was over, he set his water proof alarm clock moving the time an hour ahead as tomorrow would be the start of Daylight Savings Time.
He then lay back on his water proof pillow and fell asleep.
He had a dream whereby Doctors Frasier and Niles Crane met the Brides of Dracula.
Niles: This is all your fault, Frasier. I don’t really relish the idea of walking around a spooky Transylvanian castle. It doesn’t really cut the mustard in my opinion. Hot doggetty!
Frasier: Niles, I wish you’d stop using those weird euphemisms uttered by that pot smoking hot dog salesman doing those late night infomercials advertising American cuisine recipes you can do in hot tubs. And why is it my fault? You were the one who insisted on giving two rather large glasses of sherry to my BMW’s GPS before we set out on this road trip.
Niles: Yes, well if you had stopped to ask for directions from that transgendered transvestite in the baked potato costume in Boisie, Idaho, we might not be in this mess.
Frasier: No, we might be in a bigger mess.
Niles: What could possibly be a bigger mess than a spooky Transylvanian castle?
Frasier: How about social distancing from a perfect 10 fashion model during a pandemic?
Niles: Frasier, I refuse to believe you dated a perfect 10 fashion model.
Frasier: So does everybody else.
Niles (pointing to a door): Where do you suppose this leads?
Frasier: Oh, I don’t know, Niles. Why don’t you open it and see how many other headwaiters with Hungarian accents lying in coffins we can come across? I haven’t donated so much blood since that multiple radio station personality blood donor challenge in Seattle way back in the day.
Niles (opening door and looking in): It’s the Brides of Dracula.
Frasier (looking in): My God, you’re right, Niles.
Niles: Frasier, I haven’t had so many erotic images and fantasies going through my mind since I first read that scene with the brides of Dracula in Bram Stoker’s novel Dracula as a sophomore back in prep school.
Frasier: That wouldn’t have been the night before the headmaster ordered that major steamcleaning of your mattress?
Niles: Frasier, I wish you hadn’t brought that up.
Frasier: Your mattress probably wished the same thing at the time as well.
Brides of Dracula (calling out): Niles, Frasier!
Niles (rushing in): I regret that I have but one life to give for my fantasy.
Frasier: Niles, quit being such a ham!
(Frasier rushes in)
Frasier: Be a blood sausage like me.
Voice of Count Dracula (singing in the background): I don’t know what to do with that tossed salad and scrambled eggs. They’re calling again.
Voice of Announcer: Good night, Transylvania.
The End.
-A Frasier Meets Brides of Dracula Episode
and vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Saturday March 13th
2021.
If Ed Wood Jr. Had Directed Casablanca
Michelangelo the Psychic Lobster was having a dream about what would have happened if the famed 1950s corny sci-fi and horror film director Ed Wood Jr. had directed the 1942 film Casablanca instead of Michael Curtiz.
Michelangelo entered the old time movie theatre carrying his large popcorn and large Coke just at the moment of the film’s climatic ending.
Michelangelo took a seat in the front row so that no tall idiot could sit in front of him.
This is what he saw:
Rick: Ilsa, I thought you were getting on a plane.
Ilsa: So did I, Rick. But all that seems to be here is this wheelbarrow.
Rick: I knew I shouldn’t have sent you to one of those fly-by-night Casablanca travel agencies. They promise you the world and give you one of those washroom cubicles.
Ilsa: Oh, Rick. What should I do?
Rick: Where’s your husband Victor Laszlo?
Ilsa: He came down with food poisoning after eating in your Cafe Americain, Rick.
Rick: Damn. I told the chef to “Cook it again, Pam.”
Ilsa: It looks like the only way to Lisbon is in this wheelbarrow, Rick.
Rick (looking at his watch): You better get started then, Ilsa. It’s going to take a long time floating in the Mediterranean past the Straits of Gibraltor and then up part of the Atlantic coast to reach Portugal. I don’t know how far it is to Lisbon from the Portuguese coast. Geography was never my strong point. That’s why I wasn’t so successful running guns during the Spanish Civil War by going to South Africa instead of Spain.
Ilsa: But do wheelbarrows float, Rick?
Rick: I don’t know, Ilsa. Archimedes and his theory of water dispersal was never my strong point either. That’s why I have to have a lifeguard standing by every time I take a bath.
Ilsa (throwing her arms around Rick): Oh Rick, I can’t leave you.
Rick: Listen, Ilsa, if you don’t get into that wheelbarrow, you’ll regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But someday and soon.
Ilsa (with tears in her eyes): But what about us, Rick?
Rick: We’ll always have Paris.
Ilsa: Where you stuck me with paying the check?
Rick: Where I stuck you with paying the check.
Ilsa: I hope I won’t regret this, Rick. (Gets into wheelbarrow)
Rick: You won’t regret it, Ilsa.
Ilsa: I’m starting to regret it already, Rick. This wheelbarrow is loaded with wet cement.
Rick: What the- ?
Ilsa: And the cement seems to be rising, Rick. It’s burying me alive.
(Captain Louis Renault of the Vichy French Police Casablanca Division arrives on the scene)
Captain Renault: Well it appears our Ilsa Lund has become a hardened criminal.
Rick: Hardened yes. But I don’t think a criminal.
(The rest of the Vichy Police Force Casablanca Department arrive)
Captain Renault (blowing his whistle): Men, our would be escaped refugee Ilsa Lund has become a concrete case. Round up the usual suspects.
(The police head off to round up the usual suspects)
Captain Renault: You know, Rick, I’ve always been wanting a statue by the fountain in my back yard garden. I’ll pay you 10,000 francs if you wheel this wheelbarrow down to my garden and place Ilsa there next to the fountain.
Rick (picking up the two handles of the wheelbarrow): You know, Louis. This could be the start of a beautiful friendship.
(Rick pushing the wheelbarrow and Captain Louis Renault depart together into the foggy mist filled night).
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Monday February 15th
2021
Sophia Watches Yaldabaoth’s Attempted Coup Against Mussolini
Sophia the Greco-Egyptian Gnostic goddess of wisdom heading towards Il Duce’s residence in Rome where her son Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun was trying to stage a coup d’etat against Mussolini
The year was 1940.
The month was September.
And Yaldabaoth the Irish leprechaun was in Winston Churchill’s underground bunker in London.
Churchill tried to be an amiable host but he was becoming quite alarmed at the amount of his good brandy that the Irish leprechaun was drinking.
“So Michael Collins told you to look me up whenver you were in London?” Churchill offered Yaldabaoth a cigar in hopes that would momentarily stop his fast moving consumption of brandy for a while as the wee leprechaun smoked it.
Michael Collins had been the first Prime Minister of the Irish Free State and he had been assassinated by anti Anglo-Irish Treaty forces on August 22nd 1922.
During the summer of 1921, Michael Collins had gone to London to negotiate a peace treaty ending the Anglo-Irish War.
His British counterpart in the negotiations had been Winston Churchill.
Collins said to Churchill, “I’ve got a complaint. Your British Army once put a price on my head. £1000 for my capture- dead or alive.”
Churchill feigned mock outrage, “You’ve got a complaint? You’ve got a complaint? Let me show you something to complain about.”
Churchill went and got the old Boer War Wanted poster offering anyone £25 for the capture of Winston Churchill Dead Or Alive.
He showed it to Collins.
Said Churchill, “Now there’s something to complain about. I was only worth £25 while you were worth a 1000.”
Collins had to laugh.
After that exchange, the two men became close friends and negotiated a peace treaty.
The treaty was signed on December 6th 1921.
When Yaldabaoth had finished his cigar after Churchill had recounted his meeting with Michael Collins, the leprechaun reached to pour himself another glass of brandy.
Churchill looked glum and said, “I’m ticked.”
Yaldbaoth quickly withdrew his hand from the bottle.
“Why is that?” The leprechaun asked.
“British Intelligence informs me that Mussolini intends to invade Greece in the very near future,” Churchill poured himself another brandy, “There seems to be no end to that bloodthirsty guttersnipe Hitler and his Italian jackal Mussolini spreading their filth all over the soil of Europe.”
Yaldabaoth apologized for his leprechaunish intrusion and left.
He summoned his pet pterodactyl (the leprechaun had no idea where this pterodactyl came from and didn’t bother to ask) and flew to Rome.
He would overthrow Mussolini in a coup d’etat thnking that this would make Churchill happy.
Yaldabaoth retreated to an Italian taverna where he ordered and drank 999 bottles of Italian red wine.
Feeling sufficiently buoyant as a result of all that wine imbibing, Yaldabaoth then went to Il Duce’s palatial residence, crawled up to the top balcony and then gave a speech in which he asked the populace of Italy to rise up and overthrow Mussolini.
Needless to say, the little leprechaun’s speech created a lot of commotion in the Italian capital.
Word of the booze happy little leprechaun’s coup attempt reached the ears of his mother Sophia the Greco-Egyptian Gnostic goddess of wisdom who was currently living in Rome.
Sophia marched herself down to Il Duce’s residence while being followed by a crowd of happy onlookers.
Sophia wanted to get up to the upper balcony of Il Duce’s residence.
A huge group of male volunteers grabbed a ladder and held it as she crawled up to the upper balcony.
The male ladder holders gazed up totally spellbound as Sophia went up the ladder.
Papal excommunications for publicly masturbating on the spot were widespread that day.
Sophia wagged her finger admonishingly at Yaldabaoth, “Yaldabaoth, put an end to this nonsense. You just don’t have the resources to overthrow Il Duce Benito Mussolini.”
“But,” Yaldabaoth protested, “I drank 999 bottles of red wine in the Contento Bacchus Taverna to say nothing of the multitudinous glasses of brandy I had at Churchill’s London bunker which caused the British Prime Minister to declare another wartime emergency upon my leaving. That should be more than enough resources to topple Mussolini.”
“Yaldabaoth,” Sophia warned, “I know you’re almost 2000 years old but that doesn’t mean you’re still too old to spank.”
Yaldaboth continued with his speech.
Whereupon Sophia took Yaldabaoth over her knee and spanked him.
As Sophia went down the ladder carrying the errant leprechaun and his glowing rosy red bottom, a group of male ladder holders at the bottom of the ladder started shouting, “Now spank me”, “Me too” and “Me as well, please”.
At the Potsdam Conference in 1945, a constipated and dour looking Soviet dictator Josef Stalin demanded that the wee Irish leprechaun’s coup attempt against Mussolini be erased from the history books.
And so it was.
Until 80 years to the day later, it is now being told for the first time.
-A vampire novel chapter
written by Christopher
Sunday September 20th
2020.
Wilkie The Cat Western
Announcer: The ghost of Orson Welles is now here to give you the introduction to the Wilkie the Cat western.
Welles (appears holding a spectral glass of red wine): Thank you Mr. Announcer. Wilkie the cat is a well known feline thespian and stage director best known for holding the record for the most number of plays
that closed after a perfomance of only one night on Broadway.
Now with the advent of the Chinese Communist Party Wuhan virus which the Ethiopian Communist head of the World Health Organization the non-medical Doctor Dr. Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus insists be called the Covid-19 virus, the lights are shut down all over Broadway and not just on Wilkie’s lights out plays.
Thus Wilkie with the love of his life Mitzie (a femme fatale Parisienne cat from Paris) has decided to go into filmmaking. And Wilkie is now making a Western where social distancing will be practiced.
The western now begins in the form of a poem:
Wilkie the Cat was out on the desert trail riding his horse
In a land where there was no Radio Shack or store called The Source
He came to a sign
posted on a cactus’ behind
that said Town Straight Ahead
He rode by a cowboy who looked to be dead
for his skull and his bones were all bleached white
and the fat vulture’s jeans seem to be fitting quite tight
Into the town Wilkie the Cat rode
And parked his horse alongside a fine looking toad
He decided to enter the saloon for a cold one
And entered looking like a son of a gun
The cat Dangerous Dan McGraw was up at the bar
Counting all his pennies from an old glass jar
Meanwhile on the saloon stage was Mitzie the star
singing about her home town of Paris a city quite far
Wilkie the Cat ordered a large glass of milk
And gazed at Mitzie’s legs in nylons of silk
Hey, Dangerous Dan shouted with a threatening glare
Stop looking at my girlfriend’s underwear
Mitzie turned and looked at the handsome catwhiskers stranger
And thought Wilkie must be one heck of a lost Texas ranger
She gave him a wink
which added to the stink
in Dangerous Dan’s countenance most foul
which seemed to be accentuated by the hooting of an owl
Step up in the street for a showdown
Dangerous Dan shouted with a huge downward frown
Wilkie said, I’ll be back after dealing with this clown
Into the street they went
With their holsters quite bent
And they stood face to face
After having walked many a pace
“Draw!” Cried the town crier
As he blew himself with a hair dryer
Pencil and sketch paper came out of opposing holsters
And each hand moved quickly like fast acting roller coasters
Dangerous Dan drew a stick man with a trash can
While Mitzie was on saloon steps fanning herself with a fan
Wilkie drew the Mona Lisa kicking Edvard Munch’s figure making him scream
While Dangerous Dan’s stick man came apart at the seam
My hero! Mitzie the Parisienne gave Wilkie the Cat a kiss
As Dangerous Dan retreated to an outhouse in search of bliss
Wlkie’s sketch was hung in the Wild West Saloon
The subject of an unrecorded Kenny Rogers tune
Wilkie The Cat and Mitzie rode off into the sunset
While the overweight vulture looked for new clothes to let.
-A Wilkie The Cat
narrative poem
written by Christopher
Friday September 11th
2020.
Dracul Van Helsing 
If Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson Lived In The 2020s
January 17, 2023 at 10:51 pm (Comedy, Comedy Skit, Commentary, Culture, Detective story, Geopolitics and International Relations, Humour, International Intrigue, Literature, News, Plays, Short play/ comedy) (Dr. John Watson, Inspector Lestrade of Scotland Yard, Sherlock Holmes)
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